Tonight after completed my schedule, I shuffled lazily on my bed. The sound of raindrops on my window like a beautifully sorrow melody to my ears, matched well with the sorrow I felt in my heart.

“Byunghee-aa..Byunghee-aa..”

I heard that voice along with my doorbells. I stand up and walk lazily toward my house door. I am not surprised by the person at the door. He look half calm half agitated. I think I know why he’s here. Ailee has been MIA for several days. And I pretty sure this guy was worried. He’s one of the closest person to Ailee. Actually I am expecting I get knock down once I open that door. I shocked at the fact I still on stand right now. He grab my shoulder and my thoughts shattered all over the place.

“Byunghee..are you okay?” He ask me, I can sense concern in his tone. I just nodded and offer him to get into my house. He walk pass me and sit down on the couch in my living room. I close the door and went into the kitchen. Prepare simple warm tea and offer him the drink. I sat down beside him. Take a sip of my tea and let out a sigh unknowingly.

He rub my shoulder lovingly and make me understand why Ailee so comfortable sharing with him. He is caring, loving and good person. In spite I am unreliable and burdening person to be with. Oh how I regret my personality.

“Byunghee..what happened actually? I know nothing. I need to know everything to help you get back together you know?” He spoke with gentle voice and I feel his hand upon mine.

Tear running down my face before I realized what has happened.  Within millisecond I in his embrace. He tried his best to calm me down. Unfortunately I have been depressed and holding my tears recently. When someone come and ask me what happened instead of blaming me touched my fragile heart. I clearly know this is my fault though.

But, he being a good friend tried to act neutral and be a buffer between us. I appreciate his efforts and I know he will be mad as hell when he know the truth, but truth is all I has now. I started to tell him what happened on that day after I calmed down, finally. From A to Z. Nothing I hide from him and I saw him shake his head left to right, repeatedly  with head down.

I feel so embarrassed with myself I can’t even looked at him. He let out a really deep and long sigh. I can’t sit silent in my seat. I afraid he might lost it. Instead he just ask me helplessly,

“Why you do that Byunghee-ya? Don’t you love her? Did you know this torture her heart? You ripped her heart and now its in pieces you know? I don’t even know what I can do to help you with this.” Regret was obvious in her voice.

“I don’t know. I do love her, with all my heart. But I seriously don’t know why I keep torturing her. I am such a jerk. I deserved a good beating right now.” Was all I could answer him.

How I wish the earth will open up and eat me alive so I could be away from all this mess I caused.

“Have you ever thought she would better off without you?” suddenly he asked me with straight, cold tone.

As much as I hate to admit it, all he has been said is true. It’s all true all along. She is better without me. Maybe I have to consider my choice. In order to let her be happy, maybe the best answer is without me in the picture.

“I am so sorry. I should have not asked you that. I am sorry if I hurt your feeling.” He asked for my forgiveness after my lack of response to his previous question. He must regret his sudden question just now.

But I felt it only fair he asked me that exact question due to my jerk personalities and treatment to Ailee. They are very close.

“No. I understand why you ask me that question. I am a jerk to her. I really do. I never thought that. Maybe all this while I just selfish. I never think for her sake. I have a lot of thinking to do starting tonight. Thank you for make me realize.” I answered him as a matter of fact.

“It’s getting late. I think I should go now or else I will have earful of nag from each of my members.” He said standing up from his seat after finishing his tea.

“Eung..ok Minjun-ah. Thank you for being here for me. and thank you for being there for her each and every time she needs a friend.”

With that we bid farewell and he went back to his home. I went back to my apartment, clean up the table, wash up and head to my bed. I put my head on my comfortable, fluffy white pillow but it doesn’t as comfortable as before.

Every word I have with Minjun replays in my mind. I think hard for the best solution for both of us. What I should really do? I just want her to be happy. I want her to smile back. She is prettiest when she smiles. How I love her smile.

And I don’t even realized I have drifted again in slumber with my messy thoughts.