Chapter 4: Ice Cold

Three fansigns and two SHINee Korean comebacks have passed and I already completed my “gift chain” for Jonghyun. It composed of a ball cap with the word “MY” written in gold, a chocolate bar named “LAST” and a two-inch toy shaped like a wrapped present and when opened contained a bouncy Jonghyun doll (that I manually carved using fallen branches during the last typhoon, the doll was donned with red velvet coat and a red hat, revealing it’s abs that are sloppily shaped) on a spring; almost identical to a clown in a box.

“WAIT FOR MY LAST GIFT”..

...was the main thought of all my hardships for these past few months. However, after that encounter on the cake shop, that smile that I owned and considered mine, I never saw it again.

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January 24

A sea of heads and hats was in front of me, almost 400 people wanted to go in. I was too naïve to think luck is my best friend: my name never got picked. Of course you know I’m dumb but I never should have expected that one album would be my ticket to see that smile I longed for and dreamt about every night. With heavy footsteps, I trotted the busy streets of Seoul, went home, and drank hot soup.

Well, maybe next time. I miss you so much Jjongie. J

January 28

Five albums that costs two months of apartment rent went down deep into the drain. I’m just forcing myself to write; to let this all out. Maybe these sheets of paper will un-crumple my heart.

When I handed him my third gift, he just looked up, not a single emotion in his eyes, not even mere recognition. Am I that easy to forget? I thought all his laughs that night and that one smile meant for me were genuine; plucked unconsciously from his beautiful heart. Am I wrong? I’m sorry diary, you’re all wet now.

February 1

As to how I could still write, I don’t know.

I’m nearing the end of my gift chain and I’m nearing the end of my patience, too. Instead of mopping around, like red blanket, anger covered my grey sadness.

Jonghyun didn’t even look at my gift; just signed my album and smiled at the next fan. I felt the steam going out my nose.

IS HE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE??? IS HE TRYING TO TEASE ME???

If so, it pains me so much.

May 30

I think he doesn’t even remember. Maybe he doesn’t even look at my gifts. Who am I to think I made a lasting impression to an idol? I’m nothing. I should go back to what I was once long ago; that happy, funny girl who only cared about my sister.

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June 5, day of the next fan-signing

Lions. Red. White. Orange. Swirls. Waves.

They’re coming; with the soft pads of their paws touching the red soil, they inch toward me. How many are they? Three? Four? Ah, five. They’re about 10 meters away from me and they look infuriated, did I accidentally made their cubs into my dinner?

Pain in my wrist became my next worry, like a million black army ants are nibbling on my skin. Of course, I was tied to a tree. Burning swirls of what it seemed, clouds, in the sky are moving fast and becoming more intense that made me think a music conductor is nearby, his arms almost removed from the sockets of his shoulders in an angered performance.

How can be there lions in Seoul? The torture of their slow pace turned into a soul-wrecking faster speed. Walk became a trot and then eventually into a gallop. I wanted to scream so loud but my throat was bleeding, the drops of blood made a small pool between my legs.

I looked back up. 5 meters. 3 meters. 2…

All five lions transformed into Jonghyun. They offered me their hands at the same time but I can’t reach out since I’m still tied up.  Just then, big blobs of water fell from my eyes and washed all the color in the surroundings; even the five Jonghyuns appeared to be oil paint on canvass, starting to fade away because of the river that was my tears. The sky, the ground, every single detail of this place I’m in, became white.

“Miss…”

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My eyes flung open.

“Miss, your ticket please” said the lanky man with big googly eyes; he looked like he had too much coffee early in the morning.

I sleepily reached inside my cluttered bag and pulled out the ticket. There’s something odd and sticky on the side of my lips until my left cheek, though.

Sh*t, I was drooling; this is so embarrassing. No wonder that man’s eyes looked shocked. I pretended to look at something on the left side of the bus, raised my shoulder and un-obviously wiped my saliva off.

Thirty minutes until I arrive in Seoul. Yesterday was my parents’ 10th death anniversary so I came back home and celebrated it with my sister. I would've wanted to stay longer, but I talked with myself and decided that I should just give this jonghyun-thing one last chance.

Jonghyun..

My dream..

The lions, burning sky and dripping blood came back to me and tugged my heart so hard. I’m shaken. My throat dried up by just thinking about how terrifying that dream was; it could mean anything and I don’t want to think that it’s a bad omen for today. I guess my brain is just so sick of thinking of Jonghyun from the moment I wake up until I take off my make-up at night.

I don’t know what happened to him. Or was it me? Do I have a problem that sets off his ‘get away from me’ alarm? The walls and the flickering lights of my shabby room know all my loud sobbing that somehow resembles a howling wolf who just lost his mate everytime I go to a fansign and go home with no memories but his angelic face and his cold treatment. To the other fans, he’s smiling or shaking hands, but for me, there’s nothing. Nada. Zero.

Today is the last chance I’m going to fool myself. After I give this last gift and still nothing, I would move on and not look back ever again. It’s been fun chasing around Jonghyun. I was starting to tear up when I saw an ice cream shop.

“I should get something cold to lessen the heat on my face later.” I told myself.

With my bag slung over my kind-of-wet shoulder, I got off the bus. I crossed the road and…

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*BANG*

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.

There was screaming and screeching. It was so loud but the voices and honking started to fade.

Red soaked my sight but black overtook it in a matter of seconds.

Silence. Darkness. Goodbye?