XII

Shelter

There had been a time when everything was easy between them, even without words. A time Taehyun would simply look at him and smile, knowing he could count on him even when everyone else would give him their backs; a time Seungyoon would find his strength in him, his smiles being the driving force that made him wake up in the morning and his laughter the reason he would fight for all of them.

There had been a time when they were ok.

Seungyoon sits up and looks outside, ruffling his hair as he watches the sky turning pink, lilac, blue. He sighs and streches his torso to look at Taehyun sleeping, his fists clenching the sheets on the side where Seungyoon has been till few minutes earlier.

He smiles at him, seeing how Taehyun searches him even in his sleep.

When Taehyun had started to see somebody, after their second mini-album, something had changed between them. Seungyoon couldn’t pinpoint what it was and he couldn’t really talk about it with the other members, as he felt guilty of something he didn’t even know how to name.

It irked him – to see Taehyun smile for someone who wasn’t him and say all the things he usually told him to someone else. All his thoughts, inspirations, goals – the new artist he had found out as he googled contemporary art and the new song he had been obsessed with. All his words were now of someone who wasn’t Seungyoon – and with them, all his silences.

Seungyoon hated it to the core. 

Taehyun wakes up later, when Seungyoon is already in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. Actually just ramyun, because he’s not much of a cooker.

When Taehyun steps in the room, yawning good morning, Seungyoon feels his heart clutching. He still remembers the fight they had last night.

They eat in almost complete silence, Taehyun humming a song he’s trying to finish since last week. Seungyoon runs a hand on his arm, his fingers scratching his skin as he tries to feel Taehyun – he looks at him, a small smile on his lips, his eyes sparkling.

“It’s ok”, Taehyun says. They’re ok.

Seungyoon knows he’s just pretending to be strong.

Taehyun liked his boyfriend because he had very warm, soft hands and such an assertive, dominant personality. So different from the man he could never have.

He thought he loved him, even if he was half of himself with him, stuck in between the need of being appealing and his boyfriend’s desires and requests. He was grateful he could forget the other him for the time they were together. Taehyun was so in love with the idea of being able to put him aside for his boyfriend that he satisfied every whim and wish his boyfriend had, even when it hurt him.

Taehyun tried so hard to erase Seungyoon from his heart, but he lived underneath his skin, where he couldn’t reach him.

They go for a walk. The shore is wet under their feet, the humidity of the night still trapped between the sand grains; they leave footprints behind them.

Seungyoon can see how Taehyun is trying to be the cool one, telling him there are no problems at all in what they’re doing together.

There is, though – trouble, right between them. There was the first time Seungyoon just yelled at him, telling he couldn’t keep seeing someone who treated him that badly, he couldn’t stand seeing one of s crushing for such a trash like that one – he couldn’t see Taehyun losing himself for that jerk. There was trouble when Taehyun yelled back at him, crying out that everything was fine as long as he could be numb, as long as he could stop thinking about him – about a love he could never pursue.

There was trouble when they got together, defying every common sense of never mixing work and personal life; even more, of never getting involved when there is too much history.

Taehyun had too many scars and it was all because of Seungyoon, in the end.

“We’re not ok”, Seungyoon is the strong one when he faces the truth. “But we can fix it”. Even like that, he hurts if he thinks of what Taehyun went through because of him. He wishes he could ease all his pain.

Taehyun looks at him, his eyes are damp. He insults him, telling him there is nothing to fix, they are enough together, he’s sufficiently strong to endure everything if he’s with Seungyoon.

The sea rumbles.  

They could tell no one they were together. It was something that killed Seungyoon inside, because he felt as he wanted to paint all his love on the walls of the entire Seoul and as there was too much silence if he couldn’t sing of Taehyun to the world.

Still, that was not possible.

He had to play the strong one, for Taehyun. Even if it meant he was alone in that struggle.

He found that drive in Taehyun’s arms. His nose on the crook of his neck, his lips on his skin, he breathed him in and lived.

There is no reason to fight again, but they can’t help it. The tension between them is just an excuse to snap at each other, all the insecurities Taehyun has morph in harsh words, all the heaviness Seungyoon feels build a wall of silence.

Taehyun runs in the water, splashing around as he can’t calm down. The uncertainty of their future is just too much to bear, today.

Seungyoon follows him, he can’t leave him for too long – his hands find his chest and his face and he can’t help but his skin in the most affectionate way he knows.

Taehyun smiles a broken smile and pulls him into the water, dragging him down. Seungyoon is not scared, as he opens his eyes and sees a blurred version of Taehyun looking at him. He doesn’t fight as Taehyun hugs him and kisses him – they share their air until they can, lips glued to each other desperately.

When they break that contact, they rush to the surface. They laugh even if their lungs burn.

There was a time when they were ok and everything was in place. When they could call themselves friends without any second thought.

Seungyoon thinks they were probably just deceiving themselves, as there has never been anything simple between them, not really. Those lies were the way they could survive without having the other one the way they do now.

Taehyun pushes him on the sand, kissing him again. He finds shelter in his arms and Seungyoon can’t be happier of giving him such safety.

When Taehyun sets his head on his chest, he tells him that they can try to fix it – all the trouble they are. Together. Because, even with all the scars he and Seungyoon have, they can be fine together.

Seungyoon thinks that maybe, for once, he can lean on someone else, he can let go every weigh on his shoulders and just enjoy the moment, without overthinking too much. Maybe Taehyun can be his shelter too.

And they’ll be just fine.

*

So, this is all Jiani's fault/idea and then it's naturally hers. We kinda prompted for half an hour about Kangnam walking on the shore and kissing underwater and Seungyoon being Taehyun's shelter (cause she got inspired by Shelter, a song by Birdy) and I especially loved the idea. This fic is probably not the slightest similar to what she thought, but I like it anyway. There are these lyrics of the song "I still want to drown whenever you leave / Please teach me gently how to breathe" which are especially lovely and inspired Jiani. 

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