[CONTENTID1]CHAPTER SIXTEEN - DOWNTIME[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]A/N: this chapter is kind of a break from all the drama...KINDA. Just giving you guys some feel-good moments. Gotta have the characters bond, amiright? Amiright? Yeah ok, let's get to it then. Enjoy~!

I don't really know how I expected to feel after I got rid of Luhan. No, that's a lie. I do know how I expected to feel: I expected myself to be happy. I expected to be glad that he was gone and to perhaps be able to move on. Yes, I am happy that I've not only managed to get rid of him but I also made sure that he suffered till the end. But there's a hole inside of me that I don't think I can ever stitch up and no amount of revenge will do the trick. It doesn't help that Jongin is always rubbing it in my face, stating I'll only feel better if I let myself go. What the hell does that even mean? Let myself go? Sometimes I wonder if he truly thinks that one day I'll go back to being the innocent fourteen year old I once was. That won't ever happen, too much has happened and too much time has passed for things to ever go back to the way they were before.

I didn't just change when I was taken at fourteen. I first changed when I was nine years old and The War broke out. I had to stop being a kid and start being a helper to the people at the survivor camps we drifted back and forth from. At eleven, I had my first period while we were being chased out of a camp that was under attack. I had to stop being a helper and become a woman, cooking and cleaning for the other survivors. At twelve, I witnessed Jongin's parents being blown to pieces. I had to deal with the nightmares every time I closed my eyes. At thirteen, I watched as he and Taemin saved Jungkook and Min-Hee from a burning building but, as hard as they tried, couldn't save their parents too. I learned that sometimes, things just don't work out no matter how much you wish them to. But what truly broke me for the first time wasn't that I didn't get to say goodbye to my Appa, it wasn't because Eomma and Hyomi were killed in front of me, it wasn't because Jungkook and Min-Hee were snuffed out like they were nothing and it wasn't because Taemin died saving me. I broke for the very first time when I realised that I did nothing to try to stop any of this. I just stood back and waited to be rescued or for someone else to rescue them. They died because I was too weak to help them.

I will never go back to being the person I was. I will never again let anyone close to me die because I am too afraid of the consequences. That is what Jongin fails to understand. The reason I refuse to let myself love isn't only because Yìfán ruined that emotion for me, it's also because I'm afraid that if I ever get too close to someone and I fail to save them from a certain death, it'll hurt ten times more. There is only so much pain a person can take before they completely fall apart. On a scale of one to ten of insanity, I'm an eight. Losing someone I love will surely push me over the edge. But then I start to wonder if everything I do to prevent myself from loving anyone is ultimately futile. Just because I refuse to label it, it doesn't mean that it's not there. 

But admitting that I love my team means admitting that I love them all for different reasons and some of them more than others. It means admitting that every time I see Jackson, my heart undeniably flutters in my chest. It means admitting that BamBam's skinship warms my insides and Henry's constant concern for my wellbeing makes me melt. It means admitting that seeing Jongin's face every morning awakens something inside of me and watching Sehun listen to music makes me want to question him on everything about his life before and after The Beginning. I don't want to have to admit to any of those things, those feelings inside me are exactly what I'm afraid of. They need to be extinguished, not encouraged. But what if it's too late? What if I've let myself fall too deep for me to even begin digging myself out?

A knock sounds outside my room and I shake myself free of my wild thoughts. "Come in!" The door opens slowly and Hyoyeon pokes her head out from behind it. I sit up in my bed and lean back on my arms. "Hey, what's up?"

"The guys want to have a game night. Wanna join?" She asks and I chew on my lip, my previous thoughts coming back to haunt me. The smart answer would be no because I can't afford to lose control of my emotions any further. But that answer won't make me happy, no matter how much I try to convince myself that it will. With a gulp, I nod and get up from my bed. "Sweet!" 

"What games are we going to play?" I ask her as we walk through to the living room together.

"Not sure, they haven't decided yet," she shrugs. We reach the rest of our group who are all sat around the coffee table. I'm about sit in between Henry and BamBam when she grabs my arm and yanks me back, taking me to the opposite side. I give her a weird look but lower myself to the carpet anyway. 

"This is so exciting!" Jessica squeals, clapping happily. "We're all here having fun."

"We haven't even chosen a game yet," Daehyun reminds her and she shrugs.

"Who cares? It's still nice. I feel like we're one big family," she says, blushing. 

"Aww~~~" We all coo teasingly and she sticks her tongue out at us. Kyuhyun enters from the kitchen with a red box in his hands. He sits down between Jackson and Yoongi and places the box on the table.

Jongin cracks first. "Wh