a/n: for me, this is the longest and the hardest chapter. almost 11k words. phiew. I don't know how to say it, I'm so grateful for you who actually take your time to read, upvotes, subscribes, reviews, your pattience, your nice support. you guys rock. lastly I'm not tired to remind you to upvotes, subscribes, reviews, it's the only thing that makes me go on with this story. so please tell me what you think, and enjoy

- M

Taeyeon’s POV

Many cars already passing us by,

Honking like they made from some mad clown parade,

Traffic lights didn’t seem to help.

We are finally on our way to our schedule.

After I froze on my spot, waiting for my girlfriend to bid goodbye to her parents,

And now we are finally on our way.

A soothe playlist from my tape didn’t give up the pressure I feel right now.

I feel a little tense since her parents caught us kissing while we were babysitting soojung.

Soojung would probably kill me with babysitting words. I can hear her screaming,

“I’m not a baby,” now. It makes me scoffed from my nose a little low.

But then the image from past event, when we practically turn soojung’s room into a stage,

a Broadway one,

and to make it worse, when she’s hospitalized, the next day after she collapsed.

I still can feel Mr. Jung’s look,

that stare could burn me alive since I kissed her not-so-little girl.

Man, did he think if we were going to do something if only they didn’t walked in on us? Good God, this epic morning deserves some awkward award.

Wait,

something is off,

did I just finally meet with my girlfriend’s parent?

Do they know if we were in relationship?

Of course they did,

I still remember Mr. Jung called me the infamous kim taeyeon.

OH. MY. GOD.

It finally occurred to me if I haven't officially introduced myself properly while they knew if I'm their daughter's girlfriend slash jessbian partner,

Who kissed her daughter until our lungs gave up with oxygen.

OH. MY. FREAKIN. GOD. TWO. POINT. O.

“baby, are you listening to me?,” sooyeon’s voice snapped me back from my own mind, caught me off my guard, I just give myself an imaginary heart attack.

“yes baby, I’m listening,”

I answered without bring my eyes on her,

Without taking my glance off of the road,

trying to calm myself down.

take a deep breath kim taeyeon,

that’s right on a three, exhale it,

that’s right,

atta girl, you’re doing good.

And I can feel she raise her eyebrows, her tones gone a pitch higher,

“oh really? Then tell me what was I just said it before?, what is the brand that has been asking for me to ambassador them since forever?,” she said, she turns her body to fully face me from her seat,

she leans on her left body, 90 degree from me.

“umm,” I’m starting to trail off, what did she just say? Something with clothes I guess,

“umm?,” she dares me to go on,

I took a glance on her, she is totally anticipating with my answer,

Darn what was I thinking until I didn’t paid attention at her before,

And now she had her hands folded on her chest,

“victoria’s secret?,” I answered, a little wavering, a little hoping,

 And I gain a slap on my right arm and pinch,

“ouch,” I cried while my other hand is busy brushing my right arm,

the right arm never leave the wheels,

“you wish!.”

she said that while she turns back to her previous position,

but her face and eyes facing on the road outside the window.

Of course I wish, but then if she was going to model for victoria’s secret, 

it’s only for me to see.

I won’t let anyone to see her.

Her body will barely covered up, it’s more like skins show off,

she is for god sakes.

No, no, kim taeyeon, don’t go there.

What were we arguing about a second before? Darn my bean brain isn’t helping.

“I’m sorry baby, what were you saying?,”

I said as I am looking at her free hand that so tempting to be held,

And I try to intertwine our hand.

My hand makes its own path to trace and clasped our hand in one,

but then no response,

She is still quiet and looking outside the window.

Darn, how I wish I had another hands just to caress her face and bring her attention at me.

I have no any other choice than unclasped our hand.

I move, now, my free hand to caress her silky hair with a little wave at the tip of it,

that damn hair-,

yet she still doesn’t respond.

The last attempt to make her talk is, tickling her.

And damn right, she screams with all her might,

her dolphin-high-pitched is running straight to my eardrum.

But I didn’t flinch, it actually gives me a smile on my face.

I find this amusing and interesting.

And God damn knows sure she looks so pretty while she laughs like that,

her gummy teeth, and her half-moon eyes, her side bangs that covering her half face,

there are things that people rarely see of her, especially when she laughs,

only close people who gets to see this version of her, especially me.

this is her side that makes me love her even more.

“yah! Kim taeyeon!,”

she recovered from her laugh, she straight back a little on her seat and focusing on me,

after slapping my arm that I’ve been used to tickle her of course.

“I love you,” I said with my softer tone,

I don’t know how that sounds to her but if any other people got to hear me saying things like that might actually pukes a rainbow,

as I take a look at her, long enough to make her gaze not leaving mine,

even if mine is already focused on the road again.

and if I’m not mistaken, I saw her blushing,

even if she had her side bangs covering her dark chocolate eyes,

that shimmering eyes.

“love you too,” she mumbles,

she said that like she is too shy to said it out of nowhere,

but she still did.

And I find her cute, without realizing, my right hand is naturally her hair,

and tuck her loosened bangs behind her ear,

“are you not going to take the victoria secret’s offer then?.”

“KIM TAEYEON, YOU STILL NOT GIVING UP ON THAT TOPIC HUH?,” and she pinch me hard enough to make me yelped, her frown just went deeper, but I just let my lips out a small chuckle

“I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry, so what is it?,” I asked, taking my hand back on the wheels,

And seems like sooyeon is already back on her stable state, since she gives me her adorable looks,

“umm, it’s nothing big, we can talk about that later, tell me, what was in your mind while I’m rambling before?,” she gives my arm a gentle squeeze, like she wants to show it if I have her full attention,

“it’s actually not…”

“taeyeon, please, talk to me,” she cuts in.

Her adorable and curiosity looks turn to a concern one.

When I take a glance at her, my hand naturally finds hers as response,

and I’m holding it tight.

a sigh escaped from my lips,

“I guess I was, you know, just a little bit surprised,” I said,

not wanting to saw my girlfriend’s expression, as my eyes just focus on the road,

even if we’re still in the middle of traffic,

“because…?,” she trailed off, waiting for me to continue,

“well, I assume you tell your parents about us,” I said with my groggily laugh,

“of course I did,” she said while clasping my hand with both of her palm,

her voice sounds happy and maybe a little too proud,

it was in kinda cute anyway.

She seems like waiting for me to continue but she meets with a long silence,

since I’m waiting for her to get it by herself first.

And then I hear a loud gasped from beside me,

“OH MY GOD, Did I cross the line? I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t tell my parents about us before I talk to you if you’re fine with it, oh my god I’m such an idiot…” she said as she covers her face with her palm and starting to cried with a serious upset tones, I can’t forget her horror face when it finally hits her,

And I feel bad, I didn’t mean it that way though,

“hey baby, no, just no, it’s fine baby, I was just a little bit caught off guard I guess, knowing my own parents don’t even know if I dig jung sooyeon, not just any other girls, just jung sooyeon, yet your parents already found out and already met me when we are together,” I said with a small chuckle, trying to lighten up her mood, but she still close her eyes and her lips keep moving like she curse herself or something,

Watching her still blaming herself makes me feel worse,

I slip my hand between her silky hair and starting to soothe her,

“baby, it’s fine, stop blaming yourself, I just want to know, what did they say about us?,” my voice turns soft and softer as seconds passed by,

And for a few second, it gets her face off of her palm,

her eyes finally meet with mine,

“you are not mad?,” she asked with her insecure voice, her eyes a little bit teary, her hands still a little shaky

“of course not baby, now tell me, what did your parents saying about me? about us?,”

as our eyes still locked, I tried to wiggle my eyebrows and give a teasing smile,

trying to hide worries in my voice,

she tried to studied my face, try to find any disappoint in there, but fortunately she didn’t,

or at least she tries to carry on and lighten up the tension.

she has her smile back on track and high pitched voice welcomed in a long sentence,

“well, it’s great, they are great, oh and they applaud me actually,” and she held her proud smile long enough, it gives me vibe to smile along with her,

“what did they applaud exactly?,”

“to overcome my insecurity for being with you,” she answered it after a beat,

She looks at me deeply, with that loving eyes,

That loving looks,

But what is the insecurity she’s talking about?

“insecurity?,”

And she lets a small scoffed out from her nose, I sense the tragic in there,

“I told them everything since our trainee days, I always brag about you on my mom after we practiced, my dad always tease me when I got home and asking about you, my mom actually thought if I was jealous with your talent at first but then she finally gets it if I have a big crush on you, I cried that day when I, too, realized if I like you, not only just as friend. who would stay to liked you as friend when you tried to approach me while I was practicing on the singing room that day, it was your first day as trainee, therefore I was getting used for being alone since 3 years before but then you came, you came to me with that goofy smile of yours, you weren’t the first one to approach me but surely you’re the first to make sure if you’re going to stay on my side until hundreds day later, and then one day, my mom told me if I like you more than a friend should, because a friend didn’t want to kiss her friend, and I have to told my mom about that, I was a little stupid than now back then. I didn’t realize at first though, I cried in my mom’s arms later, and then she told me to let it be, and then I did, I let it be, I try to don’t mind about this feelings but the crush turns to love, then you started to distance yourself from me, I was blaming myself,”

My lips is itching to say the words, if I was sorry, I am sorry to cause her any pain like that in the past,

When I about to cut in, she continuous herself,

“no, don’t apologize, I’m over it long time ago, no taeyeon, don’t, so anyway I thought I’m coming too strong on you, until it made us, we, didn’t talk, like at all, and then insecurity gets the best of me as I’m distancing myself too with you.”

I’m trying so hard to not let a tear drops,

And I think she sensed it since she says something else,

“and they applaud you too,” there, her smile beams again, brighten up the room.

“for what?,” my voice a little bit shaky, I know,

“to finally embrace your true feelings for me, so don’t worry too much, they accept us, they accept you, we have their support ‘cause I finally have the woman I love,”

And there, she said it with her small yet cute voice,

I could swear, if the traffic didn’t decide to went green, I already cupped her face and kiss her senselessly,

“I would kiss you right now, but I have wheels and two lives so,”

I said with my disappoint tones as I puckered my lips,

and she giggles,

“I’ll kiss you later,”

I said as I drive the car inside the parking lot on our company’s building,

I park my car on my usual spot, even there’s already so many cars,

I still can park on my favorite place, it’s on fifth floor,

The same floor as our dance practice room.

When I’m sure I park with the right position, I turn the engine off, and a pair of hands suddenly circled around my neck and I feel my head is being pulled and my lips move in sudden heated kiss. She didn’t give me a chance to take oxygen in, but I’m more than happy to carry on. After a few seconds, our lips didn’t move anymore. we try to catch a breath. We lean on our forehead, our nose still brushing each other. I was the first one to open my eyes, I stare at her close eyes, her nose, I listen to our heartbeat that slowly turns steady. I bring my right palm to caress her right cheeks, it slowly traces her jawline and stopped on the side of her neck. When I try to put her loosened hair on the back of her ear, her eyes suddenly open and her orbs chocolate eyes sends me shiver when we locked our eyes. My heart is suddenly beating faster again, and her lips. God, her lips is slightly parted as she breathes in the air tension. Without wanting to waste another second, our lips crash together and move in sync.

I would never over this, kissing Jessica jung in the parking lot, with a soothe playlist in the background, with the world that has always been waiting for us to impress them.

----

After our heated make out session on my car, we continue with our own schedule. I was recording for TTS new album and she was busy with dancing practice with our members. We didn’t have time to talk, and even if we do, it’s only for a few seconds and I have to go back to recording room. We usually could steal some time to use the roof, just for a little privacy to talk or just even to feel each other presence. Before we hoped off from my car, she said if she wants to talk about my birthday present. The picture of her, joyfully smiling when she tells me, still lingering in my mind.

Thankfully, the song I’ve recorded this time is about a girl who feels more in love with the guy, in my case Jessica Jung, even if I already has her in my embrace. It’s merely three hours later when I finished recording my part. As soon as I get out from the room, I send my girlfriend a message since she didn’t pick up her phone.

Weird. She usually has her phone tattooed on her hands.

So I decide to invite the dance practice room, and I find everyone but her. Members are having a little chit-chat and snack time, I guess it’s lunch time now. I walk towards yoona and sunny, they are joking around like a couple of punk.

“hey my man, ‘sup?,” sunny said as I try to restrain my laugh, she is so random sometimes, why does she have to be an American style right now, out of nowhere.

“no, I’m not your man, and nothing’s up,” I said,

Yoona is smiling watching sunny slumped her shoulder with my reaction, yoona seems looking at behind me,

“where is sica unnie?,” she asked, still looking at my back,

“I was about to ask you if you knew where she is actually,” I said as I scrunching my eyebrows,

“it’s weird, 15 minutes ago she said if she was going to recording room, she wants to visit you,” yoona said.

Weird indeed.

“no, she wasn’t there,” and I’m thinking where she could’ve been. I put my eyebrows in line and sunny catches my worried in between,

“maybe she was having a second thoughts and she feels bored so she went to somewhere.”

While I’m in the middle in my own thought, Sooyeon comes in with her furrowed eyebrows, and did I see it wrong, her eyes is red and she seems to shed a tears.

“baby, where have you been?,” I asked as I try to approach her, but she continues walk to her locker and put her belongings on her bag, her towel, her perfume.

But she didn’t answer me, she keeps quiet.

“are you crying?,” and as I was about to wipe her cheeks, she dodge it.

And suddenly there’s no other movement in the room, members suddenly stops chatting, their lips stopped chewing whatever they eat, or they chew faster just so they can swallow it,

“leave me alone,” she said as she zipped in her bag.

And when I’m going to ask another question, she suddenly walks to our coach and she said something like she doesn’t feeling well and she wants to go home. I’m trying to remember everything since we got off from my car. Everything was fine, I feel like I didn’t do something wrong.

She walks fast to reach the door’s handle, until I stopped her,

“are you sick? Do you want me to drive you home?,” I asked as I’m holding the door,

“leave me alone, I can do it by myself,” she said sternly as she try to open the door, but I stubbornly not letting her go as I grab the handle harder.

“but you didn’t bring your car this morning, I could drive y…”

“FOR GOD’S SAKE, TAEYEON, LEAVE ME ALONE,”

she was shouting at me with her shaky voice.

Her eye is simmering with more tears.

A whole room went quieter, more than it already has.

She is just standing there, she looks at the floor, her hair covering her face,

And I just stay at where I stood.

I don’t know what to do.

“at least, let somebody take you home,” I said, my voice is trembling.

After for a few minutes, yoona decides to step in,

“I could take unnie home, wait, I’ll grab my bag and we can go,” yoona suddenly stands up and walking to grab her bag. And sooyeon doesn’t reject the offer.

We are waiting for yoona as we still stayed on our spot, freeze. I’m trying to recall anything that could happened today, what did I do until I make her so pissed like this.

“unnie,” yoona’s voice woke me up from my crowded mind,

And I opened the door for them, but when sooyeon is going to passed me, i grab her hand, make her stopped from her walking out, but her shaky voice breaks me into pieces,

“please taeyeon, let me go.”

So I did. I let her go from that damn door.

Her back view makes my heart aching,

I feel like I want to hug her from behind, telling her to not to go but I don’t know if I’d cross the line, obviously she is pissed and not in her right mind for now. Until her shade disappeared from my vision, I close the door and walking towards the corner, my favorite spot. I lean my weight on the mirror, closing my eyes, stretching my legs, try to calm myself down. I feel like I lost all of my strength just then, it’s a miracle I could stand where I was, holding the door.

“here,” sunny’s voice come, she comes to me with a glass water too,

“not thirsty,” I said with a few energy left,

“drink, didn’t take no as an answer,” she said as she accompanies me, sitting beside me.

And so I did, I drink all of it in one shot.

“we’re going to continue the practice, without yoona and Jessica, in 5 minutes, girls, gather up.”

Sunny sends me her sympathy and sorry looks,

Even LSM’s niece can’t cancel the practice as she wants to.

---

I was getting scolded a lot because I missed the step, I lost some track, my mind is a messed. Sooyeon’s wounded looks didn’t leave my mind. And finally, I made it at the dorm at 8 pm. I’m anticipated to meet with sooyeon when I got home, I need to get everything straight. I want to know what happened with her. Sunny has been great the whole day, she accompanies me on our way to the dorm, but she didn’t mention anything’s related with sooyeon. She tried to talk about something else, even if I didn’t give her much responds. My mind is not where I am. It’s somewhere else with a San Francisco girl. But when I reach her room, I find no one. I check the other room, living room, bathroom, but nothing. No one is here.

“I’m going to take a shower,” sunny said as she pats my shoulder and gone in our room.

I slumped myself on the couch and trying to distract my mind with watching some random tv shows. And knowing it doesn’t work, I need someone to talk. I try to reach her, even if she said to leave her alone. I suddenly fidgeting on my seat, knowing my girlfriend hasn’t return any my calls or texts. She never did this before, she always has her phone sealed on her hands. She couldn’t live without her phone, and now she just left her phone off.

I feel like a .

“yah, kim taeyeon,” sunny’s voice snapped me out from my own mind.

“hmm?,” I answered without leaving my phone’s monitor sight.

“I’m going to go practice for SITR right now, are you alright if I’m going to leave you alone?,” she asked as she tied her shoes beside me.

Actually I could use a friend right now but I would only put her in the same misery as mine,

“go, I’m fine,” I said shortly.

“really?,”

It’s nice of her to offer me some company but I know, she has other priority and responsibility.

I couldn’t let her throw away that only for me.

“yeah, go, have fun and do well,” I said as I watch her walking out from the dorm,

After hesitating at first, sunny finally go on with her own schedule.

A sigh leave my lips, I couldn’t bear it any longer. I try to call yoona but she didn’t pick up either. i won’t let my phone got our from my hand tonight, I don’t want to miss a thing. I watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s rerun just to accompany me through the night. members are out with their own schedule, tiffany usually likes to watch this series with me when we couldn’t sleep in the old times. We could laugh until our stomach hurts. But even the funniest part, tonight I couldn’t laugh it off. Sooyeon is still in my mind, even when phoebe makes some ridiculous song. But that theme song soothe me in my laying position.

I didn’t realize if I fell asleep on our living room while waiting for sooyeon comes home. The light source only comes from television. I rubbed my sleepy eyes but I feel horrible. I didn’t feel like I was just asleep. Realizing if I was alone, I sat up from my laying position. I turn television off. Even the quietness makes me sadder. Until I heard the door clicking, I immediately looking forward to the front door. And the person that I’ve been waiting is finally showed up.

A smile ready to great her, but suddenly she turns it in to a frown.

She ignores my presence in the room, she just walks to her room, without taking a glance at me. Maybe she was but she didn’t say anything, she just disappears again.

I pinch my nose bridge, I feel tired, more than I already is, and I decide to walk to her room, and it’s locked as expected. I knock low enough for her to hear, but I didn’t hear anything in back, the room surrounding with a silent night, it’s only me and my own heartbeat.

I give it another try, I knock it again, this time a little bit louder. Then the door harshly open and revealed not-so-amused jung sooyeon.

“what?,” she asked with her i-don’t-want-to-do-anything-with-you attitude, she has her hand folds on her chest.

“where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you,” I said with my worried face and tones.

“why do you care?,” she asked, still with an attitude.

I’m trying to not let it get me, maybe she is tired, or maybe she is hungry? aha maybe she is, food makes everything better somehow.

“of course I do, have you eat anything? Do you want me to make you dinner or something?,” I asked, I’m trying to not let my hand caress her face, she looks tired and pissed off. But I hold it.

“no,” she said and the door slammed on my face. Automatically, I knock her door once again. Fortunately there’s no one in the dorm, everyone still on their schedule. Or it’s going to be really awkward.

“baby, opened up,” I said a little desperate since she ignores me again.

“leave me alone,” she yells from behind of this door. And it successfully gets me worry.

“baby, what’s wrong? What is actually happened?,” I keep my tone low, I’m seriously worried right now. But then my worried take the double place since she yelled from the other side of the door,

“you happened.”

and believe me or not, even if I don’t know what I did wrong, it shattered my heart knowing she said that to me. did I hurt her in any possible way?

“why? What did I do wrong? Baby please open up,” I try to push the door again but none, it’s still locked.

After a few minutes, I check my phone and there is a new message from yoona,

Unnie, I’m so sorry, sica unnie made me not to answer your call. I tried to ask her if something’s wrong but she said she didn’t want to talk about it, so I just take her to do some shopping since she didn’t want to go home either. I just dropped her off now, hope you guys can sort things out.

I send a gratitude text as in reply, thank god she had yoona, and now I’m sure if I did something wrong to her. But what is it?

I’m too preoccupied with my own mind until I didn’t realize if her door room is opened, and she comes out with a big luggage on her hand, she walks to front door as she didn’t even care if there is me in the room, I immediately sat up and follow her,

“where are you going?,” I asked, gripping onto her luggage, she keeps walking, trying to drag me with her luggage,

“home,” she said coldly.

“but…but this is your home,” I said, I can feel if my eyes starting to feel the burning sensation,

And she starts to shiver from the cold hall, we are just standing still on entrance door,

“sooyeon, please, tell me, what did I do wrong?,” I asked carefully.

my voice sounds so smaller than I intend to,

She turns her face at me, and I get the heartbreaking image of her. her eyes is swollen, her cheek is wet with the tears,

“do what you have to do.”

“what do you mean by that?”

“just pretend that I was never here.”

I gritted my teeth; I don’t want to be on the same level with her anger right now,

“Jessica, what’s your problem?,” I asked with all my patience left,

“do you really want to asked, taeyeon?, because I think you know what it is.”

“I really don’t know, just, please, tell me.” I pleaded.

And she gives me her fierce look as she talks,

“do you know what happened? I was going to visit you in recording room but a CEO caught me and brings me to meeting room, there he was, our president, talking about how lucky I am to have you as girlfriend until he said if you throw away your dream, just to be with me, how dare you to not telling me that? Who do you think I am? Did this relationship is only your responsibility? And even worse, why do I have to know this from other person, why…”

She looks up at the ceiling, try to stopped the flowing tears,

I didn't bulge from where I stand to say a word, I was too shocked,

I didn’t even feel if I cry along with her,

“don’t you think I have the right to know about it?, how dare you to let go that offer, just only to be with me?.”

“it’s not your decision to make,  I respect you enough to not let you drawn by this, I know if I told you, you’d tell me to choose the job, but all I really want is you, how could you not see that?.”

With trembling body, she shakes her head, and she is quiet for a few seconds, until she said,

“I can’t be with someone who couldn’t even let me in,”

Her cracked voice cracks my own heart.

And there is long silence and tension build up between us, she looks me in the eye, she is making an appropriate distance, it's only a mind game, we are quiet for a few minutes passed by, she studies my figure, and I studied hers, until she broke our silence, she said,

“I can’t be with you right now.”

And I just stand there, listening to her, couldn’t even open my mouth, trying to make her stay, but my tear is overflowing my face, I’m trying so hard to pull myself together,

"and I don't like your brown sweater,”

And she gets out from my sight.

When she disappears from the hall, I finally break down.

I pull my legs up to my chest, and then I’m sobbing my hearts out.

This couldn’t be the end, this isn’t right,

Wonderful things always come to an end.

But I can’t let this happened,

I can’t let this end like this,

I can’t.

----

Last night is my horrible nightmare comes true. I was up all night, even until the dawn greets me. I remember Jessica walks away from me, I remember having break down mental, I remember sunny embraces me with her warm hug,

I don’t know, sunkyu, we were just fine this morning, I met her parents, she said if they accept us, and now…everything’s fall apart,

And I remember she said if I should’ve told her when this nightmare haven’t happened, but she didn’t say if she told me so, she just pulled me in a hug and soothing me if everything’s going to work out alright, I just need to clear my mind and let Jessica clear hers.

This evening, me and sunny are playing catching ball at park behind our dorm, just to help me to clear up my mind. I didn’t eat anything since last night, sunny tried to talk me to it, but I refuse with all I might. I didn’t even want to move actually. I still have my last night outfit. But sunny insist if I have to do something, because it isn’t over yet. All I need is to clear up my mind. And so her I am, with last night clothes.

I didn’t try to contact sooyeon either, I let her has her own space for now.

“what do you think she was doing right now?,” I asked to broke our silence, as I throw the ball at her. And she catches it correctly but not with an amused face.

“I thought we were going to clear up your mind, why mentioned about her.”

And my turn to catch the ball.

“I can guarantee, she won’t ever leave my mind even if it was already cleared up.”

And I can hear sunny’s desperate sigh,

“taeyeon, just, man up,” she said as she catches my ball.

And it gets me to furrowed my eyebrows,

“I have had enough of you since last night, just, go to her home, say what you want to say at her, don’t be such a wuss.”

And she throws the ball harder than before.

“I’m not a wuss,” I replied it with a harder throwing.

“then show her if you’re not a wuss, show her if she deserves you, don’t be such a baby, she needs you now more than ever.”

And the next thing I know is I’m standing in front of her porch, only changing my sweater,

I still have my sweatpants though,

I knock exactly 3 times and Soojung opened up the door, she has her shock face when she looks at me at first but then she quickly recovers,

“oh unnie, come in,” she said with her usual chic self, but with warmer tones.

“are you feeling better?,” I asked, looking at her face, trying to find something strange on her face, her face isn’t pale anymore, and she looks healthier than yesterday,

“of course, I’m already back on my track now,” she said with her proud smile, so I did too,

“is your parent home?,”

“nope.”

“ahh, is your unnie here then?.”

“yes, she is in her room all day, she’s been in a bad mood since she came home, do you know why?,” she asked as she walks me towards second level, where her sister room is,

And I just answer her with my tired smile,

“ah, so this is why you look like a mess,” she said as she knocks on her sister’s door,

I don’t even have to try to hide my messy hair and face,

“unnie, you have someone who wants to meet you.”

“I don’t want to,” another shout heard from the other side of the door.

“it’s taeyeon unnie.”

“I don’t even want to breath in the same air with her,”

And it had me choked up.

Soojung sends her apologetic looks,

“unnie, don’t be immature like this, opened up!,” soojung demands.

After some quiet time, there’s a click sound, and she talks again,

“it’s unlocked,” with much softer voice.

And soojung pushed the door opened, it revealed sooyeon who currently sitting on her bed while a sad song playing in the background, her room is full with tissues,

“unnie, are you a teenager? Because you’re being like ones,” soojung said as she’s trying to pick up the use tissues, but I stop her,

“let me, you can leave us now, I’ll handle her,” I said with a reassuring smile and only her can hear, and she does as I say.

And soojung closes the door, the tension in the room is starting to build up as she still choose to ignores me. but I can’t let that happened, I’m starting to pick up her tissues, I wonder if I was crying as much as her. She ignores me but her eyes didn’t leave me. Even if my back is facing her, i can feel her watching me. and then babyface’s mad, y, cool is playing. It makes me smile a little, this is the song in my playlist. She only knows this song exist is because I usually put it in a loop when we were driving.

“I like this song,” I said out of nowhere, trying to break the tension.

“are you have a good sleep, last night? I didn’t get any sleep, you know why? because I missed you,” I said again, I feel like I’m having a monologue.

But I don’t mind.

“you haven’t eat anything, have you?.”

I ask again.

I expect nothing from her, but I was wrong,

“what do you want?,” she asked with her cold tones.

I stopped with the last pieces of tissue, I’m facing her now,

“can I talk now? I remember last night it’s only you that’s been voicing your thoughts.”

And thank god I didn’t stutter.

She just look at me, not answering, a cue for me to go on,

“even if we broke up, I still won’t choose that path..”

She still looks at me and studies my face,

I’m trying to not bring the dark feelings come again, just like last night,

I want to keep it light, and,

this time I will get it right,

“they only want to give me that just because they want us to be apart, I doubt it if we aren’t together, they will let me to have that, as you know, I don’t want to do a solo carrier, I just want to be with my team, with members, the place where I belong, after all these years, I can tell of what I want and what I need, 8 of you is my confidence, even if I want to do a solo carrier, I don’t want it under this circumstances, and we can save it for later, and baby, I’m so sorry to not tell you about this, I don’t want you to get upset, and obviously, any other way around, I will make you upset, I should’ve told you, but anything your answer is, still, I’d decline the offer.”

And her expression is soften up rapidly,

“what if I said yes for that offer because you told me to? I have this script inside my head already, where we will go back to that time, do you want to go where we were? When I try to avoid you with all I might, just to not let my feelings gotten in the way and because the contract, and I won’t have the vision to continue my life again somehow, my happiness just gotten rid of me, and I know you’ll cry yourself to sleep every night because of that, and sooyeon-ah, do you really want us being miserable like that?.”

And here I am, kneeling on the ground, beside her bedside, where she sits and her head is bowing down,

“I’m sorry.” She said weakly.

I reach her hand in mine and try to make her look at me,

“I’m sorry, I just don’t want you to regret it someday if you were throwing away your dream just for me.” she said it this time clearer,

I wipe her tears that starting to fall again, I her hair, I slowly cupped her face,

“Jessica, jung sooyeon, the only dream that I’ve been dreaming of, is having my life on my grasp, and that is I found only with you, knowing you as mine is more than I deserve to dream on, it’s more than enough, don’t you say if you wouldn’t do like what I did, you know I love you so much to let you go, years of your absence in my life was… I was so suffocated, and now, knowing how that feels to have you, and call you as mine, I never want to let you go, ever again.”

After she studies my face and my kneeling position, she throws herself on me, and I embrace her, her back, letting her cry in my shoulder, she tries to catch a breathe between the sobs,

“tae…”

“hmmm”

“don’t ask me to break up with you, ever.”

And a satisfying smile appearing on my face, and couple of tears slide down on my face,

“I never have any intended for breaking up with you. You are stuck with me.”

Then she buries her face on my neck,

“good,” she mumbled with her cracked voice.

After a few good minutes, she finally calms down and pulled herself up,

She looks at me with her puzzle looks,

“why don’t you wear your brown sweater?, you sure wear your sweatpants from last night.”

I can feel my eyebrows rising,

“you said you hated it.”

And she smiles, she’s in the middle of her cute-hiccupping sounds,

“I said that because it really brings out the color of your eyes, and It’s mesmerizing, it didn’t help me since I was mad at you."

She pulls me to her bed, I’m following her order as I’m laying down next to her,

“sooyeon-ah.” And she hummed as a response,

“never, ever, leave me like that again,” I said as i look at the ceiling,

“I feel worthless,” I said, trying to pressed the sad tones in my voice,

“I’m sorry,” she said with her fragile voice,

“and you’re not worthless, I’m so sorry for making you feel that way.”

She holds my hand while she, too, looks at the ceiling,

I hold her hand tighter, to reassure her if it’s alright, just, don’t do it again.

Then a long comfortable silence is lingering us.

We just want to enjoy our calm-after-storm moments now.

The calm but sad playlist is bringing us to a slumber sleep,

The sleep that we need to catch up,

Since we didn’t get any sleep since last night.

----

The birds chirping outside the window,

make my eyes flutter open,

when I look down,

I find sooyeon is tangling herself with me.

Her legs curling up with my left foot, her arms hugging my left arm,

A satisfaction smile hanging on my face,

She looks so calm and peaceful right now.

I’m starting to poke her cheeks, or even steals peck on her lips,

She is starting to stir up a little,

And I try to poke her ribs until her eye is fully open.

The first thing she does when she opens her eyes was smiling like a dork and puckered her lips, asking me to give her a good-morning-kiss, without wanting to waste another second, I close our gaps and clasp our lips together,

“are you hungry?,” I asked when I heard her stomach starts to grumble,

“starving,” she answered as she lets out her shy giggle.

“alright, come on get up, I’ll make you something.”

And we walk hand in hand to her kitchen, she is unexpectedly skipping and jumping all the way to the kitchen. this isn’t my first time being here, there’s nothing much change, only more of photos is hanging in the wall. I’m guessing it’s when she was having a vacation with her family last year around.

“let’s just pretend that you’ve come from our front door, not from my daughter’s room,”  mr jung said while folding his paper in a living room, and I gulped.

I didn’t realize if there’s somebody else inside the house, beside us and soojung.

“honey, don’t ,” mrs. Jung suddenly showed up with a cup of coffee for her husband from the kitchen, which is just beside the living room.

“what? I’m only joking, right, taeyeon?,” mr jung said as he shows me his warm smile.

And sooyeon sends her dad a glare,

“ye…yes, of course,” I said with my best smile and a little stuttering voice.

“See?, she gets it, you women need to calm down,” mr jung said while sipping his coffe.

And I’m awkwardly laughing,

“we already had a breakfast since it’s already 11 in the noon, if you guys are hungry, we still have some left over from breakfast,” Mrs jung said as she take a seat beside her husband, Mr jung’s eyes already back on the newspaper.

“ahh, thank you mrs. Jung,” I said groggily with a smile,

“please dear, call me judy,” and the way mrs. Jung smile reminds me of my girlfriend, maybe she would be this beautiful when she gets old.

“your name is jongsook-ie, mom,” soojung said suddenly walking from her room, and slumping down beside her mom.

“what? I’m just trying to be an American mother-in-law style.”

And it had me choke up on the air as I’m making my way to the kitchen,

“mooommm,” sooyeon whined as she follows me right behind me.

She sends her mom a glare but mrs. Jung just brush it off and just continue with spoiling soojung.

“I’m sorry,” sooyeon’s voice echoed from behind me as I open the refrigerator, trying to find something to cook,

“it’s fine, family is always like that, isn’t it?,” I asked with my calm self, finally.

She nods weakly on my shoulder, as she pressed her body on my back,

“what do you want to eat?,” I asked as I’m taking out kimchi and meat,

“anything, I’m starving,” she said as she walks on the counter,

“so taeyeon, what about diner later, tonight?,” suddenly mr. jung asked me, he’s going to wash his hand,

“can’t do, dad, we have schedule,” sooyeon said as my behalf,

But as I remember, we have a day off today, and I don’t have anything tonight,

“but ba…,”

“taeyeon and I have another schedule,” she cuts in fast.

We have our own schedule now?

“ah, I guess we didn’t get the timing right,” mr. jung said with a little disappoint voice,

“ah I have an idea,” mr jung said said again after some of time to think,

Me and sooyeon are focusing on him right now,

“we can talk, while sooyeon cooks for you two, she can handle it on her own,” mr jung said as he puts his hand on my shoulder and practically push me towards the living room,

And I can see sooyeon’s trying so hard to not laugh while looking at my horror face,

I’m about to die,

And the next thing I know, I’m sitting on the love couch while mr jung, mrs jung, and soojung are sitting on the lounge couch, across me,

“so taeyeon,” mr jung starts to talk,

Soojung and mrs jung are sitting quietly, studying me,

And I’m already floating with cold sweat,

After some time, finally mr jung continues what he was saying,

“are you two happy?,” he asked with his genuine voice and his warm smile,

“well, I don’t want to be part of this, unnie do you need something?,” soojung suddenly stands up and leaving the living room.

Mr jung’s voice is making me calmer, and relieved,

“of course, I know that I am happy,” I say it with a smile,

And mr and mrs jung show their satisfying face,

“sooyeon never stops talking about you since your trainee days,” mrs jung said while taking her tea,

I’m trying to not let my face blushed harder than before, as I try to look away, my eyes locked with sooyeon’s, as she’s chopping garlics,

She sends me her proud smile,

“that’s right, I can recalling her saying taeyeon this, taeyeon that, it’s like you were already a superstar, unnie, did you cast a spell on her?,” soojung chips in,

“yah!,” and sooyeon gets her whined like a puppy,

We laugh along while soojung getting scolded,

Our conversation goes on like the river flow, smooth and nice, we were talking about our plans for group and such on, the mood is great until mrs jung asked me,

“are you parents know about you two?,” she asked carefully, as she studies my face.

I bite my lips as I’m shaking my head,

“do they know if you…?,” mrs jung couldn’t go on, and I need to finished it for her,

“no, they don’t know if I’m in relationship with sooyeon, neither if I like a girl, I don’t even know if I actually a lesbian, I only fall for sooyeon to be very honest, mam,” I answered with my genuine smile. And she replies me with one too.

“do you think they will accept your relationship?,” mrs jung asked again, mr jung only studies my face, and the other jungs is eavesdropping in the kitchen,

I’m hesitatingly shake my head,

“I don’t think they’ll accept it at first, my parent is very conventional,” I said with a sad smile,

Suddenly mrs jung walks to my seat and ask for my hand, I immediately stand up and let her holding my hand, she shows me her warm and loving looks,

“ah, taeyeon-ah, don’t you worry, you have our blessings, you can call me as your own parents, we’ll love you like those pabos, and I actually like you from the first encounter, it’s actually hard to not love you knowing you are a hard working woman, one of a kind, I’m so glad my daughter choose you as a partner, as a lover.”

And my tears suddenly ready to fall free, and she pulls me in a hug, as she my back,

“welcome to our family, taeyeon-ah.”

And I’m starting to sobs, “thank you,” I mumble.

“food is ready,” suddenly, sooyeon’s voice echoed in my ears,

And mrs jung’s shoulder being replaced with sooyeon’s, mrs jung let sooyeon hugs me and calming me down,

“let’s eat,” sooyeon said as she released me from the hug, she tries to get a better look at my face, she shows her glowing face and her own tears.

When I walk in the kitchen, I smell something great and delicious, the vision makes it tastier, and it’s sooyeon’s, I try to take a big bite from her soup, and a big smile drawn on my face, as I moan, this food is great, tasty,

“wow, I didn’t know if you’re this great now,” I praised her as I pat her head,

“just because you never let me cook for you,” she defends with her famous pout,

And it got me smile wider,

“alright, from now on, you have to cook for me, good God, this is delicious.”

“served you right, let’s dig in,” sooyeon said as she serve 2 plates on the table and 2 glass of water.

Mr jung and mrs jung are back to their room after saying have a good day to us, and soojung is leaving for recording, after getting scold from sooyeon, to remind her medicine and vitamin.

“finally, only you and me, me and you,” sooyeon said as she eats a spoonful of her soup,

And I smile as a respond,

“is it really that great?,” she asked with her proud smile and cocky voice,

“it is,” a smile never leave my face after I eat her food,

“really?,” she asked again with her high-pitched tone,

“yes baby, really, and thank you.”

“you’re mostly welcome,” she said as she chewed her food and show her smile,

The sight really amuse me,

“you know what?,” I ask as I put my spoon down, as I finished the food,

“what?,” she answered as she, too, finished the food.

“thank you for not breaking up with me, I wouldn’t get a chance to taste this delicious soup if you did,” I said as a teasing tones can be heard between the words, and she smiles shyly,

“I know, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t let it consume me, but, from now on, you have to tell me everything you have in mind, try to let me in, taeyeon-ah,” she said as she takes my hand in hers,

And I put my other hand to sandwiches her hand,

“I’ll try, one thing at a time, right?.”

She nods and show her big smile,

“I actually want to give you something with a perfect time, the perfect time I meant is when we finished our practice time yesterday but, I guess there was never a perfect time, so, wait,” she suddenly runs upstairs and she just left me here, confuse,

But in a few minutes, she is back with her hand in the back, she skips her step towards me with her big dork smile, showing her gummy teeth.

She sits at her previous seat and she gives me a square box with a Tosca ribbon on top of it, looking at me being puzzled up, she nudges my rib and giving a sign to open it, and so I did.

When I saw what’s inside the box, my eyes just went wide, it’s two tickets for us to fly to Busan and a penthouse flyer,

“we’re going to fly there this noon, and it can’t wait anymore, I actually want to give this to you at the party, but then I couldn’t since soojung was sick, and I want to give it to you yesterday but things happened, and no matter what happened today, I’m going to drag you on the plane, with me, to have a night gateway, with me,” she said with her cute groggy tones,

And I can’t say anything, I just pull her in a long deep kiss,

A night gateway with her, don’t mention, in a penthouse,

this would be a magical night,

“I love you,” I said after I pulled out from the kiss, and locks our eyes, she gives me her sweet smile,

“I love you too,” she said as she tightens up her grips in my arm.

----

We already on our half way to busan, we manage to skip the reporter, we escaped without our manager or even a body guard. This is so cool. Sooyeon has her hoodie up all the time, and me too, I’m wearing a scarf as well. Covering my neck up to nose. It’s almost 9 pm when we arrived at the hotel. We didn’t talk, we just enjoy each other presence, as we make our way to the hotel. We couldn’t walk hand in hand, we just stick close with each other, still with hoodie and scarf up on our face. And we have to resist to not touch each other until sooyeon opens the penthouse room and good God, this is our shortest and first trip as a couple. I look at the wide window that brought the cityscape and city light, it’s just so magnificent. The balcony, is just too big. The sea and the mixed up of the wave and shore smell, makes me all giddy and happy.

“I’m going to go pee, can you confirm our reservation? It’s right next to the phone,” sooyeon said as she brings her big luggage to the bathroom. Huh?

And I do as I told, after a few minutes, I knock at bathroom door and she said something,

“can you go first?, I’m having an upset stomach, I think,” she said,

Huh?

“what? Are you alright?,” and it gets me worried,

“yes, just please, go there first.”

“what? No, I’m not leaving you,” I stubbornly say,

“just please, taeyeon-ah, I’m going to be fine, I’ll meet you there in 5 minutes,” she said again. And I couldn’t win the argument since she is being stubborn herself too.

“alright, call me if you need anything,” I said as I make my way to the front door.

I walk alone to the restaurant, it’s fifth floor below our penthouse, i don’t have anything in mind since I’m alone, without my girlfriend, I just want her to be fine and come to me faster.

“table name under Cornelia please,” I said, well, that name was written down, as substitute from our real name, we’re getting smarter, or dumber.

“this way please,” the waiter said with her  warm voice, she obviously know if I’m kim taeyeon, but she didn’t say anything. And merely 15 minutes later, sooyeon’s sight finally make an appearance.

“how are you?,” I said with my worried tones as I stood from my seat and pulled up her seat,

“I’m great, are you tired?,” she asked as she sits down on her seat,

“no, are you?,” I asked while I’m sitting down in my previous seat.

“nope, I’m hungry,” she said while she opens the menu.

And we order our food and champagne, and we talk like we didn’t care with the world. The restaurant as big as the ballroom, but it doesn’t fill with people. Most of the people are elderly. There’s none from our age. That makes us getting more freedom, we didn’t have to put our hoodie up, we didn’t have to wear our scarf until we can’t breathe.

We throw a joke, waiting for the food to arrive, we are talking about ginger, prince, hani, mostly of soshi’s pets. We talk about our childhood, where I pushed a boy just because he said I look small. I didn’t like it when people underestimate me when I was a kid, even until now, and it gets her laughing.

After feeling satisfy and full, we are ready to leave the restaurant and back to our room, when sooyeon hands the bill, I stop her right away,

“you paid for the ticket, at least this I can do,” I said as I handed the money, and leave a big tips for our waiters, she’s been great with us, she even made sooyeon laugh before.

And we walk hand in hand to our room, but when I open the door, the lamp is off, only candles being spread off.

“follow the light,” sooyeon whisper from behind.

And I gave her a look, she just show her big smile,

I follow the candles that lead me to the balcony, and it makes my jaw dropped,

A canvas, an easel, pallet, oil paints, pencil colors, sketchbook, acrylic brush,

Are set up in the balcony.

There is a couch at the edge of the balcony, it was obviously from the penthouse, and a small chair in front of the blank canvas on the easel,

“I know you don’t have much time again to do what you like, doodling and such, so, this time I want to give you this,” sooyeon said as she holds my hand,

And I just look at her in awe,

“would you mind to paint me a picture?,” she asked.

And I immediately shaking my head,

“sure, what do you have in mind?,” I asked.

“wait a minute,” she said as she left me in the balcony to the bathroom.

And I’m waiting for her while looking at the paint set,

I’m sitting on the chair in front of the canvas and easel,

I touch the engraving on the easel, it seems so luxurious,

While I mesmerized with the sets, I suddenly feel something plopped on my head and someone wearing a white sheet passed by,

Sooyeon is covering herself with a very big white sheet,

The end of the sheet is being dragged on the ground,

It isn’t transparent, but I can see if she wears nothing beneath that sheet,

She walks and sits on the other couch, on the edge of the balcony,

The moonlight reflecting her bare skin, her collar bones tempted to be touched,

And kissed,

And now I find it hard to breathe,

even it’s hard to swallow my saliva that’s been watering mouth for a while now.

“Picasso needs a beret to give his best shoot, so, that’s yours,” sooyeon said as she pointing at the top of my head, and I find a beret there. so this is that’s been plopped on my head before.

A smile grace on my lips,

“you…you want me to…,” I trailed off,

“yes,” she said short as she arranges her position, but she doesn’t seems to find her comfortable position, so i stand up and walking towards her. I put the sheet on the random place, to give a little wave from the ground. I pull the sheet that’s been covering her collar bones, low enough until it’s off from her shoulder, but barely made it on her cleavage. I trace her jawline and she smiles as her respond. I make her facing the moon and the dark sky. I make her legs folded and her hand wrapped it in a hug. I take off my shoes and change my blouse in a gray shirt. I put my hair in a ponytail as I take a pencil, sketchbook, and ready to make a sketch.

“don’t move,” I said as she was starting to wobbled,

“it’s tiring,” she whines,

“but you’re the one who asked for this,” I said as I try to restrain a giggle,

“to think about it, it’s your present too, so, enjoy it while it last,” I added.

She slumps her shoulder, a pout growing on her face, and I stop what I’m doing,

“have I told you if you really beautiful in white?, especially now?,” I asked, without giving a teasing tone, I’m deathly serious now.

And it makes her blush,

“sweet talker,” she said as she goes back to her previous position, just like as she started,

a smile is back on my face as I continue to paint her.

And after 45 minutes, it’s finally done,

I bring the sketchbook to her, and her eyes went wider,

“wow, you are good,” she said as she studies my sketch,

“it’s nothing,” I said awkwardly, as I’m scratching my head,

“no, taeyeon, you are really great, I want a picture as the realism from the sketch,” she said suddenly jumps out from her seat and went inside. She backs in 5 minutes with a polaroid in her hand,

“come here,” she said as she makes me to kneeling beside her, so our eyes on the same level.

But then, I took a step closer of her so I can touch her white sheet that covering her upper body. My hand is tracing her collar bones, and her jawline. She seems a little tense when I stopped again at her collar bones. I dare myself to take the next step, as in, I kiss her neck and her collar bones. She hitched her breath for a few second, when my lips landed on her body.

I feel my face is going to burn, and I can feel if she does too.

I look up at her and she looks down at me, we locked our eyes,

“gorgeous,” I said without blinking, I want her to know if my eyes only for her, she is the most gorgeous person of all,

and I got a smile lingering on her face, a blush shown up too on her cheeks.

“take a picture, now,” she demands.

And so I did.

I take two pictures,

It’s the realism from the sketch,

And a candid,

while she shyly looks away,

I look at her with amazement and compassionate looks.

“you look like my slave,” she comments.

“you look like a princess,” I said, still kneeling.

And she sends me her smile,

“I know right, but look at this, we are sooooo cuuuuteeee together,” she said as she fangirling over our photo. Her tones went one octave higher.

A giggle escaped my lips,

Looking back at couple days ago, and here we are now,

Makes me feel relieved ‘cause,

Even the strongest storm has its own rainbow.

Sooyeon-ah, if only you know, you already are a present for me.

thank you for being the great present,

I promise to love you right,

I wouldn’t need a second chance.