XVI.
I still feel problematic, though I know who I really love. It was always him. I can't deny the fact that I love Jackson, and it would always be him.

Yet how could anyone explain to me the different feeling everytime I am with BamBam?

I could say that it's giving me chills, butterflies, it makes me feel unusual; a sign of being in love with the person. It's impossible to choose the both of them, so how would I go with this?

Currently, I am with Marianne at the school grounds where the grass is real green. It's time to seek help; not really that I'll ask their opinions about how I feel, but give me clues to help me understand how I really feel. I'm sure that my love for them isn't really equal; Either of them is the one I love more.

And that's the thing I need to know. Who's who; I need to differentiate their importance to me.

"You can't answer your own question, or you're regretting the chance that you've never experience?" she laughed. I directly looked at  her. "What?" she's still smiling.

My hand is below my chin while looking down the green grass. I know to myself that I have a decision. A decision I don't want to admit to myself. I really feel that He doesn't deserve me. That he needs a love of a worthy person-- and that's not me.

Marianne was relaxed. Legs straight, leaned slightly supported by her hands slightly on the back. She's looking up to the leaves of the trees that shades us. 

I sighed before leaning to a tree behind me. "Who?" I whispered, that was probably overheard by Marianne since she looked at me after. "I believe you can answer your own question. I can see it-- you're just in denial." I looked at her with a wrinkled forehead and then messed my hair in frustration after. "I thought you were here to help me!" I said with a shouting tone yet low voice.

She just gave me a slightly curved smile and opened her bottle of water. "Blondy," for a second it reminded me of BamBam. "Let me ask you a thing. When you're happy, who do you remember?" she said with a questioning look.

"BamBam." I plainly answered.

"When you're sad?"

"Jackson."

A teasing smile curved her lips. "Love is about longing of extreme happiness of the other," so it's Jackson afterall?

"What's with that shocked face?" she raised a brow. "It's also about your own Happiness. Therefore, BamBam is also possible." she laughed so hard. I can't believe she can't be serious.

I rolled my eyes at her and sighed deeply. "Can you please be serious? Just this one time?" I added. She still wasn't doing anything. She's just kidding around!

"Why should I take this seriously? You know the answer to yourself." she chuckled and then rolled my eyes at me before taking a bite to her sandwich. She looked at her watch after. "It's already 3:30. I believe you'll be going to talk to them after this."

What I like about Marianne is she's all about brains. She's an intellectual person. Smart. Not in academics, but in good point of view in life and in the way of thinking. She'd always let her mind win over her heart; one reason why she declines almost every guy who asks her out.

Aside from that, she knows how to read a person. She's been friends with everybody and she can mingle with them well. Including guys. She could be the next president of the club. Jr is going to graduate.

Literature Club.

In speaking of, Jr. noticed us two and waved at us. We waved back, and he suddenly sat slightly between us, barging this pointless conversation. He's throwing the Journal the Literature Club made, and then catching it. "What's up?" he said, still throwing the Journal up and down.

Marianne and I both sighed and looked at him. Marianne pointed me boredly, so Jr.'s attention was driven on me, waiting for an answer.

"All about love," I tiredly sighed. My thoughts drowned me. I rubbed my eyes. I feel sleepy due to a sleepless night. Indeed I am stressing myself.

"Jackson?" he asked. It was the Lit Club's impression of love to me. For them, Love would always be Jackson to me. As a second family, they knew the sacrifices I've made for Jackson. They were all witnesses. One time before, when Jackson tried to poison himself because Aril broke up with him, I called the whole club to help me bring him to the hospital. That was one of the darkest days-- good thing the poison he took was curable and he was treated immediately. 

"And BamBam." Marianne added, pointing her index finger nowhere upward.

He raised a brow at me and repeated his name. "BamBam?" he looked at my angry pouting face before hysterically laughing. "You like BamBam?" he said in between his laughs. When he finally realized that I was damn serious, he slowly stopped laughing. "Sorry." he looked down.

"I think I could help. What's the real problem here?" he said seconds after. "I don't know who I really love-- is it still Jackson or BamBam?" I asked, placing my hands on my head and then looked down.

I heard Marianne sighed. "You're too in denial. Let me help you then." I felt hope. Here she goes.

"You've been helping Jackson since you could remember. You loved him unconditionally. You almost gave your own life for him! Now, who's the one you really love?" the back of my mind was shouting 'Jackson', but there's a fact that I want to clear. "B-but I'm not doing that lately." she laughed after.

"You've been with BamBam for months. You met him because you paired up for an article in the Literature Club. What's your impression of him?"

"Cocky and Spoiled. He was, but at some point I am wrong. He's sweet as heck," I chuckled after. Her eyes narrowed, giving me a straight smile after.

"I've seen you both going out too much lately." Jr. added. "We're not," 

"See? In denial." Marianne angrily pouted.

"I think I already know the mystery of this game." Jr. said with eyes full of sureness and hope.

"Say, What do you think of the words, 'bad' and 'poor'?" he asked.

"Synonyms?" I answered.

He looked at me directly. "You still don't know?" he raised a brow. "What an idiot," I grinned at him but he didn't gave an attention to it. "You love them both."

"That's the problem here!" I said with an annoyed tone. Are we going back and forth to the subject!?

"No," he said while slowly shaking his head. "The words 'bad' and 'poor' are synonyms, but they are used in a different way. You can say that "I am a bad person" if you're doing illegal or wrong things as a habit, but you can't say "I am a bad person" if you are financially suffering."

It strucked me. The truth strucked me. I finally understood their difference. 

"You love the other as a someone, and you are in love with the other because he is a someone."

I smiled ar Jr. I hugged him. I hugged Marianne afterwards who hugged back, and then I hurriedly stood up. "I'm calling Jackson to meet him. Bye, guys!" I waved at them. It feels so good to know the truth.

Jr.'s eyes widened, "Hey, you're choosing the wrong person!" he pointed me, and I started to run. "You're in love with BamBam!" Marianne added. I just smiled without turning back to them. I called Jackson to meet me at the rooftop of our building as soon as possible.

It's right. I was in love with Jackson before, not today. 

I love Jackson, but I am in love with BamBam. 

It feels so good to know yourself; to have the truth unveiled.

When I arrived the rooftop, he was up there, looking from here down the grounds while waiting for me. The creek of the door caught his attention, driving it on me.

He plainly smiled.

I approached him and looked up to him.

The first thing I did was hug him. I felt his arms hugging me back. We loosened at the same time, looking at each other's eyes sincerely. My smile broke the silence. "Thank you for being a part of my life." I looked down before I half smiled.

"What do you mean?" he asked with confusion.

"I just.. found the one I truly love." I looked at him again with a happy expression.

From a slightly disappointed face, I can see that he tried to smile. "I-I'm happy for you." he tried to look at me as straight as possible.

"Take care of Aril, okay? And she should take care of you, too. I don't want to see you crying again."

We smiled at each other, sign that I can already go. I slowly walked away, and he shouting my name stopped me. "Chae Rim!" for a second, I appreciated my Korean Name. I turned around at him, waiting for him to continue what he wanted to say. "Is that a goodbye?" 

I smiled while shaking my head, "No. Definitely never will I say goodbye."

His disappointed look turned into a very bright and cheerful smile. "I'll always be here for you. I'll always love you as Jackson Wang." I felt happy too. slowly turning around, I went down the stairs feeling great.

When I was going down, I bumped into Yugyeom, one of BamBam's best friends. "Have you seen BamBam?" I asked to him, even though this is my first time to talk to him.

"Oh?" he said when he returned to his senses. "Oh. He was going to the train station to go home," after he said that, I ran as fast as I could and then shouted, "Thank you!" because I really don't have time. I want him to know how I really feel as soon as possible; I'm afraid it may fade anytime.

When I reached the train station, I bought a ticket just to enter, even though I know I'd use this for this time only. When I saw him, I shouted, "BamBam!" catching his attention. I was catching my breath, supporting my upper body with my knees, slightly bending. 

"As a girl with dignity, stand straight. I don't want others to see what's beneath that very short school skirt." he elegantly said, which made me smile. He approached me and pushed my shoulder so I could stand straight. We're looking at each other. The feeling is intense.

When he let go of me, we both stepped back to give each other a space. My heart is really beating fast. I'm sure this is not because of running, but because he was already in front of me.

"You've been with me on almost every significant event: happiness, sadness, anything. We've been always together. And I can't believe how much time it took me before I realized this:" I paused. He already knew what I was going to say. He was waiting for it. A smile is already ready to be flashed.

"I am in love with--" he hugged be so tight after, leaving me no choice but to hug back. "you." he hugged me tighter. "I didn't realize you also fell. We fell together." I can feel his breathing in my neck. Good thing there weren't a lot of people this afternoon, because this would be so embarassing.

Yet, what's important is how we both feel for each other.

"I am also in love with you, Park Chae Rim." I don't know what to say. "So much." we both loosened our hug at each other when the sound of the train was coming.

When it stopped at the station, I waved at him. He wasn't moving at his place. I wonder why.

"What?" I asked.

"What?" he asked back. "I'm waiting." I raised a brow.

He sighed. "I know what happened on your date with Jackson," he closed his eyes and opened it. "You kissed him in the cheek." he angrily pouted. 

I chuckled, He was Jealous. "He was a friend." I explained.

"Can't I get one?" he tried to look cute. I laughed while shaking my head as a disapproval. "We're not friends." 

His forehead wrinkled, "Okay then." he pouted and raised his hands, palm facing upward as a sign of 'Well, we have no choice'. "We're not friends, so.." he didn't finish his sentenced and kissed me passionately in the lips. It was a bit surprising though. It wasn't that long, but it felt like forever. "Just kidding." he kissed me on my forehead after.

I waved at him when he entered the train and shouted, "Bye, Pinky!"

He jokingly rolled his eyes at me before smiling at me. He waved back.

end.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

AAAAAAAAAAGH I REALLY FEEL EMPTY AFTER FINISHING THE LAST CHAPTER. This is not the very last though, for there will be an Epilogue written in a different Point of View. Was it worthy? ;A; tell me!

After the Epilogue would be a FAQ all about the questions in this story possibly running in your mind. And on the 25th, will be the 24 signs of Autumn (yay!! I changed the title LMAO) and as an additional clue, He is from EXO-K. 

and yes I'll post the Epilogue maybe later or tomorrow. I LOVE YOU AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL <3