[CONTENTID1] CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR - GUILT[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]

I sway-yaaaaa (swear) these chaps keep getting longer, idk. School starts on Monday and I want to kill myself just thinking about all the homework I haven't done ._. *snaps own neck* *leaves story unfinished*

I yawn and stretch my arms, my eyes flickering open. My hand hits something hard and I freeze, confusion setting in. I slowly turn my head and my eyes land on a figure in the bed with me. I gulp and muster up some courage then grab the duvet covering the person, slowing pulling it back. It’s a male with messy black hair covering his eyes, his full lips slightly parted. I poke the person’s back then move away, scared but not knowing why.

The person doesn’t react. I poke them again but nothing happens. Taking a deep breath, I grab their arm and pull them onto their back. A scream escapes my lips and I push myself back until I fall off the bed. I quickly roll over and scramble to my feet, then back into the wall behind me. My breathing is erratic and my heart is hammering in my chest. I watch in horror as the male sits up, his face expressionless, and turns his head towards me. 

“T-T-Taemin oppa,” I stutter, staring at him in both fear and awe. “What are you…how are you…what’s going on?”

“You let Jongin die.” My eyes widen in shock and I’m left speechless. I start shaking my head and he gets to his feet, walking around the bed. Fear stirs in my stomach as he slowly makes his way over to me, one step at a time. “I sacrificed myself for you and this is how you repay me? Letting my best friend die?”

“N-n-no, oppa. Y-you don’t understand—“

“YOU LET HIM DIE!” He screams and lunges forward, grabbing me painfully by the shoulders. I wince and turn my face away, shivering at his cold touch. “You let him die.” I dare to look at him and I’m met with his tear-and-bloodstained face. I feel my own tears welling in my eyes. “I thought you loved him, Hyerim.”

“I did,” I croak, the salty liquid streaming down my cheeks. “I really did, you have to believe me. You have to believe me, oppa!”

“How can I? You didn’t even try to save him. All you care about is yourself,” he sneers, digging his sharp nails into my soft flesh. I start shaking my head but he tightens his grip on me, making me flinch. “Don’t ing lie, you useless .”

“I’m sorry!” I sob, tears falling like a cascade of sorrows. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry! I failed you, Taemin oppa…” I suddenly feel a sharp pain across my face and cup my sore cheek, my eyes slowly going to Taemin. I stare at him in shock but do not say anything. I can’t speak.

“Don’t act like you’re ing sorry,” he snarls, releasing my shoulders and instead grabbing me by the neck. I gasp and start clawing at his hands for him to release me. Instead, he tightens his grip on me until I feel my eyes bulge out. “You murdered him. You make me sick. Don’t ever stop blaming yourself for his death…or anyone else’s. This is all your fault.”

This is all your fault.

This is all your fault.

This is all your—

“Hyerim, wake up!” Someone shouts, jolting me from my sleep. It’s then that I realise that I’m screaming so I clamp my mouth shut and blink rapidly. Tears roll down my cheek continuously and I wipe them away messily, my heart beating fast. Hyoyeon grabs my face and moves close. “Jesus, are you okay!?”

“It sounded like someone was killing you!” Kyuhyun exclaims and I glance around the tent, realising all of my team and the Alpha Team are standing in it. They’re all staring at me with worried expressions. “What the hell were you dreaming of?”

“H-H-Hyerim, a-a-are y-you o-o-okay?” Karim asks, stepping forward. Jimin puts his arm out and holds him back, much to Karim’s displeasure. 

“What happened? Are you okay!?” Jackson demands, squeezing my hand. I’m panting hard and I can’t filter my thoughts, much less respond to any of them. 

“You scared the hell out of us!” Youngmin tells me. Sehun and Julien walk over but Julien beats Sehun to whatever he was going to say.

“Everyone just shut up and take a step back. You’re panicking her,” he says and they scowl but reluctantly obey. Hyoyeon and Jackson step away from the bed, leaving me to hyperventilate on my own. Julien crouches down beside me and cups my cheek. “Relax.” The one word somehow freezes me in my place and my body is forced to calm itself down. My breathing evens out and my heart rate slows down a little. “There you go. Just breathe.”

“You’re okay,” Sehun murmurs and I glance at him through tear-filled eyes. I blink a few times and Julien gently wipes the tears away. I can’t look anywhere but at Sehun. His intense eyes keep me captivated. “I’m here.”

“We’re all here for you, Hyerim,” Youngjae says with a supportive smile. I tear my eyes away from Sehun and close them, shame filling me. I hate myself. I hate being like this: weak. I thought I left that Hyerim behind in that camp when I was 14 but she’s back. I don’t want to be the pathetic girl that everyone has to look after and comfort. No one wants a weak person in their group…that person is just a burden. The last thing I want to be is a burden.

“I’m fine,” I finally utter, pushing Julien’s hand away. I wipe my tears away with the back of my hand and dry them on my lap. I put on a plastic smile and even force out a laugh I think sounds at least a little genuine. “It was just a nightmare, no big deal.”

Daehyun looks at me sceptically. “Hyerim…”

“I’m fine, I swear,” I lie, taking a deep breath. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and jump to my feet cheerfully. “I’m starving. Let’s eat, yeah?”

“Hyerim—“

“I wonder if there’s any of that meat left over,” I muse, cutting Jackson off. I put on a brave face and walk out of the tent, leaving them all dumbfounded. It’s cold outside and I do not have my jacket on but I don’t care. The cold air wakes me up, making the nightmare seem further away by the second. I shudder in remembrance of it.

This is all your fault.

I swallow a sob and saunter over to the group of AIs. Tao is standing talking to Hakyeon, the female AI that I found out before going to bed last night is called Taeyeon, and the other AIs: Neon, Jade and Dre. They stop their conversation, Tao greeting me.

“You look…frightened. Are you alright?” he asks, his brows furrowed. I nod and fake another smile. “Bad dream?” I nod again. “I get them too. They .”

“Yeah, they do,” I agree, my interest in the AI spiking. There’s so much to him still left to uncover. Every time we speak, it seems another layer is added to him. “So, why is everyone up so early?” I look at the dark sky. “The sun hasn't even risen yet.”

“We need to go hunt for more food for the humans,” Hakyeon replies. “We assigned one of them to keep a tab on how much there is left but obviously, that was a mistake. We have less than we thought we did.”

“We should’ve monitored the supplies ourselves,” Taeyeon sneers, then points at Tao. “Your fault. You said giving them responsibilities would motivate them and heighten our chances of survival.”

“And I was right. Look how hard they’ve been working. They’ve even started farming in the field next to us,” Tao responds, confidence exuding from him. “I wasn’t wrong to give them responsibilities but the person chosen to keep count of the food was a mistake. That much, I’ll admit.” Taeyeon scoffs and shakes her head.

“I don’t know why we keep listening to him if he s up so much,” Neon says, the first word I’ve heard him speak. “We should put Hakyeon in charge.” Jade and Dre nod in agreement. “He’d probably do a better job.”

Tao takes a deep breath and releases it. His eyes start glowing and he pins Neon down with a dominating stare. “If you’re so sick of all my ups then walk away. No one’s keeping you here. Take Hakyeon, Taeyeon, Jade and Dre and walk the away. What are you waiting for?” Neon blinks, shocked into silence. “Well?”

“Enough of this. We’re not separating. Despite Tao’s flaws, he’s done well in keeping us alive. We can’t turn against each other,” Hakyeon lectures and the three AIs look away guiltily. I feel like an outcast, standing here with them while they’re arguing. It shocks me how human they look and even act. If I didn’t know better, I’d think they really were human.

“Whatever. Hyerim.” I freeze and look at Tao. “Will you come with us?”

“What? She’s human, she’d just be a burden to us!” Taeyeon argues. Burden. I don’t want to be a burden. 

This is all your fault.

“She’s right, I should probably stay here,” I mumble, rubbing the back of my neck. Tao shakes his head and puts a hand on my shoulder. 

“From the way your people speak of you, you’re the one most likely to get us in and out of somewhere in one piece,” he states. Before I can object, he presses his right index finger on my lips. “Please. We need you.”

“This is bull,” Taeyeon grunts, storming off. Jade, Dre and Neon follow after her, leaving me with Tao and Hakyeon. Hakyeon sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. He walks up to me, pushing Tao aside, and stops barely an inch from me. He towers over me and I have to crane my neck to meet his gaze.

“ up and I’ll kill you myself. Hongbin’s special girl or not,” he threatens, then walks away. I release a deep breath I didn’t realise I was holding in. Tao pats my shoulder.

“Don’t worry, I won’t let him kill you,” he assures me with a smile. I nod and he leads me back to my friends, who have crowded around the main table. “Attention, everyone, please!” They all fall silent. The civilians crawl out of their tents and gather around as well. I cast a gaze over each and everyone one of them. I haven’t spoken to a single one yet but that’s probably for the best. 

“Thanks to someone —“ Hakyeon looks at one of them accusingly. “— we have a lot less food than we thought we did. A group of us are going into the city to scavenge for supplies. As always, we hope to be back by nightfall but if we are not, do not panic. Dre will stay here and distribute rations.”

“What!? Why do I have to stay!?” Dre groans but immediately shuts up when Hakyeon glares at him. “Fine.”

“Who’s going with you?” Mino asks, propping his feet up on the table as he leans back in his chair. 

“Tao, Neon, Jade…and Hyerim,” Hakyeon replies and Mino falls off his chair. He scrambles to his feet and gawks at me. 

“WHAT!?” Kyuhyun exclaims. “No way!”

“You just woke up yesterday, you’re not going anywhere!” Julien declares. 

“Hell no, over my dead body,” Jackson scoffs.

‘Not without me you’re not,” Hyoyeon smirks, winking at me. I then get her meaning but I can’t smile back, not genuinely. I’m not in the best of moods this morning. She frowns when I don’t return her smile. Realising I need to keep up my façade, I flash her a grin.

“Or me,” Sehun adds and I raise a brow at him. “I told you I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

“No, you said I’m not dying on your watch,” I correct him and he shrugs.

“Same difference.” I smile at him, for real this time and he winks at me. 

Jackson clicks his fingers, getting everyone’s attention. “Can we all get back on track? Hyerim isn't leaving the camp in her condition.” I’m about to say something when Hyoyeon cuts me off, speaking on my behalf.

“She’s not some fragile doll, Jackson. She’s strong, probably stronger than most if not all people in this camp! She doesn’t need a black knight saving her.” Daehyun opens his mouth. “You shut the up, no one asked for your input.”

“Hyoyeon, relax—“ Youngjae starts but she cuts him off, too.

“Don’t you tell me to relax because I will not relax. I’m so sick of you men thinking that just because we’re girls, we need you looking after us. We don’t. We can take care of ourselves, we’re not totally useless,” she rants and they all stare at her wordlessly. “So stop treating us as if we are!” 

Jackson is the first one to snap out of his daze. He looks at me. “Is this how you feel as well?” 

“It is,” I reply after some time. He gulps and exchanges looks with the others before looking back at me and Hyoyeon. “We’re really sorry if we’ve ever made you feel like…you’re lower than us. We don’t think that at all.”

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