Author's Note: 

I decided to update again ^^

For this chapter, would you do me a favor? XD

Please listen to this, either with full volume or just a background noise while your reading.

Playlist

PS: I'm so nervous about this Chapter; I hope you like it.

*fingers crossed*

Chapter 25: Please Don’t Go

He looked at the polaroids, one by one he inspected them. Minho was holding up a “v” sign above air, was it supposed to be put on Chun Hei’s head? In another, Onew was pointing to his right, smiling brightly at nothing. There was a large space between Key and Taemin as they were candidly putting on stupid faces. As he shifted to look at his own polaroid, he found himself alone, staring so lovingly to his left, eyes glassy because of too much happiness, it seems.

He tried to shake it off. No. Chun Hei even kissed his forehead last night, he wasn’t dreaming. Although her words were hazy, he was pretty sure she said ‘I love you’ a lot of times. He scoffed.

Why am I worrying too much? She’s probably in the kitchen, cooking breakfast, like she always does. He thought to himself, trying to regain the good mood. Yes, she’ll be where I expect her to be. Maybe polaroids are just like this.

Last night in my dreams, you drew close to me
Your whispered words, your hair that brushed against my face

He tried to deny the doubt that’s starting to get bigger inside, so, skipping like a child, he went to the kitchen. In his head, he already formed an image of Chun Hei’s back, her apron tied on her waist, humming a happy tone as she chop vegetables. It was to his disappointment to find, a clean kitchen, no breakfast, no Chun Hei, just the loud, echoing drip of the faucet. Hope not going down the drain, he proceeded to the living room where she’d usually be chatting with Key about random things like aliens and dolphins, but again, no Chun Hei, only disarranged scattered pillows on the floor, the remnants of last night’s fun. He rushed to Onew’s room, his steps now heavier yet faster, where he’d always catch her putting up additional sheep on the leader’s wall. No Chun Hei. He scanned all the other rooms to find s fast asleep, he wanted to see Chun Hei, but to no avail. Why is she not in the dorm when she’s supposed to be trapped here?

When I woke up from my dream, it was all too clear
That your presence was nothing but a dream
The tears in my eyes told me

“Chun Hei!!!!” His eyes were dark, his hands clenched into fists.

“Don’t ing joke around! I’ll never talk to you again if you continue this!!” Though his shouts were enough to shake awake all his sleeping friends, the ends of his sentences were of his sobs and his cracked voice.

He stood there, in their very own living room, where a lot of their memories were shared. From the day of their never ending screams when they found out she was a ghost, the day when they all got drunk and she was their only audience, to the day he wanted to throw the cabinet to Onew and Chun Hei because he was jealous, the day when he gave her silver roses and his thawed heart, until last night, their first and probably last kiss, happened. He stood there, motionless, confused, denying, and helpless.

Staring blankly at the wall, big blobs started pooling on the floor, each drop a painful echo. Why?

He was more than convinced that this was a nightmare.

You can't, you can't, don't leave like this
Please just one more time, one more time, hold me in your arms again
The next time I close my eyes to meet you
Hold me as I stay still in that spot

As he ran outside, s silently followed him, dead worried about what he’d do. He drove and drove, frantically looking at every corner of Seoul’s busy streets, occasionally punching his steering wheel, making Key jump up and lay his head on Onew’s shoulder, discreetly shedding tears. Seeing Jonghyun like this, to the four of them, it is more than terrifying.

“Chun Hei!! Chun Hei!! Where are you?! Neko!! Answer me!” With his window rolled down, he shouted with all his might, his tears never drying despite the strong wind attacking his face. He came back to Coo Coo Cake Shop, remembering her stupid face when she gave him the coins, to the fansign locations, recalling every single facial expression she had made, every weak smile he ignored and every frown as she left; he was the biggest idiot for taking them for granted.

But again, no Chun Hei.

“You liar! To hell with your what ifs!”

“Jjong, please calm down, you’re hyperventilating. Let’s exchange, I’m gonna drive us home for now.” Minho said in a low, melancholic voice.

With the click of the seat belt, Jonghyun laid his head back, his breathing already irregular, the heart-tearing moans starting to louden, occasionally brushing of the damp hair out of face with his fingers. His right arm was hiding his now swollen eyes, his other hand covering his mouth, trying hard to contain the outbursts; he knows, he’s not stopping anytime soon.

Even when I open my eyes, only your figure is clear
That your presence was nothing but a dream
The sadness reflected in my tears told me

Don’t leave me. He kept repeating that inside his head, in the hope of seeing his girlfriend again back home, but inside, he’s starting to be void of feeling, his chest starting to hollow and numb where his heart was supposed to be, it’s a feeling so perplexing yet it does one cruel thing, it’s breaking him, to pieces, to dust, to nothing. He’s trapped in a dark place, it has no corners, no openings, and just an infinite stretch of black, there’s no escape. Emptiness. Grief. Love lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jjong!!!!! No!” Key shouted on the top of his lungs.

He tore Jonghyun’s sleeve when he pulled him away, trying to stop him from creating a hole on the wall of their dorm. He was late though; inspecting their main vocal’s fist, it was already full of blisters and oozing with blood, the whole of his right hand, red and swelling.

“Jonghyun, please don’t do this to yourself. Chun Hei wouldn’t like it.” Key threw himself to hug the other, his face a contortion in the attempt of holding back his tears. On the floor, he noticed the box Jonghyun had ordered to fit a certain fan’s gifts. Now it makes sense, they were all Chun Hei’s presents to him and they were all scattered on the living room.

“Th-then she should c-come here and stop m-me!”

You can't, you can't, don't leave like this
Please just one more time, one more time, hold me in your arms again

“Jjong please. You’re hurting us all. Please. Stop.”

“Hyung! Hyung! A letter was under your pillow!” Taemin came out of their room, urgently waving a piece of paper in his hand. Still out of breath, he reached for the creased letter with his trembling, injured hand.

His heart was a bomb, on countdown to burst.

My Jonghyun,

In case anything unforeseen happens after I write this, I just want you to know that I’m so happy and thankful I got the chance to know the real you, to love you and to be loved by you, Jjong. You gave me happiness that’s enough for a whole lifetime. You’re right, I never regret a thing, and it was the best choice that I’ve made in my life. You are the most amazing human being I’ve ever known, a person like you deserves so much love, remember that.

My honey, baby, sweetheart, soulmate, if ever I go to a nicer place anytime soon, you are free to forget me, to find someone new, to love someone even more than you love me. I won’t cry, I won’t be jealous, maybe just a little envious of how she’d be able to touch your hair, caress your cheeks and kiss your lips. Destiny is cruel right? But trust me, it will be better, sooner or later.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved you with everything that I am, with everything that I was and with everything that I will be. I loved you fervently enough to transcend dimensions but it has come to me that I was brought here for a greater cause, to do something that’s for a greater good, what that might be, I believe you will find out soon.

Even if I’m not there, I will be watching. Promise me you won’t be afraid to love again? Know that you will need strength from others, so it’s okay to give in and let go. I want you to be happy.

Anyways, if you’re crying then stop, if you’re smiling then continue, because I am about to give you my last gift. Remember our little game in the past? Yes, my last gift is here. Cherish it. Take care of it. Love it like you love me. Treasure it, for the rest of your life. This is my last favour, Jjong.

LAST GIFT: Yongsan-gu, Seocho neighbourhood, Jung-Ah Appartments, 3^rd floor, Room 3, Seoul

Jonghyun, if the heavens will me to live my life again, I will still choose to love you.

I love you. Forever. Through life and death.

PS: Everything happens for a reason.

Love,

Your Chun Hei

I try and even though I try
I insist, I insist
Come back to me
 

With his sweaty hands, Jonghyun gripped the paper, hard. Through hiccups and whimpers, he smiled, because to him, there was a kindle of hope.

She might be still alive.