“So, that’s it? He’s really dying – like does he really die?”
“I’m not going to tell you how it ends, Am…” she replied with a giggle “… but yes, he's really dying. He’s terminal and he knows that.” She finished saying, as her fingers brushed through my hair slowly. I had stretched out over the floor, my feet still pressed against the bookcase, but I faced upwards as my head was rested in between Krystal’s butterfly legs. I held the book above my head as my eyes were fixated on Krystal’s upside-down smile.

Being the lazy reader that I am, I was trying to pry her on letting out some spoilers about the book she told me to read. It’s about a sick and dying professor, and a former student who seems to visit him every Tuesday, because he enjoys the wisdom and inspiration the old professor shares with him about life.  The professor is apparently pretty damn optimistic about dying.
“So, knowing this – knowing that he’s definitely, definitely a goner… how is this dude so god damn optimistic?” I asked, seriously puzzled as I finally closed the book, and set it down to our side on the floor. I reached both of my hands upwards towards the side of her thighs, and began to caress them tenderly.
“Well, if you knew that you were going to die sooner than later, wouldn’t you want to make the best out of the little time you have left?” she replied.
“If I knew I was going to die… for sure, for sure? I’d be pretty scared, honestly… I’d be scared, and sad to leave everyone behind. As much as I’d try to stay optimistic… how could you? You’re being taken away against your will from everyone and everything that you love… forever. If anything, I’d try to distance myself to make it easier on them and myself for when it actually happens.” I explained.
“You’d be that sad? Enough to distance yourself completely?” she asked.
“Of course.” I said, sure of my answer.
“What if the tables were turned?” she asked
“What do you mean?”
“Like… say -- what if I was the one that was for sure, for sure going to die… would you let me distance myself from you?” she clarified, looking down at me with a sad curiosity -- straight into my eyes, as the of my hair stopped and she settled her hands on each side of my head.
“Well, I guess -- I’m not sure… I wouldn’t want you to. I wouldn’t want you to distance yourself from me. But it’d be best that way. It’s different – it’s a different world for the ones who are going to be left behind. For the one that dies, their pain ends with their death… but for the ones who are left behind… the pain just gets worse after the death.” I said, slowly moving my gaze from her eyes to the bookcase in front of me, staring at my feet.
“Wow… I was kind of hoping you’d say ‘No, never. I’d chase you around everywhere and cling to you like a leach, savoring every last moment and poking you endlessly’…” she said with a sad scoff “…Did you want Soyeon to distance herself from you?” she asked with persistence, committed to getting the answer she wanted to hear, the one she was convinced to be the actual truth. My eyes widened at her suddenly bringing up Soyeon, but I didn’t let them stray away from the bookcase, not for a second.  
“Yes -- No… that’s… that’s different. I could have stopped her. It wasn’t something that had to happen. It wasn’t something that couldn’t be cured.”
“But what if it really was something that you couldn’t cure… what if it was bound to happen, if not that day, then another…?”
“Then no! Okay? I wouldn’t have wanted her to distance herself from me… No matter how much less it would have hurt if she did do it… if she had distanced herself…”
She leaned her lips slowly towards one of my ears “Because she was worth the pain.” Krystal concluded in a whisper “Love… life… it’s worth all of the pain.” She leaned back again, looking down on me tenderly.
“And that’s why... that’s why professor Morrie is so optimistic…” I finally agreed, as I moved my eyes from the bookcase and fixated them upwards looking into her eyes.  She softly smiled down at me as she nodded gently.  I had to remember what it really felt like -- what death felt like in a real life scenario that had actually happened to me, in order to grasp professor Morrie’s optimism towards dying. I sighed. “So, I guess I would end up chasing you around everywhere and poking you endlessly…” I continued, as I chuckled softly.
“Oh, I know you would.” She giggled, as she lowered her lips to peck my forehead. “But I wouldn’t try to distance myself from you if I was dying to begin with, so no need to worry about that.” She finished, as she moved her hands from the side of my face and back towards my hair, it gently. “I’d also chase you around endlessly, until my last breath... if you tried to distance yourself from me because you knew were going to die.”
“So, it’s worth it.” I pensively said.
“Morrie is also scared and sad… but he’s optimistic because it’s worth it. Yes.” she resumed.
“So, I guess I wouldn’t distance myself either… because it’s worth it.” I said, changing my mind.
“No chasing then?” she asked, still tenderly holding her smile at me.
“No chasing.” I smiled back, but it quickly faded. It took thinking how I felt when Soyeon died to realize that it’s worth it.  What does that mean?

Do I still have that strong of feelings for her?

I closed my eyes slowly, as I felt her fingers gently brushing through my hair, feeling her fingertips at the root of every strand...

Yet somehow… she’s completely unphased by it.

“What is it?” concern in her voice.
“Nothing. Why?” I replied, trying to not incriminate myself, though I’m pretty sure my faded smile gave me away. It’s nearly impossible for me to fake anything, as usual.
“Amber… I know you too well.” Like I said. Nearly impossible.

'... and I'd never be so in love with anyone... the way I was with her... and then I met you, Krys...'  That second time I confessed my love to her. I told her... it was greater...

I opened my eyes, letting out a deep sigh, as if my ty faking took so much out of me. I sat up quickly, and turned to face her.
“I just want you to know that I love you. That I love you more than anything – than anyone… that I know what love feels like, that I’ve felt it before – I know that this…” I held my hand to my heart “… this is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt… ever.” She looked at me confused. “I just need you to know that. You know that, right? Right?” her jaw was slightly dropped, but she then slowly placed her hands on the sides of my face, as if she had suddenly realized she might have missed her queue.
“Amber… where – where is all of this coming from?” she asked, holding my face still and trying to chase my gaze with hers. I looked down, trying to slightly catch my breath from my rant.
“I just want you to know.” I said softly.
“Okay… I know, but still… You got to admit, it’s a bit random and unlike you…” She said with soft chuckle that still mixed itself with worry. Recalling my rant, it was really random. It even sounded as if I was more trying to convince myself rather than her…
“I just… when you brought up Soyeon… I don’t know…” I said slowly, not entirely sure how to explain it.  Her eyes widened a bit as if she had suddenly realized what I was thinking and feeling. Her hands still at each side of my face, as her thumbs began to gently caress my cheeks.
“Amber… look at me…” she said tenderly, as I raised my eyes to meet hers. “The only reason I brought her up, is because I knew it’d help you to remember what it really felt like to feel like Professor Morrie… so that you can see that it’s actually not that crazy to feel that optimistic when you know you’re going to die, that it’s not that crazy to want to cling and cling more to something you know you’re going to lose… I only brought it up only so that you could see the right answer.”
“You mean the answer that I couldn’t see with you...?” I objected.
“Amber, because you’ve never experienced that feeling with me…”
“… the answer that I would have just wanted more and more time with her had I known and couldn’t stop it?” I continued speaking over her words. I’m beating myself up. I know. I just had no clue that those feelings were still buried deep under the miracle that Krystal constantly makes me feel. She makes me feel miracle. And I don’t care if miracle isn’t a feeling… there’s just no other word to describe it. The feeling is impossible, therefore… a miracle. Yet somehow… that pain… still there – that longing. Gawd damn it! My gaze raced across the aisle, avoiding her every attempt at eye contact.
“And that answer is okay with me. Amber…!” she called out my name in a loud and concerned whisper trying to get my attention. My eyes finally landing over her face, as t