=All He Ever Wanted=

“Can you help me?” I asked him, biting my lower lip afraid that he’d say ‘no, I can’t’.

Chanyeol looked at me with sad eyes.

“Okay. I’ll help you.” he says, sighing as if helping me is the worst idea and is against his will. His lips curved into a smile and he looked at me as if he has never seen me before. I smiled back. It’s been a long time since Chanyeol and I exchanged sincere smiles. I like it. I like it that we’re friends now.

Chanyeol stood up and so did I. I placed my grandfather’s letter inside my pocket. I started walking towards the nurses’ station where I have to pass by to get to the elevator but Chanyeol went to the other direction. I stopped on my tracks and he also did when we both realized we’re not following each other.  I looked at him with a puzzled look.

“Do you have anterograde amnesia or something? Where are you going? I thought you’d help me talk to Tao?”

He stared back with the are-you-serious look. “What about your grandfather?”

I looked down and sighed.

Right. I didn’t think about that. Now I feel like I’m the worst granddaughter in the whole wide world.

Screw fear. I’ll find Tao and talk to him without other people’s help. I approached him and held his arm when I reached him. “Look. Screw it. I’ll go talk to Tao alone. Can you watch over Grandpa?”

He gave me a hesitant facial expression. He didn’t say anything.

I held his arms tighter and looked up at him with a small smile. “Please? And the bodyguards are just by the nurses’ station and if you need help you can call them.”

Chanyeol frowned down at me. “Seriously, Soojin? The last time I checked it’s you who needs helping with Huang Zi Tao. You sure you’re okay with it?”

I nodded.

He sighed. “Alright.”

 I let go of his arm when he started walking towards the hospital door. I took a deep breath and looked around. Now it’s just me in the hospital corridor and the bodyguards are wandering along the nurses’ station. I bet the moment I leave they’ll transfer here outside my grandfather’s hospital room.

I started walking and passed by the nurses’ station to the elevator. I pressed the down button. I pulled up the hood of Kai’s sweatshirt the moment I realized I’m still wearing it. The moment the elevator opened, I looked down causing my hair to cover half of my face.

I felt someone move over to the corner of the elevator so I could get inside. There was an awkward silence between me and the person. I didn’t dare to look up though. I don’t want the person to recognize me. What if the person’s a girl and worse what if she’s an Exo fangirl?

I flinched when I heard a manly voice instead.

“I’m pretty sure the both of us would wake up in jail tomorrow, hyung. Faking the test results?! First, you asked me to be your substitute at the test at Washington… and then this?! Who does that these days? High school students who cheat to get better grades? What the ?”

My knees turned jello when I recognized the voice.

Jongin. Wait… I thought he’s in Seongnam? Or maybe he immediately went here the moment he heard about what happened to grandpa.

I heard a familiar chuckle. “It’s still the real results. It was your test results the difference is that it was my name written there instead of yours. It wasn’t me who took the test. It was you.”

It was Tao.

I furrowed my eyebrows. What the hell are they talking about?

I heard someone take a deep breath. “Y-Yeah but… You’re supposed to be the one to take the tests, hyung.”

Then I heard a laugh full of sarcasm. “And then what will happen if it was me who took the tests? What will Dr. Owens say? I’m incapable of— Uggghh! this. I can’t even say it.”

“Hyung, you’re not incapable. It’s not like you have zero count. There’s still a chance.”

Short silence. Jongin spoke again. “What will they think if they see the results, hyung?”

“Since it’s my name written there, they’ll assume it was my test results. They'll think I am capable when the real thing is I am not and it was your test results which says positive... And that means between the two of us it's you, Kim Jongin. You're the one capable."

“Now, we both sound like a married couple who can’t bear a child.” Jongin said with a laugh.

“Nah. I don’t want D.O. to kill me.” Tao says and laughed also. A real laugh this time.

The elevator door opened the two got out first. I followed immediately before the elevator doors would close again. The two walked ahead of me. I quickly pulled down the hood of my sweatshirt—I mean Jongin’s sweatshirt and I followed the two towards the quiet underground parking. I hid by the SUV not taking my eyes off them.

Jongin stopped walking towards the car and I saw him tap his pockets.

“Hyung, I think I need to go back. My phone’s with Chanyeol. You know… He’s my fanboy and my stalker.” Jongin says with a laugh.

Tao just shook his head and laughed also. “Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Thanks for the help though, Kai. I owe you.”

“Anything for you, hyung… and anything for Soojin.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. Me? Why me?

I ducked when Jongin passed by the SUV where I am hiding. I let out a sigh of relief when Jongin’s already out of sight.

I came out of my hiding place and started to walk towards Tao with my heart beating like it would pop out of my ribcage any minute. I heard Tao talk to the driver with a problematic tone. “Can you please follow Kai inside the hospital and tell him to call Soojin? I’m just so damn worried about her already and I can’t call her because we’re not in good terms.”

I forced myself not to smile. I’m glad that Tao still do care about me after everything that I had done to him. I feel guilty and I swear I’m willing to kneel in front of him so he could forgive me. I need my friend back.

The driver nodded and the two both turn to my direction with unreadable facial expressions. The driver turned to Tao. “Sir, the young miss is already here. Do I still have to go follow Mr. Kim?”

Tao nodded without hesitation not taking his eyes off me. “Yes. I guess you need to. I need to talk to the young miss without someone overhearing our conversation.”

The guard nodded and he bowed to me before he left.

Tao shot me a sad smile and he slowly walked towards me. “I never thought you’d still come back. I was thinking you chose to stay with Kai.”

I looked at him.

“Tao, I… I need to talk to you.”

He scoffed. “Of course you need to. You want to clear everything that you’ve heard at the elevator right? Now tell me, Soojin, what did you hear?”

I furrowed my eyebrows and shot him a confused look. “What?”

“Don’t play dumb. I knew it was you. The sweatshirt is too familiar. That was my gift for Kai.”

I tried to process everything when he spoke making me snap out of my thoughts. “Leave, Soojin. Just wait for Kai.”

Somehow, I became concerned. “W-Wait! You know how to drive?”

“Of course.” Tao says using the mind-your-own-business kind of tone.

He opened the car door and was about to get inside when I stopped him by grabbing his arm. “Wait! What’s wrong with you?! I thought you were worried about where am I and now you’re telling me to leave?!”

Tao stared at me with a hurtful expression. “What if I really am worried, Soojin? What if I still do care? Huh? It’s not like it would change everything. You’d still reject me. I can’t do anything about it. You’re bound to be with Kai anyway.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Tao?! Come on! We need to talk!”

Tao slammed the car door shut and he turned to me with cold eyes. “YOU WANT TO TALK?! ALRIGHT WE’LL TALK! AND THEN WHAT?! YOU’LL TELL ME YOU DON’T LOVE ME?! HELL NO! I’D RATHER DIE THAN HEAR YOU SAY YOU DON’T ING LOVE ME BACK!”

I placed my hands on his arms so he’d face. “TAO, CAN YOU PLEASE PAY ATTENTION JUST FOR ONCE?!”

Tao took a deep breath and I could tell he’s controlling himself. “Tao, you need to know that I’m sorry and—“

He yanked my hands away from his arms harshly and says. “That’s bull! Shut up and leave me alone! Soojin, I thought you’re the smartest girl?!! WHY CAN’T YOU ING UNDERSTAND?!”

“Tao, I—”

“Soojin, didn’t you realize? You broke me."

Tao’s eyes are red as if he’s about to cry. I feel guiltier than ever but I have to face this.

“You broke me thousands of times. I’m afraid my ing heart would stop beating any minute because you kept on torturing me with all those ‘Thank you, Tao’ instead of saying ‘I love you, too’ every time I tell you what I feel about you…”

I stepped backwards and wiped the tear that fell on my cheek. I hate myself for hurting him. Damn it.

“I guess I was wrong then, huh. I should stop thinking that this…” He pointed at his left chest where his heart is. “…might stop functioning any minute because you know what, Soojin?! It still keeps on screaming your beautiful name. I could still feel its abnormal beating every time you’re around. I know it sounded gay but that’s the truth.”

“Tao, please, I—“

“No. Let me finish. As I watch you cry in front of your unconscious grandfather in that hospital room, I expected myself to feel the victory because finally… Finally you knew what heartbreak feels like. After you broke mine, Kai’s, Chanyeol’s, Xiumin’s, D.O.’s, and Luhan’s hearts, all I ever wanted was for you to realize how much it hurts but IT! I didn’t feel happy at all! That time, all I wanted to do is to get inside that hospital room and kiss your tears away!”

My eyes became watery. I don’t even have the guts to look at him. After what I had done to him? It’s impossible he’d forgive me.

“I wanted myself to stop being a fool because I might end up hurting myself again if I continue what I feel for you but—! Every time I try to move on you’re always there! Every time I try to avoid making eye contact with you, it’s like you’re metal and my head is a magnet. I can’t help it. It’s like I’m not complete if I can’t take a glance at you.”

I slowly looked up at him and I saw him take a deep breath. He closed his eyes as if he is trying to remember something really hurtful. He opened his eyes and stared at me. “My world was completely shattered when you said ‘I’m sorry’ instead of ‘Yes, I do’.

Tears started streaming down my face. “Tao… I’m s-sorry. I’m so sorry.”

A tear fell on Tao’s cheek. “Stop it, Soojin. Don’t say ‘I’m sorry’ because ever since the wedding, every time I hear those two words, I remember how you made me feel like a fool and useless.”

He puffed his cheeks and bit his lower lip to prevent the tears from falling. “I kept on thinking that you’re just keeping my hopes up and that I don’t have a chance with you anymore. You’re not worth my time and efforts, Soojin, and I should quit worrying about you…”

Because of his words, I covered my face with my palms and cried harder.

He’s right. I’m not worth it.

“…because you don’t care. You don’t care about what I feel. You’re selfish. I was starting to accept the fact that you wouldn’t love me back but then you said you’d marry me so I kept my hopes up again.”

This is too much. Tao, please stop talking.

“Soojin, I would try my best to accept that you wouldn’t return my feelings. I wouldn’t ask you this time to love me back… Just… Just…”

He slowly sat down on the ground and leaned his back against the car.

“ infatuation. love. everything. Dammit.” Tao muttered angrily under his breath.

He sobbed and he buried his face in his hands. He looked up at me with a pleading look.

“Just… don’t leave me, Soojin. Please. I would die if you leave.”

I wiped the tears on my cheeks and kneeled in front of him so we could have the same eye level. I tried to wipe my tears away but they kept on falling. I wanted to lean in and hug him tight because it breaks my heart seeing him like this, yet I still continued hurting him and I hate myself because of it.

I held Tao’s cheeks with a trembling hand, afraid that he would slap my hand away. He closed his eyes as if he’s treasuring the moment. As if this would be the last time my hand would make contact with his cheek.

“Don’t leave me, please…” he whispers.

My heart beats faster as he removed my hand on his cheeks and he leaned in.

That moment, I thought he was going to kiss me but he hugged me tight instead. More tears automatically fell on my cheeks the moment I felt him sob. He buried his head on the crook of my neck and he then whispered, “Soojin, I’m not asking you to love me back… Just… Please… Don’t leave me.”

I slowly nodded causing Tao to kiss the top of my head and he hugged me tighter. I hugged him back.

"Happy birthday, baobei." He whispered.

I smiled to myself and closed my eyes as his masculine scent entered my nose.

We pulled away from each other when we both heard someone clear his throat.

Again, if you guys feel confused, ask me :D

-Jam