A/N : these thoughts take place the morning she wakes up before going out with EunHae!

Yejun was alone a lot and often thought of many things and allowed herself to get lost in her thoughts. In a way this was very worrisome to Lindy because of the suicidal incident but at the same time Yejun needed to reflect on herself and her actions.

Right after Yejun was discharged from the hospital both Lindy and SM Entertainment released an official statement to the press regarding the scandal with Seunghyun.

“Regarding the scandal between Yejun and Seunghyun, it was all just a misunderstanding. Donghae and Yejun are still together in a healthy relationship. Yejun is still having some troubles remembering some things. Those nights with Seunghyun, Yejun was with a group of friends who were friends with Seunghyun and the two got to know each other but only as friends. Yejun and Donghae were both surprised by the news coming out but we ask that you disregard it and support the couple in their healthy and growing relationship.”

SM Ent.

Yejun wasn’t surprised that SM made up a story about her and Seunghyun but it had to be done to protect Donghae and his reputation.  Yejun always thought about what happened with Seunghyun and if it really was worth it. Fighting with Lindy, hurting Donghae, getting all the hate. The more Yejun thought about it she realized it wasn’t worth it. And she admits to having felt something for Seunghyun but it was nothing compared to Donghae. The way Donghae made her feel was special. This being her not even letting him fully express himself in front of her. If he did then Yejun would feel even more loved.

Donghae, I should love you. You deserve to know how I feel and why I feel this way. But feelings scare me. Smiling scares me. Being happy scares me. Because what if one day you’re gone. What will I do then? What if I’m not good enough? Do I really deserve happiness? I know I don’t deserve you but no matter how much I try to push you away you keep coming back. You say you love me. I believe you, as much as I don’t want to, I do. As much as it scares me to feel something, I believe you Donghae. I’m sorry for being cold. I’m sorry for acting like I don’t care about you when I do. If I ever want to leave you just don’t let go. No matter how much I push you away, stay by my side. If you aren’t by my side then I feel empty, cold, scared, lonely.

Yejun always wanted to get back on good grounds with Donghae but she just didn’t know how to. She just wanted to tell Donghae she was sorry but she also wanted space. But space for what? She’s pushed Donghae away so much.

What about her parents? Her parents who scarred her so much. Just how cruel could a parent be towards their child? Even if Yejun were to go into the medical field her parents still would have ignored her. It wouldn’t change the fact that her mother resented her her whole life or that her father was always too busy for her. It will never change Minho leaving to get himself a better life. Which left Yejun behind to suffer alone.

That’s how it always was. She was left alone to suffer alone. She was so use to being ignored and hated on that she just accepted it. But why does she hate herself so much? Why can’t she love herself or want to believe someone loves her? Why did she believe Seunghyun?

Oppa, I know that whatever happened between us won’t happen again. I’m sorry if I hurt you but I ended up hurting someone more important. What happened between us was a mistake and an only time thing. I’m glad it’s done and over with. I’m glad I’ve learnt and suffered from this mistake. How do I feel about it? Relieved that I can say I like Donghae and only Donghae. But I’m sorry to him for causing this pain which he feels. I want him to know I’m sorry and I won’t do it again. Mom and dad were right. Ever since I was little I didn’t appreciate what I had and would just rebel to try to get something else out of it.

Ever since Yejun woke up Donghae has been by her side. Through everything he’s been there. But Yejun is afraid to let him in. Because her whole life she’s been alone. She’s been hurt by the people she loves and are supposed to love her. She’s been hurt by everyone in one way or another. She’s afraid to let herself go for a bit. To go and have fun. To be able to feel something. Because the moment she feels something it allows the possibility of being hurt again. Being hurt again by an unbearable pain. Yes, Yejun is confused with her feelings. She doesn’t know what she wants from life. She’s even considering going back to school because of her parents. But then she starts thinking again about the other things. How all she’s ever wanted was to be loved. She wanted to be loved by her parents, by her brother, by Lindy but the person she wanted to be loved by most was Donghae. Without his love, without his presence, without him Yejun feels nothing.

Yejun is grateful that Donghae has helped her to feel something. Although she might come off as cold at times she really isn’t. She’s just scared and afraid of what life has for her. Afraid of having to be in the hospital again, afraid of really ending her life. She doesn’t blame anyone for the car crash. She doesn’t blame anyone for her memory not being restored. But she’s grateful to those who stuck by her side the whole time. The two people who helped her recover better than any other doctor could. Yejun might seem somewhat insecure or childish at times but in reality she’s just recovering. She’s recovering physically and emotionally.

Before the car crash Yejun was a very happy person. When she met Donghae he helped to heal her emotional scars. But after the car crash Yejun was scared knowing with her past that someone was there for her. That someone cared so much for her. For some reason after the car crash some of her childhood memories had seem more clear than before. It was usually the bad memories she had with her family. And because of this she became more hostile towards everyone. She became more afraid of what life was trying to give her. And knowing that her parents didn’t care so much to even go to see while she was in the hospital only justified her memories.

Yejun was a hurt girl. A girl who has been through hell with her parents. A girl who grew up in hell thus only knowing hell. That is until her heaven came. But this heaven came because of someone. It came because of Donghae. He tries and tries to pull her out of the dark. Yejun refuses but he’ll still try, afraid to give up on the one he loves. Yejun is very far into her hell now though. Even further than before. The feelings Donghae give her are unfamiliar, they’re foreign which makes her scared. But at the same time she likes the feelings. She loves the emotions but just doesn’t know how to act on them. To prevent herself from looking foolish, weak or stupid she’ll ignore them and put them away. Because her whole life growing up she had to put emotions away in order to deal with the pain she had.

This is how Yejun’s mind worked. It was complicated, dark and scary. She didn’t allow people in. She didn’t allow herself out. She didn’t want people to know about her world because no one, absolutely no one, deserves to go through what she did. To be ignored the way she was. To be unloved the way she was. To be treated the way she was. In her mind, she’s protecting Donghae from seeing something which she is afraid of. Her life.

Hello everyone!!!

This is a small chapter, I'M SORRY!!

But i just wanted to let people know or understand a bit better how Yejun's mind works! I know it sounds complicated but hey, the girl has been through a lot. This chapter is also very depressing T.T but please comment if there are any questions!!!

Thank you to my readers, commenters and subscrbers!!!

Until my next update, byeeeee!!!