XIII

Guitar lessons

The first time is just after their Japanese tour ends.

Taehyun knocks on his door at night and Seungyoon grunts a reply, letting him in. Taehyun chuckles as he sees Seungyoon rolling on his bed, his precious notes in his hands. “Working hard?”, he asks, getting closer and tentatively sitting on the edge of his bed. Seungyoon looks at him in silent, nodding.

“I have an idea for a new song”. He points at the lyrics scribbled on the page. Seungyoon doesn’t say he’s too tired to go to the studio now – his body is numb for the pain; even if it’s just autumn, it’s already cold and the idea of the chill air seeping through his clothes is not the most tempting one. Taehyun doesn’t need any word to see that.

“I was thinking… remember last time, when I played your guitar for the fans?”

“Playing is... optimistic”, Seungyoon cracks a smile, but his eyes are still dull and tired.

Taehyun accepts his comment without a flinch. “So, I think I could learn. Properly. Would you mind…”, he pauses, mostly because he wants to know how Seungyoon will continue that sentence. How he’ll fill that gap.

“Lend you one of my babies?”, he looks at him with doubt written all over his face.

Taehyun frowns, knowing how possessive he is with his belongings. “I won’t even scratch it, I’ll be very careful. Or maybe you think I won’t be able to master the art of guitar?”

Seungyoon looks away, his eyes travels over the guitars neatly placed on the wall. A small smile tugs the corner of his lips. “I think the maknae can do anything in the world”, his voice is warmer now and Taehyun can see how the same softness of his words relaxes the muscles of his whole face and body. He isn’t that much in pain when he speaks: “You know you’re this talented, Taehyun. So if you want, just try. Take the brown one”.

Taehyun can’t help but smile. “You always give too much of yourself, hyung”, he jokes, but he’s actually serious – he hides his face as he takes the guitar in his hands. “Sometimes you should play the cold one. For your own good”.

Seungyoon hugs the notes, folding his arms on his chest. His eyes are sparkling now – finally, Taehyun thinks. “This is how I am, this is who I am. And you can’t really complain, you’re getting one of my faves”, he giggles in his usual, high-pitched way, “I know you need all the kind words you can get. Everyone needs someone who believes in them, so I’ll be yours. There is a book for starters right on that shelf, serve yourself. Try”.

Taehyun thanks him and gets all he needs, his hands full of Seungyoon’s things. He falters, stopping to look at Seungyoon: he’s still lying on his bed, staring at him longingly. It’s one of those times when there is something Taehyun can’t read in his eyes and that makes Taehyun uncomfortable, because Seungyoon usually is an open book to him.

“I need to rest now... you can give it back tomorrow”, Seungyoon whispers, rolling on his side and giving him his back.

“Sure”, Taehyun says softly and closes the door behind him. There are words he wishes he said still on the tip on his tongue – regret already forming inside his chest, painfully. “Who is the one who supports you when you need someone believing in you, hyung? You always count only on yourself”, he speaks to the door and then leaves.

The second time is way later because they’ve been too busy to have any leisure time.

Seungyoon is in the studio, a hand planted on his face as he tries to get over the feel of complete hopelessness without really succeeding. There is so much bottled up inside him that he feels his nerves jolting right under his skin, his muscles twitching as his heartbeat overwhelms any of his thoughts with his uneven rhythm. Maybe he should write a song following that beat – he laughs nervously at himself.

And then Taehyun enters the room, a smile painted on his face. “Hyung”, he says and there is so much life and light in that simple word, Seungyoon thinks he can’t outlive it, not today. Taehyun smells of many things: of soft warm bread and brewed, tongue-burning coffee; of books and grass and maybe even a hint of concrete. Taehyun brings the city with him and Seungyoon looks at him to see that, enjoying every nuance.

“Did you have fun?”, he asks, watching Taehyun sitting across from him.

He nods. “Quite. I brought Mino hyung to the tattoo parlour I usually go to. He picked up such a big tattoo and he plans to get it on his collarbone, I just- it’s so like him, I guess”, he sighs and then looks at him. “Did you enjoy yourself, sulking the whole day?”

“Not really”, Seungyoon admits. He fidgets, strumming some random notes on his beloved guitar as he looks away. He can feel Taehyun’s glare on his skin – there is still a smile on his face and that’s so lively he must really be uber satisfied with everything he did today. Seungyoon asks himself why he’s so unpleased instead.

“Hyung, if you’re gonna keep being like this, can I take your guitar for a while… you know, learning the basis”.

“Sure”, he lends him his guitar and follows him with his eyes. Taehyun seats on the bench and tries to play some notes, still awkwardly.

Seungyoon decides to put his headphones on and play the he has composed today. He closes his eyes and tries to stay positive, humming the melody as the song unfolds.

But no matter how much he attempts to fall into it, to lose himself in that music – there is no sparkle in there. And he can precisely, clearly feel Taehyun’s presence right in front of him, even with his eyes closed and his ears covered.

The third time is another bad day for Seungyoon.

He has basically settled down in the studio, dirty bowls of jajamyun and ramyun scattered all around his seat, loose sheets all over his desk, his guitar set on the left empty side of it. He just can’t find the right inspiration to ultimate his song – he is apparently unable to fall in that specific, exhilarating mood in which there is nothing but music, his whole body and mind being a tool to bring the song to light.

Taehyun knocks at the door right when Seungyoon thinks he really needs a break. He lets him in and studies the maknae as he places his bag on one of the few clean spots and then sits beside him.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came here hoping I might borrow your guitar... can I?”, Taehyun is tired too, but not as much as him, and his lively, beautiful smile is still on his face. Seungyoon can feel a new arrangement ringing in his ears.

“Sure... I’ll be fine without it”.

Taehyun starts to strum something and Seungyoon is back to work. His fingers fly over the keyboard, as he finishes what he started with an easiness he hasn’t had in days. Weeks.

He momentarily forgets Taehyun is there and loses himself in the music. But when the piece is complete and he finally sprawls on the chair, his eyes end up on Taehyun once again.

He’s struggling, a frown on his face as he mutters curses between his teeth. His eyes are fixed on his fingers, trying to play few notes but failing miserably; he’s so focused he doesn’t see Seungyoon approaching him and he’s startled when Seungyoon places his hand on his shoulder.

“You have so much to work on”.

“Well, thank you, Mr. obvious”, Taehyun replies, running his fingers on the chords with anger. Seungyoon giggles at his temper – Taehyun is always like this, he can’t help but being impulsive, constantly led by his emotions more than his thoughts. There is no patience in him and that’s why Seungyoon was so surprised of his request, in the first place. Learning how to play an instrument is not an easy task and it requires perseverance, something Taehyun hasn’t.

“You really can’t make that G sound right”, Seungyoon looks at his fingers oddly positioned on the guitar, pressing the wrong chords to play that note. He shifts and covers his left hand with his own, moving each one of his fingers on the right place. “Here, like this”.

Taehyun plays the guitar and it’s the exact note he wanted. He turns to look at him, smiling, and Seungyoon does the same. He can feel a sense of joyful, cracking wholeness spreading through his stomach – Seungyoon is happy, so happy he wishes he could dance around and being the usual dork he always is, but Taehyun wouldn’t probably understand. Or maybe he’s underestimating him.

“That feels nice, right? To actually play a note correctly. It only gets better”.

Taehyun nods and then tries again. He changes note once, then again he’s back to G. He’s slow, but Seungyoon doesn’t rush him. This isn’t enough for Taehyun, though, because he blurts in a sigh: “My fingers are no good, they’re on my way, too big for these chords – hyung, I wish I had yours, I can bet it’s an advantage to have such slim long fingers”.

Seungyoon chuckles. “Weren’t you always proud of your big hands?”

Taehyun pouts, annoyed. “Yeah, right”.

Seungyoon giggles and Taehyun can’t help but laugh. “You look way better than when I got into this room, you’re aren’t that zombie-ish anymore”.

“And your hands aren’t a problem at all, it’s just practice”.

“Maybe you could…”

“Maybe I could help you this time”.

Taehyun nods eagerly and Seungyoon wonders if this is what he has wanted all this time, if this is what Taehyun actually hoped to achieve. He throws that preposterous thought away and sits on his left, placing a hand on his back for just a moment. It’s nice to feel Taehyun stirring under his touch –Seungyoon doesn’t linger and pats his shoulders. “Come on, let’s get to work”.

And so he leads him, ready to fix every mistake, placing his fingers on the right chords until Taehyun can play all the notes he manages to memorize today.

The fourth time Seungyoon is the one who asks Taehyun if he wants to play. He lends him his guitar and watches him struggling until he offers to help him. Taehyun accepts him as his guitar teacher.

Fifth turns to tenth and tenth turns to nth – Seungyoon has honestly lost the count after a while.

At first it’s just something he feels to do, but later he finds true happiness in it. He puts aside some of the work he has to do, some of the bad thoughts he keeps piling up as the stress eats him up, and discovers the pleasure of spending those moments with Taehyun, teaching him something he has mastered a long time ago.

It doesn’t matter if the next day they’ll have to work harder than before or if today he already has tons of things to do – he always finds an hour for Taehyun, he makes time for him. Actually, he even looks forward for it, for that hour together, for his hand softly guiding Taehyun’s and the bad stupid jokes he’ll probably say and Taehyun will most surely scorns at; for his laughter and his hyungs and all his curious questions and those rare moments of sincerity, when Taehyun tells him what he thinks about what they’re going through as Winner and what music he wants to do next and the movies and books he has recently enjoyed.

Taehyun has so many interests and has so much life in him – Seungyoon finds himself drinking all of that, learning to enjoy it, to breathe steadily and appreciate the calm of that shared time. He slows down – with Taehyun.

Taehyun tells the fans he wants to learn how to play guitar. He doesn’t say Seungyoon is already helping him, he has been teaching him for some months already. He probably wants to surprise the fans later.

Seungyoon finds himself joking with him. He feels a happiness and serenity he can’t really explain tugging the strings of his heart – there, with Taehyun, as they smile.

It’s the n-plus-other-nth time and Taehyun is laughing fully, a hand gripping Seungyoon’s shoulder as he tries to not shake too much.

“So, are you telling me you didn’t start this because you really wanted to learn guitar?”

“Oh, well, that was part of the plan, I mean… guitars are such resourceful instruments and I’ve always envied how you played it that well, making new tunes with just that – but that’s not it, not the main reason”.

“Then what?”

“I thought you would understand”, Taehyun looks at him. Seungyoon really doesn’t want to read more than he’s supposed to do in those eyes; he’s not brave enough to just speak his mind.

“I guess I don’t”.

Taehyun looks away. Probably it’s something he doesn’t want to say at loud, Seungyoon guesses. He sees how Taehyun’s shoulders drop and he chews his lower lip, trying to find a way to say what he keeps inside.

Taehyun is always like this: he’s not good when it comes to express himself, not his direct, true emotions. He prefers silence. And silence has always been good for them, words not needed when they could understand each other easily. But it’s something they lost one day – there are times Seungyoon can’t get what Taehyun thinks and there are times he hides his own feelings, because it’s better like that.

He thinks so, but now he wishes he could read what’s in Taehyun’s mind.

“I… I couldn’t find a way”, Taehyun starts talking, he fidgets with his hands, strumming the tune he has learnt tonight. “I just couldn’t find a way to help you. You wouldn’t listen when we said you needed something… something different to make you rest a bit. Have a break isn’t necessary sleep or doing nothing, it’s ok as long as you stop thinking for a while, you  forget all the duties you have and the things you must do and just – live your life and enjoy that time. There is nothing like this for you, Seungyoon hyung”. He sets the guitar apart.

Seungyoon stays silent. He raises a hand and brushes his hair softly, scared that Taehyun might backs away – when he doesn’t, he goes on, finding relief in the smoothness under his fingers.

“So I thought and thought and then I realized I could do this. I could make you help me – you never say no to such a thing and even more when it comes to guitars. I thought you could... I don’t know, enjoy yourself? I never expected you to make time for me or anything like that, but it happened, I could see you – you being happy”. A smile reaches his eyes. “And I liked it too, quite a lot”.

Seungyoon doesn’t really know what to say. He knows deep inside how gentle Taehyun can be from time to time, but he has never expected this. There are no words to describe what he’s feeling now and he just hugs him tightly.

Taehyun stirs, maybe wanting to escape his embrace, but then he leans in and just drapes his own arms around Seungyoon, placing his chin on his shoulder as he lets his cheek brush Seungyoon’s.

“I don’t know what to say”, Seungyoon blurts out.

“A thank you would be fine”.

“But there is so much more than that”, Seungyoon falters, he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to tell him what he really wants to say. “I... I never thought you would do such a thing, just for me”.

“It’s because you always count just on yourself. You forget other people can give you something – more than just their simple presence in your life. They can give you so much more, but you never ask. I guessed I had to impose myself, then”.

“Is it… is it ok if I just randomly, totally casually stop being serious and drops out a bomb I kept inside me all this time and I just—“

“Say it”. Taehyun chuckles and Seungyoon can sense his body vibrating right in his arms. It feels... glorious and new and dumbfounding and once again glorious.

“I might... I, I just love you. I think. I guess you could say so”.

“Well, that’s not new”.

“Jesus, Taehyun-“

He hugs him even tighter and Seungyoon stops rambling. “I know. I mean, yes. Me too”.

“You know I meant-“

“Yes, you stupid. That way. Me too”.

Seungyoon just falls quiet for a while. A smile on his lips, he enjoys Taehyun’s presence. But then, he can’t help it: “And when did it start? What was the first thing you liked about me? Were you one of my fans?”

“I do prefer when you stay silent, you know”, Taehyun hisses, poking Seungyoon’s head with his own. Seungyoon laughs – happily in his arms.

*

So, some facts: Taehyun "played" Seungyoon's guitar during Japanese tour; he said he wants to learn how to play guitar at WWIC in Seoul and got spotted today, carrying a guitar. He also said in the Welcoming DVD that Seungyoon doesn't rest/has a hobby/etc and I think that concern is... real. 

Well... this song helped me write this fic today. I hope you'll like this chapter! ^u^