Silencio Bella

Compensation

The moon glistened so beautifully in the dark expanse of sky, twinkling stars that mark as a witness of a tragedy that won’t be ever forgotten in the constellation’s history. The sight of red made the moon so disgusted that it hid its presence by the dark soldiers of the sky, preventing even a mournful light for the splattered hint of death.

Two bodies were sprawled on the cold, black ground, a quick disperse of red blanketing the road. It turns out that when Jongdae had jumped in to save Minseok from being hit by the car, both of them got hit, yet Jongdae was mostly severely injured since he was the one who got hit first and Minseok only followed.

The deafening crash was unbearable that night, everything turned into a slow motion and everyone was too petrified to even move from the unbelievable scene that had happened before their eyes. The two bodies were in a slightly far distance between each other, yet one would be able to distinguish who got the key to death.

Minseok felt pain in all of his body, burning and breaking him ‘till he turned to ash. It was too unbearable, yet his heart throb in fear rather than in pain and he remembered. Opening his eyes with difficulty as breathing, he saw his position to be rather in a wrong angle and that he can’t distinguish the whirl in his mind for a moment since the pain that his body is making made him cry out in utter pain.

He gasps for air, trying to calm his panicky nerves and focus on what to do. The first thing he did was that he tried to sit up and thankfully, he was able to, yet the howl of pain that followed after tells a different story of his condition. He howls more when he tried to move and Minseok figured that he might have broken a rib or two and it’s doing a great job out the air he need.

When he barely got a hold of himself, he looks in front of him and he feels his heart drop at that moment. Jongdae. Without caring on how his body will bear the consequences of moving too fast and abrupt, he went by the younger’s side, hands trembling so hard that the immediate pain shoots up throughout his body making him grit his teeth hard.

“Jongdae,” he calls out, feeling his voice raspy and strained. The blood on his face felt different for awhile, yet Minseok knew that Jongdae got it worse than his. Jongdae’s condition was indescribable and it almost made him puke, yet he didn’t, instead he tries to comprehend on what to do and panic got a hold of his body.

“Ambulance!” he shouts in frantic. The words slip out too fast from his mouth before he could even realize. Turning his body was hard, but he endured it and his frantic eyes met with the shocked ones. When he saw that no one was calling an ambulance, anger riled up on him despite the unimaginable pain that his body is feeling.

“What the do you think are you doing? Call an ambulance!” he yells at them so hard that his voice became so strange before him. The people were startled for a moment, before some of them took out their phones and yells in frantic, jumbled words becoming too common.

Minseok turns back to Jongdae, trying to check if he’s still breathing. Though it may seem impossible, but Minseok still wished a miracle to happen. He prays, begging God to let Jongdae live and it becomes hard to breathe. So short and hard.

The extraction of pain throughout his body became too unbearable anymore and the last thing he saw and heard was the bloodied face of Jongdae and the siren of the ambulance before blacking out.

I woke up with a gasp, eyes frantic and heart beating hysterically in fear and panic. Bullets of sweat trailed down, soaking my shirt and hair in the process, reflecting how much of a nightmare I had. A nightmare that couldn’t be defined in any forms and too hard to even swallow.

“Nightmare,” I whispered to myself as my lips tremble as I spoke. I didn’t realize until then that my frame is shaking, the darkness of my room assisting to my shivering that seemingly mocks me for my pathetic condition. I tried calming my heart, but it continues to pound heavily against my chest and my nightmare ever so vivid in my mind.

“Water,” I mumbled unconsciously as my throat suddenly itches and my thirst for water heightens in an uncontrollable feeling. I caught sight of the time as I prepared to leave my bed. 3:35 am. Too dark. Too early. I’m not going back to my bed anytime soon. Not now or ever.

I slipped off my bed too easily and dragged my heavy body down to the kitchen. Steps timid and short on the cold floor as I approached my fridge, only to be greeted with my supply stocks of food to be empty and only jugs of water present in the poor, melancholic fridge of mine, I sighed. Though it may seem to be pitiful, I didn’t care and merely got the jug and glass from the cupboard and poured ‘till almost the tip.

Bringing the cup to my lips, I tried to drink, yet my lips refused to open and let me drink the water to soothe my trembling form. I tried, but in the end I placed the full glass on the counter and cursed in frustration.

This is another night of an unnatural awakening from sleep. It doesn’t bother me, though it keeps me from having a healthy condition and Dr. Kim had warned me about it that I might get sick and might be put in the bed. That thought gave me little worry, but remembering about the duty that I need to upheld, I tried to make myself in the best and fittest condition I could ever make which leads to an impossibility since I always wake up in an unnatural hour and never get back to sleep.  I suspect that I get at least 3 to 4 hours of sleep every day and I think I really may ruin my health.

“Minseok hyung.”

The air suddenly caught up in my throat, abrupt and too immediate to even realize. I didn’t notice that I’ve been hyperventilating since the voice I heard, loud and clear that it continues to ring in my ears. His voice. It’s back. The round of hour is here again.

“Jongdae.” His name slipped out of my mouth just before I could even realize. My heart pounds and his voice continue to ring in my ears. It’s definitely his voice. Broken and filled with agony. His voice struck my heart, making me almost choke at the impact and I placed my hands on my ears to block it out, yet it continues and I knew this wouldn’t end.

My nightmare wouldn’t end.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I yawned. Too tired and sleepy to keep my mind functioning well. Things have gone whirl after the voice and it got me up until 6 am and I took a nap for 30 minutes to replenish half of my energy that I lost. After taking care of the morning business, I went to the bread shop to buy Jongdae’s favourite breads since I lost the touch of making breads last 3 years ago.

Taking out the bills from my wallet, I paid for the breads and picked up the plastic and smiled to the cashier before taking my leave. It’s been a month since I visited the bread shop and when I thought of the bland foods that Jongdae has, I decided to get him some bread.

Walking down the concrete road, I noticed that life became a bit too dull for my liking. Too dull and passive. I wonder why? I’m not complaining, but I just noticed it and can’t help the anxiety that builds up in my chest. Halting my steps, I shook my head and dismissed the thought. What was I thinking? I shouldn’t dwell on my emotions for I no longer need it on this kind of time.

When I got a hold of myself, I resumed my walk and hoped that this day would be good.

Who am I kidding? Fate is cruel enough to play our lives; of course it won’t give me the satisfaction of having a good day at all. I was never lucky to have the blessing.

When I got to the hospital and stopped right in front of his room, I took a deep breath and knocked first before opening the door, revealing a messy sight in which I internally sighed. Totally not a good start for this day. Closing the door, I carefully manoeuvred my way along inside the room, cautiously trying not to step on the fragments of glasses and vase on the floor. Clothes ripped, dolls shredded to pieces, books in half and other mess were scattered on the floor and I could only do was sigh in distress of the cleaning that I have to do.

I didn’t sight Jongdae on his bed or anywhere particular in the room. I figured that the doctor must have taken him to the MRI since he mentioned it to me once that he’ll have it by the following days and I guess today is the day.  Placing the breads on the table not too far away from the bed, I took the broom and started cleaning the mess.

After a few minutes as I was halfway cleaning, the door opened and I was about to welcome him when I noticed that it was Dr. Kim who came inside.

“Oh, Minseok. You’re here.” Dr. Kim smiled and I smiled back.  “Jongdae has been taken to the MRI in case you didn’t know.”

I laughed, almost. I already knew beforehand and he doesn’t need to tell me about it. But due to respect, I just nodded and thanked him for letting me know. The smile on his face was present until he realized something that made his smile turned into a frown.

“Did he make a mess again?” he asks and I just nodded. The remaining mess still present on the floor showed Jongdae’s previous hysterics. I guess they forced him to get his blood again. I told them how many times how Jongdae hated it and they still won’t listen. I sighed and wondered how many damages he dealt to the nurses and doctors this time. His nails are too long now.

Dr. Kim pursed his lips for awhile before he left without a word, leaving me all alone in this room. I guess it gave him a headache to know that Jongdae caused a ruckus once again and I couldn’t really blame him about it. I gazed at the remaining mess and swept the mess and threw it to the bin. Returning the broom to the far end corner of the room, I stretched my sore body, feeling the pain shot through my back and I had to lean my body to the wall for support.

I momentarily gazed at Jongdae’s bed. His words echoing in my mind over and over again that I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down. After I took note that I’m well enough, I made my way to his bed and breathed in his mint scent, the scent that always puts me to ease and warm. I took the chair under his bed and slowly rested my head on the soft mattress; the choking feeling once came over again.

“What happened? Why…why am I like this?!”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered hoarsely. My voice suddenly became strained and too hard to control. The feelings I kept swelled and resurfaced once again and I closed my eyes to forget it, but I know that I can’t. Tears spilled from my eyes and I didn’t bother trying to stop the whimper from leaving my lips as I gripped the sheets when the memories of that day resurfaces once again and I, once again, remembered the horror and defeat of Jongdae’s face, his hysteric and broken cries, demanding me to answer his unanswerable question.

It’s too much to bear, but I have to. I wouldn’t be at peace until I make amends of my mistake and until I had everything patched everything up together in the right places. Though the pain may have been too hard to bear, I’m reminded of Luhan. A boy who’s caught up in time and a puppet of fate. A poor fellow who got his ending in a horrible way. I already heard a lot from his life, where his parents took him away from his lover and how he kept the other man waiting for 7 years. They never met and finally when it came to their ending, his lover gave up on him. A tragic ending and I could almost see the smile from fate’s lips.

I weigh myself together with his, but I knew he got it worse than I. But I didn’t remind of my situation to compare with Luhan’s, but rather serve as a reminder to me that there are also other people who is suffering. Not only me, but also others who got it far worse than mine. That I’m not the only pity soul in the world.

When I got a hold of myself, I sniffled a few times before lifting my head off from the bed, the sound of the door opening slipped off from the range of my hearing and Jongdae’s voice caught me startled.

“What are you doing?” His voice is so cold. Utterly cold and stern that I flinched. I will never get used to it. I quickly stood up and looked behind me and met his blank gaze. I didn’t notice Luhan was the nurse until I looked up and saw him threw me an apologetic smile.

“I leave Jongdae to your care, Minseok. He’s done for today and he could have the rest of the day,” Luhan informs me before bowing and takes his leave. When the door closed, Jongdae repeated his question. Like a dog cornered, I stuttered out my answer without realizing.

“I-I was just…um…i-it’s nothing.” Pathetic, really. Jongdae glared at me before tearing his gaze away and wheeled himself towards the bed and I could feel my heart breaking once again. When he stopped, he didn’t move and I almost forgot what I need to do until he reminded me about it.

“R-right.” I quickly helped him up, putting his arm around my neck and tried to shift half of his weight to me and got him to his bed with much difficulty. I watch him clench his jaw tightly as he tried to find a comfortable position and when he did, he covered his bandaged legs with the blanket.

I bit my lips when I moved the wheelchair behind his bed and prepared the bread, knowing that he won’t decline it. As much as I wanted to believe that he won’t decline it, I guess today is a bit different. When I handed him his favourite bread, he harshly slapped away my hand, but thankfully, the bread didn’t drop to the floor.

“I’m not in the mood to eat,” he spoke flatly and I merely nod and placed the plate on the nightstand.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked and he looked at me with dead eye. Through he may be different now; I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by his features. Everything is still the same except for his blank and soulless eye.

Yes, an eye and not eyes. He lost the capability to see from his right eye that caught him choking and demanded that it should be bandaged so that it wouldn’t kill him that he won’t ever get back half of his sight, that he could at least pretend that it got hurt and that it needs time to heal to get back his right eye right back on the track. But the misery doesn’t end there when both of his legs were fractured to pieces and the doctor darkly and solemnly dictated that he won’t be able to walk anymore. That he will forever be in a wheelchair and won’t ever get the feeling to walk, run and jump again.

That day when he got his conscious again, I knew that his life had ended. That he won’t be the same anymore. That everything changed. That our future is missing. He lost his eye and legs and I lost him. I wish I could lose something like my arms, but no, I didn’t. Instead I lost him.

His agony. His broken and hysteric cries, demanding why and the moment when I saw his life crumbling into pieces, Kim Jongdae died. I will forever be haunted by the pain and darkness he had and I knew that I’m the only one living and had to pay for it all.

Too caught in my train of thoughts, I snapped back to reality when Jongdae’s voice sliced through with my thoughts. I dumbly answered a ‘huh’ and he growls at me in disapproval.

“Get out. I don’t want to see you. Having to deal with pesky s is enough and seeing you fuels my anger and I don’t want to lose my sanity yet. So leave,” he spoke without regard for my feelings and I felt tears well up in my eyes.

“Jongdae,” I called his name in desperation to not send me out and I received a hiss in response.

“Leave.” His voice stern and commanding and I had no choice, but to obey. I nodded my head and hanged my head low so that he won’t see my tears and quickly left his room. I leaned on the door for a moment as I tried to keep myself together, the stinging pain in my eyes burns like fire so much that I had to close it for a moment.

Good thing, no one is at the hallway for a moment and I quickly left. Away from his domain and from him. Away from the pain and tears. Away from the whimpers and cry from the other side of the room.

I didn’t think I’ll be out until evening. Not that I care, anyways, but I’m only worried of how Jongdae would react when I get there. It doesn’t matter if I would get hurt or something, I just don’t want to build up the stress and burden he had been carrying all this time and I vowed that I will help him decrease it, although much protest from the latter.

Now that I think of it, he was the one who told me to leave and I did, but I never took the measure of staying out for long and it made me somehow guilty about it. I’m not starting a rebellion, am I? No. I’m not. What am I thinking? I vowed that I’ll always be by his side no matter what and nothing will change until death.

I feel heavy when I thought about it. Not really good especially when I’m close to approaching his room. The night is dark and the moon is hidden and my heart feels heavy together with my steps as I stopped in front of his domain. I silently prayed that he wouldn’t be so angry at me when I enter if ever he is awake at this kind of hour. After assuring myself that everything would be okay, I held the knob and slowly twisted it and pushed, revealing to me a dark, silent room.

The light is turned off even the lamp too. The room is cold a bit and I noticed that everything is much in place when I closed the door, nothing in disorder or misplace. Not too long, I sighted him in his bed, his thick, large and comfortable blanket draped all over his body from chest to toe to give him warmth from the chilly night and cold room. I sighed; my lips almost curled up in a small smile as I made my way to the AC and turned the switch to low. This won’t make him cold.

After turning the switch, I slowly approached his bed and stopped when I got to see his sleeping form. My eyes softened when I saw the exhaustion and pain in his face, my heart melting to the unending understanding. His eyebrows slightly furrowed as if his nightmare is starting and the sudden clench of his eyes and teeth proves it and I smiled sadly, the bitter pain lit up again.

 I understand him. Forever will I and will always be. The pain he bore will always be the symbol of my crime. It wasn’t because of what had happened that day where he and I lost everything. It wasn’t because of the high school years or the scars, but rather everything that he gave to me. That is my crime. He gave his everything to me and I never returned any of those. He always forgives, give everything he had ‘till everything is gone from him, not a single ounce for him and I had taken advantage of it, used it and ruined his life. His studies, future and heart. Everything.

And that would be my crime.

A crime that is impossible to be paid off, yet I dared try. Because I love him so much that I can’t give up on him. I love him so much that I need to return what he had lost. Return everything he had done for me and given me. Everything ‘till his heart is healed and when he loves me once again.

Though everything may be difficult, I’ll still cling to hope. No matter what happens, until the end comes, I’ll continue to be at his side and compensate.

Hello! So the second chapter is up and yes, it's in Minseok's POV.

I guess you now know what happened to Jongdae, huh? He lost his right eye and legs from saving Minseok. A tragic event that happened last 3 years ago. I was planning to put it up in the author's POV, but I decided to let you know how Minseok feels and know what his crime is. So who hates fate? I'll leave to you what you think about fate.

Guess that's all and hope to hear your comments! Comments are loved <3

See u soon ;)