Familiarly Unexpected

I stood outside of the exit gates of the airport in Los Angeles, gripping tightly onto the strap of my book-bag and my other luggage held in my other hand. “Damn it, man… I forgot to bring an umbrella.” I said to myself under my breath, while staring at all of the cars going back and forth, people getting picked up – both cars and people getting soaked. How could I forget about the typical and unforgiving Los Angeles rain of December?

Cold and sharp.

Blink 182 - Down 

I really needed to react -- call a cab or somebody. Anybody. But I couldn’t move. I was back in L.A. again. ing hell.  Back in L.A.? Are you kidding me? I couldn’t believe it. It’s like I had been numb or completely out of my body during the entire flight back; but touching ground now, feeling the concrete underneath my Jordans, smelling the air, seeing the faces, reading the signs – it all felt so damn surreal. It’s that feeling you get when something horrible happens that you never thought could ever happen to you.  And as you’re seeing it all unfold, you still can’t believe it, even though it’s right in front of your stupid face; even though you’re experiencing it first hand, live and rolling… just like watching a movie or something, or watching myself in my own dream. I’m seeing the rain fall, and I don’t believe it. I still don’t believe it – that I’m here.  And the more I try to convince myself that this was for the best, the more of a failure I feel like. Telling myself that I made a decision to come back here because it was good for me, but yet why do I still feel like I ran away instead? Ran away because I had no other choice; ran away because of fear, because of bull -- because I literally cannot keep my heart stuffed up my sleeve.  It all felt so totally and completely surreal. I’m here where she isn’t. I’m here and outside of my dream. This is all like some cruel and sick time reversal joke. I’m back to square one, and the only difference is that my heart is just more bruised up than it was before.

Gosh… never the again.

“Whatever…” I said under my breath, almost deflated and followed by a resigned sigh. I was pouting like a baby and holding it back as much as I could. Too late now for regrets, to turn back or anything else… I’m here now. I gotta think positive, right?

I take a deep breath in and let it out, raise my hand away from my book-bag strap and call a cab.

I gotta think positive. Surprising my mom and my sister for the holidays is a start. They have no idea I’m here, or that I requested a hiatus. For all they know, I’m drowning in schedules right now. Well, I am drowning. Not in a flood of schedules, but in a totally different flood – a tsunami that I predicted, that I saw coming in the cracks… and didn’t move.


The door of my once home opens and I was hella nervous about it being my mom, being that I had basically avoided her for months just to not have that conversation. I expected to see Jackie, but instead “Amber?” he said with a confused yet surprised look that slowly turned into a soft smile.
“Whoa, y Hispanic dude alert.” I jokingly said. It was Esteban, and the joke came out of me like a broke-down reflex. It’s like I picked up the cup expecting orange juice, and it was water – not a very great feeling. Being able to see Jackie right now was probably the single thing I was looking forward to, hoping that maybe the sight of her would be enough to at least catch a glimpse of a floating lifesaver somewhere in the middle of this flood.
“Esteban, I said to not answer the door…” Jackie’s voice crept up behind Esteban’s shoulder in a whisper. “Jo?!” she exclaimed the second she saw me, as her head popped up right behind him.
“Jackie, I don’t think we have a 911 for y Hispanic dudes inhabiting our home.” I said, as I held a fixated and half baked smile on my face, and feeling my eyes grow slightly wide the second Jackie hit my line of vision. I felt a moment of internal panic and almost confusion, because I was psyched to the fullest to finally see my sister again, but also afraid because she’s my sister – if anyone could read the words behind this mask, it was her.

Esteban bashfully laughed. I was definitely chocked, and tried to hide it as best as I could.

There she was… my family.

Running out the joke was the only thing I could muster to say in order to keep myself from bawling from joy and pain all at the same time.
“What – what are you doing here!?” Jackie’s surprise also turned into a smile, as she imposed herself in front of Esteban to reach out and attack me in a sudden hug.  I took a while to wrap my arms around her, but I did eventually, as a short-lived sense of relief came over me.  I was disappointed, the dosage of happiness I was expecting -- it just wasn’t enough. It was supposed to last longer… what the hell?
“What am I doing here? What is he doing here?” I responded. I knew what he was doing here, but it was just a too easy of a tease to pass on.  Jackie held the hug for a little longer “I’ll take a wild guess and say… you? He’s doing you?” I continued, as she suddenly released the hug, took away the snapback covering my head and ruffled up my hair.
“Not even two seconds of you being here and you’re already embarrassing me. You make me so proud.” She said. We all laughed and started to walk into the house, as Esteban grabbed a piece of my luggage to help bring it in. “Either way, do not tell mom.” She finished.
“Where is mom, by the way…? Oh gosh… what happened to our house?” I said, as we walked into the living room. It was a mess. I dropped my book-bag on the couch, and briefly made my way towards the bedrooms to peak. They were just as messy, probably more.
“Kind of what happens when the only OCD person of the house leaves. Oh, and mom is at a Church retreat…” Jackie shouted out, as she had made herself over to the kitchen. Esteban had brought my luggage into my bedroom, and then followed Jackie towards the kitchen, as well. “… She has no idea Esteban is here, and she’d flip if she knew I’ve been having him over while alone. Which is why he wasn’t supposed to answer the door.” She jokingly glared at her boyfriend as he walked into the kitchen.
“You mean what happens when a Blastoise and a Charizard have a face off?” I said, as I had also made my way over towards the kitchen, and began leaning over the dining table. Jackie was fetching something in the fridge, and Esteban seemed to be stirring something over the stove top.
“Wouldn’t be much of a face off or a mess. Blastoise would end Charizard with a single Surf move.” Jackie said, as she placed a cup of water right in front of me on the table.
“Okay, see? This is why my Pokémon card collection will always be better than yours. Charizard can fly, dude, and he knows way more than just fire moves. He can dodge any water attacks Blastoise throws his way, easy.”  I objected.
“Unless Blastoise makes it rain.” Esteban chimed in, as he turned his face over his shoulder. Jackie chuckled softly and planted a smooch over his lips as thanks for being her knight and shinning armor or whatever.
“Okay. Ew and pshh… what?” I scoffed  “Rain dance? 50% increase in power won’t mean nothing if Charizard is dodging in the air, duh!” I defended Charizard’s honor as I sipped on my water. Jackie’s arms were wrapped around Esteban’s waist from behind as he continued to attend to the stove top, completely oblivious to my counter-argument. “Umm, guys? There are children in the room, ya’ know?” I said with a chuckle. 
“Yeah, yeah, yeah… whatever you say." She let go of his waist and began to walk towards me. Hey, Llama… can we talk for a sec?” Jackie asked, as her tone went from cool relaxed to seriously worried, and my guts convulsed into some shape that probably doesn’t even exist.  I started coughing uncontrollably as the last sip of water I had taken made its way down the wrong pipe. I slowly lowered the cup of water back onto the table and nodded, as she placed a hand on my arm, pulling me aside and into the living room. “Are you okay?” she asked, as her hand unwrapped itself from my arm, and began to instead rub it gently. 
“Oh yeah…” I responded, still finishing a cough “… just wrong pipe.” I released a deep sigh right after clearing my throat one last time  “… you know.” I finished.
“No… I mean… what are you doing here? I asked you earlier at the door and you avoided my question.” She insisted -- clearly reading every single comma, period, apostrophe, sentence and paragraph plastered against the skin of my face as my mask was slowly running thin.
“Oh… umm…” I chuckled nervously as I gulped “Uhh… surprise…!” the wimpiest effort for an excited tone of voice I have ever done in my entire life. Period. And it fell off pretty evidently right at the very end, just like the sound of a Weezing.
“Surprise?” she said in slight disbelief and confusion, as she took a step back to take a better look at me.
“Yeah, dork!” I poked her shoulder with a slight push. “I wanted to surprise you and mom for the Holidays, uhhh duh?”
“But you sent me your schedule. I saw your schedule. There was no way you could come, remember? We talked about this.”
“Yeah… and I requested a hiatus. I uhh…” I looked down at my not so injured ankle, and was ashamed myself at how full of I actually was. “I injured my ankle, so… ooooh! Kind of like an honorable discharge.”
“That’s a general discharge, not an honorable discharge.” She teasingly shook her head at my mistake, and bent down to take a closer look at my ankle. I raised my foot slightly signaling which one. “You’ve been fine this whole time, what’s wrong with it?” she asked.
“Well, it’s good enough to walk on just not good enough for performances. Those dance moves would take a much larger toll on it, you know?” I nodded at what I said, and also at myself for successfully replacing my mask.
“I call bull. Why are you here?” she sternly said, as she had suddenly appeared right in front of my face again. She was serious.
“W-what?!” I scoffed. “Dude, I’m serious. Why else would I be here?”
“I dunno, Jo…” she sighed as her serious facade faded so suddenly, as her eyebrows furrowed into this deep worried sadness… almost like helplessness. I’m sure she felt helpless at knowing exactly what was wrong, knowing exactly what was written behind mask after mask… after mask, after mask – but unable to get me to confess.  She was begging me to give in.  “… you tell me… why else?” she finished.
I was stumped at the look in her eyes.  My own eyes grew wide as I was caught off guard. I gulped and turned my gaze to the side, ever so slightly, away from hers, as I then entered into an internal panic. My brand new mask had shattered instantly at her reaction. I was panicking because I was finding it increasingly harder to continue to hide my feelings… I used to be so good at it. I was panicking because I had no idea what was happening. I was panicking because I had been trying so hard to not think about her in such a specific way. And so, just like a wounded animal that’s been pushed into a corner…
“Will you just back off?! Gosh…!” I exclaimed in an angry tone, storming over towards my book-bag to pull out my hiatus paperwork. I made sure to keep my eyes down as I walked away, holding back tears, and instantly regretting the way I spoke to her. She turned towards me in silence as my back faced her, and as I rummaged through my folders. “Look, okay?!” I turned back towards her, even more flustered than before and holding up the paper in between both our line of sight.  “See?! I’m not ting you!” I said. She brought both hands up towards the top of the paper, lowering it slowly -- as if she was tearing down the heaviest gate – clearing the path for our line of sight to meet again.
“You’re an idiot.” She said softly, as she closed in suddenly to wrap her arms around me – sinking me into her embrace, as the paper dropped to the floor.  She had seen this reaction on me before -- this face before.  She knew something or someone had died – literally or figuratively – it didn’t matter.  My cheek was pressed against her shoulder, my eyes wide, and I soon felt her sleeve begin to get moist. My arms hung heavy at my sides – lifeless.
“Amor! Food is ready!” Esteban shouted out from the kitchen.
“Okay, babe… can you keep it warm?” Jackie replied, hinting that we would still be held back a bit longer.
After feeling her sleeve getting moist, my arms immediately reacted – my hands reached towards my eyes, rubbing them dry. I then pressed my hands against Jackie’s shoulders, pushing myself away from her embrace in an effort to catch my breath -- to get a hold of myself. My eyes were facing down, as I reached a hand to cover my lips, my chin – pressing and rubbing against them slowly, as I tried to pace my breathing.  I used that same hand to my hair all the way to the back of my neck, as if I was trying to somehow knock off all of the frustration I was feeling onto the floor or something. I kept my hand hung over the back of my neck as I then lifted my eyes to face Jackie again.
“I’m fine.” I said with a nervous chuckle. “I’m okay.”
“What happened, Jo? Talk to me.” She insisted.
“Nothing, alright?! It’s over, okay? It just didn’t work out, you know? happens. That’s all.” I said, as I nervously and roughly rubbed that same hand against the back of my neck nonstop. I was frustrated at all of the feelings I kept trying to hold in