Piggy back rides. Always hugging. Buying lunch for each other and always happy when with each other, you'd think the two people were in love.

But here I lay, on my bed in my college dorm thinking about how close we are, as friends. My roommate, Jung Hoseok is in a class right now, and I should be too, but I couldn't get off my bed this morning no matter how many times he tugged at my feet, poked my cheeks and ruffle my hair. I savored those touches. I wanted to grab his hand and pull him into a kiss but I couldn't. I was paralyzed by his touch. His warm hands on my chest when he gave up waking me and finally sat down next to me on the bed, speaking slowly.

"Tae, we have a class to get to. Please wake up... I don't want to go without you."

After a few minutes of me being still, he got up slowly and left, knowing that he couldn't miss class even though he didn't want to go.

I've been laying here for hours, eyes closed thinking about events in the past, memories we have together and words that may never be said.

Not only is he my room mate, he's my best friend. We've been friends since elementary. He was the first person who's ever stood up for me, and he's the only one I've ever had feelings for.

The sad truth is, he's straight. And he likes someone. The one girl in our class who sits by the window, long black hair straight, that falls gracefully on her shoulders, shining in the light. Her blue eyes, with little sparks of a lighter blue and yellow around the pupil always focused out the window, ear buds in one ear listening to the cello.

He's never talked to her before, she's quiet and doesn't make conversation with anyone in that class besides the teacher. I always catch Hoseok glancing over at her, his cheeks go a light pink when she looks at him, causing him to look away quickly.

I think of the times when we would stay up all night talking in the dark, eating cookies and laughing instead of going to a huge party that the popular kids have almost every Friday night. But even those sweet, smooth conversations through out the night turn into him talking about his crush. I listen to him talk about how perfect she is, And deep in my heart I wish he was talking about me. He talks about how one day she'll be his, even though it hurts me I still support him.

Even though he'll never like me, if they do date at least he'll be happy, and if he's happy...I'm happy too. It may be bitter sweet, but that's okay. If I never work up the courage to tell him, then it's okay. I don't tell him about my feelings because he deserves better. I would never want him to waste his time on me, waiting for me to confess when he could be happy with a girl that he really likes.

That's why I haven't mentioned my feelings. Because I don't want to ruin our friendship. I love when we laugh and smile together, when we cry together. When I'm mad he's mad too. When I'm struggling he's always been there to help me pick up the pieces. I've fallen in love with him, with us. I've fallen in love with our friendship.

I'll do anything to protect him and I'll do anything to make him happy. Even if it meant leaving from his life forever, if he asked me to, I would.

I will never forget the memories we have though. How when I had just moved into town, his mom and him came over to help us unpack. How he would always try to get me to talk, because I was shy when I was younger. How we would walk home together because he was my neighbor and how we would always spend the night over at each other's houses. He calls my parents mom and dad, and I do that same with his. Not only had me and him become close over the years, over time his family and mine had become one.I'll never forget how when we moved into this dorm together both of our parents came together to help us haul everything into our room. But the one thing that I could never forget, is the bright smile that Hoseok always had on his face. His cheerful smile filled with hope and passion.

Every night before I go to sleep, I always think of how close we've become, but how with just those three words our world, our friendship, could come crashing down. I never want to lose him, and on those nights where I go to bed later then him, I silently cry myself to sleep, hugging the pillow to my chest wishing it was him.

It's a one sided love, But it's beautiful.

I'm willing to risk my feelings, my heart, and my sanity just to be able to stand by his side and have it not be awkward, have nothing be different between us. If that means that he'll never know how I feel to be able to keep what we have now, then I'll never tell another soul.

After about two hours of laying on my bed, the door opens, and Hoseok walks in, throwing his backpack on his bed, which bounces off onto the floor. 

"Hey.. Tae are you okay? You didn't show up in class and the teacher was upset," he says, sitting next to me on the bed and taking my hand in his, gently tugging at my fingers lovingly. " I was so worried cause I didn't know if you were just tired or if your were sick or if I should have stayed here to take care of you.." he rambles, gently sweeping my orange bangs out of my face to place the palm of his hand on my forehead, sending a warm shock through my body. My breathing increases and I pray and pray and pray in my head that he can't feel my heart beating at one thousand miles per hour.

"I'm okay.." I say quietly, my dry lips, glancing at him. He looks back at me, smile warm and for a moment it's completely silent, just the two of us in this world exists. But that stops when he decides to speak.

"Hey, it's late. I'm gonna go pick us up dinner, and then later we can watch a movie or something when I get back with the food" he says getting up, letting go of my hand and leaving, shutting the door quietly behind him. I'm sad from the loss of contact, but then again his touch isn't mine to miss.