[CONTENTID1] CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT - VENTING [/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]

I feel…numb. That’s the best way to describe it, really. I do not feel angry nor sad nor anything of the sort — just numb. The minivan bounces as I presume we drive over a dead animal, a corpse or an Infected. I have my head hung low and my eyes closed, my forearms resting on my thighs. I’ve been deep-breathing since we got into this damned vehicle. I don’t know how long I can carry on before I go insane.

I never thought I’d say this — I never thought I’d be weak enough to say this — but I can’t handle it all. I can’t handle all the fear, the anger, the hatred, the guilt, the trepidation. It’s all building up and I’m starting to feel the weight, I’m starting to feel the heat burning not only my mind but also my body.

I only just realised an hour or so ago how much weight I’ve lost. Have the others noticed? I doubt it and I don't blame them: it’s a trivial matter. What’s worrying me is the lack of sleep I’ve been getting. It’s not that I’m not tired — I am. I just can’t…I can’t let myself lose consciousness because every time I do, I start seeing things. I see people that left me a long time ago and I see people that left me just a little while ago. I see places I haven’t visited since before The War. I don’t want to see any of that; they only add salt to a fresh wound. 

The only thing that keeps my mind off the bad memories is counting. It’s been exactly forty five hours, forty two minutes and twenty nine seconds since we left Mokpo. We tried making a detour, we tried mending our route so that we would be lead back to the others but every road we took turned out to be a dead end because Infected were now crawling all over the city. They must have heard the huge explosion which grabbed their attention and attracted them to the site. Tao used his installed satellite navigation system to find us the nearest town to hide out in. 

So far, every one of them has been overtaken by Infected. We’re now on our way to Daegu, having already checked out most of the towns and cities on our way. The journeys have been silent. Hyoyeon’s tried lightening the mood several times and with Tao’s help, she’s managed to come close. But there is too much tension in the air for anything as insignificant as a joke or a bicker to cut it.

I don’t want to push everyone away, I don’t want to shut everyone out but I don’t know what else I can do. Cry? I’ve already done that. Scream? I can’t afford to do that. Hate myself? I’m in the process of doing that. I could tell the others what and how I’m feeling but what good would that do? All that would result in is them worrying about me; we have enough to worry about without adding my petty, temporary instability. The only thing I can really do is figure out how to deal with everything and then get over it. I haven’t had a proper rest in over forty five hours, unbeknownst to the others. Except for Sehun, who’s also been staying up. We do not exchange words, we only acknowledge each other’s presence.

I know he’s feeling conflicted. I do not hate him for what he did, or rather for, Haru. I know that it was either putting her out of her current and future misery or letting her be devoured by those beasts. She deserved so much more but, unfortunately, this cruel world does not care about what one deserves or what one has earned. It just takes and takes without consideration for one’s sanity. I understand that Sehun had to do what he did because no one else would. No one else could. 

Ultimately, he took the fall.

And now, he has to deal with the regret, the guilt. He has to question his own actions, his own mind. "Was it the right choice?" "Was there anything else I could’ve done?" "Did she die for nothing, did her father die for nothing?" Those are the questions he’ll be asking himself over and over again. His cold, impassive front is crumbling. Oh Sehun is cracking but no one can see it. No one but me. 

And the only reason I can see it is because I, too, am breaking. Or maybe I’ve always been broken, it’s just that I’ve lost the glue that constantly put me back together. I don’t know when or where I lost it — all I know is that it’s gone and I do not know how to find it. I’m barely managing to hold onto my sanity by writing everything down in the journal Youngjae gifted me. I’ve managed to write up to the point when BamBam died but it’s too much for me to finish. 

We arrived at a gas station and diner thirty minutes past Goryeong and stopped the van. The vehicle was refuelled, we raided the tiny building for food and we made a small fire on the roof. Of course, I volunteered to take the first watch. The others reluctantly agreed and went to sleep while I sat on the edge of the roof, my feet dangling freely. I retrieved my journal from my sling bag.

I flick to the back of the journal and look at the photographs from the mall. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to go back to Seoul. Maybe I’ll find my family’s old apartment — not in ruins — and I’ll be able to recover some of my childhood photos. I really shouldn’t have so much hope, hope is only a setup for disappointment. The more of it you have, the harder you’ll crash when that hope is destroyed. I bite my lip and grasp the cross hanging from my necklace. I give it squeeze and close my eyes.

“I could really use some help right now, guys,” I whisper to the heavens, if they even exist. I do not know if I should pray — I mean, what would be the point? I doubt there is anyone there to hear my prayer. But if I don’t believe in Heaven, what does that mean for my lost family and friends? They can’t just have ceased to exist. I refuse to believe that. No, there must be a heaven because that, I’m sure, is where they all went to. There is no other way. If I don’t believe that at the very least…I’ll really have nothing. 

I screw my eyes shut tighter and squeeze the cross harder. I whisper a prayer under my breath: “If you are real, God, if you actually exist…please…please…” I don’t even know where I am going with this. Please what? Please bring my loved ones back? Please rid the world of this awful virus? Please stop The War or make it so that it never happened? There are too many pleas and the chance that they’ll be answered are slight to none. “If you can’t put things back to the way they were almost eleven years ago…then please, just take me away. Just let me fall asleep and never wake up. Just—”

“Hyerim?” 

My eyes shoot open and I look behind me. Tao smiles at me, his silver eyes almost glowing in the dark. He glances at the space next to me and I swallow, nodding for him to sit down. “You should take care of those.”

“What?”

“Your eyes,” I say. He settles in beside me, our thighs just touching. There is no warmth radiating from him but there’s also no coldness. He’s just…all metal and fancy tech. At least, on the outside. I do not know much about him but I know he’s not like the other AIs. That much is blatantly clear.

“Ah, yes,” he sighs, closing his eyes. When he opens them again, the glowing has weakened. They’re still brighter than they are during daytime but not enough to draw any attention from anyone — or anything — that could be near us. “Better?”

“Much,” I reply with a nod. We sit in silence and stare ahead of us. The city of Daegu is nearby, we can see the lights from here. There aren’t many — not compared to how many there were before The War. But still, it’s a nice view. The air is cold but I do not feel the need to hug myself warm. I just want to appreciate the view.

“Hyerim…” Tao utters, breaking the silence we’ve held for around twenty minutes. I turn my face to look at him. “Are you okay?” I gulp and nod. He doesn’t seem to buy it. “Say it out loud, then.”

“I’m okay,” I lie through my teeth. It sounds wrong even to my own ears so I decide to try something else. “I’m a bit shaken up after…after what happened back at the mall but I’m okay. At least, I will be.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to save the girl and her father,” he apologises but I quickly shake my head, raising my hand to hush him. “I can’t help but feel partly at fault—”

“Stop. There’s nothing worse than someone who feels guilty when they have no right to,” I state and his brows furrow. I sigh and lower my hand, tucking it between my legs. Ironic, huh? “I didn’t mean for that to sound so rude. Sorry.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t be. Your honesty is something many people, myself included, admire about you. Sehun, too.” I’m not that honest, Huang Zitao… I force a smile to my face and he tilts his head, eyeing me intently. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” I ask, genuinely confused.

“Pretend to be fine. Pretend that you’re not hurting…pretend to be happy,” he murmurs, his eyes piercing into my core. A lump forms in my throat and I can’t answer. “I’ve seen so many humans do the same thing. Isn’t it t