Sarah Pov

I crumbled into a sobbing mess after Taeyang left. How could my sunshine and my protector make me feel so hurt and torned up inside? I was supposed to be happy and moving on and yet now I feel that I am fighting for nothing. I was feeling euphoric last night and now I just felt empty. I looked up at Seunghyun and just quietly told him that maybe he should leave me alone for today and I will contact him when I'm feeling better. He looked and seemed worried but I told him that I will be ok and that I just needed to sort out these feelings before we even begin anything. He reluctantly left and I took the time to finally check my letterbox. I rarely check my letterbox cause I pay all of my bills online and any fan mails that I do get is sent to the YG office.

I discovered two letters. One in a neat writing that I identified as Taeyang's and another is a familar writing that I thought I would never see again. A handwriting that I have not seen addressed to me since that last letter almost two years ago. It was Jiyong's handwriting and now I feel even more confused. If there is really a God out there, I would love to curse Him or Her for causing me this dilemma.

I opened up Taeyang's letter and prepared myself for further heartbreak. I traced my fingers over the neat handwriting and noticed tear stains on them. I slowly read the letter and had his voice in my head.

Dear Sarah,

I don't even know why I did not just snatch you away from Jiyong when you had that fever back then. You said I love you and I felt like I was on cloud nine until I realised that in your delusions, you had mistaken me as Jiyong. I do not know when I had started falling for you but all I knew was that I wanted to badly protect you and keep you safe from any hurt. Despite me trying my best, you still got really hurt by Jiyong and I can still see that hurt in your eyes whenever his name came up. In case you wondered about your sudden promotion, I was the one who convinced Sajangnim to give you a position away from us so that I could stop seeing that pain in your eyes but I was selfish to want you to keep you close with us. I convinced Minzy to convince the rest of 2NE1 to take you under their wings cause as much as I love you and want to protect you, I can't do that wholeheartedly knowing that you are still stuck in the past and still in love with Jiyong. Remember when you commented that the whole Rise album sounded like a bad heartbreak and you got a shock of me saying that I was with someone and I got my heart broken? That someone was you. You inspired the whole album, I couldn't get you out of my mind and everytime I recall how you said I love you to me, I had to remember that you were delusional when you said it and it pained me so much. Here is my ultimatum, I will take a break from you and being close to you to try to sort out how I feel about us and I hope in time you could accept my feelings for you but if you don't, I understand. I know hyung has feelings for you and if he does make you happy then go ahead but I do hope that you move on wholeheartedly and not just because you felt that it is needed. No matter what happens, you are my oxygen and I'll love you to death even if you don't love me back.

Love Taeyang.

My tears just kept flowing as I read the letter. How could I have not known about his feelings for me? How long was I blinded because of my love for Jiyong? Speaking of Jiyong, I opened his letter and slowly read it. Taking in that very familiar handwriting that still tugs at my heartstrings.

Hi Sarah,

I don't even know how to start this. My world turned black after I let you go. I know I have Kiko with me but somehow without you, the world seems dull and the brightness feels like it has been snatched from me, I know I have no right to say this. I don't even know why I'm even writing this, possibly a really bad drunken decision. Maybe I won't even drop this letter to you. All I know is that I'm selfish and I want you by my side, if only to keep that spark of brightness in my life. I know I've been avoiding you and it is because I can't bear to see my spark with someone else, even if that someone is my hyung or best friend. I know I don't deserve anymore chances and I know we can't go back to what we were but I hope that if you do move on, you will move on wholeheartedly. I know that Youngbae purposely deleted all of my songs and hid all of my cds from you as you kept crying when you hear Without You. I know that your favorite song is That XX and I still ask maknae about you sometimes but even in my drunken state, I know I do not deserve your forgiveness. All I hope is that one day, we could somehow maybe speak like normal again. In my heart somewhere, I know there's still love for you but I do not know if I could keep it burning if we ever get back together. I wish you well.

Love always, Jiyong.

Jiyong's letter made me angry, I felt like tearing it up because I was angry that he could only address me when he is drunk and not sober. How am I to know if he meant what he said and this just makes me feel like I fought for nothing back then. I my itunes and listened to "Fighting for Nothing" by Meg & Dia while I typed two emails to reply both of them. The least I could do is actually reply them even though they caused me such heartache and make me feel like I was fighting for nothing and had all of my emotions being spilled out from the bottle I was holding it in.

Fighting for Nothing

When I was younger, I wish
That I would have known better
Better love makes a fat romance
Lasts for more than a shoe shine

I'm bolder, took all the words of my mother
Saying it could be worse
Could be born with that disease
Instead of catching it first

So let's go back to the first time
That I met you in your Chevy
With your hands stretched and me
Crying, screaming, mercy, mercy

But I know that I was put here
To fight vikings in the cold war
With my arms out in the front
Singing, tear me, tear me

But these things take time, love
These things take backbone
And they'll tell you what you want to hear
'Cause they say it gets better, better

But you better know how to point out the liars
You've got to win your wars, make sure
You're not fighting for nothing, nothing
Are you fighting for nothing, nothing?

It feels like this world has been
Growing slowly upside down
Maybe I should move to China
Straighten this mess out

Maybe I'll be a poet
Watch all the sky for falling words
Write about my grandma's curtains
Or the lady who put
The Chinese buffet in her purse

I've got my mouth, it's a weapon
It's bombshell, it's a cannon
I've got my words
I won't give them mercy, mercy

But these things take time, love
These things take backbone
And they'll tell you what you want to hear
'Cause they say it gets better, better

But you better know how to point out the liars
You've got to win your wars, make sure
You're not fighting for nothing, nothing
Are you fighting for nothing, nothing?

I've got blind words, I hope they hurt you
I hope they scar you, I hope they heal you

I hope they cut you open, make you seal the warn
For all the wrong reasons, make you see
That some things were worth bruising for
Make you see that your name is your honor code
Make you see that your hands you're accounted for

They can choose where your sweat and your blood will go
Make you see your life's not to be lived alone
Run the strip through your hair
You're worth nothing, nothing

These things take time, love
These things take backbone
And they'll tell you what you want to hear
'Cause they say it gets better, better

You better know how to point out the liars
You've got to win your wars, make sure
You're not fighting for nothing, nothing

But these things take time, love
These things take backbone
And they'll tell you what you want to hear
'Cause they say it gets better, better

But you better know how to point out the liars
You've got to win your wars, make sure
You're not fighting for nothing, nothing
Are you fighting for nothing, nothing?

I finished writing out those 2 emails and I don't know if this was the right thing but I clicked sent hoping that this was the right decision.

Sayurimei, saw this coming? Another chapter dedicated to you who so sweetly keeps up with my story and comment all the time! Other readers, do comment and upvote if you like the story! It encourages me to go on!