I graduated high school and I was happy, I thought that I could finally have the freedom to do what I wanted, I thought I didn’t have to follow my parents’ wishes and I could be a ‘rebel’, as my best friends would say. But what I really wanted after 18 years of being trapped in a cage like a bird, was to earn the acceptance of my parents. I had long given up the wish of my parents ever loving me, so all I wanted was their acceptance, I wanted them to know that I can be independent and that I can prove myself to the world and show the world my true self. 

I wanted to become a performer, whether it was singing, dancing or acting, I wanted to be up on stage, immersed in the arts. I went for drama and acting classes in high school as an extra activity, thinking it would impress my father and plus, it would come into handy when pretending to act classy at those business parties. However, I slowly found a new purpose to drama classes. I had found a new passion for acting and being on stage. I was also influenced by my friends in high school, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo.

They were not like my father's business' friends, they were real and they made me happy and cheerful. They loved to sing and they would often get me to sing along with them. Everyone said that we three sang well and we could form a band. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo were from middle-class families so I never dared tell my father about them, neither would I invite them over. By the end of high school, before graduation, we had a little fight. Baekhyun was starting to get annoyed at me because I refused to tell my parents about them and we had to act so secretive. I still remember our fight, so clearly in my mind.

“Joon Myun, why are you so secretive about our friendship? It’s not even illegal to have friends. Is it because you look down on us because you’re from a rich family? What the hell, Joon Myun! Are you my friend or not?!” Baekhyun asked me, he looked so hurt and disappointed in me, how could I tell him my state? He’ll only get angrier at me, so I kept quiet. Then, Kyungsoo put his hand on my shoulder and he looked at me with his round, white-rich eyes, he said, “Well, are you our friend, Joon Myun?” I replied, “Of course I am, it’s just that –

“It’s just that what? If you’re really our friend, you wouldn’t be so scared to introduce us to your parents. You rarely show up to our singing meet-ups anymore too, what happened to you, Joon Myun? You’re just another rich and stuck-up brat that’s too good for us, apparently.” Baekhyun exclaimed and I felt like my heart had just been stabbed, how could Baekhyun say that? I felt my tears in my eyes and I tried to fight them off, in anger, I said, “You just don’t understand, you’re not me Baekhyun! No one can EVER understand how I feel, why can’t you just tolerate me and accept me? You’re my best friend, Baekkie…” I bit my lip and stared at him, I wanted him to take back what he said but he raised his eyebrow and replied, “Don’t ever call me Baekkie, you’re not my friend anymore, Kim Joon Myun. Come on, Kyungsoo, let’s leave rich boy here alone. He clearly doesn’t need us anymore.” He turned away and Kyungsoo looked at me again, his eyes stared into my soul, as if pleading me to do something, the right thing.

But I did nothing, nothing to stop them from leaving.

After that day, it was a week from the SM Entertainment auditions, I kept staring at the date, remembering last year, Baekhyun held the black marker and circled the date for each calendar, giving it to us with his rectangular smile. Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and I had a pact that we would audition to SM Entertainment together and get into SM and fulfill our dreams to become singers. We would meet up every Friday to sing at Kyungsoo’s house, but my father found out and punishment was severe, he also banned me from ever going to Kyungsoo’s house again.

I didn’t dare tell them about my father's punishment, especially Baekhyun, I knew him too well and he’d probably get angry and try and handle this himself in the most reckless way possible. I didn't want them to worry about me and be a possible burden to them. They couldn’t do anything about it anyways. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun were nevertheless, my best friends.

I could act 'normal' around them when we are alone, I could tell them my dreams without being judged and criticized. I could act genuine around them, without having a fear or care in the world. But then again, we were from different family backgrounds and different situations and different upbringings, they would never understand my situation, my dilemmas and my feelings. Which is what caused most of our fights and eventually, the end of our friendship. Maybe it was true, the upper class can never get along with the lower class, and we were just too different.

Anyways, my phone vibrated and Kyungsoo had just texted me.

From Kyungie:

Hey, Joon Myun. I’m giving you this last chance, be there at SM building for the audition and we can still be friends. Baekhyun’s still angry but I’m sure I can calm him down. Look, I don’t know what’s up with you and your family situation, but… I can try and make an effort to understand, if you’re willing to save this friendship. Your call, Kim Joon Myun. Be there or KKABESONG.

I chuckled, seeing Kyungsoo use our trend word that Baekhyun created, it was special to me and it showed that he still regarded me as a friend. And I was so glad he could forgive me and try and understand me. I HAD TO go for the SM audition, for once in my life, after my graduation, could I be a ‘rebel’? I was excited, yet I was so scared.

For the past few days, I tried to plan my escape plan to go to the SM audition and practice my singing while my parents were at work. I wrote down the possible ways and lies I could tell my parents and my housekeeper to go for SM auditions, it was sad to see me lie to my own family but this was the only way I could go to the SM auditions. My family would never accept me as a singer and they would never let me go for the SM audition. We all knew the consequences only too well, a caning from the cold and heinous man himself. It wasn’t just an ordinary caning, but I shall not go into the gory details for now. I have better things to think about right now and my father’s cane is definitely not on the list.

My family is unlike Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s families, and I was so jealous of them. My family was rich with money flooding our bank accounts but we were never rich in love and warmth. The house was usually cold and empty as I grew up, my parents never bothered holding me in their arms and left those ‘chores’ to my housekeeper. She was like a motherly figure to me, until she was fired for defying my father and I never saw her again. When I was 5, my father hired a tutor to teach me everything that was required. It was more than a normal education in kindergarten, there were etiquette lessons and other lessons that were classified under ‘upper class status’.

Oh yes, and how could I ever forget my lovely brother. He was so nice to me and he was my only pillar of support. He WAS, until my father sent him to business school and everything changed between us. He changed, because my father brainwashed him, tortured him till he gave into all of his demands. It was terrible and not something anyone should see. I pity my brother, but I hate him so much now.

He once said to me, “If you hate me so much, you should take it back, because you’re gonna be just like me when you grow up. Let’s face it, you’re not any different, Joon Myun. You’ll hate yourself too.” Then, he smirked at me before walking away. I remember I said that I would never be like him, but that’s what everyone says, huh? It probably will happen to me eventually, because in the Kim household, I was brought up to obey my parents, listen to them and follow them.

My father is merciless and will get what he wants, he was overly ambitious, and he always wanted more until it was perfection. Our company is top 15% in Korea, which is already really good but my father strives to be 1st, top 1%. However, what I find laughable at some times is that he bows down so easily to those who are richer, meaning those in the top 14% companies. The tutor taught me to bow down to them but my father taught me as well to overtake them in any way possible. I was long used to throwing away my pride just to please them but I had to learn it the hard way and again, this story shall be saved for another day.

The next day, it was finally the day for the SM auditions. I was so excited and I went out right after my parents’ car had left. The housekeeper didn’t even care! There was not even a need for a lie! I quickly texted Kyungsoo and Baekhyun that I was on the way when suddenly, I was stopped by a burly man. I didn’t recognize him and he blocked my way. I was slightly annoyed and I wanted to walk away when another man in a similar uniform grabbed my arm firmly, causing me to drop my phone. I was so shocked by his actions and I wanted to scream for help when I saw my father’s secretary, Mr. Kang, approaching the men and said, “Stop this instant and put him down now.” The man let go off my hand and I fell to the floor. The men backed off and stood to the side.

Secretary Kang helped me up and warned me, “Joon Myun, go home now. I know your intentions, you want to go for the SM auditions, don’t you? I haven’t told your parents or anyone else but have you ever thought about the consequences? You were meant to take over your father’s business, not become a performer! Now stop your ridiculousness because it will never happen, Joon Myun. Just come home with me and I promise you I won’t tell anyone about it. You must think twice, what will your father say and do? You’ll be left on the streets by yourself, you’ll lose everything you have. Do you want that?” I paused to think.

What would my father say and do to me?

Would my future even be stable?

Then, Baekhyun texted me.

From Baekkie:

Hey Joon Myun! ^^ See you there, kay? Be a star or be nothing! (I’m sure you’ll choose star, right??)

Be a star, or be nothing.