A Crystal Shatters

Is there ever anything more profoundly annoying than the simple thought of knowing that you did everything in your power to not end up… Right. Here. Where you are now, and here you are?

I’ve always wanted to travel through time, jump through time, fly through time… never stop time. I could feel the stiff marks of the tears over my cheeks, dried out from sitting in place for what felt like an infinite and unknown amount of time. Time had stopped, it seemed. The world had stopped spinning; and I imagined water freezing on its way into a cup, words suspended in mid air and entangled in the oxygen they’re traveling in, and apparent death everywhere because all hearts stopped beating. Maybe the now, sudden and harsh silence in contrast to my earlier screams and sobs made it seem that way… made it seem as if time stopped. 

Why did I react like this?

I lift a finger from out of my own blood to test my theory, and I realize it really hurts. A lot. I realize I can move, I can feel, and I can lift up my eyes towards the room.

What. Have I. Done?

I slowly push myself up to stand, barely, as I spot my phone on the floor together with a few other things that were just earlier on my desk. I unlock the screen, and there it is. There is Time. Still ticking. It never actually stopped, neither has this strange pain in my chest. Definitely something I’ve never felt before. Another novel feeling, but this one…  I do not like.  From this feeling -- is this where my screams and sobbing came from? It couldn’t have been anything else. It feels like… it feels – what does it feel like?

Like, thousands of paper planes set on fire before they’ve ever taken their first flight, deliberately balancing yourself at the edge of a cliff, being attached to the hook of a fishing pole and thrown into a pool filled with killer white sharks. They won’t eat you, though. They just keep coming at you one by one, jaw wide open and swim away.  It feels like… being a pumpkin on Halloween. You’ll be getting slowly carved into, your insides taken out, and you’ll be turned into a Jack-o-Lantern. Forced to put on a face – an emotion – you never had. It feels like the eerie sound that plays right before an Ed Gein inspired psychopath raises his knife in front of the shower curtains. It feels like… the list is too long.

And I don’t even know what any of this means; it just makes sense to say.

Is this the pain of lost love that Amber kept telling me horrors about? Is this what she was talking about when she said that love wasn’t worth it? Probably worse… Is this feeling the feeling she was risking to feel again, just to love me? To love me? Me?! Oh gawd! Why would anyone risk feeling this way?! ! It really hurts. It hurts so gawd damn much. As I stood in front of the sinks in our bathroom stalls washing out the blood from my hands, bandaging their cuts… I realized that the pain in my chest just started to feel greater. It could be that the pain of the cuts on my hands temporarily disguised this pain in my chest. It could be, and knowing that Amber risked feeling this way to love me… it just made my pain worse. For some reason, my brain just couldn’t withstand the idea of her being gone… for some reason.
 

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FLASHBACK

My mother opened the door of our house, and her hand immediately met my cheek with a slap.
“You just got here and you’re already causing havoc?!” my mother said to me, as she angrily stood at the door.  Her glare nearly pierced a hole into my face.
“Eomma… I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I said defensively and intimidated, as I held a hand to the cheek she slapped.
“Shut up and get inside…” she said in between her gritted teeth. She stepped to the side of the door, allowing me to pass. I slowly walked past the door with my head hung low, embarrassed. “And why are you so late?” she continued. I knew Jessica was innocently and perfectly sitting at the dinner table. I knew she was hearing everything. This is beyond embarrassing.  
“I only have the bus and the taxis right now, Eomma.”
“We need to get you your license as soon as possible then, Appa will get you a car. Being late is not tolerated in this family. You know this.” If only she knew that I’m late to nearly everything in my life. As I walked into the dining room I could still hear my mother ranting at me as she followed behind. And there was unnie, flawlessly pointing in the direction of my seat at the table. She then brought that same finger to her lips, signaling me to just keep quiet. As if I didn’t already know. Of course I’ll keep quiet… we both know better than to retaliate with mother.  But, I really wanted to. I’m supposed to. I’m supposed to put my foot down this time, right? Is that not what I promised myself I would do?
“So, what is this?!” my mother slammed an article cut from the newspaper onto the table, right in between the bibimbap and the baechu kimchi. It was the news about me being at Club Octagon with my ‘boyfriend’ last night. I held back a smirk, my hand still against my cheek rubbing it ever so slightly. “Are you going to answer me?” she insisted, angrily.  Way to ruin my appetite… oh, but I’m lying.  Nothing can ruin my appetite. I couldn’t wait to get a piece of that beachu, ‘stuff my face’ as Amber says.  ‘They’re going to put us on a strict diet, might as well start now’ I told Amber at Taco Bell. I am so full of poop. I should actually eat a lot now… before they put us on the diet. That would make more sense.
“You know that all I have to do is breathe, and the media will say I exhaled a tornado, Eomma… It’s the curse of the Jungs, follows me wherever I go.” I wittingly said, as I sat and began to eagerly serve myself. Good enough for a first time ‘foot down’ attempt. Baby steps, little Jung. “Ow!” she slapped my hand before I could finish putting the first scoop on my plate.
“You wait for your Appa.” My mother said, even angrier due to my comment, as she made her way towards her seat at the table.  Jessica looked at me with wide eyes, shocked that I would get witty with mother. 
I sighed deeply, and after a brief and uncomfortable silence,
“Her name is Amber, Eomma.” I said, as I annoyingly stared down at my empty plate. My mother doesn’t see me in forever, and has already hit me twice in the span of just minutes simply for being a Jung that isn’t my sister.
“That is a girl?” my mother asked, astonished.
“She just dresses a bit different, that’s all.” I explained, knowing well she was referring to the clothes she was wearing. Little did she know that I was the one who picked those out for her.
“Soojung, this ‘girl’ is not a ‘that is all’.  Where did you meet this… this…?”
“She was recruited together with me at the auditions, Eomma. She’s going to be part of my group.”
“Oh no… no, no, no. I will not allow that. I am contacting Young-min first thing tomorrow morning. This is absolutely absurd.”
“How? How is this ‘absurd’? She’s different. We need different. Different is good.” I objected.
“You can be different and be normal at the same time, Soojung. Bah! No wonder you ran into trouble first thing, running around with this kind of people.”
“It was my idea to…”
“You should know better, Jung Soojung!” she interrupted me “Your sister has been in this industry for much longer, and not a single scandal. You just get here, and look at you! And look at the relations that you’re making already! You should have known better. You’re a Jung! Act like one!” it’s her favorite hobby, to beat me down until there’s nothing left, and then sit me back on that scale against my sister. Measuring me… am I still Jessica? I had a good start, though. It might take a while to regain back that ‘foot down’ confidence.
“If you would just let me explain…” I attempted to speak again, but my father interrupted with his entrance.  Better than mother interrupting, I suppose.
“There’s my princess…” Appa said to me, as he peaked towards me from the stairs he was coming down from. The room went silent as a sign of respect towards his presence. He approached me with a faint smile, completely unaware of the current atmosphere.  I wasn’t sure if to feel relieved or nervous. I think I felt both. I bowed with my head as he stood in front of my chair, looking down at me with that aged and rugged smile. He placed his hand at the top of my head, and kissed my forehead lovingly. We weren’t very affectionate in the Jung family, so this was definitely him showing his excitement of seeing me for the first time in a while.  He circled around Jessica’s chair, affectionately squeezing her shoulder as he passed by to make his way towards his seat, and Jessica bowed her head at his action. “The Jungs, together again.” He said proudly, as he looked at each of us around the table.  My father is definitely a proud man. He takes pride in his creations, and that includes Jessica and I, right alongside his many other great money investments. Though, he still manages to stay humble, and this can either be good or bad.  It’s good because, in between him and my mother, it makes him my favorite.  It’s bad because it makes him a very easy target for my mother to manipulate.  My dad is absolutely whipped by my mother, then again… we all are. He’ll do anything to please her. “Please, let’s say our blessings for this wonderful meal.” He continued.  I should have never agreed to be part of this stupid company, I should have just stayed in school and never gotten up for that stupid audition, and I should have just stayed at the dorms and watched that movie with Amber.

Amber… That different girl. That different and special girl.

END FLASHBACK

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“Soojung…!” a surprised voice enters the dorm room. It was Sulli.  “Oh god, what happened?” she slowly walked in as she took a brief moment to look around the room, and then rushed to my side where I had begun sweeping the shards from the floor, hanging her purse behind her on the knob of the door. I looked up with a bit of shock, because I earlier tried to convince myself that I would be able to pick everything up before she got back. At least the only things left were the shards on the floor from the broken bulb, and the torn curtain.
“Oh, n-nothing.” I said with a small crack in my voice, and then promptly cleared my throat “Nothing.” I rushed a smile as I briefly raised my face to see her, still continuing to sweep.
“What do you mean nothing…? And your hand?” she objected, as she hesitantly reached out one of her hands towards my bandaged one. I flinched lightly, and raised my face once again quickly.
“I slipped.” I said as I forced a nonchalant shrug “I slipped… and tried to grab onto the curtain, but I fell anyway. Broke my lamp.” I continued to sweep. I’ve been keeping it from her… we’ve talked about everything… with the exception of Amber and I. These feelings had been too new for me, and I didn’t know who it would be okay to tell them to.  Sure, Sulli and I talk all the time, but mostly about family, gossip, and… her and Choiza.  It had gotten to the point where Choiza took up almost 90% of our conversations.  But… that’s normal right? Boy talk. I have no ‘boy talk’. She told me how she finally lost her ity to him, and what was I supposed to say? Oh, and by the way, I lost my ity to a girl… and that girl is Amber? I’m already a bit overwhelmed knowing that my sister knows… and now this happens? What do I say now? ‘Hey, Sulli… remember when I told you that I had no boy crushes whenever you asked me? I lied. I had a girl crush instead, which is Amber, and we’re currently dating.  Also, she just left because of me, and so I’m now currently wallowing in self-pity, and have recently just discovered quite possibly one of the worst feelings in the world… to which I don’t have a name for yet. But, I will soon.  How do you feel about that, Sulli?’ I’d risk losing my soul-mate when I now need her th