Doors & Barriers

Krystal... gawd Krystal... I really don't want to face you right now, especially after confessing -- not once, but twice -- that I'm in love with you. 

"Amber... Amber please, let me in." her voice resonates through the stall... 

Another tear trails down my cheek, and I catch it with the back of my hand right before it hits the toilet paper scroll again.  Why is she here? She should feel absolutely uncomfortable, embarrassed, and not want to talk to me at all. She should despise me right now. Why is she here? Wait... I know why. 

Pity.

I fear pity. I hate pity. More so... my own. 
"Amber..."  she said, with resignation in her voice. I wasn't answering her.  So, why did she keep insisting? I heard her back slide down against the door, as I also noticed her pants underneath the stall.  She sat down.  How long was she planning on staying there?

I don't want her pity. I don't want her to be nice. I don't deserve it, anyway. I pressed my knees closer against my chest, wrapping my arms around them.  I sniffled... as much as I tried to keep quiet. As much as I tried to not feel... I suppose you can't hide pain forever.

"Amber...!"  she reacted to my sniffling. "Amber, I know you're in there... please just let me in... please talk to me." 
"... just go away, Krystal."  I finally replied. 
"Why...?!  Why do you keep pushing me -- everyone away?" she exclaimed, she demanded an answer. An answer I didn't have. I honestly -- I don't know why -- why I didn't have an answer.  I heard her sigh in frustration when she didn't get a reply. "I just want to talk to you..."  she said with a defeated sigh.

Opening the door meant opening myself up. It meant opening myself up to her so much more, and becoming even more vulnerable than she's already made me. Something that I just couldn't put myself through right now. Opening this door meant facing her, and explaining my feelings.  Do you have any idea the terror of explaining your feelings to someone who will never reciprocate them? This door... needed to stay shut. At one point, I wanted to open this door, to tear down this barrier that came in between us. I wanted to somehow manage to crack it open... I regret now ever wanting that.  I'm such a ing , I know. I can't help but feel terrified of what's waiting for me on the other side... on the other side of this door, this barrier. I can't help but hide. 

"Talk about what?!" I finally replied. 
"About what just happened!" she said, with even more frustration. The entire atmosphere was so clouded. It was hard to think. It was hard to get words well in place. It was hard to express anything.
"I don't want to talk about it, Krys! I don't want your ing pity. Just ing leave...!" I said with anger. I was upset at myself, not at her -- but I noticed how harsh that must have sounded towards her "... just leave me alone..."  I said, much softer this time.
"Is that what you think of me!? That I pity you...?!"
"... what I think of everyone... even myself." I said softly, but she didn't hear me...
"You're so ing clueless, you know that!? Happy ing birthday...!" she said with anger -- but I could hear the tears in her voice -- as she violently shoved, what looked to be like a wrapped gift, underneath the stall. I could hear her getting up quickly and running off, slamming the door of the trailer, without even letting me get one more word in.  

I stared at the gift for a moment, as I sniffled. She got me something? She got me something... for my birthday? I stood up slowly, and the light of the stall. It was rectangular, and wrapped in -- a rushed smile escaped me -- the wrapping had parachutes.  

Parachutes.   

                -"Hey, how come I didn't get the parachute blanket?" I pouted jokingly, as I started to snuggle with myself under the covers.
                -"Parachutes are not for llamas, they're for people."

"Jo...?"
"Jackie?!" I said, with relief in my voice.
"Open up... I'm the only one here." she said.  She knew I would ask.
"How'd you know I was here?" I asked, as I opened the door slowly, still being cautious.
"I bumped into Krystal on my way here... she said you were locked inside the bathroom stall. Weirdo." she said, with a light chuckle.
"Oh gosh..." I exhaled, while quickly sinking back into my corner.
"She looked pretty pissed off..." she said, as she sat in front of me.
"She has every right to be..." I said softly, sitting butterfly style, looking down towards my feet. I began to fidget with the shoe laces on my sneakers. 
"Jo... I'm sorry..." she said, not really knowing what to do to make me feel better. I guess the only person I could be certain that would never pity me, would be Jackie.  She was just there... her sheer existence was a consolation, and her company was pretty much a bonus.
"What else did she tell you?" I asked.
"That was it. I saw her, I recognized her, I said I'm sorry, and I asked her where you were..." she explained.
"Gawd, Jackie... I'm so stupid..." I said, as I sunk my face into the palm of my hands.  "Where's mom?" I asked, my voice muffled by my hands.
"No, you're not... I think she went back to the hotel... in the car..." she sighed. "So, I'm gonna have to catch a cab to the hotel... and you're paying." she said with a light chuckle, as she poked the top of my head softly. That's Jackie. Always tyring to make light of any situation, no matter how bad. If I die before her, she'll probably be cracking jokes at my funeral. I'm almost sure of it. I smiled lightly at the thought. 
"Jackie... I'm so sorry. This is all my fault..." I said, as I looked up towards her, removing my face from my hands -- regret all over me.  
"No it isn't... It's no big deal.  She just... doesn't get it. Don't worry about it.  I'll sweeten her up when I get to the hotel." she tried to reassure me.
"What can you possibly tell her that can sweeten her up? The whole 'Christian parents completely accepting their gay child' thing sounds fantastic -- but probably not going to happen with mom.  You can sweet talk her into me coming to South Korea, you can sweet talk her into anythin