=Until Death, Soojin=

It’s already late when Tao, Jongin, and I arrived at the mansion. It feels weird as I look around the mansion from the foyer because I’ve never seen the place in dim light. The only light sources are the corner lights by the stairs. I sighed.

“I’m heading to beeeed.” Tao says with a yawn as he lazily runs his fingers through his hair. He turned to me. “Good night, baobei. Don’t forget to apply cream on the burn, okay?” he says.

Oh, Tao. If you only knew how much this bruise disgusts me.

He leaned in and placed a kiss on my forehead. He smiled and I smiled back. He headed upstairs.

“I thought he could read your mind?” Jongin asks with a suspicious look as he raises an eyebrow.

“Are you talking about the bruise?” I asked though I already know the answer.

His lips curved into a smirk as an answer. “…Or maybe. He already knew the real reason of that bruise just by looking into your eyes earlier at the car when he asked you on how you got it. He just doesn’t want to believe it because he thinks you’re not that kind of girl. You can’t even last a kiss with someone even though there are no tongues involved.”

“Why did you do it?” I asked tears threatening to fall. I’ve never felt disgusted about myself until now. It’s not like we did the s with the e and with the x but still...

Jongin’s smirked started to fade and he looked down as he takes a deep breath.

“Why can’t you look at me, Jongin? Do you feel guilty?” I asked and finally a single tear fell on my cheek. I sarcastically laughed. “…Because if you do then I congratulate you. You’ve proven that you can be a ert at times but you can also be considerate and sensitive about what people feel.”

He broke his gaze from the ground and he looked at me with the eyes that say you-are-unbelievable. “Wow! Are you sure you know what you’re talking about, Soojin? Huh?!”

I was taken aback. I gulped.

He continued. “Of course I am considerate! How can I not be considerate?! I knew you had feelings for Kris so I stopped sending you those stupid letters! Even though he and Chanyeol betrayed me I still backed off so they could make a move on you because I was thinking they can make you happy and I was thinking they can’t make you cry like I did.”

Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I looked away from him and bit my lower lip to stop the tears from falling but it’s no use.

“You were thinking it was Kris at the dance studio but you were wrong! YOU ARE WRONG BECAUSE YOU ARE INSENSITIVE! You never felt that it was me singing the song Peter Pan for you. You never felt it was me you were hugging. You never felt how I wanted to kill someone because Kris dragged me away from you. It’s not just you and Kris inside that dark dance studio, Soojin. I’m also there. So why can’t you feel that I’m insane about you, huh?! When I heard you and Chanyeol are together, I want to go jump off the building because my efforts for you to notice me is so ing useless!”

I stepped forward so I could reach him. I placed a hand on his shoulder but he yanked my hand away. I saw a tear fall on Jongin’s cheek but he quickly wiped it away. He started walking towards the stairs. He started climbing up but he stopped on his tracks. He takes a deep breath and he turned to his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I was a jerk when we were at Kris’ apartment building. I promise that would be the last time I’ll lay a hand on you. I’m sorry, Tink.”

I jog along the foyer to the stairs to catch up on him. “Jongin, that’s not fair! You don’t need to be away from m—“

He looked into my eyes. “This is for the better, Soojin. Tao is my friend and he needs you more than I do. I knew what he felt when you kept his hopes up. I don’t want to experience what happened to Tao. I want to stop hoping that you would feel guilty for hurting my friends who confessed their feelings for you. And do you know what you did to them? Do you know what you did to me, to Tao, to Sehun, to Chanyeol, to D.O., and to Luhan? You did things that made us keep our hopes up and in the end… we ended up hurting ourselves.”

“Jongin…”

“…And because I love you that ing much, I hate myself for still hoping that I would find something… an evidence that could tell me that it’s me you love, that it’s me you want, and that’s it’s me you want to spend your lifetime with and not Kris because you know what? You are the one that I want and I ing want to spend my ing lifetime with you, Soojin.”

He faked a laugh. “In fact, I want to congratulate myself right now because Finally! Finally I had the guts to tell you all these things. I was thinking I’d let you know through another letter but what’s the point? If I send you one even though you already knew I am Peter Pan you’d still think it came from Kris because you still love him.”

That moment I want to run towards him. I want to place both of my hands on his shoulders and shake him so he would realize that I don’t feel anything towards Kris anymore but hatred.

He forced himself to turn around and he started climbing the stairs again. But there’s really something about it. It’s as if he’s fighting back the urge to walk away from me.

I opened my mouth to say something before he’d be out of earshot but he beat me to it.

“Oh! And Tink? I just want to say…”

Three words, eight letters, say it Kim Jongin and I’ll tell you what I really feel about you.

My breath was caught in my throat when he looked at me again.

Say it, Jongin. Please…

“I just want to say…”

I almost nodded my head at him to encourage him to go on.

My heart sunk when I saw his jaw clench.

“…Get lost.”

I glanced at the clock and saw 2:32. I had been crying for hours now. I know it is lame but yes, I had been crying for nearly five hours now.

It’s been eight weeks after the first time I met Kim Jongin. Eight week knowing the stupid bastard who almost stole my first kiss. I know this is the worst thing to say especially in my situation with the boys but…

I think I’ve fallen hard for Jongin.

I’ll say this again: It was him. It was him all along. I thought I’m falling for Kris because I was thinking it was him sending me those letters but it was Jongin. It was him that I love.

Jongin may consider the sending of letters the most useless thing that he had done but for me… it is the best thing because through the letters, I realized that I want him to be my first real love. I’ve read a quote somewhere but I forgot what book it is. There’s a quote: Your first real love will make you realize that your first love wasn’t really your first love.

And I want my first real love to be Kim Jongin.

But now he hates me…

I want to break down and cry my heart out and kick myself because it’s my damn fault why the only person who would possibly never get tired of loving every bit of me hates me now.

“Dongsaeng. Hey. Wake up, pretty sleepyhead.” I heard a gentle voice as I slowly open my eyes.

I sat upright and felt Xiumin sit on the side of my bed. I closed my eyes with my head down. Everything that happened last night sunk in and all I want to do is cry especially when it seems like Jongin’s voice as he says ‘get lost’ echoes in my mind. But I forced myself not to. I don’t want Xiumin, who happen to be one of the most understanding people in the world, to realize i'm not okay especially when he is sitting close to me.

For once, I want him to think I’m okay. For once, I don’t want him to worry about his beloved dongsaeng.  

“Hey… Are you alright?” Xiumin asks as he scooted closer. I look up at him and he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. He smiled a real smile and I smiled back. He has no idea it is fake.

“Good morning!” He says, grinning this time as he waved his hands in front of me. I laughed at his childishness.

“Good morning.” I say with a half-smile.

“Hey, dongsaeng. You up for another travel?” he asks.

Oh no. Not again. Please. Maybe next year.

I mentally rolled my eyes because I don’t want to spoil his happiness.

“When? With the boys?” I ask hoping that he’d say yes. I don’t want to travel with only two people.

“This afternoon. Me, Your mom, Tao and Kai.”

Just my luck. I’m sure I’ll have the second round of late-night-cries tonight at the plane.

I nodded.

“Okay! I’ll just go down for breakfast! You take a shower!”

I nodded and he left my room closing the door behind him. I lazily run my fingers through my hair and I went inside my closet to get a towel.  I almost screeched when a rectangular object fell the moment I opened one of the cabinets.

I sighed in relief when I realized it’s just one of my books and frowned when I also realized that some of the book’s pages are crumpled. I picked it up. I almost squealed when I realized it’s not one of the books from my bookshelf. It seems new. I opened the book without looking at the cover and there I saw on the first page:

“Oh. My. God. Don’t tell me I’d be crying for the millionth time because of this book.” I said to myself.

I played with the pages of the books and smiled to myself. I brought it up to my nose and I inhaled its addicting scent. Then something fell on the ground.

It’s a paper.

No .

Is this real?

I squealed when I saw a very very familiar handwriting on the folded paper.

To the beautiful Tinkerbell

I slapped myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and sure it is. I’m not dreaming and this is real life.

My smile faded when I thought of something. There’s a part of me that is scared of unfolding the piece of paper because there’s a possibility that there would be only two or three words written inside. It could be: get lost or I love you.

I shook my head to snap out of my thoughts and I convinced myself to think positive.

I puffed my cheeks and fanned myself.

“Relax, Soojin. Okay? Relax.” I told myself.

Here I go.

I unfolded the paper and it’s not two words or three words. Maybe a hundred or more.

Sometimes I get lost in the illusion that a day will come you’re going to run up to me and tell me that I’m the only boy that stood out among all those who confessed their feelings for you. I get lost in the illusion that you’d only love me. I get lost in the illusion that you wouldn’t need the other boys’ attention to prove that you stand out and to prove that you are the most beautiful girl.

Just like what’s written on The Notebook, every girl is beautiful and it only takes the right guy to see it. That quote isn’t matched for you though, Tink, because a lot of boys already noticed you. A lot of boys have said that you are beautiful and most of them are my best friends.

Now you know what I really meant by the last two words I said to you last night.

Soojin, you are insensitive and indecisive. Insensitive because you have no ing idea there are a lot of boys who are crazy about you. Indecisive because we have confessed our feelings and yet you can't decide on who among us you'd choose. And because you have those attitudes, you broke a lot of hearts including mine. And I hate you and I hate myself because I STILL ING LOVE YOU.

-Kai

P.S. Hurry up on choosing because my best friends are also human. They get tired of waiting for you but me? Until death, Soojin. I will wait until I die.

I broke his heart and I might break it again because I'm going to be stuck with Tao for the sake of my grandfather. Tao and I will have kids and if that time comes, I know it would be too late for me and Jongin to be together. It would seem like I'm not worth of his time and efforts anymore. I'll have no choice but to break his heart all over again but maybe... just maybe he'd still love me with all the pieces. Even though I'm already with someone else.

If only I could break my grandfather's plans, Jongin wouldn't have to wait because my heart is his... right from the very beginning.