Nothing

As I heard her answer tremble over my lips, I realized my eyes beginning to slowly open. I couldn’t even recall the moment they closed. I was wrapped around her finger again, pinned down under another spell again… and suddenly my face felt moist… tears, but it wasn’t me. I wasn’t crying, was I? I fixated my eyes directly into hers that were lowered down towards my lips. There was a single stream of tears coming from one of her eyes that made itself in between the corner of each of our lips as they still barely touched.
“Krys…” I said in a whisper, and with a soft surprise at the fact that she was crying, even if it was just lightly, as both of my hands made their way towards her cheeks, and as one of my thumbs gently brushed the tear away from the corner of her lips. Her breathing heightened while her lips remained grazing mine, as if she wanted to press them against mine again, but she was holding herself back. As if I was a drug, an addiction, a bad habit that she was trying to get rid of, but just couldn’t bring herself to do so… and that after more than a week of not having each other – of not having me… these tears were the withdrawal symptoms. I, on the other hand, I wasn’t trying to fight back my addiction.  Not me… I wanted to jump into another kiss. I wanted to unglue my hands from against the wall behind me, and wrap them around her small frame… hold her close – closer than we already were, get rid of all gaps between us, get rid of this stupid ing ‘space’… and I was about to, but then… her gaze slowly met mine, as she showed me a slight shock at the fact that my eyes had been looking at hers this whole time. She stepped back slowly, as she hesitantly brought the tip of her fingers over her lips, and pressed her back against the wall opposite of me. Shocked at me, shocked at herself, shocked at her lips that attached themselves to mine… her trembling hand made its way towards the lock of the stall, removing it, and she stepped out towards the sinks. What the hell just happened? I stood there for a moment in the same position she had pinned me in. My brain wanted to rush out after her and continue with the action I had planned of kissing her again. For some reason my body took a while to catch up. It took a while to come back from her kiss; it took a while to come back from seeing her reaction, that by the time I walked out towards the sinks, the main door of the bathroom was closing with her already on the other side.

"Two Is Better Than One" - Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift

Did I mention how this week without her had been hell? Did I also mention that the only thing that was keeping me from snapping was the fact that I was going to be in the same room as her? All facts… all accurate, all truth… although, her kissing me wasn’t really in my plans, and any other person would agree that this very unplanned but pleasant turn of events would just be the cherry on the top… right? Logically speaking, right? Then why does it hurt? The aftertaste of this kiss… why does it hurt? Why does it instead feel like someone just poured salt over my wound? Over an already badly torn open wound at that.  I don’t think I was built for this whole “mildang” thing… this whole situation of her pulling away, and pulling back in, and pulling away again --  it’s supposed to be fun -- at least that’s how South Korea paints it to be… maybe I’m in the wrong mildang situation.  I just don’t understand… if it hurts her this much to be away from me… then why doesn’t she just stop it? I mean, I know why… but it just doesn’t seem like the good outweighs the bad, at least not in my eyes. Why can’t she see that nothing can be as horrible as us not being together… like I see it? It’s so clear to me… and that kiss hurt me… because that kiss told me that it isn’t clear for her. I need to make it clear to her… I need to go talk to her. I can’t keep doing this ‘waiting for her to move first’ thing anymore… or I’m going to lose her – that’s what my gut is telling me, and I’m forever standing by to what I said: ‘better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all’ it’s bs. It is forever bull. I can’t let this happen to me again… I was given a second chance at love, a new slate, and I can’t let it slip away. Not again.

“An excuse… an excuse…” I murmured to myself under my breath, as I stepped out of my dorm making my way towards Krystal’s door. I needed an excuse, an excuse to see her, an excuse to talk to her, an excuse to knock on that door, an excuse to walk in, an – my sweater. She still has it. That’s it.
“Amber…? What are you… doing here?” she asked with a slight surprise and a bit of hesitation, as she held the door less than half way open, her head barely peaking through.
“Well… I um…” I was a little stumped, to be honest. I was expecting Sulli to open the door, as usual. When Krystal is in her room, she’s always just in her own little world, secluded through her ear-buds, her writing, her reading, and her music. “Shocker. Sulli didn’t open the door for once.” I said in a nervous chuckle trying to , postponing my actual conversation.
“Oh… yeah…” she said with a shy and soft laugh, as she briefly looked downwards. “… She’s been… seeing someone a lot lately? I don’t think I’m really supposed to say that, but… it’s you… so…” she finished as she raised her head again to look up at me. That’s actually kind of perfect… not that Sulli ever really understands everything we say to each other in English, but at least we don’t have to be too non-touchy as we usually are around her – I mean… if it does come down to that… hopefully…
“Oh… good for her. Right? I think?” I said, right before a very awkward silence. She held her eyes at me, pursing in her lips as she nodded slowly. I realized I needed to bring it up… my excuse. “So, um… I came here because… I was looking – you still have my sweater, right?” I finally asked.
“Oh yeah… I had completely forgotten. I’m so sorry.” She said, as she quickly turned around back into her room to fetch it for me.
“Oh no, I mean, it’s totally cool. Really…” I said as I finished pushing the door open, and slowly began to walk into her room.  Score. I’m in.  I looked around curiously, as I hadn’t seen the inside of her dorm room in what felt like forever. She was rummaging through a pile of clothes she had gathered at the corner of her bed. I chuckled lightly and smiled as I watched her searching through her mess… though my smile came to a screeching halt when I turned to look towards her closet.

The pendant hanging from the knob.

“Ugh! Here it is. Finally. Sorry…” she said with a light chuckle, as she turned around with my sweater in her hand, walking towards where I stood.
“Why are you apologizing?” I smiled lightly at her, as I held myself from taking back my sweater.
“For keeping your sweater hostage for so long?” she shrugged as she squinted her eyes adorably.
“And for kissing me in the bathroom stall?” I brought it up, as her eyes grew a bit wide.
“Can you…” she said, as she pressed the sweater against my chest lightly, insisting.
“Not that I want you to apologize for that, though… and I can’t take that just yet…” I said.
“Why…?” she asked in a plead.
“Because then I’d lose my excuse to see you… So, you don’t have to apologize for keeping it this long.” I explained.  She sighed softly, as her gaze lowered sadly, but a bit annoyingly.
“Amber, please…”
“Please what…?” I lowered my head trying to run after her eyes.
“Just take the sweater…”
“I need to talk to you, princess…” I insisted, her hand still holding onto the sweater, holding it against my chest ever more firmly.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” She said, as she brought her eyes back up to meet mine. She tried hard to make it a stern statement.
“That kiss told me otherwise…”
“It was a mistake.” She said hesitantly, as her eyes drew themselves to the side.
“I don’t believe that…”
“Isn’t there anyone else you can talk to? Min maybe?” she blurted in an annoyed tone, as she dropped the sweater to the floor, and began walking away from me towards her desk.
“Whoa… what? What are you talking about?” I asked with a light scoff. Why did she so suddenly bring up Min? Pretty random, I’d say… I quickly reached down to the floor to grab the sweater, as I walked after her. She began to sit in front of her laptop, trying to ignore me. I adjusted my back against the desk, as usual.
“Well… you’ve been hanging out with her so much lately. It’s all over her instagram account… and yours…” She’s being jealous?  
“Now, hold on a sec… I’m doing what you told me to do, giving ourselves space?”
“Yeah, and I thought you’d be hanging out with Henry or something… not Min…”
“Henry and I are in the same company. We see each other a lot more often. You know