“I’m scared…”  You whimpered a buried your face into my shoulder while squeezing me around the waist.

“Me too…”

Honestly, I hate being scared and horror movies or scary games never appealed to me.  I really don’t like being scared.  But…  I think I’m starting to like these things…

“Wahh!”  You threw the remote aside and covered your face.

I simply sat there and recorded your reaction.

Aw…  You’re so cute when you’re scared.

With another enemy popping up on the screen, you screamed and reached for me.

“Okay… I think I’ll play from now on, hahaha.”  I patted you on the back.

Because if it means I get to spend time with you for a while, it’s worth it.

“I’m folding you stars.”  You smiled before pointing at the bottle on the table.

I smiled back.

They’re beautiful.

Kinda like you.

You have no idea how much I wanted to hug you at that moment.  You’re so close that I could easily do it by just swinging my arms around, surrounding you in an embrace.  But you’re so far away in the sense that maybe you’d push me off.  It really brought me down.

“Taeyeon, wake up.  It’s almost noon.”  My father yelled at me from the door of my bedroom.

“I’ll be up in a second.”  I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

I miss you.  But you probably haven’t thought about me at all for the past few days.  Do I even matter anymore?  I could die right now, and it wouldn’t make a difference.  A married man who dies would leave trouble for his wife to take care of the children.  A teacher would need to be replaced.

If I suddenly disappeared, I would just be erased.  It’d be like I never existed.  Nothing holds deep attachments to what I am.  I don’t matter.

I sighed and looked around at the environment outside my window.

Snow-covered trees used to be beautiful to me.  Now I see them as just foliage with frozen water.  There’s nothing more to it.

But that’s how life is, is it not?  Inevitably, we all die.  The snow on top just covers death with happy memories if you’re lucky.

… I’m pathetic.  You’re all it takes to turn my life upside down.

I hate this.  I hate having to hold everything in.

“Tae, if something’s bothering you, why don’t you just tell me?”

“Because I can’t.”

“Why not?”  You pouted, but I looked away quickly, avoiding the effects of your eyes.

“I just can’t.”

“Well, let it out.  It’s not good to keep it all in.  Let it out and if not to me, tell someone else.  Please.  I don’t want to watch you suffer.”

“I do let it out.  I write.”

“Well, I’ll be reading about it soon, then.”

Well…  Shoot.

But I don’t think you read all this.  You don’t read what I write.  You haven’t read anything I’ve written in a long time.  Should I be happy or sad about that?  I don’t know.

Sometimes you look at me and something about your eyes turn me into a puddle of cotton candy.  Something about your name makes my heart skip a beat every time I see it or hear it.  Something about your laugh makes my heart flutter.  Something about your touch makes me shiver every time I feel you hold my hand or lean your head on my shoulder.  Something about you crying breaks my heart.  Something about you being with him makes me depressed.

They tell me I should let go while I still can; before I get in too far in this mess.

But something about thinking of letting you go brings me down.  Something about the thought of how you’ll never love me back hurts me deeply.  Something about how I’m only just a friend to you makes me feel hopeless.  And something about having just a year left with you makes me want to stop time.

I don’t want to live my life with my heart locked up with you because I didn’t confess but I also don’t want to live my life with my heart tied to you because I confessed yet I still couldn’t move on.  Love really is a game of luck.  And you know me.  When it comes to luck, I might as well just forfeit the game.

I really want this time to be different.  I want to be able to look at you and smile lovingly without having to hide it.  I want to be able to carry you home when you’re tired.  I want to be able to tell you how beautiful you are without having to hide the real meaning in a jumble of complex words that even I don’t understand.  I want to be able to say good morning and goodnight to you every day without having to use my phone.  I just want to be able to finally tell you that I love you and you’ll know exactly what I mean.

I’ve seen guys look at you and they call you cute or pretty.  But they don’t know who you are deep inside.  None of them have seen your true colours.  Not one.  But that’s because you don’t show them.  I don’t understand why but you keep it a secret between us.  They don’t know that you love the angry sound of storming piano keys when you’re frustrated.  They don’t know that you aren’t afraid of death.  They don’t know that you feel insecure all the time.  They don’t know that you think you can’t live up to your cousin’s achievements.  They don’t know that you’re always scared of losing the people you love.  They don’t know so much about you because behind that pretty face, there’s more to it than just a cute high school girl.

But guess what?  Over the course of three years, I learned all that about you and more.  You’ve told me so many things and I know a lot about you.  But you don’t know anything about me.  You don’t know that I love standing in the rain, feeling it drip on my skin.  You don’t know that I love showing affection.  You don’t know that I love writing so much that I’m constantly creating a story in my mind.  You don’t know that I regret wasting a year with my ex-boyfriend when I could’ve spent it with you.  You don’t know what he put me through.  You don’t know what I’m going through now even if you’re the one causing it.

But what you don’t know and what I really wish I could tell you is the fact that I’m so madly in love with you that I’m sitting here, telling my love story to the world and I’m able to make twelve whole chapters out of it.

All of those nights that I said I would be sleeping late because I had school work…  I was really just writing about you.  All of those times you’ve caught me staring into space, I was really just staring at you.  In all of those days I’ve seemed a little off, I was waiting to return home so I could cry because I’ve never hurt so badly before in my entire life.

When I injured myself years ago, I spent a week recovering after a trip to the hospital.  It hurt but the pain went away as soon as my wound healed.  When I failed a test, I studied harder and aced the next one.  When my parents yelled at me for absolutely no reason, I just learned to ignore them.  I was able to move on from all of these.  But you?  I tried sleeping and healing, I tried studying what to do when you fall in love with your best friend and I tried ignoring you.  Nothing worked.  Maybe there’s one last solution.  And I guess for this problem, it’s the only solution that works.

I have to confess.

It's short in terms of scrolling length but in terms of content, it's quite large, really.  Anyways, I hope this adds on to what I'm trying to show you guys.  It's impossible to tell you exactly how it feels, but there's a way to get close to that.  Ah man...

Hey guys.  Soon, if I get the chance, maybe I can snap a picture of those notes on the box lid.  I really don't remember what I wrote exactly, but I know that I really wanna put that in this story since the words on it are meaningful to me.  Maybe in a month or so.  I dunno.  I'll see.

Happy reading! ♥