Seoul, March 12th, 1981.

I don’t know what to do, I’m upset with my life. I’m upset  with my life. I don’t even have one that I can trust. I don’t have any friends to share. My family, they always fight with each other. My brother, he is the only hope of this family.But he died because of drug overdose. And now my parents put all their hopes on me, especially my father. I grew up became a person who doesn’t know socializing. I’m awkward and clumsy. I may look so fierce, I don’t care with anybody. But to be honest, I'm now in the darkness, loneliness, and I need someone .......

“stop to forcing, myungsoo. You know that kid never likes to be forced! Let him choose his own way.”  Mom shouted, was defending on me. “Never! That kid should know, how hard is this life.” Now it’s dad’s turn.Irolled my eyes and exhaled a long breath. I showedmypoker face and passedin front ofthem without looking at all.“Myungsoo, where are you going?” asked dad, I turned my body, “is it important to you? All you have done was just forced me to become like what you wanted without thinking about my feelings, right?” I went out from the house and going to my peacefull place, my one and only studio. It was built by my brother, Minsoo. He was a singer, he loves to sing just like me. But I got my interest on guitar more. I sit down on the couch, grabbed my guitar.

 This studio is really small, I want to make it bigger but I know I don’t have anything. I won’t ask anything to my parents until they could support me as an artist not a pilot or doctor or whatever it called. I used to called it as a crap. When I was playing my favorite song, I felt really hopeless. There are a couch, cupboard, knife, soundsystem, and my guitar. A knife to repair the soundsystem, even to repair my life to be a better one at there. The place which needs a courage to reach it. Probably I can see my brother at there. I slowly grabbed that knife, look at how sharp it is. Then suddenly my brothers appeared beside me, touched my hands. “Don’t do this, myungsoo. Stop hurting yourself.” He said, I looked toward him. He was smiling at me. “why?” I started to tearing up. “Don’t be like me, don’t end your life. You got so many things you can do in your life..” “Ya. You are the one who made me live in this pitiful life. If only you didn’t use the drugs, you wouldn’t be die! And dad wouldn’t force me to be a doctor, pilot, or the other craps. And now? What else I can do for you, hyung? I just want to live like you, dad loves you so much. He maybe thinks that I was you! But I’m not, I’m different!!!!” I shouted at him, he just smiled like usual. What is smile, why is everyone always do it like it could solve problem. “Myungsoo-ah, don’t think like that. Dad loves you too, he wants the best for you.” “lie! It’s a lie. Even dad often called me as ‘minsoo’, if I glared at him then he apologise to me. And hyung, how could you life like this? You are a dead person, but it seems you are really happy. And I’m sure that now I’m talking to my imagination,” I looked at the knife, “don’t worry, hyung. I won’t bother mom and dad because now I’m going with you..” I slowly began to sliced my artery with a knife and the blood is dripping everywhere. While Minsoo hyung is gone and I started to feel the pain. Suddenly all went black and dark until I couldn’t see anything.

I feel like going to somewhere. It’s really cold and dark in here. I even can not see my self. But I keep walking alone. I spotted something bright at there, such a lightning bugs. And I started to following it. then I saw someone with black robe infront of me. I was about to turning back, but it feels like I couldn’t do that. “Don’t you remember me?” asked him. “who are you, dude?” I asked him back, why I could be in this place. “Why did you do it again?” “did what!?!?” “Killed yourself..commited suicide.” Said him. I glared at him. “who are you, stop to judging me.” Now he’s laughing, “Kim Myungsoo, if you dare to do it again. You will see this......” he showed me something with big fire and blood everywhere and me was inside it. It’s really scary until I screamed out loud “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”