XII.
It was already 6 when I left the cafe. I decided to walk home alone, still thinking of JB's words. Maybe he was frank because he wants me to realize something. After all, we're soulmates. We're twins in a separate womb.

I sighed and hugged my legs when I sat down before laying down the slope that leads to the river. I looked up; I saw the beautiful palette of the sunset. "Relaxing," I whispered to myself and calmly shouted for freedom. I want to let go of all my subdued thoughts for a while. I am drowned by them, and I wonder if I'll ever ascend from it.

I almost jumped when I felt footsteps from in the grass. It was BamBam. I sat properly, hugging my legs again. "Hello." I awkwardly greeted. I think he also felt the awkward aura between us. I can't help but to be awkward, since I am thinking of what JB said awhile ago. I think I already know what he means.

"I know what happened yesterday," he said, looking at me and looking at the sky afterwards. I felt guilty.

"Nah," I shook my head. "I bet he was the one who invited my parents to take a leave and come home. After all, my parents know him." after saying those words, I knew that I uttered the wrong words. His calm look turned into an angry one yet a disappointed face. 

"How did they knew him?" he tried to stay calm. I had no choice but to answer the truth. "I told them. We know each other for years, and it can't be hidden. Besides, I am regularly going to his apartment before." I just want to know how he'll react, but my last sentence made me feel guilty.

"Am I not good enough?" he said with a sad tone. I was shock not because of what he said, but because of the idea that came into my mind after saying that and after remembering the summarization of what JB said to me when we were in the cafe.

I love him. I love BamBam. It's not just plain infatuation; it is real love that I've never thought and I've never realized from the very beginning. I can't believe I just realized these things today. After the long run, it wasn't already Jackson. Everything change when I met him. The cheery truth that slapped my face felt ironic yet pleasurable, knowing to myself that he loved me the way I loved him back. I wasn't waiting for anything anymore when he came.

By that thought, a cheery smile curved my lips.

"Say," I forgot he was still waiting for my answer. I am thinking of happy thoughts while the atmosphere today is sad.

There are still things that are holding me back. Currently, he was worrying about everything, not knowing how much I love him. I don't want to confess today: what if these are all just infatuation? What if I was just captivated for a moment? I don't want him to set himself with high hopes; I don't want to hurt his feelings. I am sure about him being special for me, but the thing that I am not sure is if the feeling is sure. I don't want to conclude, especially when the one I am talking with is myself.

"I am not saying that you aren't," I defensively answered.

"But you aren't also saying that I am." he plainly answered. 

"You think I won't be wearing this if you aren't good enough?" he looked at the sweater I am wearing and I am waiting for his happy expression. He half-smiled after. And that's not satisfying, since I am waiting for a broad and full smile.

"You..." he paused. "still love him?" I looked up away and sighed looked at him. I don't want to lie, but this is the truth. I don't know. "Yes." I answered and watch him remove his focus on me. I closed my eyes for a while. His feelings were hurt! I can't believe myself!

I lied, but at the same time, told the truth. Well, he never asked if I love him.

He is giving me the poorest and most disappointed look he could ever do. A finger of guilt touched me, making me look down. The sun has completely set, making me look at the sky and at him afterwards. I can feel the tension between us; making me wonder if he also feels butterflies in his stomach and a fast beat of heart. "Let's go home?" I asked to break the tension apart. He didn't reply, but instead, stood up and offered his hand to me so I could stand properly. We're in a slope and I might fall.

I might fall.. in the river. or maybe I might fall.. in love deeper with him.

Today felt different. He maybe realized that there was a wall set between us, so no one dares to break the silence. Before, we are so noisy that a nosy old woman even scolded us for being 'showy teen couples' and such. 

The silence was broken was tripped by a rock, and hit knee in a rock after. He looked so concern on me, kneeling in front of me and then asked, "Are you okay?!" looking at me and my wound repeatedly.

"Y-Yes," I tried to stand and luckily, I could. It hurts, but he still isn't walking. "Obviously, you can't." he shook his head slowly, still with a worried face. "Come on blondy," he faced back, leaned forward a bit and looked at me before he tapped his back. "Piggyback ride?" I questioned. I admit it hurts, so I didn't hesitate. He sat and hugged him from the back. He stood up and jumped slightly to push me up. He was holding my feet and I've got my arms crossed in him.

I can live for this moment in eternity.

He looked back. "Why?" I asked. "Just wondering if there are boys at the back of us. You're wearing our school's very short skirt and I am carrying you. There may be a tendency that your underwear may be seen." he said in a very calm tone. I tightened my hug on him and leaned on his head more. He looked at me for a second. Maybe he felt it.

He brought me down in the entrance of our house. Good thing the bleeding stopped. It was so bad awhile ago.

"Feeling better?" I nodded even though I actually don't. I don't want to be spoiled by him or something. I half-smiled and looked down. I feel my cheeks turning red.

He touched my hair. I hugged him for a second after. "Good night," he whispered. "I will never be tired of loving you, Jang Chae Rim." he kissed my forehead before completely going. I feel secure.

But this feeling is still doubting. I don't deserve him.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

AAAAAAAND YEAH. Basically I was done spelling BLACK EYELINER in the chapters, but doesn't mean that the story is already done. No. There'll be few more chapters til the ending and the epilogue, and I am glad to tell you updates will be hella fast since it's already our summer vacation!!! *drinks a bottle of party confettis*

((this is in bright orange so your eyes would all hurt and read this note what))