Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Am I blinded by love? I’m not stupid but... Our relationship can’t possibly go away just like that, it was a lie, a huge lie and I hate him, yet I still love him, despite what he did was totally unacceptable and unforgivable. I finally got the English lyrics of the song and it was very touching and meaningful. I almost started to cry again, now re-living my memories with Joon Myun, with those lyrics stuck in my head.

Sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you.

Fighting, crying and hugging.

Tell me, if this is love.

If you wish and wish earnestly,

Will it come true, like the fairytales?

A never-ending happy ending, happily ever after.

I will trust you, protect you and comfort you.

I will be on your side,

I will never leave your side.

The lyrics were very accurate and I did very much want a fairytale with Joon Myun by my side. Although I don’t know whether I can still trust him, but I can try to do that again. I sound like an idiot, don’t I? Well, it’s gotta be him, it’s gotta be Kim Joon Myun.  It can’t be the end. No.

Even if your love destroys me and hurts me.

You’re the only one for me.

My love starts and ends with you.

You’re my one and only, Kim Joon Myun.

Suddenly, the door opened and Yi Fan came back. He walked past my room and saw me lying on my bed, he immediately knew what was up and went over, saying, “Tao called me and I know what happened. As your older brother, it’s my duty to protect you and I won’t forgive Joon Myun for lying to you and making you cry. Tao said he couldn’t see much of a smile on your face and I don’t see one right now. Just forget about him, okay?” He walked towards me, wanting to me give me a hug but I didn’t hug back. How the hell could I forget him? It’s not possible.

Yi Fan continued and said, “He shouldn’t have even lied to you in the first place, he’s just going to keep lying to you and if I know my sister well, she’s going to keep believing them because she loves him. It doesn’t happen, I won’t let it happen anyways. If you’re thinking of going back to him, it’s not going to happen. Maybe Joon Myun wasn’t your Prince Charming. He doesn’t deserve to live with you in your fairytale happily ever after. You deserve a perfect boyfriend who will love you forever.”

A perfect boyfriend who will love you forever? I wish...

“Yi Fan, there’s no such thing as a perfect boyfriend, everyone will make mistakes, no one is perfect. Love’s journey was never meant to be perfect, there will always be obstacles. Joon Myun is no exception, and neither am I. Who knows? Maybe I might make a mistake in my relationship. I love him, even all his imperfections. Because when you love someone, you accept their flaws, loving even their imperfections, it’s what makes them – them. I’m not a child anymore, Yi Fan. I can make my own decisions, I know what’s right and what’s wrong. If he does do it again and lie to me and hurt me again, I will then probably leave him. I know I can sometimes be up in the clouds, dreaming a fantasy but thank you for dragging me back down to this cruel reality. Next time, just don’t pull me down so hard, okay? I will get hurt...” I pouted at Yi Fan and he just looked at me, he nodded slowly and said, “I’m sorry, you know I can get over-protective sometimes, I just want the best for you. I sometimes still see you as a child, a little and innocent child that I need to protect from all the bad in the world. I just ... forget that you’re actually an adult now and that you can make your own decisions by yourself. I’m sorry, but you know I’m always here for you, right?”

I smiled at him and hugged him, saying, “Thanks ge ge, for being so understanding and loving.”

“You know I’ll always be here for you, Ting Yi. Don’t worry...” Yi Fan said soothingly.

He said, “But... what your plans now? Are you just going to forgive Joon Myun like that?”

I froze for a minute, sure I’d forgive him but was my heart ready to do that so fast? I wanted to forgive him yet I couldn’t completely forgive him. My heart was telling me two different and conflicting things, I do want to forgive him but I just ... couldn’t. I hate myself for not being able to do so and forgive him so easily and just let him waltz back in my life immediately. There’s still a hole in my heart that couldn’t be filled. My brain hurt just thinking about this...

Yi Fan left me alone in my room and went to sleep, I decided to stop the music and lied on my bed, thinking about Joon Myun and I again and again, considering everything possible and what to do until I was mentally exhausted and I fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up with a slight headache and I groaned, looking at how early it was on a Saturday morning. I decided to pull myself out of bed and went to shower. Before I entered the bathroom, I saw Yi Fan walking towards the door and he said, “Morning, Ting Yi! I’m going off to work now, see you soon.” Yi Fan went to work again and I was left home alone, like always.

As the cold droplets fell on my face and body, every droplet that fell, was not silence. Yet, my tears were so quiet as it fell with the shower water. The memories flowed back in again and I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but feel hurt and cry again. The scars he left me with were still open and fresh, I couldn’t seem to close them. Not even the sound of the droplets could block them out; from our first kiss, to our first official date, to the time he got sick... He was actually the first person, to get me to feel such intense feelings in a short period time. Love, happiness, insanity, elation, joy, then, sadness, anger, disappointment, confusion and so much more feelings. It happened very fast, they flashed by so fast, and now we’re here. On the verge of break-up.

Then, my stomach grumbled, breaking my chain of thoughts. I had forgotten that I didn’t even eat my dinner last night. I haven’t eaten in 18 hours. I need to eat to have strength to handle this problem or I might just collapse! At least that’s what my mom used to say. I went to the kitchen and scooped a bowl of rice from the rice cooker. Guess what?

I ate it, I ate it fast and quick like I was starved labourer in World War 2. And I didn’t care.

Once I was done with the bowl of rice, I simply raided the fridge and took out the leftovers from who knows when and ate them like a ravenous beast. Then, I took a full can of cold coke from the fridge and drank it in one shot. The fizzy drink caused my body to shake, the sudden amount of sugar that I had consumed was too much for my digestive system and I puked. I collapsed on the floor, not even caring about the disgusting puke. Then, one more old memory opened up an old scar again...

~Flashback~

After the death of my parents, I was depressed and I couldn’t handle it. I became quiet and I shut off everyone and the world around me. Well... at least I tried to. Mom always said to eat when you’re sad so I ate and I ate and I ate. No one could stop me. I ate so much until I gained weight and it was clearly starting to show. I didn’t know how to stop it. I just kept spinning out of control with my depression, delving deeper and deeper into the vortex of silence. I had changed, I wasn’t myself anymore.

Before my parents’ death, I was assigned the lead role in my drama club. The character I was supposed to be playing had a very energetic vibe who was bright and bubbly. However, the drama teacher saw my ‘new and different’ self and she said, “Wu Ting Yi, I don’t think you are suitable to play this role anymore, how do I say this? Well, I shall just be straight-forward with you and truthfully, you have become fat and a little bit too ugly for this character. You are not happy and bright anymore, clearly not energetic! The audience will easily see through your acting skills, even if it was top-class acting, you are not suitable and good enough to meet the character’s requirements anymore, Miss Wu.” I was shocked and taken aback, I was going to be stripped of my lead role in the play?! But I didn’t say anything at all and let her continue speaking.

“I’m very sorry to inform you that you will not be acting in this play at all. I know it’s your last year in secondary school and you want to be the lead but I can’t give the play up for an ugly duckling like you. The people have high expectations of this play and I will be handling the lead over to Felicia. Congratulations, Felicia, you’re the new lead. Miss Wu, you may go now. You are not needed anymore.”

You’re not needed anymore...

I just walked away and I knew that Felicia Tay was gloating behind my back. It was my final year and I wanted to be the lead for the play so bad, I worked really hard to memorize the lines and improve on my techniques. But in just 10 minutes, all my efforts and hard work had gone down the drain. It was my final chance to showcase my talent and passion to the entire school and prove myself worthy. But I had lost everything, I had nothing, not even a single role or line, I was just kicked out of the entire play! I cried in the toilet for a long time until I decided to come out and I wanted to go back home so that I could eat more. At that moment, Felicia came in and saw my pitiful state. She simply laughed at me and said, “See? I still win, I got the lead role and you got nothing! What happened to you? You got so fat and depressed. Oh that’s right, your parents died. They didn’t want you so they left you, that’s probably the reason why they died.” She squinted her eyes at me and smirked. I didn’t say a word and tried to walk away and leave but she blocked the entrance.

“Where do you think you’re going? I’m not done yet, fatty! Listen up, Wu Ting Yi, you are just some rotten and depressed person who will eventually decompose in some corner. You think you’re so special, like a star. You’re not a star, look at you! You’re just a fat, depressed, stupid, little ----

Then, I couldn’t take it anymore. I pushed her against the wall and punched her. I kept punching her, kicking her and I lost complete control. I beat her up until she fell against the sink and knocked her head against the corner of the sink. She lost consciousness and blood started flowing from her head to the floor. At that moment, I just froze and stared at her, it’s like my brain just stopped functioning and then, something started to process.

I had just beaten the daylights out of Felicia.

And now, she was going to bleed to death.

RUN.

I turned my back and exited the bathroom, I ran as fast as possible. I just kept running until I couldn’t run anymore. I felt dirty, I did something wrong and I just ran away. I sat on a park bench and just cried again, not knowing what to do. I think I killed her...

After sitting on the park bench, I decided to walk back home. I didn’t dare tell anyone about it, not even Yi Fan. I just stayed quiet, like always. I couldn’t tell anyone that I had done it. In the end, a janitor found her in the bathroom about a few minutes later and called an ambulance. Luckily, she didn’t die, but she was in a coma for a while and lost her memory. Her case was closed when she woke up and had a memory loss so nothing happened and I continued living my life – with a burden.

~Flashback end~

It happened a long time ago and I’ve learnt to let go since it was after all, an accident and according to my therapist, I had a mental and psychology problem and I did try and walk away. I guess I still can’t put away my terrible past and I can’t just let it go. The wounds will still be there, it’s just that perhaps I don’t notice it very much anymore like I used to. It just brings back bad memories from the past. It doesn’t help to add salt onto my wound, it just makes it worse with more feelings from the past surging back to me. I buried my face into my folded arms and I was almost about to cry.

Coping with a heavy heart... It’s so hard and I’m so tired, these feelings are overwhelming me second after second. I feel like I could explode anytime but I can’t explode... I have to cope with this heavy heart for Joon Myun and for our love. Even if it means suffering in pain, I will do it... Because without you, the reality would be oh so cruel.

And at that moment, I decided to call my therapist again, after so long, it’s time to see her again.

A.N:  *throws song lyrics references everywhere* See if you can find them all... ;)  I'm finally finished writing the second part to this story and there is a new poster + background, if you didn't notice. :) I have introduced a new character in this story, Ting Yi's therapist. This chapter felt dark and angsty, Ting Yi had a not-so-perfect past either, perhaps she isn't so different from Joon Myun as you would think.

1. Do you like the character development of Ting Yi or Joon Myun better? (in my opinion, I have focused a lot more on Ting Yi than Joon Myun, which is sad but I think Joon Myun's character will be more emphasized later in the story. Thus, I like Ting Yi's one better.)

2. This chapter gives an insight to Ting Yi's past, are you curious to find out more about it? :D 

3. What do you think of Yi Fan? 

4. Any favorite quotes so far in the story? :)

And that will be all for today, thanks for sticking around and reading this and subcribing and some of you sweetiepies have upvoted!! Thanks for the upvote! :) And as my usual broken record speech, comment and perhaps answer the questions above. It'll be awesome to see your answers and your opinion on the story so far, it gives me feedback too!! Until the next time, goodbye readers and have a yehet-ilicious day! ^^