Black Out: It's My Clean Slate

It's Saturday 11:45 PM -- 15 minutes until my 21st birthday, and I'm curled up in the corner of the dark bathroom stall in our touring trailer, right in between the toilet seat and the sink cabinet.  I scrunch up my nose as it touches the tip of the toilet paper roll that's right in front of me.  I feel a tear roll down to the tip of my nose, as it soaks right into the paper roll.  My cheeks are burning red from embarrassment.  How did I get here?  It's like my body automatically found this place.  Probably because it's really the only time of privacy I have when on tour.  Even when it's to sleep, I have to bunk with everyone else.  Maybe that's why it felt the stall as a safe haven, as the only room that can be locked and isolated.  "...!"  My heart aches.  "Amber, you're a ing idiot."  I say to myself under my breath.

"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service

Just about 4 months ago at around this same time, I was in Los Angeles, California lounging in my room.  I was lying on my bed and listening to one of my favorite songs at the time.  I started daydreaming about singing and dancing it on a stage to a crowd full of lovers.

"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned."  I sang softly under my breath as I lied on my bed.  The Postal Service and their awesomeness, seriously.  'Such Great Heights' was on repeat on my laptop, and my eyes were shut closed out of pure bliss.  The only light in my room was my Lilo and Stitch night lamp, so the room was dim and chill.  I was so glad I bought that Glades Pineapple air freshener thingy, too.  Ahh, my room was hella nice to be in.  Especially right after a shower, when I could just unapologetically chill in boxers and a tank top, feeling oh so fresh and clean;  my still wet black bangs resting over my eyebrows felt so cold, in a good way.  I took a deep breath in and out, as I lied on my back with my arms spread out... feeling myself drifting into sleep...

Floating on a cloud...

Our cerulean sky...

"Hey Jo, have you seen the razor?  I need to shave my legs, like ASAP."  Jackie asked while busting in through my door, so nonchalantly. 

"Jackie, seriously?  You can't knock first?"  I asked with a cranky tone, disrupted from my almost sleep state.

"Did I wake you up?"  she asked, feeling sorry. 

"Well... no.  Not really, it's fine."  I said as I moved towards one of my drawers to fetch for the razor.  "What are you doing shaving your legs so late, anyway?"  I asked.

"I'm going to the beach early in the morning with Esteban and some friends.  I've been busy being excited all day that I totally forgot to shave."  she explained.
 
"You're still seeing that Hispanic guy?"  I asked surprised.

"Uhh yeah?  Why?"

"I don't know... didn't you say you two had a y first date?"

"Well, yeah... but it was mostly my fault.  I'm actually surprised he called me back.  I was such a nervous wreck, I could barely keep a conversation."  she said, with an embarrassed giggle.

"Ew, you're all bubbly happy about it.  Wellp!  Good luck, sis."  I teasingly said, as I handed her the razor and started to close my door.

She held the door lightly before I could finish closing it and asked, "Amber, are you nervous?"

"About the auditions tomorrow?"  I was slightly caught off guard by the question.  "A little... but I know I'm awesome so I'll be fine."  I continued, quickly recovering with my typical cocky humor and dorky grin. 

"Cocky much?  Don't stay up late, Llama."  she teasingly said, after she slightly rolled her eyes at my response. 

"Confident, not cocky.  And I was working on it right before you busted through my door all cray-cray.  Night dork."  I said as I closed the door.

That was my older sister Jackie.  She calls me 'Jo' when she wants to be sweet or needs anything from me, which is short for my middle name, Josephine.  Then she calls me 'Llama' when she wants to tease me, since she says my face looks like a llama, and so it's just been a non-stop joke ever since it came up.  She's three years older than me, she's all sorts of awesome, and the only one that knows about my... secret, I guess.  Also, the only one who never judges me about it or thinks it wrong that I sing in the church choir regardless.  Well, not that anyone else judges me since no one else really knows, but they judge it indirectly, which still hurts like hell.  Jackie never saw it wrong when I told her that I've felt this way since I can remember.  She never saw it wrong when I fell in love with Soyeon in my Senior year of highschool.  She never saw it wrong that I dated her for that whole year.  She never saw it wrong when I told her that Soyeon and I lost our ity to each other, and she never saw it wrong when I cried her in silence after the accident.

The accident.

It wasn't anything fancy.  It wasn't anything dramatic.  It wasn't a car crash, a plane crash, a terminal illness, it wasn't even an accident.  I just prefer to call it an accident, but it was a mistake.  Though mistakes could also be accidents, and if she were alive right now, she'd regret it.  

Mistakes are to be regretted. 

But I don't regret loving her.  Not one bit.   it.  Who am I kidding, right?  Of course I do... sometimes.  Loving her -- loving each other -- I wouldn't categorize it as a complete mistake.  But either way, Jackie never saw it wrong.  She still doesn't, and it feels great that at least she knows.  God knows what will happen if my mom ever finds out.  I don't think she'll disown me, but probably Bible thump me to death -- well, who knows?  With her temper... 

My dad? Well, he left us before I was born.  So, I don't really remember him at all.  Mom never talks about him either, she just curses him a lot when she's hella angry, which I find amusing.  I'm telling you, the poor bastard must have such a ty life right now from all of the times my mom's cursed him.  Well dad, tomorrow I might start having an awesome life.  I'm on my way to the I & M Entertainment World Auditions.  I'm going to sing and dance my way into my dream, even if it's not to the Postal Service, but as long as it's on a stage, I'll be hella happy.

"Beat It" - Michael Jackson

"Amber Josephine Liu?" one of the staff girls called my name.  It was finally my turn to audition.  My palms were ing sweating so much, and my throat was so dry.  I might have practiced those MJ moves so many times that past week, but at that very moment, my body felt so stiff. 

"Okay Amber, relax... breathe..."  I said to myself under my breath.  "Yes?  That's me."  I enthusiastically responded to the staff.

"Alright kid, you're next! Good luck!"  she responded with a smile of encouragement, no different from how she'd told every other person sitting in that room before me. 

I stepped into the empty auditorium and onto the empty stage, where but only a line of five judges sat staring right at me from across.  I could hear my breathing echoing throughout the giant-like room.  That's how it was for me, everything was a giant, and I was nothing but a termite. 

"Get a grip you ing , you were born for this."  I said to myself under my breath. 

"Excuse me?"  asked one of the judges.

I cleared my throat.  "Hi! I'm Amber Liu and I'm..."

"Amber JOSEPHINE Liu, correct?"  the judge interrupted.

"Uhh yeah... yeah!  Josephine is my middle name.  But I'd rather just go by Amber Liu."

"Okay 'Amber Liu ', what are you doing for us today?"

"I'm going to do an interpretation of 'Beat It' by Michael Jackson."  I responded.

"And you are from L.A., correct?"  he asked while skimming through my profile papers.

"Yes sir, born and raised, Taiwanese decent."

"And what brings you here today?"  he asked as he began to look up towards me.

"I want to become a performer.  I love all kinds of music, but mostly alternative rock, ccm and some hip-hop.  So, I want to be able to perform the music I love for a living, ya' know?  Be part of something big, to somehow make an impact on people with my music -- that's my dream".

"Alright then.  How about you start by impacting us, yes?  Queue music."  he said as he placed my profile papers away, and adjusted his seat.

Man, as soon as I heard that beat, all that tension just vanished into thin air.  My body was moving solo.  I couldn't even help it.  It's almost as if music had a life of its own inside of me.  I destroyed that chorus vocally and movement wise.  If that didn't impress them, I didn't know what would. 

"Absolutely impressive moves, Liu."  said one of the judges.

"Very deep and pure vocals, as well."  said another judge.

"Thank you, thank you so much."  I humbly responded.

"You could use a little more work on those high notes, but I see something there somewhere, even if not as a main vocalist, which is what I know you're mainly trying out for.  Once we make a decision, we will definitely get in contact with you with your results, Miss Liu."  said another judge.  

"Yes sir, and thank you so much for your time.  You all have a great day."  I responded as I tried to hide my excitement and as I began to leave the stage to walk back out towards the waiting area.  While walking towards the exit door, I was saying goodbye to the staff and wishing luck to the rest of the contestants.  Suddenly, out of freaking nowhere, I get harshly shoved by someone rushing into the waiting room.

"Ow...!  Oh my god, I am so...!  I am so sorry, I didn't even see you... are you okay?"  she asked, worried and out of breath.  

"Yeah... ow..."  I said with a faint laugh, as I composed myself and fake rubbed my shoulder.  I was actually fine, just surprised.  "...I'm fine, are you okay?"  I asked.

"I am so sorry, I'm just late for my audition and I think I'm next, and I'm getting called at 2:30 PM and I think that..."  she hastily explained as she completely avoided my question, and while being absolutely still out of breath from running. 

"Krystal Jung?"  a staff girl called out.

"Oh my god!  That's me!"  she squealed with a mixture of excitement, relief, and fear maybe?  As she rushed inside, completely forgetting about our just almost conversation.

I paused for a second, I smiled.  "Cute."  I said to myself, and then I heard it again...  

"Alright kid, you're next!  Good luck!"

I walked out the exit door and made my way to my car to head back home.  

Time to wait.  Time to expect --  man, expect what? I was so getting that call.  I wondered if Jackie had a good time at the beach that day.  I thought I should call her and tell her about how I killed it at my audition.  She'll probably just call me cocky again, I thought.  But hey!  If you owned, you owned.

"What do you want, Llama?"  Jackie answered the phone.

"Yo, you busy?"

"Umm... sort of?  Not really?"  she said with a light laugh.  "Oh yeah! How'd it go?"  she asked.

"Uhh... oookay?  What was that about?"  I asked, referencing her light and awkward laughter.

She laughed a littler harder and said, "Nothing, nothing, seriously.  Just... Esteban being adorable.  So... how'd it go?"

"Okay yeah, never mind.  Definitely don't think I wanna know."  I said with a light chuckle.  "Anyway, it went freakin' awesome, exactly like I said it'd go."  I responded with a triumphant voice.  "When are you getting home?  That way I can tell you more about it." I asked.  She still sounded distracted.  

"Not anytime soon.  We're still at the beach, about to have lunch."  she responded.

"Oh..."  I said, a little disappointed.

"Why don't you drive by, and come eat lunch with us?"  she suggested.

"Umm well -- see, I would, but I kinda already told mom this morning that I'd join her for lunch when I got back.  I thought you would be there, too.  She's been alone all Sunday.  I don't wanna bail on her, you know?"  I said.

"Oh... yeah, I guess you're right.  Well, just tell me more about it tonight?"  she said, trying to compromise, and feeling a little guilty.

"Yeah, that's cool.  Just have some fun, you rarely do.  Are you feeling more relaxed around Esteban?"  I asked, trying to reassure her that she didn't have to feel guilty.

"Umm, yeah I think so."  she said with a shy giggle.

"You are hopeless."  I teasingly said.  "Alright, I'll see you later tonight."  

"Alright Llama, be good."  she said.

"Of course!  I always am.  I'm always a good Llama."

Well, she sounded happy.  I was kinda jealous, to be honest.  I miss that: the butterflies, the smirks, her eyes, the high...  I miss that feeling, but I kinda loathe it at the same time.  Whenever something feels way too good, there's always a price to it, at least in my experience -- well, the little that I have.  I lower my car windows as I cruise down the waterfront on my way home.  I stick out my hand and make it ride the wind -- you know, kinda like flipper riding the waves?  Up and down, up and down, up and down.  I take a deep breath in, and let it out.  It's 'cause it felt too good... Is that why it had to happen?  Is that why you had to go?  I turn around to the passenger seat, and I see her there, shoving it in my face...  "I told you the CR-Z would be better than the Civic, didn't I?"  she says, laughing and sticking her tongue out at me, then taking my hand in hers and planting a kiss right in the center of my palm.  It is better.  Way better.  We got it painted together too, her favorite color: cerulean, like the sky.  Stopping at a red light, I look back to the passenger seat, and she isn't there anymore.  I feel the blank stare on my face.  For a second, it was almost as if my heart stopped, like -- when she's not on my mind, I'm perfectly fine, but when she is... I die.  Suddenly a raid of L.A. horns drown all of my thoughts.  I look up, and the light is green.  Just a couple of more blocks away from home, but whenever these thoughts catch my mind, I sometimes wish I'd never get there.      

I parked the car in the garage, finally home.  As I began to bring up my windows, the scent of mom's cooking hit me like a boulder.  "Mmmm. Is that koe-á-bah?"  I asked myself, as I my lower lip.  I