I still remember the look on your face that Thursday.  Your eyes lit up as soon as you saw those bright colours inside the box.  Then I showed up at the door of your second period class, like I did every day.  And the second you saw me, you broke into a smile.  I hadn’t seen you smile like that in a long time.

Wow.  She looks…beautiful today.

Thud… thud… thud…

Oh man…

Thudthudthudthudthud…

Even if I would be crying my eyes out at home and I knew that you were bad for me, my heart still wanted you.  I think it was because even if you had a boyfriend, you still treated me like your lover.

“I’d rather die than do all of this work, ugh.”  You groaned after kicking your bag.

“What?  But… eh…”

“I was kidding!”

“I… I figured that out.”

“Do I say things that catch you off guard?”  You chuckled.

I looked down before answering shyly.

“Yeah.”

“All the time?”

“All the time.”

“Aww!  Well, come here.”  You leaned over and hugged me.  “Are you scared that I’ll leave?”  Leaning back, you looked at me with our faces only inches apart.

“Mmh…”  I looked away, feeling my face burn.

“Well, I promise I won’t.”  You smiled while sliding down and resting your head on my lap.

“Then I’ll be okay.”  I smiled back and brushed a few strands of hair out of your eyes.

You even showed skin ship.

“I’ll see you tomorrow!”  You hugged Nichkhun before he walked off.  “Hey.”  You stepped on the bus and smiled at me.

There goes my brain again.  Melting away…

“H-hi.”  I looked at you as you stood there for a few seconds without moving.

“Uhm… Can I sit with you?”

“Huh?”  I looked around the bus.  “Oh!  Right, there’s uh.  There’s no room.”  I shifted over, keeping my head down to hide the redness of my cheeks.

“Hey, do you wanna come hang out soon?  I’m going out to dinner with Jessica, Donghae and Nichkhun.”

“Uhm, no thanks.”

Fifth wheeling, huh?  I think I just set world record…

“That’s too bad.”  You smiled, looking almost apologetic.  “So how was your day today?”  You took my hand and played with it, as usual.

“Boring.  And I’m super tired.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I think I need to sleep earlier.  I can’t survive on less than 7 hours of sleep.”

“I’ve been getting less than 4.  You’re lucky.”

“Hey, I’m not used to sleeping so little!”

“I know, I know.”  You intertwined our fingers.

Is this happening right now?

“…”

“You okay?  You’ve been quiet, lately.”  You gently squeezed my hand.

“I-I’m fine.  Really.”  I forced a smile, keeping my hand limp.

Maybe you just felt like you needed a hand to hold that day.  But then again, maybe not.

The next morning, I stepped on the bus and sat down in our usual seat.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.  Wait, no, I’m the sleepyhead today.”

“Hey, I’ve had way less sleep than you.  I’ve had so much to do.”  You held my hand again.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine.  You always make it.”

“No, YOU always make it.”  You squeezed my hand again for reassurance.

“Believe me; you have nothing to worry about.”  This time, I returned the squeeze.

As stupid as this sounds, our hands fit together so perfectly.

You have special hands.

They’re not particularly smooth or perfectly formed.

But they’re gentle and soft…

On top of that, you still worried about me like you always did.

“TaeTae…  Are you sad?”

“No.”

“Are you tired?”

“Yeah.”  I slid down, slumping in my seat.

“That means you’re sad.”

I shrugged.

“Why?”  You tugged on my sleeve, wearing a concerned face.

I sighed and looked at you, unsure of what to answer.

“Tell me…  Please?  What’s bothering you?”

“It’s nothing.  Don’t worry about me.”

After a few rounds of your pleading and my shrugs, you gave up.  I simply looked away and sighed.

How could I tell you when you’re the reason behind it?  But I think as of now, I haven’t reached my limit yet.  I can hold out.  Well, it’s not like I’ve got a choice.  My religion tells me that love is an act of the will.  It’s never unintentional.  I disagree.  I didn’t mean to feel like this about you.  I don’t mean to do crazy things for you.  I just always find myself doing them.  And the things I say or think are things that would never cross my thoughts in the right mind.  But I guess I’m not in the right mind. 

“Would you rather become blind or deaf?”  Jiyeon asked, out of the blue.

For such a simple question, I gave it a lot of thought.

”I mean…  If I can’t see, I won’t know where I’m going…  If I can’t hear, I’ll have trouble with talking to people.  Man, it would be troublesome either way.  But then again, people could write out what they want to say.  But if I’m blind, I just see black for the rest of my life.”

“I’d rather be blind.”  I finally said, almost ignoring her answer.

“Why?”

When I ran that question through my head, all I could think of was two options.  I could pick being able to see you, but being unable to hear you.  Or I could have the ability to hear your voice but I won’t be able to look at my favourite face in the world.  I think I’d rather be blind.

I know you’re beautiful already.  I could survive without being able to see you, as long as I know you’re there.  But if I can’t hear you, it’s like watching a television screen on mute.  You’re not really there to me because I can’t feel your presence.  Anyone can force a smile when they’re down but nobody can mask being hurt in the tone of their voice.

If I can make you laugh, it means you’re happy, at least in that moment.  As long as I can hear the sweet words that you always say and listen to the sound of your laughter, I’ll be okay.

But something really bothers me all the time.  I always remind myself of the time you said you wanted to tell me something.  I feel like you wanted to confess to me.  I feel like you would tell me that you felt something new around me and you weren’t sure if we were just friends or not.  Even now, I’m not sure.  The words you say to me make me melt.

“Let’s take a break from everything.  Let’s travel somewhere, together.”

“One day, we’ll do it.”  I smiled back at you, admiring the light in your eyes.  “I promise that as soon as I can afford it, I’ll take you on a trip around the world.”

“Really?”

“We’ll go to Los Angeles, New York, San Francisco, Florida, Japan, Paris, Mexico, London, anywhere you like.  You name it and I’ll get us there.”

One day…

I promise I will.

Honestly, I couldn’t care less where we go.  We could be watching the sunset at the top of the Eiffel tower, eating hotdogs at a monster truck rally or floating around near Pluto.  I don’t care.  I just want to be with you.  But I realized that the chances of that happening were so slim.

I stopped going to the after school clubs you asked me to join.  The only reason I joined in the first place was because I just wanted to see you.  Now, you’re too busy for that.  And it makes me feel sad when I look into that same room on Fridays. It’s full of people but without you, it just feels… empty.  When people ask me why I don’t like staying after school, I tell them that I’m tired.  The real reason is school just isn’t the same without you.  Sure, I have one class with you and I see you between periods in the hallways but that’s just enough for a wave or smile.

Every morning, I board the bus and my face drops when I see that your seat is empty.  So I sit down with a sigh and fall asleep while on my phone, I play music that reminds me of you.

I see you every day but I miss you terribly.  So I started asking for advice.

“Hey, Yoona.  Can I ask you something?”  I sighed.  “If you’re in love with someone and they don’t know…  But they like someone else and it hurts you, should you tell them?”

“That’s a difficult question…  It’s not easy to tell them but you should do it anyways.”

“Why?  Is it because they at least deserve to know?”

“Well… that and you won’t regret not telling them.  You don’t have to spend the rest of your life wondering about what would’ve happened.”

I decided that before we went our separate ways after high school, I would confess to you.  It’s the only way I can find an answer.  Then after this realization, I think I started recovering.  Or maybe I just got used to feeling absolutely horrible all the time.  But regardless, I didn’t stop doing things for you.  I’d go out of my way just to make you smile a little.

Tiffany:  Taeyeonie!!! Please, help!  I don’t understand this question!  Or all the ones after it!

Taeyeon:  Fany, this is the first question out of 20…

Tiffany:  …  I know.

Taeyeon:  Oh, my…

Tiffany:  Please! Ahhh, I don’t get anything.

I sighed and looked at the clock.

11:43pm…

Taeyeon:  Alright, I guess I have time.  Alright so this is how you do it…

After finally going through all of the questions, I lay in my bed, exhausted from texting answers and explanations.  I looked at the clock again.

2:47am…

Taeyeon:  Alright, I guess we’re done, huh?  I think we should go to bed.  It’s late.

Tiffany:  It is.  I’ll see you tomorrow, then!

Taeyeon:  Ah, goodnight then!  Sweet dreams and don’t stay up too late!  I love you!

Tiffany:  Goodnight!  I love you too! ^^

I smiled at the last message and gently placed my phone on the bedside table.  Of course, the next morning, I woke up and grabbed my phone.

Taeyeon:  Good morning, beautiful (:

I sent the daily text and dragged myself out of bed, around the house and on the bus.

“Good morning!”  You greeted me with a bright smile, yet with faint circles around your eyes.

“You’re tired.”  I chuckled.

“Yes, I am, but at least I got the work done!”

With that, we both slumped down in our seats and slept.  As soon as the bus arrived, we stepped off and I tugged on your textbook, indicating that I would hold it for you.

“Hey, can you come with me to my locker?”

“But…  I have to go to mine too!  And-”

“Hmph, fine.”  You pouted.

“Alright, alright.  Can we go to mine first?”

“Yup!”  You instantly smiled again, skipping in front of me.

From carrying your books to buying you lunch, I took every opportunity to make your day better.

“I can’t wait to go home.  I’m exhausted.”  I sighed and stretched before packing up.

“Taeyeonnie!!”  You called at me again with your playfully whiny voice.

Argh.  Too cute.

“Yeah?”

“Can you stay after school with me?”

“Uh, why?”

“I was going to have a committee meeting but it was canceled and I have to until 4:30 for my uncle to pick me up.”

“… Alright.”  I answered after hesitating for a second.

I am so whipped.

My mood was really like a rollercoaster.  One day, I’d be incredibly happy and then on the next I could be on the verge of tears.  I decided to write down something about you every once a while.  My results are as follows.

“I need to tell you something” is by far the scariest set of words I’ve ever heard.  To you, it means you’re getting a secret off your chest.  To me It means yet another blow to my heart.  It means I’ll spend the night crying until I fall asleep.  It means I’ll feel like giving up on us.  It means I’ll feel like everything I’ve done for you is a waste.  It means you still don’t know how I feel because if you did, I’m sure you wouldn’t do this.  Would you?  That line is like being condemned to be executed.  I can only sit here and wait for what’s bound to happen.  We’ll never be together.  I know that.  But the fact that I’m unable to let go has to mean something.  Maybe it’s my fate to be in love with someone who can never return my feelings.  Did I something wrong to deserve this?

Sometimes I wonder…  Can you sense it?  Can you sense the tension between us?

There are times where I just sit down and think.  About me, about you and about us.  And I always end up feeling hurt.  Yet somehow, I can’t help but care for you and do anything you ask.  You use me, you ignore me, you lean on me constantly, you complain to me, you interrupt me, you distract me, and you hurt me.  But that’s because I let you.  I often wonder why but I know it’s simply because I love you.

I’m afraid to feel happy sometimes…  I’m scared that once I do feel happy, the inevitable truth will hit me and spoil the moment.

Hey, I know that this sounds stupid but I think of you a lot.  And when I think of you, I get this weird feeling in my chest and my stomach.  And I just want to hug you really badly.  I think they’re called butterflies.  It’s such a great feeling.

Sometimes I’ll see you talking to him.  And for the next few days, no matter where I go or what I do, I feel a pain in my heart that doesn’t go away for what feels like a long while.  The worst part is you don’t even know.  I’m not brave enough to tell you because I’m too scared of losing you.

“Love is a rare thing.  You have to hold onto it when you find it.”  I heard that phrase in some advertisement for an airline company.  But I have to admit that it hit me like a train.  Should I hold on?  It hurts like crazy but at the same time, it feels as great as what I imagine flying to be.  I don’t know anymore.

That first one…  “I need to tell you something.”  You said it to me again.  But when I asked you what it was, you said you forgot.  But I know you didn’t.  You knew very well what it was but you hesitated to tell me. Believe me, it drove me insane.  I wanted to know so badly what you wanted to tell me.

I realized maybe not that much changed after you started dating Nichkhun.  It hurt me, yes but we still had our moments.  And everywhere I went, I still sang love songs out loud.

“You, know, Taeyeon.  You’re not bad at singing.  Actually, you’re pretty good.  You’re not amazing yet, but you’re pretty good.”  Jessica gave me a thumbs up.

“I’m a bit better when I sing alone.  Being warm also helps…”  I shivered and shoved my hands deep into my pocket.

It’s easy to sing when you have a reason to sing or something to sing about.  It’s hard when the one you love doesn’t know you love them.  It’s difficult to cheer you up when I can’t tell you how I feel.

“Agh, I regret wearing this.  This dress makes me look bad.”  You buried your face into your hands while showing me the picture on your phone.

“You’re kidding right?  You look pretty.”  I laughed.

More like absolutely stunning and drop dead gorgeous.

“No, I’m gross.”

Argh!  You’re kidding right?

“No, you’re very pretty.  And that’s saying a lot because I never call anything pretty.  Are you calling me a liar?”

"Beauty is a matter of opinion."

Why won’t you believe me when I tell you that you’re beautiful?  If you weren’t beautiful, would I still lay on my bed every night with a lovesick smile on my face, just thinking about you?  Would I smile uncontrollably every time you said hello?  Would I always have this feeling deep inside my stomach where the only words to describe it are that I wish I could hug you tightly and tell you how much you mean to me?  Would my heart pound every time you put your arms around me?  Would I be breathless every time you smiled at me?  Would I blush profusely every time you hinted at the slightest bit of affection towards me?  No.  Because to me, beautiful isn’t even based on your face or your body.  It’s based on who you grew up to be.  The more I come to love your personality, the more beautiful you become in my eyes in more ways than one.  I guess I’m just lucky that your facial features are angelic as well.  But every time I try to tell you this, you just say…

“You’re just being nice.”

“If I were just being nice, I’d just silently listen to you without disagreeing.  I think you’re very pretty.”

“I don’t believe you.”  You frowned.

“I’ll prove it to you.”

“How?”

“I just will.  Somehow.  I’ll show you what you look like through my eyes.”  I looked at you with determination.  When I realized how awkward I made everything, I looked away, hoping you wouldn’t notice that my face was burning red.

“Alright, then.  Prove it to me, one day.  I’ll believe you if you can do that.”  You smiled.

“I will.”  I wore my best look of determination.

I want to be the one who makes you feel beautiful.  I’m trying.  Just give me a little time.  I’ll show you how great you really are.  You’ll see.

“Well, good luck.”  You placed your hand on my cheek, turning my head to look at you.

“A-ah.  W-what are you doing?”

“Playing with your face.  Why are your cheeks so warm?  They’re red too!”

“What?  Ah.  Uhm.  The wind?”

You raised an eyebrow at me.

It’s not every day that you get to tell an angel that she’s beautiful.

I looked away again.  “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“Don’t worry!  It’s cute!”  You laughed at my reaction.

Although we still had these moments, I was confused and heartbroken.  Jessica really didn’t help, either.

“Hey, guys!”  Jessica smiled and waved at us before dragging us aside.  “So Tiff…  How was the date last night?”

Instantly my smile faded.

Wow, Jessica.  Thanks.

“Uhh…  Fun?”  You smiled while blushing.

“Oh my gosh, Taeyeon, aren’t they sooooo cute?”

“…  Yeah.”

“She doesn’t care about this stuff.”  You laughed and playfully shoved me.

“It’s not that, it’s just…  Ah, nevermind.”  I tried walking away but Jessica hooked her arm around mine and kept me in place.

“Stay.  So, Tiff.  Are you guys like… A thing, now?”

“No… Not yet.”

“Well, wouldn’t you want to be with him?”

“I wouldn’t mind if I was…”  You smiled again, shyly.

“Awww!  That’s so cute!”

“Stop…!”  You squeezed your eyes shut and turned away, embarrassed.

Not wanting to hear any more, I turned and walked to my classroom.  Unfortunately for me, you both followed me, still keeping the topic in place.

I’d rather fall off a skyscraper right now.

I thought it’d stop right there.  But it didn’t.  The conversation followed be throughout the entire day.

“How was your test yesterday?”

“Not good…”  You sighed.

“I’m sure you did fine.  You’re always perfectly fine.”  I smiled and sat down, pulling out my lunch.

“Trust me, I didn’t do well.”

“But you’re smart!  And you’re hardworking!”

“Not at all.  But thanks for the compliment, eh?”  You sat down and playfully punched me in the arm.

“Hi!”  Jessica joined the table and sat down across from us.  “Soooo…  Tiff, how’s Nichkhun?”

Oh my gosh… GO AWAY, WILL YOU?

Despite the frustration, I smiled politely and turned to Yoona for a conversation to distract myself.

“Nichkhun…  Adorable…  Perfect…  You guys should make it official…”

My goodness, Jessica, stop!

For the love of God!

Could you spare my heart just this once?

I realized that I really needed to do one thing and it’s one thing that I still need to do.

“I wish I could turn off sound and then scream everything I need to scream.”  I sighed to Yoona who, just like Sooyoung, had become another person to turn to for advice.

“Yeah.  A mute button for the world, huh?  That’d be nice.”

“Honestly, why doesn’t that exist?”

“It should exist.”

“What do I do?  I really like her and I don’t know if I should tell her or not.  I’m scared that the reaction won’t be good and we won’t be friends.”

“Well you can’t just leave high school without them knowing.”

That’s true.  And again, I tried showing you how I cared.  But that only slapped me in the face.

“I’m cold.”  You rubbed your arms.

“Oh, would you like my sweater?”

“No, no, it’s fine.”

“No, here.  Take it.”  I removed it and tossed it in your direction.  Instead of putting it on, you only slid your arms into the sweater and pressed your face into it.

“What are you doing?”  I laughed, seeing the way you were acting.

“It smells nice.  After so many years, your scent hasn’t changed.”  You smiled.

“Uh, yeah!”  I turned away, blushing a little.

“She’s adorable, isn’t she?”  Jessica butted in.

“Taeyeon never calls me cute.”  You pouted.

“Hm…  You’re cute.”  I smiled in return.

“Isn’t she?”  Nichkhun chimed in from the side.  “She always is.”

“Aw, you guys.”  Jessica squealed, watching the couple before her.

Okay… Ow.

I took that as a signal for me to leave.  I sat down in my seat, shivering a little.

When that didn’t work, I even tried praying for answers.

I sat down on the church pew, taking off my jacket before kneeling to pray.

Honestly, I don’t know why I go to church.  I couldn’t care less.  I know I am religious in name but honestly…  I really don’t care.

But even if my beliefs aren’t completely solid, I do pray.  I pray all the time because I pray for you and that if there truly is some powerful being up there, I want Him to protect you.  Even if it means that He’s unable to save me, you’re safe.  You’re alive.  You’re happy.  I’m happy.

____

“Hey, Tiff, this is my class.  Are you going to be alright on your own?”

“Yeah, I think I’m going to be okay.”

“I’ll see you later then!”  I extended one arm out and hugged you.

“Bye.”  You pulled back but then pulled me back in.  Instead of another hug you planted a kiss on my cheek.

“Oh-” I looked at you with a shocked expression.  In response, you blushed and turned around to leave.

“Wait, what was that for?  Hey!”  You didn’t reply.  You kept walking.  “Hey!  What’s happening?”

____

I opened my eyes and sat up.

Damn.

I sighed and shifted my feet off the bed.

That felt so real.

Feeling the pain return to my chest, I stood up and sighed again before continuing with my day.

I think there’s already been more than enough proof and anyone reading this knows but when I start seeing you in my dreams, I can say that I’ve officially gone insane.

I started this story hoping that you’d never read it.  Maybe in the future if we somehow ended up together, then I’d show you.  But now, I’m not sure if I want you to read it or not.  I want to hide it in case it could ruin what we have.  But I also want to you show you what you’ve done to me.  I want you to know how I feel about you and what you look like in my eyes.

And hey.  Beauty is a matter of opinion, right?  Well this is my opinion of you.

You’re beautiful.

So I was up, late at night, reading and replying to comments.  We all have such similar problems!  Ahhhh!  Well to anyone going through this (which is like a majority of you probably) good luck!  I know it's not easy but I hope we all see a happy ending.

Happy reading! ♥

PS:  If your girl is a complete chicken, have a horror movie marathon with her.  She'll cling on to you like saran wrap clings to itself when you accidentally fold it.  But the downfall is because I'm not so great with horror either, I felt nervous to be downstairs in my house at night.  Oh well.  Totally worth it if I get to hold hands and hug for a few hours...  ;)