“Why do you hate me so much? Did you have to ruin my life? I hate you, I hate you—but I hate myself even more for never standing up to him.”

“You know, Joon Myun-ah.”

When he called my name, I froze in my place and my heart thumped faster than usual, how did he know I was behind him? However, he then pointed at the empty glass and continued speaking, “You, pabo! Why did you have to be so brave and stand up to Father? You know… I envy you. You were brave and I wasn’t, I couldn’t fight for myself and for the person I had loved so dearly. And now… she’s dead! I saw her die in front of my own eyes, you know how scary that is? Huh?!” He threw the glass violently to the floor and it shattered. I flinched a little as I stepped back as quietly as possible to the back of the counter table. My eyes widened as I saw Daejoon collapse on the table, resting his head on his arm and I heard loud sobbing. I didn’t really know what to do at this point in time, he was too agitated and he was possibly angry at me.

Could I go and sit next to him and comfort him?

How? What would I tell him to make him feel better?

I observed him for a while longer, whilst contemplating what to do, when all of a sudden, he spoke again, “Stop crying… I can’t, I shouldn’t, I mustn’t. Someone might see me like this and I can’t— ” He then collapsed to the floor and tucked his knees together tightly, burying his head in between his knees, silently weeping. Then, I decided that I couldn’t just watch him suffer in this pain alone without doing anything. I’m not the coward that I used to be.

“Hyung…” I softly said as I slowly walked forward with my slight trembling hands reaching out to him.

He quickly snapped his head upwards and his red bloodshot eyes widened. His lips quivered, as if wanting to say something, but he didn’t. Instead, he looked away and rested his head in between his knees. Seeing this, I sat on the floor and faced him, poking his shoulder lightly and I whispered to him, “Hyung, you can tell me everything and I will listen to your problems.” This got him to look at me and he replied, “You know I can’t tell you, it isn’t like when we were younger. When we could just speak our minds to each other, we’ve grown up. Stop it. Just let me handle this myself. Go upstairs and go to sleep, act like this never happened and I will do the same.” I sighed and shook my head. My eyebrows furrowed as I frowned a little at his rejection and I replied, “It’s okay, hyung. It doesn’t matter if we’ve grown up or not, you can still rely on me to be your listening ear. Remember what you used to say? That we only had each other. Besides, I can’t allow myself to act like this never happened and not doing anything about it. I’ve changed.”

He said, “Joon Myun, that was before everything had changed. I… I became so distant and mean and cold to you, why are you still willing to listen to me and my problems, especially the fact that most of them are about you?” I chuckled softly and moved to sit next to him, resting my head against the table leg and said, “Because… you’re still my brother and I’ve never forgotten what we’ve been through together and what you’ve said to me. Honestly, you’ve gone through so much more pain and sadness than I have. You always had to be stronger to protect me and comfort me when we were younger. You were like my guardian angel. Now when I look back, there has never been a time when you had frowned or cried in front of me when you were punished, you were always smiling at me and comforting me. You might have acted a little mean when everyone was looking but when we both got the Punishment at night, we’d always patch ourselves up in the bathroom and talk to each other underneath the kitchen table until daylight. Don’t you remember?” He smiled a little and nodded, he said, “Yeah of course. I would never forget them… And I missed it so much when you weren’t here. There was no one to talk to or hear me out, I was all alone to face my problems and it having to bottle up all my feelings and act like everything was alright all the time. I hate it so much…”

He relaxed his shoulders and let his long legs lie on the cold marble of the kitchen floor. He then sighed and tilted his head down to look at the floor. I smiled encouragingly at him and said, “Well, I’m here for you now, so you can tell me if you want to. I know on the inside, you’re really not that bad of a person. I can bet that you still have that small piece of humanity in you. From what I’ve learnt tonight, even the most villainous and cold humans have a piece of humanity and heart in them if you dig deep enough.” He raised his eyebrows and chuckles softly, he said, “You mean, Father?” I chuckled as well and nodded in response.

He then said, “See? You got me to smile and laugh already... How do you do that, Joon Myun?” I smiled and replied, “It might have spread from Ting Yi, she’s such a Happy Virus. She’s the reason I became so brave, she made me realize that what Father was doing to me- and you, was wrong. It’s not too late to break away from his reins now, hyung. We can do this together, I want to protect you too and earn the freedom for you too, because I know you deserve it.” He bit back his tears from falling again and replied, “B-but... Joon Myun, I have no direction. I don’t know what I want to do, I have no personal goals, or something I’m passionate about. If I let go of his reins, I’ll just be like a lost sheep.” He bowed his head and sighed again, I pulled him in for a hug and patted his back and said to him, “Hyung... I will help you find what you love, maybe you could come to Singapore with me and get a job there, you will find that doing something that isn’t forced upon you is so much more enjoyable.” I could feel him nodding his head and I rubbed small circles on his back, muttering soft assurances as comfort.

Everyone in my family needed love and I was lucky enough to have received it, so I will spread it to my family. As they, deep in their souls, are secretly in need for genuine love when they lose their sanity internally. You can’t see it, you can only feel it, but it’s up to you whether you’re gonna do anything about it. I want to be there for them, be their listening ear to listen to why and how they became the way they are now, give them support by being there for them and tell them words of encouragement and all things beautiful, pure and good. Just like how Ting Yi is here for me, I have realized that I need to be there for my family too.

The next morning, I woke up on the kitchen floor and groaned from the lack of a comfortable bed on my back. I sat up and rubbed my nape, noticing that Daejoon hyung was still asleep next to me with his head resting on his head. I chuckled softly and poked his forehead, telling him to wake up. His eyes opened abruptly and sat up immediately. I could hear him swear under his breath and turned to me to ask, “What’s the time now?” I paused for a second and realized I didn’t know and looked around the kitchen for a clock when I remembered that I was an adult and had a phone to check the time now. Taking my phone from the kitchen table, I looked at it and replied, “It’s around 5 AM, hyung.” He sighed in relief and said, “Okay. Thanks for everything last night, I won’t ever forget what you’ve said and done for me. From now onwards, I will be brave and fight for my freedom with you. Now, I need to go up stairs and get ready for the day. You should head on upstairs too, I’m sure you’ll need a nice and hot shower.” He smiled softly at me and ruffled my hair playfully. He then stood up, turned around and left to go upstairs. I felt a little tired, so I think a hot shower would do for now and maybe I could get some sleep later after breakfast.

// Mr Kim’s POV- Flashback Scene// Here lies Miss Tessa Coleman, who had passed away on the 13^th September 1984.

It has been exactly 30 years since her death and I have never once forgotten her and what we had together. I thought maybe, after 10 years, I would forget about her, that my heart won’t feel like it’s tearing apart and maybe I will stop missing her and her everything. On this day especially, memories flooded of her and I when we were young and crazily in love with one another. In the memories, I saw myself with her, but I was such a different person then. She made me feel like anything was possible and I was always smiling with a burning passion for her, but all that changed. The cold harsh reality swooped in after we graduated and it took her away from me forever, taking my heart with her.

I stood at her grave, wondering how life would’ve been if I had fought for her, if I hadn’t let her die, if I could escape the reality we were in together. My life now would’ve been very different, I knew she couldn’t guarantee me a luxurious and glamorous lifestyle, only happiness, love and support, but that was something I had never received when she was gone. I’ll admit it, I miss being loved and loving someone back, but I could never bring myself to do that. So I kept making the same excuses over and over again that I shouldn’t love anyone, when in the matter of fact, I couldn’t love anybody anymore.

It’s been so long... I still never really got over her and as my anxiety and slight depression mental illnesses kicked in occasionally, she would appear in my dreams or as a ghost-like figure when I was alone in my office. She never haunted me, she just watched me and there has never been a day when I could not feel her existence watching over me and possibly judging what I was doing, shaking her head in disappointment. And I was aware that I had made the same mistake as my father, that very mistake she did not want me to ever make, but I did anyways and I had never thought to correct that mistake, wondering how could I ever be brave enough to turn back from everything that I have done and return to the right track.

I bent down to place a bouquet of flowers on her grave bed and squatted down, looking at her picture that was displayed on the grave stone. As old and as weary as it was, I was still able to make out her facial features and completed a perfect picture of her in my mind, but was then interrupted by the haunting memory of her tragic death. I shuddered as if cold icebergs had shivered down my spine and there she was, in all her beauty, behind me. I blinked a few times, to ensure that she was actually there and then hoping that she would vanish again like she always does, but she doesn’t. I hid my fear behind my stoic expression, mentally trying to calm myself down before I could possibly have an anxiety mental breakdown at her grave and potentially end up there as well.

I stood up and walked slowly towards her as my right hand reached out to her -- my hand went through. I sighed in relief for I was not in one of my more horrifying and lucid hallucinations than this current reality. I stopped to look at her and she was at peace, smiling at me with a small yet genuine and gentle smile. I was freaking out on the inside as my hands unconsciously trembled and I had lost my usual rigid posture as I hunched my back slightly and my lip quivered, mouth opening but closing again as I couldn’t speak coherently and my tongue was tied even with her simple eye contact with me. It scares me so much when I realize how much I truly miss her, only to see her ghostly figure in front of my very eyes as if it was an illusion, or some cruel trick. I looked at her as if waiting for her to do something, or say something, the silence was almost killing me. No matter how foolish I may have been, I decided to speak first and said, “Why do you appear in front of me? Do you... want anything from me?” She nodded her head and replied, “I do want something from you, Jaejoon. I know how you’ve been like for this past 30 years and I just felt like I’ve died in vain, so you know... I couldn’t move on. I’m stuck here on earth as this dead ghost matter. Look, Jaejoon... I wanna reincarnate and I want you to remember how we wished so much that your parents would approve of us, why the heck are you doing the same things to your sons?! You’re kind of acting like a hypocrite here and I can’t stand for it, not after us. Don’t you see what you’re doing? It breaks my heart to see you and your family like this. How on earth do you live without a heart?”

“I—

I couldn’t give her any reply, or rebuttal to her statement, because it was true. I had fallen for the same trap that I had promised myself not to get into... I looked down at the ground, refusing to meet her gaze. As I fell into the depths of my soul, it seemed like all the oil, rubbish and fallen leaves had been cleared by her words of truth and I could finally see the clarity of the lake beneath that hid my human soul where compassion dwelled and stirred. Then, when I had looked up again, she was gone, but her voice echoed in the landscape of the graveyard exclusively for my ears.

“Now, Jaejoon ah... You know what you have to do and please, don’t let me down.”

I looked around 360 degrees for even her shadow, but the graveyard was empty once more and I knew what I had to do.

Thank you Tessa.

// Flashback Ends – Mr Kim’s POV// I’m doing it, Tessa... I’m putting things right. I feel happier, to see my son’s smile and to know that he’ll be happy too, I feel lighter, to have let it all out and be in the comfort of another’s words, I feel loved, to receive and to give love as well to my son. It’s hard to take away my strong front that has been built up for 30 years now, but I’m trying really hard Tessa... I really am. I hope you can see that too...

Since it was a Tuesday, it was the only day Youngja stayed at home for the whole day and it was my chance to talk to her. I haven’t actually had a private talk with her in a long time for personal matters and I could tell from her puzzled expression that it was definitely odd for her and for me as well. I cleared my throat, hoping to break the silence and said, “I need to talk to you about something, so let’s not be so uptight with one another for once, if you can. Because I will appreciate your honest opinion and comments about what I am about to say.” She raised an eyebrow, genuinely curious about what was going to happen. She said, “So... shall we drop the formalities too? And talk like a- like friends?” I chuckled and said, “Sure, if you’re comfortable with dropping the formalities, I will do so too. This is a matter which should be taken on a personal level, so loosen up... Alright?” She chuckles with a hint of sarcasm as her smile curled up in a subtle cynical manner but I knew past her strange mannerism and outlook, she was really just a soft lamb, which allowed me to bring up a thing of the past.

“I’ll be a little nostalgic here, so I hope you won’t mind Youngja. Do you remember the first time we accidentally met before our arranged wedding?” She smiles fondly at the past memory and nods curtly, waiting quietly for me to continue and so I did, “I suppose it was fate, but I will always remember it and secretly hold dear to that memory. It was nice, for the both of us, I think, to see the raw and rare sides of each of us. The quirky and witty side of yours—

“And not to mention your shy and cute self when you had bumped into me at the library.” She interrupted and added in her comment, causing me to cringe. I would’ve blushed like I know I would have done 30 years ago, but I’m an old man and I no longer had the ability to blush at silly and frivolous details with my age. She continued, “Too bad you lost that, I actually liked that side of yours... But then again- we’re too old for all of that. We promised to be at the least, friends when this marriage had started and we were doing okay at the start of it. But you just lost control of your priorities as a family man when you started working full-time at your father’s company. You stopped trying to care for me and it- I was disappointed. I really was and I was quite sad to be left alone again, with nothing but money.” She looked down and I sighed and replied, “I’m sorry, but there’s no rewind button. I want to do something insane, something that I think you would love to. It’s risky, but aren’t you tired of all this money sitting around in our bank accounts?” She looked up at me and stared at me as if I had suddenly gone crazy and started laughing.

After she had stopped laughing, she composed herself once more and said cooly, “Jaejoon, I love our bank accounts at the moment, I love our lifestyle and I wouldn’t like to lose it, thank you very much. Look, I think I know what Joon Myun has been up to and what he’s saying to you, but this is our life. Fate has decided and we can’t—

“No, we can change it. It’s just that we didn’t have enough strength and ability to change it back then maybe, but we can change it. We always had another choice, I think we just took the way that everyone went, so we never really did see the other way.” I interrupted and said, with a soft smile on my face, hoping she could believe in what she had used to believe in before.

But nothing was ever this easy.

She simply scoffed at the idea and spitefully remarked, “Look- I don’t know what you’re talking about, there has only been one way in life, not two. I... strongly believe in fate and I don’t want to loss whatever that we have now for a road of the unknown or whatever you’ve planned, it’s too much!” She stood up and was about to leave when I added, “Oh really? Since when did you ever believe in fate? I’m pretty sure it was just your parents, because if I remember correctly, you told me yourself that you never believed in that bull called fate. Are you taking back what you said before? Don’t think I can’t read you like an open book, because I know you more than you think, Youngja.” She paused in her footsteps and turned back around, looking as if ‘ashamed’ was written all over her face. I smirked to myself, knowing I had caught her in her own trap but immediately took it back as I saw a small gleam of teardrops running down her frail cheeks. She exclaimed, “FINE! You got me, Jaejoon... I hate having to deal with fate, hate this stupid term called fate because to me, it never existed! But fear does worse things to me, the fear of the unknown is the worst demon of them all. I don’t want to go down that road...”

I stood up, grabbing a tissue box, which had just been placed in my office for the first time, and wiping away her tears with slight awkward and hesitant movements. She sniffled a bit and muttered a ‘thank you’ to me and I replied, “You’re welcome. But wouldn’t you like to face that fear? I don’t know about you, but I suddenly feel adventurous. Like colours are re-appearing in my life again, like everything isn’t all black and white and gray anymore.” She sighed and didn’t seem to have bought it, so I tried something else. I put down the tissue paper and looked at her and said, “I’m scared too, but I’ve been far more than tolerant with this life that has been forced on me. And I’m sure you have been too.” Somehow, I finally saw a small sparkle in her eyes that answered a ‘yes’.

Author's Note: To all who are reading this, thank you so much for reading this and not giving up on this story and patiently waiting... I hope this was a good chapter, comment below what you all think! Thanks for 2K views for this story too!! <3 and just a quick announcement, there will be (est.) 4 more chapters left till the end of the story, so it won't be too long and I reallyyyy hope that I can finish this by May 22nd, because not only is it Joon Myun's birthday, but also this story's one year anniversary... Hehe so yeah~ some questions below for you to think about!
 

Q1. What do you think about Daejoon, Jaejoon and Youngja now? Did this chapter give you a more in-depth understanding of these characters, especially Jaejoon and Daejoon? 

Q2. Would you prefer more JoonTing romance or family development? (I personally prefer the latter but I want to see what you all think.)

Q3. Love has actually played a very important part in character development and about the way they think, what do you think about this idea of love in BTS KJM?

And that is all the questions for this chapter, feel free to answer them by commenting below and I'll respond to you ASAP, or just comment whatever you want. :) Thanks for reading and until the next chapter update, have a nice day ahead and goodbye!! ^^