Turnabout 04:

The Weight of Loving pt.4

[Jongin’s Point of View]

What should I do? I know I ed things up ever since that day and I know I should apologize to Kyungsoo hyung and explain it more clearly to him why I did that, but I’m honestly scared to do that right now that I don’t know actually what to do. What am I supposed to do at this point? I mean, I like him. I really do. But…

“I can’t do it!” I cried out in woe.

“You do know it’s your fault, right?” Chanyeol uttered mockingly before taking a sip of his tea.

Kris shakes his head and solemnly said, “stop being a coward and just apologize.”

Sehun clicked his tongue, an annoyed look settled on his stoic face. “Have some shame for letting Kyungsoo hyung apologize for your thoughtless action.”

I could feel my blood boil from their words. I don’t need them to point that out since I know all of it! I glared at them and the three of them didn’t seemed fazed, but rather they seem to mock my misery. What have I gotten myself into?

After that awful day, a few days passed when I had received Kyungsoo hyung’s apology. I was too dumbfounded that I wasn’t able to reply. I tried to consult with those people with experience with love from work, but in the end, they weren’t able to help me at all. I couldn’t bring myself to face hyung’s older brother, in fear of that he may suddenly be able to walk and castrate me for hurting his brother. I could totally imagine that happening, thus I didn’t dare face Jongdae hyung. And it had come down to consult with the people I knew whom I have partial trust to confide them with my issues.

I knew from the very start when I had sent them a message to meet up, I would end up regretting it so much. And indeed, I am regretting it right now.

“So, what’s your plan?” Chanyeol starts the conversation, blind eyes turning to look at me. Chanyeol and I had patched up our friendship with the help of Kris and Sehun. I was reluctant at first, but in the end, I couldn’t turn away my best friend. And that’s pretty much all it took to restore our friendship.

I turned to him with a frown, clearly expressing my dilemma. “I don’t have any.” As soon as I said that, he lets out a long sigh and I could make out from the corner of my eyes the other two’s displeased expression.

“I knew it. He’s a lost cause,” Sehun says in disgruntle. Kris nodded his head in affirmation and I’m not surprised at their lack of tact.

“Then tell me. What am I supposed to do?” I asked exasperatedly. The air becomes sombre a bit and silence ensued for a moment, before Kris took the wheel of the conversation.

“First things first, what do you feel for Kyungsoo?” Huh. Well, that’s easy.

“I like him.”

“Like? Like as in what? You could like someone as a friend or a brother, Kai,” Chanyeol uttered, a sad smile crossing his face.

He continues, “Anyone can say they like someone. But the only difference is the weight of that ‘like’. Knowing the difference between like and love will help you understand your feelings better.”

“How do you even perceive Kyungsoo hyung?” Sehun added that leaves me baffled.

Like? Love? I never thought it that way. Or maybe I did, but I just didn’t want to deal with it. Maybe, it’s because of my fallen love with Taemin that I’m unable to recall what it is to feel to love again. Or…I knew along what it feels like to fall in love. How do I perceive Kyungsoo hyung? Ever since the first day we met, I knew I was attracted at him, but it was simply because he was entertaining and he had the vibes of an older brother that made me feel at ease around him and had me counting on him.

I learned about him throughout the days I spent with him and I found about his past and his lost voice. I was determined to bring his voice back and with determination, I was able to pull him out of his shell and was able to bring his voice back. His voice was breath-taking. Not the first attempt to properly converse, but when he was able to utilize his voice well that he was able to sing. It tugs the strings of my heart and I just felt that I wanted to protect him all of sudden. It wasn’t just his voice that compelled me to think that way, but rather the time when his older brother had an accident. His soul had crumbled when he heard the news from the doctor and it pained me to see his tears. It pained me to see him in such a devastating state that it drove me to wanting to protect him all the time and be there for him as a shoulder to lean on.

I guess it started right there. Those feelings of mine. The feeling of love must have disguised itself and soon, I realized that I fell in love with him, but couldn’t bring myself to admit it at that time that I pushed it back to my mind and buried it. I didn’t want to bring it up in such a chaotic time and soon, I had just forgotten it. Forgetting to love someone? No, it’s not that. I knew, but I desperately tried to hold back, not wanting to cause him more burden than it is. Also, there is this sense of insecurity. I was unsure of what he felt for me. I’m not scared of my love being rejected, but being rejected as a whole by the person whom I love. I didn’t want to be rejected just like what had Taemin did to me. I was scared and still am, that I admit, whereas I am unable to face Kyungsoo hyung for that kiss. I am aware of what I did and I am repulsed of myself for what I did. I was unable to hold back that I subconsciously did it with also being aware of what I’m doing, yet confused. It’s like doing something out of nowhere and you apologize because it wasn’t supposed to happen and that’s the situation that had happened to me.

Now then, what is Kyungsoo hyung to me?

“He is someone important to me.”

“Everyone could be important. How is he different from those who are important to you?” Kris asks and I could feel my heart beat faster as I answer his question.

“He’s special. He’s different from the rest. He is someone whom I want to protect with all my life. And he is someone whom I’m willing to make a sacrifice.” I could feel my face heat up as I said those words. I’m not really used to speaking my feelings out loud.

“If you know that much, surely you know what your feelings are for him.” I could hear the relief in Chanyeol’s voice as he said that and I find myself bashfully smiling.

“Yeah, I like him.”

“Then, you know what to do.” Uh. No. And that’s my main problem since an hour ago. I kept my mouth shut and I found both Kris and Sehun glaring at me while Chanyeol sips his latte.

“Jongin!”

“What! Honestly, that’s the one I’m most worried about ‘cuz I don’t know what to do!” I told them a lot of times already and they still don’t know my woe?

“Just apologize!”

Ugh. Easier said than done!

[End of Jongin’s Point of View]

♦

Apparently, the trio had given the poor guy an advice on how to apologize. Reluctantly, Jongin agreed to pay heed to their advice and had set off to his plan. The trio was left and a comfortable silence had settled on them. They’re not unfamiliar with each other, in fact they have known each other well, that they don’t need the formalities of friendship.

“Do you think he’ll be alright?” Chanyeol asked to both of his companion, worry etched on his face.

Kris hummed and Sehun affirmed to it. “Yeah, even if he’s an idiot, he could do at least that much.” There was no hidden malice in his voice, instead it was pure belief. Sehun knows his cousin better than anyone else and he knows that Jongin is capable of attaining his love.

“I guess that’s true.” A smile plays at Chanyeol’s lips. Jongin was both lucky and unlucky when it comes to love. He was unlucky with Taemin, but found his luck with Kyungsoo. Though it may seem unlikely the two would hit off, their love for each other would prove otherwise.

The trio had chatted for a bit, telling the stories of what had transpired for the past three years. When all of them had given their story, they had settled once more in silence with all of their plates and drinks empty. Sehun shifts his gaze to Chanyeol, noticing that the older has his eyes cast downward as if wanting to say something, but unable to and he lets out an involuntary sigh. He excuses himself to buy something and heads off.

Chanyeol blinks at the direction Sehun had left to and smiles a bit to himself at the kind gesture that Sehun did. He decided that it was the right time to speak up. Closing his eyes briefly, he opens them once more and looked at Kris’s direction. Lips pressed tight, he hesitated for a moment before opening his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, emotions flickering in his eyes. “I didn’t want to hurt him, but I did. It’s the only way to make him give up on me. I’m sorry for hurting your brother.” Kris looks at him in surprise, stared at him at first, but soon lets a sad smile paints his lips.

“It’s alright.” Kris replies with a hint of sadness in his words. He doesn’t know what had fully transpired on that day when Baekhyun had confronted Chanyeol, but he knows that it didn’t go well. His brother came home late at night, the smell of alcohol reeking out from him, but he was sober and when Kris had asked if he was alright and asked if he wanted to talk about it, Baekhyun gave him a smile that renders him speechless. He could only watch as Baekhyun continues to walk upstairs to his room unable to do anything to comfort his grieving brother. However, tomorrow morning, Baekhyun appears late for breakfast and he looks fine, but everyone knows in that table that he isn’t. He feels the sombre attitude and tried to liven up the atmosphere with his silly jokes. Everyone plays along, not wanting to pity him and continues to eat their breakfast. It pained Kris to see his brother like that, but he knows he couldn’t step in unless Baekhyun wants him to.

“I’m fine,” Baekhyun says as they head down to the main door together. Kris looks at him, knowing that he isn’t, but wishes to respect his brother’s feelings. He pats the younger’s hair, ruffling it a bit and Baekhyun didn’t try to stop him.

“I won’t ask unless you wanted to talk about it. I just wanted to let you know that I’m always here.”

“Yeah. Thanks hyung.”

“It takes time to accept painful truth. To know that your childhood friend has someone who isn’t him. Things were complicated for you both and if I hadn’t known better, I would have thought you really had feelings for him.”

“I love him Kris ever since we were children, but never in that way. Maybe I fell in love with him when I was trying to help him regain his voice and his memory of me, but it didn’t grow. It only settled to the feeling of wanting to protect him. I knew he regained his memory about me and I also know that he had started developing feelings for me, but he doesn’t know that feeling of love and only later did he realize what it was when he found out about Lucas and I.”

“So leaving him behind was the answer?” Kris probed and Chanyeol could only give him a nod. “So you only love him as a friend, huh.”

“I figured that it would hurt him that it would make him hate me and forget about me, but it backfired and it only ended up hurting much more than I could have imagined. I’m really sorry Kris.”

“You do know that you shouldn’t be apologizing to me, right?”

“I know, but you’re his brother. And I must apologize to you as well for breaking your brother’s heart and also for not being able to realize your feelings for me,” Chanyeol said as he brings up the past as to what had happened on the alleyway. Kris bitterly smiled at that memory and shakes his head.

“It’s fine. Just like you, I still love you, but only as a friend that I want to protect. Knowing that your sight has been taken away, all the more that I want to protect you.” Kris smiles at his dear friend, looking at the face of the person he used to love. He’s not upset that Chanyeol didn’t love him back, in fact, he was thankful. The confrontation they had three years ago was a declaration of Kris telling Chanyeol that he will no longer stay by his side, rather he will look out for him just like old times, for he had found someone that he loves more than him.

Chanyeol blinks at him and a knowing smile graces his lips. “Thank you.”

Sehun comes back with a box of cake and Kris looks at him with questioning eyes. Chanyeol seemed to sense something wrong and shifts his gaze to Sehun who had just taken his seat.

“For yourself?” Kris pointed at the box he had brought over.

“No. I bought it for someone,” he answers back and Kris nods his head knowingly. Sehun looks at them before letting his gaze shift to the door of the café, finding someone familiar pushing through the door.

“Chanyeol, Lucas is here to pick you up.” Hearing Lucas’s name, Chanyeol looks sideways, trying to pick up where Lucas could be. Lucas found them in no time and goes over their side.

“Hello,” he greets them with a smile. He makes his way to Chanyeol’s side, placing a comforting hand to the younger and Chanyeol immediately relaxed at the touch of his love one.

Kris stares at the brief action and he confirms that Baekhyun couldn’t take Chanyeol back no matter what. If a single touch could bring Chanyeol to smile in a way he has never seen him before, then Lucas wins his best friend’s heart. He realizes that the smile that Baekhyun had gave him that night is something he could understand now. He watches as Lucas takes Jongin’s seat before and converse with Chanyeol and Chanyeol responding with a fond look.

Meanwhile, Sehun watches Kris looks at Chanyeol and Lucas and then, shifts his gaze at the box of cake he had bought. He hadn’t really thought much when had bought the entire cake since his purpose of leaving the two was that they could talk in private and buying a cake was the least option he could do. He had just come across it when the patisserie had displayed it along with the new cakes and he immediately thought of buying it. He wasn’t really fond of cakes, but now that he has bought it, he wonders what to do with it.

He thinks for a moment before an idea popped but he immediately rejected it. He grumbles under his breath as he thinks on what to with the cake and when he couldn’t think of any, he decided to go with the idea he had just rejected. He wouldn’t mind would he?

♦

Jongin finds himself in front of the flower shop with a bouquet in his hand. He feels nervous. He could feel himself sweating so much from the idea of confronting Kyungsoo. He's not too sure if standing in front of Kyungsoo's shop for an hour is the right thing to do, but he figures that the flower shop is the only way he could find Kyungsoo. But the problem is, the flower shop is closed and he has no idea if it'll open or not. It's just past lunch and Jongin thinks that Kyungsoo might have taken his lunch or had gone to the hospital to eat together with his brother. He wonders if he should go to the hospital to check if he was there or not, but if Kyungsoo's not there and he meets up with Jongdae instead, he wouldn't be able to get out the hospital alive. As he was wondering on what to do, he fails to notice the approaching figure from the left.

"Jongin?" He hears his name being called that snaps him out of his train of thoughts and turns his head to the side. His eyes widen at the person who called him.

"Kyungsoo hyung..." he trails off and found himself unable to continue his words. He quickly looked away, embarrased for being caught outside the flower shop. He feels the awkward atmosphere settle on them and wonders what's going on Kyungsoo's mind at the moment. He found himself wondering if it was the right time to do this as he was not mentally prepared for it and it seemed that Kyungsoo is still mad at him.

"What are you standing there for?" Kyungsoo asks, his voice held no warmth and it made Jongin crack under pressure. He doesn't want Kyungsoo to hate him, thus gathering his courage, he gives the bouquet of flowers to the older in which the older receives it graciously. Kyungsoo stares at it, noticing the hyacinths and daffodils and looks at  Jongin who was looking away with a blush on his cheeks.

He smiles knowingly at what the younger wanted to say and asked him if he wanted to come inside. Jongin looked at him in surprise, but soon nodded his head and followed Kyungsoo inside. Jongin stood akwardly at the middle of the shop, not wanting to take a seat, but Kyungsoo realized his intention and told him to sit down. Lips pursed, he followed the older and took his usual seat, looking everywhere but Kyungsoo. The older could feel the anxiety radiating from the younger and he, too, is nervous but he couldn't let the younger know that. Placing the bouquet on the side, he fixes up a tea for the both of them and places the teacup in front of Jongin.

"Thanks, hyung," Jongin mutters and takes a sip, feeling the tea calm his nerves down.

"Feeling better?" Kyungsoo asks after he takes a sip on his own tea. Jongin nodded and gives Kyungsoo a smile, wanting to let the older know that he appreciates the gesture. Kyungsoo looks down, feeling a bit happy from the bouquet but couldn't pacify the sadness that was in his heart. He knows Jongin gave him the bouquet to apologize about the kiss and it hurts him to know that, but what's worse is because it shows that Jongin doesn't really have any feelings for him. He didn't want to be selfish and so, he intended to carry on as if nothing had happened.

♦

[Kyungsoo's Point of View]

Ah. I knew it. It hurts. But at least, I got to see him again, right? I should just play it off and we could go back to the way it was before. I'll just ignore my feelings and it'll be okay. I'll be okay and we're going to be alright as if nothing had happened. Or so I thought.

"Hyung, I..I'm sorry for the trouble that I caused. I know that I shouldn't have done it." And here I thought Jongin wouldn't bring up the topic anymore and it seems I'm mistaken. It's too late to change the subject, huh?

"Jongin, it's ok--" Jongin cuts me off and continues.

"I know I should have considered your feelings first." Oh dear god. I know you'd done it because of curiosity, so please stop. "But instead I kissed you out of nowhere because I was worried that you weren't the usual Kyungsoo hyung that I know, but also I was trying to confirm my feelings for you. And I--" Wait, what?

"Huh?" I looked at him in shock. Jongin stops and stares right back at me.

"Huh?" he responded and I blinked at the sudden revelation. Didn't he just say that we trying to confirm his feelings for me? Huh? Does that mean...

"You didn't kiss me just because you were curious?" I asked and he looks at me as if I had grown another head.

"No. Why would I do that? I know it's not an appropriate action, but I felt like you were avoiding me and at the same time, I was trying to determine my feelings for you and somehow, it ended up me kissing you," Jongin explains and I could feel my mind went blank for a moment before Jongin's words registered in my brain. So that's what it is. So, it wasn't just plain curiosity. It also means that he wasn't playing with my feelings, well not that he knows of, but I feel a bit relieved at the truth behind it. Now, knowing why Jongin had done that, I feel embarrased at the sudden conclusion I made and regretted the slap. I did apologize for it, but knowing the truth, only shows that Jongin doesn't really deserve it and I really feel guilty right now.

But that's not the issue right now because something isn't answered yet. "So, what have you realized then?"

I'm honestly not ready for whatever the answer he has for me, but whatever it is, I'll accept it. If he doesn't like me, then that's fine. If he likes me, then I'll confess also. I didn't notice that I was holding my breath until he pointed at the bouquet of flowers that he had given me awhile ago. I took the bouquet and looked at Jongin in confusion.

"What about it?" I asked and noticed that he had shifted his gaze away from me when he had answered.

"Inside. There's a small card." Blinking for a moment, I placed a hand inside and found a small card wedged in between the flowers and pulled it out. I flipped it open and read what is written. Not too long, I found myself placing the card on the counter and blushing hard. I could feel my face hot from the words written and I looked Jongin who was also looking at me with his raw emotions displayed across his face. Ah, . This is not what I was expecting.

"That's what I feel about you. I don't know what you feel actually because all this time, you treated me like a younger brother and I'm not really sure if I wanted to hear the answer right now. I'm sorry and I'll be taking my leave right now!" Jongin stands up and hurriedly leaves the shop. I was left alone and still baffled at what had happened. This is not the scenario I was thinking of, but who knew Jongin felt this way for me?

I found myself smiling and blushing like a teenage girl that has her love accepted by her crush. I feel my heart could burst from the words written on the card alone. I bit my lips and racked my brain if I still remember Jongin's address. He just left without waiting for my answer and I felt that I should be the one in his position, but it doesn't matter. I should give him my response and a simple text isn't going to enough.

[End of Kyungsoo's Point of View]

♦

Red Tulip, Red Carnation. Linaria Bipartita. Jonquil.

♦

Jongin runs home and hid himself in the covers of his bed. He couldn't believe what he had done, but now he gone and did it and there was no turning back now. He couldn't face Kyungsoo after the older had read the message he had written on the card and he opted to run away before he even hears the response. He isn't really prepared for it, but at least he the words he had wanted to say was delivered across well to Kyungsoo and the latter's reaction was nerve-wracking for Jongin. Sehun's probably going to lecture him, but he doesn't care at the moment. He groans as he rolled back and forth on his bed when he hears the doorbell and he pops his head out from the covers.

He heads down, wondering who it is and tried to remember if he had ordered something online. He opens the door and found a bouquet of roses lying down at the doorstep. He picks it up and looks around to check who might have dropped off the bouquet because he was sure he didn't order it. He took the bouquet inside and checked it out. It was a boquet of red roses wrapped in a violet silk-cloth embroided with gold and tied with a golden ribbon. He found a small cared wedged in and he could feel his heart race. He knows more or less who could have sent the flowers. Opening the small card, he reads the message inside and finds himself crouching. He could feel his cheeks hotter than before and found himself smiling widely. Who knew that it would end up this way?

♦

Ambrosia.

♦Jude, you messed up with colors again.

►/looks at previous chapter/ Oh, right. I'll do it right this time.

♦Plant symbolism is love <3

►I'm still not over with what you did with Chanbaek.

♦I said I was sorry. Chanyeol's point of view would make everything more clear.

►Fine. How will the story goes on after the last turnabout?

♦The ending shall commence.

►Then the epilogue?

♦Yup!

►Well, there you have it! The next chapter shall be the last turnabout.

♦Mwahahaha.