This is Erra's fault, so it's hers. 

VI

The babysitter

That day was quite chill, the sky clean and bluer than Taehyun had seen that year. He sighed, grinding his teeth as he struggled to light up a cigarette. Mino tried to steal one from his pack, but Taehyun hid it swiftly, putting it inside his jacket.

“I’m telling you I don’t have money and you try to take my last cigarettes?”, he hissed, glancing at him with hate.

Mino smiled, his white teeth shining in the light of that November morning. “It’s for your health, you know, it’s better like this, I’m a caring friend”.

“Yeah right”, he muttered, smoking intently as his worry faded out a bit. “Anyway, I really need a job”.

“You could come to our pub, work as a waiter or something”, Mino suggested.

Taehyun weighed the possibility. “It’s late at night, though”.

“Then?”

“I need my beauty sleep”, he said as it was the most normal statement in the world.

“Seriously, Nam Taehyun, beggars can’t be choosers”, Mino chuckled.

Taehyun looked at him, exhaling a ring of smoke. The sky was really pretty that day, he thought as he tried to find a solution to his problem. There was no cloud to hide the blue – he hoped there wasn’t any to cloud his judgment too.

“Sometimes I wish you would talk more”, Mino sighed, finding comfort in a brioche he had bought few minutes ago, as he waited for Taehyun to come to a conclusion.

“I was thinking…”, Taehyun paused, ending the cigarette and throwing the away, “I’ll check some job announcements first. I’m sure there is something right for me”.

It wasn’t as easy as he thought. After few days of checking on internet and newspapers, he was almost ready to give up. Some jobs were too challenging, at absurd hours or places too far away – he didn’t have a car, as he couldn’t afford one, and still needed time to go to classes and study a bit for his college, as he needed money to pay the tuition and it wouldn’t make sense to work without having time for his studies –, some requested abilities or a knowledge he didn’t have; some people were too picky while others sounded just like they would hire anyone – and that was unsettling, to be honest –, and generally speaking nothing appealed to him that much.

“You’re the picky one”, Mino blurted out as they were at cafeteria of their college, sitting at a table. Taehyun was ignoring his food, deeply into reading job announcements, while Mino chewed his hamburger mechanically and looked at him, almost concerned but mostly pissed off.

“Hear this”, Taehyun snapped out, “Under the ‘babysitting section’. Looking for a person that likes children, neat and precise”.

“I’m not sure you can handle children”, Mino muttered.

“Of course I can”, Taehyun said, confident.“Besides, this is not the important stuff. Working hours in the afternoon. Good payment. Nearby the college. For info contact Kang Seungyoon”.

“There is not much written”.

“It’s nearby the college, though, so I won’t have problems to get there, and it’s only in the afternoon. I must call him”, Taehyun looked at him and Mino could see how he couldn’t really persuade him, this time.

“So, you’re Nam Taehyun”.

Taehyun didn’t picture Kang Seungyoon like this. For him, he was forty and a small chubby clerk with a hint of baldness – well, this before he called him to make an appointment, because the sound of his voice partially changed the image in his mind – Kang Seungyoon was thirty-five, probably a manager and manlier than before. Still, nothing was like the Kang Seungyoon right in front of him, now.

“Yes sir”. Taehyun nodded in reply, studying him. He followed him inside the house, into the living room.

Kang Seungyoon had a very sharp figure, tall and slim and without curves – from the legs, to his back, and his jaw, nothing was soft. But then, his face lighted up as he smiled to Taehyun, inviting him to sit on the couch, and Taehyun noticed the lovely shape of his mouth, plump red lips smiling at him, and the crescent-shaped eyes sparkling, as he was truly happy to see him.

Which wasn’t possible, Taehyun snorted, saying instead: “I read your announcement and I think I’m the right person for this job”.

He chuckled. “Are you?”

Taehyun nodded promptly.

“So... how old are you?”

“I’m 22”, Taehyun looked at him. Kang Seungyoon was around 25, he guessed, so much younger than he thought before, and way more handsome than he had imagined him. He wasn’t exactly beautiful, but he had something that made Taehyun keep looking at him.

“That’s all?”, Seungyoon asked.

Taehyun realized that he had basically stared at him for an entire minute, without really talking. Damn, he needed to get it right this time. “I’m a college student, so this job would be good for me, I wouldn’t have trouble at all to come from college in 5 minutes, I would never be late... mostly, I’m good with children, I’m always attentive and caring and imaginative, so I always have new ideas to make them have fun”, he really didn’t know what to say more.

Seungyoon smiled again and Taehyun wished he didn’t. It was distracting and discomforting, as that was probably the first time someone had this effect on him. This fast, at least.

Kang Seungyoon was literally shining, with a big smile on his lips, sitting there on one of his two couches in that big living room Taehyun didn’t even look at, too concentrated on his potential employer.

“I see”, he said. “Look, Taehyun – can I call you like that? You’re younger than me – did you have other experiences as a babysitter? Or this is the first time? I wouldn’t want to leave our Hyesungie to someone who doesn’t really know how to handle children”.

“I’m more than sure I can do it, even if it’s my first time”.

Seungyoon sighed. “Well, you have to know I’m quite picky. Here it’s a list of thing you should do if you were her babysitter”, he handed him three full papers and Taehyun almost regretted to be there.

Some things made sense, like “Wash Hyesung before she goes to bed” or “Make Hyesung eat healthy food, her snack should be fruit” and even “Hyesung likes to draw, never forgets to give her the colors kept on the top drawer in the dresser, remember to put some paper under her sketchbook to prevent possible stains”, but the amount of comments Seungyoon left made Taehyun shudder. He let out a sigh, reading.

“What, is it too much?”, Seungyoon asked eagerly, looking at him the whole time.

Taehyun raised his eyes from the papers. “Ah”, he paused, not knowing what to do.

“I know I can be too much sometimes”, Seungyoon scratched his nape, chuckling, “but it’s my nature, I can’t really fight it. As the babysitter of our Hyesung, you should follow the rules”.

Taehyun nodded, then decided to speak. “Overall it’s reasonable, but – can I say it?”, Seungyoon gave him his permission, “Seriously, Brush Hyesung’s hair before she goes to sleep…”

“Ah, it’s too detailed”, he chuckled.

“Maybe I was too blunt”, Taehyun said. He suddenly felt miserable because he didn’t even stood a chance with this job, being without experience, and now his bad behavior had made him say something he should have just kept for himself.

Seungyoon smiled, his eyes sharpening, and Taehyun could almost see the train of his thoughts on his face. “No, not really. I like honesty, it’s way better than a nice façade, hypocrisy and lies. Those usually lead to unexpected results and unwanted outcomes; honesty is way more straight. If you had a trouble during babysitting, I’m sure you would call me instead of trying to conceal your mistake. I like it”.

Taehyun regained hope.

“But still...”, he paused as his phone started ringing. “Ah, I have to take this call, just wait a bit”, he said, getting up from the couch and walking around, as he talked at the phone. Taehyun overheard a female voice, but didn’t really pay attention.

He looked around: that wide living room was quite cool, with an entire wall of windows and white, long curtains half-covering the sight outside. The parquet was probably walnut wood, very light and fitting the overall whiteness of the room.

Taehyun noticed something even more interesting: a black-haired head, peeking from behind the couch where Seungyoon was sitting few minutes ago.

“Hyesungie?”, he attempted. The head moved, quickly hiding. Taehyun got up and reached the couch, kneeling on it as he looked behind it. Hyesung was there, a small child with black bobbed hair and two deep eyes, looking at him in perfect silence. Taehyun smiled at her, not knowing what to do, and the child smiled back.
“So, you’re our pretty Hyesungie”, he said slowly, trying to make her comfortable. “I didn’t know you were this pretty, this is why your dad is so picky, he doesn’t want to leave you with some bad people, he must be sure that you’ll be safe and well cared of”.

Hyesung kept looking at him, quiet. “I bet your dad always tells you to be careful when you go to school and to not talk to strangers”, Hyesung nodded, “and to keep your mouth closed as you eat and to take his hands when you walk with him”, Hyesung nodded again.

Taehyun smiled and the child smiled back, once more, as she couldn’t resist him. He was happy to see that she looked quite comfortable with him and she didn’t run away as soon as he found her. “Your dad is a good one, you know, taking care of you and all. He cares for you a lot, you always should remember that”, Taehyun said and his voice almost cracked, so Hyesung looked at him, his eyes asking for more, like she knew there was something else behind. Taehyun continued: “Not everyone is a good dad, but you shouldn’t worry about this. You should just cherish him, even when he nags more than you wish”.

“I see you two already bonded”, Seungyoon said and Taehyun jumped off from the couch, startled. Hyesung just stared at his dad, nodding in silence. She wasn’t a child of many words, Taehyun guessed.

“H-Hyesungie was there”, Taehyun tried to explain.

“It’s one of the few times she just doesn’t run away when a stranger comes here”, Seungyoon reached Hyesung and took her in his arms, rising her. He sat on the couch, on the same spot as before, with Hyesung on his lap. The child looked at Taehyun, quietly smiling. “I think she likes you”.

Taehyun sat on the other couch, fidgeting with the hem of his sweater as he replied that it must be so.

“Well, then…”

“You gave him the job?”

“Yes”, Seungyoon said, chuckling as his colleague Seunghoon gave him a disapproving look.

“But you said he didn’t have qualifications”, Seunghoon retorted. “And that he looks like a troublesome brat”.

“I never said that, I just said I don’t think he’ll stick to all my rules – but he looks like he has common sense, you know, so he might mitigate my over-the-top nagging. Or mostly, I think he could really make our Hyesungie have a good time, she looked so comfortable with him... and after I said I’d give him a week of try, I left them playing and I never saw Hyesung so happy while being with an adult. I think there is something in him that she truly likes”.

“That she likes, or that you like?”

“Hyung, you’re being ridiculous now”, Seungyoon took out the cigarette pack from his coat and offered him one. Seunghoon accepted the offer.

“Am I? Besides the lack of qualifications and past experiences, I can easily recall you saying – I’m quoting now – that he looked ‘very fine, no, more than fine, he could be a model for how handsome he is, even more because he has this indefinite yet real charm’, do you want me to go on?”

Seungyoon chuckled, almost blushing. “I was being honest. But he’s the babysitter of my daughter, hyung”.

“So you’re telling me you gave him the job just because Hyesung likes him, right?”

“And because of his honesty”.

“No second thoughts, then?”

Seungyoon wavered. It wasn’t like he had strange intentions with Nam Taehyun, the charming boy that stepped into his house last Saturday afternoon. He didn’t, because he knew it wasn’t right, but he couldn’t deny that he liked what he had seen: a slender yet muscular, tall body; thin, sharp lips, and even sharper eyes, quite intense; a peculiar pair of droopy eyebrows to give him the look of someone indecisive, in contrast with how he really was.

“Your answer is taking way too long, you know”, Seunghoon grinned.

“Shut up”.

“You know what is odd?”

Taehyun kept looking at his computer, trying to fix the annoying color of the photo he was modifying. “Your girlfriend complaining that you eat too much?”
“She likes me chubby, you moron”.

Taehyun glanced at Mino, giving him a ‘are-you-serious’ look while snorting.

“Anyway, it’s not that”.

“Then what?”

“You, you, Nam Taehyun!”

Taehyun stopped working at his assignment and looked at him once again. “Why, is it new?”

“Well, it’s more than usual”.

“On what degree?”, he chuckled, really not understanding what Mino meant and what he really wanted to say.

“I mean, you were so enthusiastic of this job and now you got it and it has been already a week and they finally assured you that you’re in and the payment is more than fine and you didn’t even comment anything, like anything at all about it”.

“It’s not like there is much to talk about it”.

“Oh, really?”, Mino gave him an inquisitor look. Taehyun almost feared he could hear his thoughts, in that moment, and then scolded himself for this stupid idea. Maybe Mino was rubbing off some of his dumbness on him. He shrugged.

“Really”.

“Because I think there is something behind this silence”.

“Like what?”

Mino thought about it, biting his lips. Taehyun knew he couldn’t really know the truth – he hoped so. “There must be something.  The job is not as great as you said but you don’t want to admit it, maybe?”

“It is really good, though”.

“The children is spiteful? Too noisy? Annoying?”

“She’s actually very lovely and quiet and she’s kind of a introvert little ball of fur, all softy and chubb-“

“Are you listening to yourself?”
“She’s cute, that’s it”, Taehyun almost blushed, revealing his soft spot for Hyesung.

“Then… the parents are too strict?”

“They, well, he...”

“He?”

“There is only the dad. But I’ve heard him frequently talking with a woman, the wife I guess, when he got back home after work, so maybe she’s away for some reasons?”

“Did you hear yourself assuming about two perfect strangers? Did you?”, shocked, Mino looked into his eyes and Taehyun feared he couldn’t hold that stare. “This is so fishy I could probably faint for the stink”.

“Mino, seriously”, he chuckled then, shuddering, in an attempt to drive him off from that interrogatory. But Mino wasn’t letting him do so.

“So. He”.

“Yes?”

“I can sense there is something off”, Mino pretended to sniff the air as a dog, pointing at Taehyun, finding his lead. “And it’s all about he”.

“You’re totally crazy. A crazy dog”, he sniggered.

“And you’re gay, Nam Taehyun”, Mino stated as that was enough to explain everything.

Truth be told, there was something absolutely unsettling in Kang Seungyoon and his smile.

Taehyun wouldn’t even mind him if it wasn’t that every day he arrived at his place, Seungyoon welcomed him with his best smile on his face, letting him step in quite eagerly, as he had to come back to work like in five minutes. He left the house just after kissing Hyesung on her forehead, wishing her a good time, and ran away like being late wasn’t contemplated in his life.

That smile made Taehyun feel flustered for some minutes, and he always needed a recovery time to cool down. Hyesung questioned him with her eyes, but as she was a quiet girl, she just sat next to him, waiting for him to talk. Taehyun was grateful for that.

Taehyun liked to be with Hyesung, naturally smiling as she searched for a contact, touching his face and his cheeks with spontaneous affection, or simply tugging the hem of his shirt, to call him in silence. If there was something odd – as Mino would say – that was her complete lack of words. Taehyun didn’t want to be rude, so he didn’t ask Seungyoon, but he thought that was not that normal. He tried to talk to her as much as possible, to fill her silence and show her how to speak, but she kept expressing her intentions with movements.

He didn’t mind it too much, though, besides the natural worry he had; Hyesung was good enough to explain what she wanted without words. He truly enjoyed how she liked to draw – in that, he could be helpful, majoring in graphic arts, and so he ended up painting with her, showing her the differences between oil colors and watercolors, between pencils and crayons, and letting her draw everything she wanted, appreciating her work with short comments. It was pretty inspiring, to be honest, and he got some ideas for his own projects, as her view of the things was truly different from his – Hyesung, being a child, didn’t catalog reality as an adult like him would do, but studied and dissected things in a way he had forgotten. Taehyun took notes and sketches while Hyesung worked.

Like this, the first month fled.

The Kang-smile-effect – called like this by Mino, and Taehyun couldn’t say he was wrong – didn’t really stop, even though Taehyun learned how to not show any possible reaction to it (although he really wanted to... – he didn’t want to say what). Hyesung grew more attached to him and it was a mutual thing, as Taehyun started to realize that he was happy to have that little kid waiting for him every afternoon, from Monday to Friday.

He was almost disappointed when Seungyoon got back home in the evening, even if he was truly glad to be free after those hours of work, because in the end it was pretty tiring. He promised Hyesung to see her next day, then, cleaning the mess they had made during the afternoon, while Seungyoon talked at the phone and changed himself.

It was his wife, most probably. Taehyun couldn’t help but be a little bit jealous – that was the most stupid thing in the world, he knew it, he totally, completely acknowledged it, but he couldn’t help it.

Every time this happened, Hyesung looked at him, like she knew something, so Taehyun always ended up playing with her a little more to distract her and then left, waving his hand at her and gaining another soft smile by Seungyoon.

If only he could simply avoid it, erase it from his memory, or be blind to that...

Then, one week Seungyoon asked him a favor.

“I have a birthday party this Saturday, so I won’t be able to stay with Hyesungie... and I seriously can’t bring her with me, as it’s my colleague’s party – which means, in the end, another work dinner. Of course I would pay you an extra”.

“Fine, Seungyoon-ssi”, Taehyun nodded,  hoping he won’t smile at him in response. Of course, Seungyoon didn’t hear his inner plea.

Taehyun smiled in reflex, wanting to escape from his feelings as much as possible. He wished he could stop his heart, but this wasn’t the way it worked.

“Ah, you’re so cute”, Seungyoon commented then, in a whisper, and ruffled his hair lightly. “Thank you a lot, Taehyun”.

Taehyun froze there. Seungyoon caught up his change of expression and a smirk appeared on his face.

Damn Kang Seungyoon, Taehyun muttered to himself, as he found comfort in Hyesung’s hug. He could still feel his eyes on him – no, probably Seungyoon was watching his own daughter, enjoying how happy she looked in his arms, but Taehyun couldn’t stop thinking he was actually staring at him, and that wasn’t good for his delusional mind.

This was so silly he wanted to scream at himself and come back to who he was before he met him.

“So, how is it going with the model babysitter?”

“I thought you had finally forgotten about him”, Seungyoon said, trying to avoid his question. “Is that an Armani?”

“Right. Valentino is a classic too”, Seunghoon commented his choice, touching the fabric of his suit, “but it’s not enough to make me forget about him, or should I say your intentions with him”.

“You should get your own life, hyung”.

“I do have one. Now, let me get you one”.

“Seriously”, Seungyoon whispered, as they entered the local where the party was set.

“Yes, I’m deadly serious. How is he? Only good-looking or there is more substance?”, Seunghoon asked, putting an arm around his shoulders, to keep him closer as he talked in a conspiring way.

“Well, he’s so good for our Hyesungie, I always found them having fun and smiling. I think she’s opening to him, there is such a deep bond between them even if it’s just been two months... I don’t know how he does it, he’s amazing. There must be something truly good in him”, he said, giving up to his hyung, but still wanting to escape his grasp as soon as possible. Seungyoon looked around, trying to find someone familiar in the crowd. He had to come across some of his acquaintances and start to talk with them, so that Seunghoon could not keep asking about Taehyun. “Moreover, I found out that he’s majoring in graphic arts and I really think he’s talented. Some of his sketches  I saw are impressive”.

“Dear lord, did you hear yourself? I think you could give your flat, your bank account and even your heart to that model kid”.

“Hyung”, he chuckled, unable to resist Seunghoon. “You’re such an idiot”.

“You’re the idiot one for not flirting with him all this time”.

“He’s the babysitter of our Hyesungie!”, he tried to explain once again.
“That’s never been a problem. Besides, this is just an excuse. Are you scared to get hurt, Seungyoon-ah?”, he laughed at him. “Or are you telling me you wouldn’t like to have him, you know, not just as a babysitter?”

“Shut up”, Seungyoon said, desperately scanning the crowd. Maybe he could distract Seunghoon with the champagne. He wasn’t that good at holding his liquor anyway.

“Do you have a photo of him, by the way? The curiosity could kill me right now”.

“Here, take this and be quiet”, Seungyoon handed him his phone.

“So you really have one”, Seunghoon checked his gallery and found a pic of Hyesung on the lap of a guy he had never seen. He was silent for around 20 seconds. “Well”, he paused, “I do understand you, now”.

“Give it to me”, Seungyoon tried to take his phone from him, but Seunghoon dodged him, still looking at the photo.

“Look at his wide should-“, Seungyoon slapped his arm and got his phone back. Seunghoon grinned widely and Seungyoon shivered, not sure if he wanted to know why he was smiling like this.

“What”.

“Well...”

“Tell me”.

“Look at you, being all jealous for just a photo”.

Seungyoon stared at him incredulously. What to reply to this, he wondered. But, finally, his salvation was there: “Seunghoon hyung, look, Jinwoo hyung is here!”, he exulted, dragging him from one arm to their favorite hyung.

Seungyoon got home at 2 AM, after fighting for his freedom as Seunghoon and Jinwoo tried to hold him longer. “I have to go back to Hyesungie”, “Or to your model kid?”, Seunghoon mouthed and he had to slap him once again.

If he truly wanted to be honest, he had this kind of unexplainable attraction for the boy. Seungyoon had tried to clarify his own feelings: he liked Taehyun because he was a good babysitter to his daughter, a very good one; and he was glad to see his daughter so comfortable, knowing how it was difficult to approach her in the right way; he could easily see how much she was learning to count on other people, besides Seungyoon himself, as she started to realize that others could be interesting and friendly. Of this he was so grateful that he might have exchanged this feeling for something else.

But then, Taehyun was interesting, not just as a babysitter, but as a person. Seungyoon wanted to see him more, find out what he thought (yes, even what he thought about him), what he liked, who were his favorite singers and painters, if he enjoyed reading, if he preferred novels to poems... and, of course, he couldn’t really stop thinking about how he liked him physically. Taehyun was stunning, and he couldn’t get used to it. Not to his long eyelashes and his eyes, and his lovely, warm smile; not to his very big hands and his whole figure, so model-like. He didn’t even resist, the other day, and followed his impulse to ruffle his hair. As expected, it was extremely soft.

Tipsy but still in control, Seungyoon entered his flat, tiptoeing. Everything was dark and still. He reached the living room and gulped to see Taehyun sleeping on the couch on the left. As he looked he noticed his daughter on his lap, a hand of his covering her back. Seungyoon smiled, feeling warm at that sight.

“Ah, what to do with you, Nam Taehyun”, he started to ramble, softly. He tried to disentangle them without waking them up, attentively, while he checked his face. The light coming from the street was bright enough to make him visible, and Seungyoon took his time to look at him from so close.

Taehyun was sleeping peacefully, his lips parted as he breathed rhythmically, his eyes moving under his eyelids as he dreamed. Seungyoon wanted to brush his hair once again, but controlled himself and carried Hyesung to his room.

Then he got back with a blanket and wrapped it around Taehyun. With a big smile on his face, helplessly unable to stop, he finally let himself touch his hair, tucking some of his strands behind his ear.

“This time you’re forgiven, even if you didn’t put our Hyesungie to bed as you should, just because you’re too beautiful”.

He shuddered for his own cheesiness.

Taehyun suddenly woke up, startled. He looked around, trying to calm down, and slowly recognized where he was. Yes, he said to himself, he was at Seungyoon-ssi’s place and... where was Hyesung?

He checked the couch, but she wasn’t  there anymore.

Frantic, he rushed up to her room, but her bed was empty. Even more anxious, he came back to the living room, but she was nowhere to be seen. Then, he almost gasped as he realized she could be in her father’s room and he headed there.

He crept into the room, tiptoeing, and he nearly let out a chuckle when he saw them: Seungyoon and Hyesung, sleeping, the child totally on his chest, her face in the crook of his neck; Seungyoon didn’t look too comfortable, with Hyesung’s weight on him, but still his lips were curled upwards in a sincere smile. One born from the closeness he must feel during the sleep, holding his daughter in his arms.

Taehyun breathed heavily, touched. Something deep down in his soul stirred, making him look away. He wanted to stop thinking – about things he promised himself to completely erase from his life – but he really couldn’t. He looked at them once again and thought that Seungyoon was truly a good father, and an admirable one.

He saw himself, longing for a hug that would never come from his own father, hoping to be listened by him, wishing to be noticed, to be taken care of... Taehyun smiled as he remembered things he had kept hidden for so long that he was sure he had completely forgot. But they were still there, those memories, a part of him that he could never leave behind.

He got back to the living room, ready to go away. He didn’t really want to spend the night there, even if it was – what? 3 AM –, he felt like he needed to go home.

He couldn’t help but smile when he noticed the blanket on the couch – so Seungyoon had covered him with it; this thought made him warm inside, and a little bit embarrassed – and then, when he grabbed his bag, placed on the coffee table, he saw a post-it stuck on the leather.

“As it was a birthday party, we had cake. I’ve brought a slice for you (leave the other one to Hyesungie, please)”. Nagging as usual – but oh so sweet. Taehyun could feel his cheeks burning for all the attentions he had received that night.

He headed to the kitchen and opened the fridge. There they were: two slices of cake with sweet whipped cream and strawberries on the top.

As he chewed his part, impatient to end it as soon as possible, his feelings hit him all at once. He was so in love with him – he hoped to eat this truth in the process.  

“I need a distraction”.

“What?”

“I think I might really like him”.

“Finally you see the light!”, Seunghoon cherished, dancing for the occasion.

“There is nothing to celebrate”.

“Come on”.

“He might be... I don’t know, het. Or already taken. Or he could not like me. He might despise me”.

“He’s not blind, I suppose”, Seunghoon tried to be supporting.

“Oh seriously”.

“You should just test the water, you know”.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried at all.

After that Saturday night, in the morning Taehyun wasn’t there and Seungyoon was upset to not find him where he had left him, as the house was a little emptier without him – which were, Seungyoon thought, just his feelings speaking the truth quite clearly. The house was perfectly fine, it was him the empty one.

Then, he had tried to linger a tad longer at home when Taehyun got there, every afternoon; he even had started conversations, without getting more than some humming and nodding by Taehyun.

The possibilities were infinite, he knew it, but he had pruned them to few: Taehyun wasn’t gay, Taehyun was gay and didn’t like him, Taehyun was gay, he liked him but he was too shy (he didn’t want to think at the option of him having already someone in his life). However, he wasn’t that easy to approach – Seungyoon had to admit that it was also due to the effect Taehyun had on him – and this was driving him crazy.

The more he tried to talk, the more Taehyun backed away. After few attempts – Seungyoon had tried everything, from art, with a beautiful digression about Schiele, to music and cinema – Seungyoon noticed that there was something between them: an invisible wall built by Taehyun every time he tried to get closer.

He could almost picture Taehyun erecting his defenses as he walked towards him.

This was something unexpected – yes, he could have been shy, but this was too much – and Seungyoon didn’t really know how to deal with it.

Maybe Taehyun really disliked him, after all.

Taehyun was so stressed out that not even the cigarette could give him comfort.

“You’re killing it”, Mino said, pointing out how Taehyun was torturing the white stick in his hand.

“That- there is a thing that is eating me”.

“Say it”.

“It’s way too embarrassing”.

Mino looked at him, baffled, and raised an eyebrow. “Come on, I don’t think anything will beat that time when you told me about the guy fanatic for feet”.

“Ugh, why you recalled that now”, Taehyun shivered. “That was pretty weird”.

“Quite”.

“Anyway, this is a different kind of embarrassment”.

“Try me”, Mino grinned and Taehyun was glad to have him, in that moment, because he stood him even in the ty times, without too many complaints.

“So, do you remember the ‘he’ from our last conversation?”

“Oh, he. How to forget – even if I have no idea of how he looks”.

“Yeah anyway, he has a daughter and a wife”.

“Well, I guess that’s a problem”.

“The problem is... I can stand my heart and my stupid feelings, I can try to hold myself and not act silly, you know, I’m perfectly fine – no, I’m not fine, at all, but well, I can manage, as I always did”.

Mino nodded, waiting for the ‘but’ of that talk.

“But what I really can’t bear is... him. I swear to God, I don’t know what happened to him, he’s always been sociable and amiable and all the thing I’ll never be, you know, he has such a soft, warm smile, and I have to admit that even his deep voice is quite interesting- anyway, yes, he has always been this kind of person easy to approach, but he has never tried so hard to... talk with me? Stay with me? I don’t even know how to define his attempts, you see, I really don’t know how to label this situation – but it and I think I might break down one of these days”.

Mino saw him taking a deep breath, finally silent. He knew there was more, as Taehyun talked only under stress and it was usually a word vomit of emotions bottled up in months, so he lit up a cigarette for himself and smoked, waiting.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him, I thought he was a nice guy, he loves his daughter, he’s happy somehow, he works, he lives a pretty decent life – why does he have to mess it up? I’m reading the signals in a wrong way? Maybe he’s just trying to be nice, nicer than ever, and I’m a total moron, a freak who thinks he’s trying to... to flirt with me?”, he laughed, dryly, “but seriously, if this is the case, if he’s truly, bluntly flirting with me, he even fixed my hair once”, Mino eyed him, alarmed, “well, just a lock behind my ear, anyway, if he’s flirting with me – why?”

“You’re pretty handsome, or so my girlfriend told me”, Mino replied.

“You . He has a nice life, he loves his daughter so much, I-“

“Maybe he doesn’t love his wife that much”.

“ once again”.

“I might be...”, Mino chuckled. “Anyway, you know what you’re best at?”

Taehyun looked at him, puzzled.

“Honesty”, Mino smiled. “Well, not about your feelings, but you could try for once”.

Honesty my , Taehyun thought for many days, as he kept working as Hyesung’s babysitter. He noticed that Seungyoon wasn’t so fast-forward as before, less prone to talk to him. Perhaps he had given up, Taehyun guessed. That thought made him somehow unhappy and for that he spited himself a lot.

Some weeks passed, the awkwardness still in the air when Seungyoon opened the door to let him in. After a while, Taehyun got used to that. He had probably imagined everything, until then, and now everything was back to normal.

One day, though, something unexpected happened.

“Ah, today I can be a little late for work, I think I’ll stay here for 30 minutes”, Seungyoon told him.

Taehyun nodded. “If you want I can come back later”.

Seungyoon smiled. “No way... look, Hyesung is here to welcome you home”.

And there she was, a little tornado of black bobbed hair and red and gray cotton.

“Got you”, Taehyun hugged her and she climbed on him, happily. Taehyun carried her to the living room.

“Let’s play together, shall we?”, Seungyoon proposed, bringing her dolls and stuffed animals on the parquet.

They made a big house for the animals all together, Hyesung directing the construction with her hands, Seungyoon and Taehyun following her command. Then, the roles were decided: the lion was the dad and the giraffe the mom, the three ponies the daughters and the monkey the only son; the mouse and the dog were the uncle and aunt. They played a bit, impersonating the different characters.

Taehyun laughed as Seungyoon changed his voice to play the mom, showing his natural talent for aegyo. He was so – Taehyun didn’t know how to define him, but he was so funny and lovely, finally showing this side of him; it was the first time Taehyun was allowed to see Seungyoon being a father who played with his daughter, and he loved him even more for that. He felt a sting of pain as he clearly thought it – ah, I want to be with this man.

Taehyun wasn’t as good as Seungyoon at aegyo and Hyesung pinched him on his arm, jokingly, then hugged him with an arm. Taehyun tingled her belly, making her chuckle. Seungyoon watched them, a smile on his face, approving.

Taehyun was something unexplainable, really. A mystery he wanted to solve, daily, but not in his totality – Seungyoon just wanted to get closer to him, step to step, and start to know what there was inside him, what his past was, what he liked and disliked... he wanted to know him, Nam Taehyun, and love him more than he already did – because there was so much already there, even if he acted bluntly and practically, under that behavior there was such a warm heart, ready to welcome his daughter without hesitation; and those deep eyes, which didn’t let him see through him, were still showing him his emotions with honesty.

Seungyoon left that house with the resolution of making him his, sooner or later.

Taehyun studied the drawing Hyesung gave him with attention.

“So, this is your daddy, right?”, he pointed to a figure who clearly was Seungyoon. “And this is you”, he smiled. Then he looked at the other member of the family: tall as Seungyoon, she had longer hair than him and wore a bright yellow jumper and trousers. “So... I guess this is your mom, isn’t she?”

Hyesung shook his head.

“What... Hyesungie, don’t make a fool out of me”, he chuckled, patting her head.

But she was serious and pouted.

“So who is... she?”

Hyesung smiled and pointed at him.

“Me, really?”, he said, feeling his heart swelling with an indescribable joy.

She nodded, then quietly added, whispering: “Our uncle”.

“Ah?”, Taehyun asked, too shocked to realize what she had did.

“Our uncle, Taehyun”.

Taehyun broke into a smile and hugged her, muttering ‘our uncle’ as he held her. Some tears wetted his cheeks – he really couldn’t help it, too shaken to control his emotions.

Hyesung had talked.

That night, when Seungyoon got home, he was almost assaulted by an hyperactive Nam Taehyun.

“What happened?”, Seungyoon said, startled by the behavior of the guy, so unusual for him. Taehyun couldn’t really talk properly, agitated, and grabbed his arm to lead him to the leaving room.

“Hyesung is sleeping”, he announced, letting go his grasp on him and composing himself. “Have a sit, Seungyoon-ssi”. Seungyoon did as he bid, unsure of what Taehyun wanted to tell him. This was so atypical.

“So... I don’t know how to say it, really, I, it was so surprising and unexpected, I seriously didn’t think it possible, but it happened-“

“Calm down, Taehyun”, Seungyoon chuckled. Maybe Taehyun wanted to conf... Seungyoon scolded himself mentally, accusing himself of too much daydreaming.

“Hyesung talked”.

Silence.

Seungyoon could hear his ears buzzing, his heart beating in his throat, fast.

“What?”

“Hyesungie, our Hyesungie talked. She told me... she drew me, you and herself and I asked her if she drew her mother next to the two of you, but she said ‘Our uncle, Taehyun’”, he laughed, too overwhelmed by just saying it at loud. “She did so! I swear, I’m not telling stories”.

“She- She did so?”

Taehyun nodded, a bright, wide smile spreading on his face.

“She did so, she did, our Hyesungie”, Seungyoon muttered, looking away, moving his eyes quickly without really focusing on something. He was glad he was sitting on the couch, now, or he might had fainted. “She did it”, he looked at Taehyun and he glanced back.

Seungyoon focused on him. His beautiful, happy, even joyful smile, and his droopy eyebrows more arched than usual; his eyes twinkling of a total bliss as he thought of Hyesung.

Seungyoon took his hand, grabbing it tightly. Taehyun tugged his arm, trying to avoid the contact, but Seungyoon didn’t let him do so.

When he spoke, his voice cracked. “Hyesung... our Hyesungie is an orphan”. Taehyun stopped the struggle. “I had this very good friend of mine, she- she was so precious to me, I cherished her a lot – Hyesung has her smile, you know – and anyway, all our circumstances don’t really matter, she got married and had this beautiful kid. Then, one day”, he smiled, painfully, “one day they had a car accident. I don’t know how Hyesung survived it, I think it was a blessing somehow, a last miracle... she was saved, but her parents died. I- she didn’t have anyone, really, no one who cared enough. I- I don’t know why, I just felt I wanted to protect that kid, her kid, my kid – our Hyesungie, she was so pretty, the day of the funeral. Sad, silent, scarred; still so pretty and fragile... she was just a child and like every child she needed someone to protect her. So I took this role. I became her father”.

Taehyun wanted to wipe his tears, but he didn’t know if he could, so he fidgeted with his free hand, playing with his necklace.

“Maybe I was mindless. I can be so stubborn, sometimes, and I had this, this goal in mind... to give her a family, even just one father would be more than she had at that time. I struggled, but I finally adopted her. She- she didn’t talk at all, though. At first, even to approach her was hard, you know, she was just an empty shell, all curled up on herself – I don’t know how she felt, but I tried to understand her as much as I could and slowly tried to gain her trust. Step to step, I made her eat, draw, smile. I made her go to the kindergarten. Every day I could see how much she was healing, learning how to bear the pain I guess, and starting to love me. I felt so happy. But then you, you came and I could easily see how she opened up with you – you two share a bond I almost envy”, he chuckled, tears still flowing on his cheeks, and Taehyun thought he was beautiful even while crying, “I don’t know, I guess she saw something in you, some good, an affinity, a similarity, something. She changed so much thanks to you and now she’s happy enough to call your name. I think she wanted to be sure you won’t go anywhere, you know, children always learns to call their mom and dad pretty soon, because they see them the most and they are the most important thing in the world and – so she said your name, Taehyun, because you’re so precious to her”.

Taehyun smiled. Seungyoon raised his free hand and wiped his tears. “I didn’t even realized I was crying”, Taehyun said, feeling silly. Seungyoon’s calloused thumb lingered on his cheeks, rubbing his skin as he cleaned his face.

They stood in silence for few minutes. Seungyoon shifted his hand, but didn’t let go of Taehyun’s hand, still clasped in his other one. Taehyun enjoyed it, naturally.

“We must celebrate, then”, Seungyoon broke the silence.

Taehyun nodded, eagerly. Then, something totally improper, but still important hit him. “Wait... wait”.

“What?”

“But I thought you were married”.

Seungyoon furrowed his brow. “What?”

“Yes, you – you kept talking to a woman!”, Taehyun almost sounded desperate, and maybe he was. So. Freaking. Silly – he was glad no one but Seungyoon was there to see him in that moment. Actually, it was the opposite. Why Seungyoon was there to see him losing his wits?

“I... a woman?”

“Yes, every day when you got home. I could clearly hear it”.

“Ah, you mean my mother”.

“... your mother?”

“My mother”.

“Ah, I see”. Taehyun felt the sudden urge to run away from there and tried to free himself from his hand, but Seungyoon was pretty strong and stubborn and didn’t let him go, once again.

“Ah – I see”, Seungyoon’s grin was so wide that Taehyun could see all his teeth. He was sincerely happy of something and Taehyun had the vague suspect he knew what.

“Well, maybe I should really go, if you would let me”.

“Why don’t you stay for dinner, instead?”, Seungyoon smiled even more. Nam Taehyun, he didn’t really have to catch him, he was already his.

“My... my friends need me”.

“I need you more”.

“I didn’t know you were gay”, he finally blurted out.

“You never asked. Besides, I never wore a ring, how did you think I was married, you fool”.

“I- I don’t know, I guess jealousy blinded me”.

Seungyoon chuckled. Taehyun was lost. He had been for a long time, anyway.

“I will stay for dinner, then?”, Taehyun wondered.

Seungyoon replied with a quick peck on his lips. “You have to wake up our Hyesungie, though, she has to eat too”.

“Before that…”, Taehyun whispered on his lips and kissed him properly, sliding his free hand on his shoulder, pulling him closer.

Well, who cared about all the embarrassment of his misunderstanding when he could kiss Kang Seungyoon. Taehyun had to stay there for dinner, he couldn’t do other way.

“Ah, I must give 20 bucks to Seunghoon when I see him next time”, Seungyoon talked, his lips pressed on his cheek, as he tasted his salty skin.

“Hm?”, Taehyun asked.

“I bet against my success with you in the span of a month”.

“You fool”.

They both laughed, hugging each other. Everything was perfectly fine, now.

Mino looked at the screen of his telephone. “I’m sorry to skip this outing with the guys, but I have other plans”. A giggle escaped his mouth. “Ah, finally our Taehyunie made it”, he danced around the pub, celebrating an event he had waited for months. 

*

But it's also their faults, isn't it? 

I'm sorry for the silliness of this fic... I'm more like this than serious haha but I promise the next thing I'll write will be the last chapter of Fade to black ^-^ Thank you so much for reaching more than 1000 views and 51 subscribers! I heart you a lot :')