These weird thoughts kept coming back.  Of course, I tried to distract myself from these thoughts.  I thought that there must have been something wrong with me.  That’s when I met people like Sooyoung, Yoona, Jiyeon, Sunny, and Taemin.

I have no idea how I met Sooyoung.  Somehow, we apparently came from the same school before I switched.  Oddly, I had no first impression.  It wasn’t until later we actually started talking as friends.  I never thought she’d be the first one I’d tell about my ‘problem’ with Tiffany.

I remember Yoona.  She has the exact same humour as me and she fangirls just as hard.  But even in the midst of joking around during first period, I’d still be thinking about Tiffany.  It was weird to me at first, but I got used to it.  And in the end, I just decided to confess to Yoona, as well.

I wanted to confess to Sunny too, but she was close with Tiffany.  It’s not that I didn’t trust her, but I just couldn’t take the risk.  Sorry, Sunny.  But even so, she didn’t need me to tell her.  I’m pretty sure she figured it out.

Truthfully, I wanted to tell everyone.

But at this point, I haven’t even told myself yet.

The year got even worse as it went on.

I thought that my ‘mood swings’ would stop.

But it happened again and again because they weren’t mood swings at all.

It had something to do with you.

“Hey, Tiff.  Let’s meet up after school.”

“I can’t, I have another committee meeting.”

“Well… what about tomorrow?”

“Uh…  I don’t know.”

I don’t want to stand in the way of your responsibilities.

I understand.

But you always half-heartedly listened to me.

The only attention I got was when you needed someone to cheer you up.

A lot of times, I was the only one around to do it.

Then when you felt better, you ignored me.

This doesn’t feel good at all.

But why do I even feel so bad?

I had no idea.

And I hate that I started to actually dislike Jessica for a while.

Jessica’s quite nice.

I guess I’m just a little jealous.

Sorry, Jessica.

“Hey, tell the bus driver to skip my stop today.  I’ll be staying here with Jessica.”

“Oh… sure!  I’ll uh.  I’ll see you tomorrow!”  I sighed and waved.

What the heck am I feeling sad for?!

“Okay, let’s go!”  Jessica dragged you off, not even bothering to wave back.

I stuck with my guts and trusted that you wouldn’t forget me.

Would you?

Because you said you would never.

I’ll take your word for it.

____

But should I have believed you?

Should I have trusted you and put my heart at risk?

A lot of times it really felt like I was just forgotten.

Like I didn’t exist.

“Tiffany!”  An unknown face ran up to you and smiled while throwing her arms around you.

“Hey!”  You laughed and hugged back before starting a conversation.

I simply stood there, uncomfortable and invisible, listening to a conversation that was far from short.

It’s like as soon as you had another person to entertain you, I wouldn’t exist.

You’d throw me aside and I would wait until you needed me again.

Then I would pick myself up and help you.

I was trying to be strong for you.

But the weeks just dragged on and on, like there really was no tomorrow or yesterday or next week.  Everything was just hell.  And that’s the experience that taught me something about myself.  Things don’t get easier.  As a matter of fact, they get harder and harder as the years go by.  I just got stronger.  Well, that’s just the nice way of putting it.  I think what really started happening was I just got used to feeling terrible all the time so that small things would make my day.  I couldn’t even tell you why I was feeling so bad.

I trust you, I do.  But sometimes I just don’t want to burden you with my self-pity.  So I end up lying to you when you ask me if I’m okay.  And now, you often ask me if I lie to you or if I ever did.  Well, let’s look back at the first lie I told.

“Wait, Taeyeon, you like someone?”

“Uhm, yeah.”

“Who?”

“Tiff, please, I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”

“But you told other people!  Why won’t you tell me?  Don’t you trust me?”

“I do, it’s just kind of embarrassing.”

“So?”

“I…”

At this point, my mind went blank.  I had no idea why it was so hard to say it to you.  I mean, for everyone else, I had no problem admitting it.  For you, it was weird.  I actually cared so much about what you thought of me compared to everyone else.  You were different to me.  I just couldn’t put my finger on why.  But eventually you got it out of me.

“…  Taemin.”

“… Uh, really?”

“Yeah.”

“Of all people, you like Lee Taemin?  Tsh, you have strange taste.”  You laughed.

I honestly thought I liked him.  Maybe I did at the time, maybe I didn’t.  I don’t know.

And anyone who knew would make fun of me.

“You have strange taste in guys, Taeyeon.”  Seohyun smirked.

“I know, I know.”

“But it’s weird.  I mean, your ex is Leeteuk, but your crush now is Taemin.  They’re like… opposites.”

“Hey, it’s not my choice.  It kind of just happens.”

Eventually those faded away after about a week.

But of course, being you, you made fun of me for a whole year.

“Taeyeon!”  The teacher called out my name as I stood up to retrieve my essay.  Suddenly I felt my pencil being yanked out of my hands.

“I’m borrowing this.”  Taemin started scratching God knows what on his desk.

“Hey!  Aw, c’mon, Taemin.  Give it back.  Ugh.”  I groaned and decided to let him keep it.  When I turned my face towards you, you sat there with a sneaky grin plastered on your face.

Oh shut up, you.

I honestly thought that I liked Taemin.  But looking back at it now, I think he was just a distraction from what was really going on.  I tricked myself.  And I wish I didn’t because maybe I would’ve realized my feelings for you sooner.

Because maybe I would’ve lived in the moment more.  Maybe I would’ve appreciated the time we had together more.

“You’re really good at this game.”  You laughed before letting your character fall off the screen.

“I play too much.”

It’s true.  I used to play video games almost every hour of the day that I was home.  Now, I’ve gone months without touching a game and it’s simply because I’m writing.  I wish I’d known about this, years ago.  But I guess, I just played games to take my mind off things.

I sat on the couch, smashing away at the buttons on my controller.

Ahh, tomorrow’s the first day after winter break!  I finally get to see her again!

As I grew older, my interest in playing decreased.  Slowly, I started letting myself think.  I got closer to realizing what was happening.

Your author is a gamer ;)  Well, ex-gamer?  I don't know.  I've stopped playing and I started putting all my free time into fanfiction :P

Anyways.  I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  More is coming tomorrow!

Happy reading! ♥