Sarah Pov

I must admit I was a little shocked when I heard what Seunghyun said but as usual, I acted like I didn't hear it. It's not that I don't want to accept him, he is good and he has always been there for me but sadly, I'm still not over what happened. That night two years ago when I had my high fever and went into the hospital, I knew it was going to end. According to TaeYang, my fever was so high that I kept thinking he was Jiyong when in actual fact, Jiyong was in Tokyo hanging out with Kiko. I had no issues with their friendship or whatever they may call it.

But when Jiyong did not show up once I was not delirious anymore, I knew. I knew that it would end. It would just have to be me or him to pull the trigger. I spoke to Tablo hyung on this. I poured all of my feelings to him because I didn't know who else I could talk to. I talked and cried at the same time. In the end, hyung just hand me a pen and paper and said write all of my feelings down. He said it made him feel better during the Tajinyo incident. I just kept crying and writing everything down. It hurt so much to feel that everything was about to end and yet neither one of us knew how to derail the train or stop it. It felt like I was looking forward to a movie and someone gave me a spoiler to it.

It hurt that I could see the ending of our relationship so clearly and yet I couldn't or rather wouldn't end it. It was 2 weeks after he came back from Tokyo,he did not even acknowledge the fact that I was in the hospital. He just said that it was clear that we are both hurting and he is choosing to let me go before things get worse. He said that he's letting go in spite of his feelings. He really thought that it would last but it became extremely clear that it wouldn't. I just walked away as I didn't know how to react. As quickly as the relationship started, it ended as quickly as well.

TaeYang almost beat him up when he found out what Jiyong had said to me and Seunghyun just kept me close in his arms without saying a word. Seunghyun was always there, quietly waiting and yet I just couldn't or rather my heart just can't give him a chance. Jiyong got Seungri to give me a letter one day that said the way he felt about me would be explained best in a song called Without You in his new album. I googled for the English translation of the lyrics and cried when I read it.

Without You

Love is painful all the love is painful.
Repeating like a fool. That’s what I always do.
But pain is beautiful. It’s same as you.
Hope turns into disappointment. Wish turns into despair.
As love deepened, pain deepened more
Illusion or expectation that this time, it’ll be different, uh.
eventually, how many years have passed, there is no “forever”.
eventually, We’re not meant to be, become alone again.
barely, barely, barely, I thought I finally found my love.
eventually, eventually, It’s ended again like this.

My mind is not changed from the very first
but my mind is now full of wounds cuz of you
Cuz of your cold voice, I’m changing, I’m getting cold as well
It’s hard to get back, between you and me
we are drifting farther and farther apart from each other
It’s hard to go around each other
So I gave parting to you as a gift and turned my back
I’m falling without you

Eventually whose fault is it. There’s no love.
Eventually I’m saying goodbye to you. Tired, I’m falling asleep.
barely barely barely, it seems like this is an end between us.
Eventually eventually, we’re becoming strangers.

My mind is not changed from the very first
but my mind is now full of wounds cuz of you
Cuz of your cold voice, I’m changing, I’m getting cold as well.
It’s hard to get back, between you and me
we are drifting farther and farther apart from each other
It’s hard to go around each other
So I gave parting to you as a gift and turned my back
I’m falling without you

Let’s go
I didn’t know at first. I liked the empty place which was hers.
After several days, at last I thanked her.
I didn’t know about myself
didn’t know about the confidence that I could live without you.
tomorrow which is different from today
1 year, 2 years. regret is getting deeper as much as the pain.
I pray everything will be changed as time goes
for you my baby.

My mind is not changed from the very first
but my mind is now full of wounds cuz of you
Cuz of your cold voice, I’m changing, I’m getting cold as well
It’s hard to get back, between you and me
we are drifting farther and farther apart from each other
It’s hard to go around each other
So I gave parting to you as a gift and turned my back

I’m falling without you

He always had a knack of putting feelings into words. It has been two years since the song came out but yet I can't help but still cry whenever I hear it. It came to a point whereby TaeYang hid the CD from me and deleted the album from all of my devices. I knew Tablo found inspiration from me and Jiyong's relationship for Kill This Love. I never thought those scribbles of feelings I had would inspire him to write Spoiler. When I first heard the song, I wanted to cry and when I read further into the lyrics, I realised it was about me and Jiyong. I asked Tablo about it and he said he wrote this around the time that he wrote Kill This Love but he had a really hard time thinking if he should release it as he knew I was still hurting. But he thought it would be better for me to see that I actually knew the relationship was ending at that point in time and I should learn to let it go.

Spoiler

Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler
In your every action, I see our end
I tell myself it’s not true but I feel the spoiler
Should I watch till the end? Or should I leave now?
What if there’s a twist?

What are you thinking? Only after I ask twice, you look at me
Once again, you give me an answer that’s not really an answer
Maybe it’s gonna rain tomorrow
You look out the window again
These days, I see a lot of your side profile
You let out a sigh and I freeze up in the overflowing silence
Thinking bad things that I shouldn’t be thinking
I know
My intuitions are dangerous
If I take one step, I’m the guy who’ll fall in deep
My sensitiveness is really bad
I know why
Your mysterious sighs keep increasing
Your fleeting heart is leaving with each sigh

For some reason
Life got busier than before
Days when we contact each other less, conversations we forcefully have
Words that are written and erased
These are all a foreshadowing
Maybe it’s coincidence but every time I look at the clock, the hands turn against me
It’s like they’re showing me the future
It’s all a cliché
These scenes are so typical, as if I’ve seen them hundreds of times
But why do I feel so anxious?
All the promises we made in the beginning, did we forget because we’re busy?
Or are we already
Too busy forgetting?

Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler
In your every action, I see our end
I tell myself it’s not true but I feel the spoiler
Should I watch till the end? Or should I leave now?
What if there’s a twist?
I can’t let you go.

I can hear it loudly, even words that aren’t said
I tried to pretend otherwise but I already know
This damn feeling that suffocates my breath more and more
Maybe I trapped you inside my useless fantasy
Maybe you tried out a role for me that didn’t really fit
Even when I told you I loved you out of habit, I was always thinking about something else
The lines and facial expressions didn’t match, the subtitles are off

I wanted a movie-like love but is this my punishment?
I ask about your heart but your answer is always open-ended
Yeah, we were always having twists on top of twists
A repetition of suffocating scenes
Worse than the hot hell is this cooled down emotional purgatory
I see the end
I can’t turn off the projector of imagination
When I black out, that’s when I can at least breathe
Just cut me out or kill me out
I don’t care about a happy ending
Don’t let me fade
out

Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler
In your every action, I see our end
I tell myself it’s not true but I feel the spoiler
Should I watch till the end? Or should I leave now?
What if there’s a twist?
I can’t let you go.

Maybe you and I were playing a crazy game of charades
With the ending already decided from the first frame
Maybe you and I were already headed toward the end from the first scene
This is our last parade.

Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler
In your every action, I see our end
I tell myself it’s not true but I feel the spoiler
Should I watch till the end? Or should I leave now?
What if there’s a twist?
I can’t let you go.

I see the end but baby don’t let go
In case I lose even one scene, girl I can’t let go

I can’t let you go

I see the end but baby don’t let go
In case I lose even one scene, girl I can’t let go

The end?

Maybe I should finally let it go, after all...the relationship started off insignificantly. He just simply charmed me with his manners and spending time with me. Despite TaeYang's warnings and Seunghyun's confessions, I went ahead because I was so silly to think that I could finally have the fairy tale ending. It was obviously not meant to be and I had to swallow up the spoiler of my fairy tale ending. Our relationship might not have seemed significant to outsiders since it was such a short period of time but I can safely say it was one that hurt the most and I couldn't let it go despite seeing the ending coming.

"Sarah, we have reached the park near your house. Do you still want to go?" Seunghyun said breaking my thoughts again. I just nodded and kissed his cheek. I don't know why I did that but I felt maybe its finally time to let go and forget the spoiler of my story.

How do you think Senghyun will react to the kiss? Comment!