November 6, 2011

Kris POV

Staring at the night sky of Seoul, I closely held the recorder in my palm. The lights were happily blinking, giving me a painful memory of Hyuna's twinkling eyes. They're the same as her eyes. Always shining so bright and full of light. But here I am right now, watching them, remembering her with tears in my eyes. On my birthday. I thought it would be the happiest birthday, but I was wrong. Yes, it was the happiest at some point and it also became the saddest one.

Maybe, if I wasn't a coward then to step up and confess to her, this wouldn't be happening. 

"You'll probably find answer to all of your questions." Her mom's voice replayed in my mind again as my eyes darted back to the recorder. Ever since I left their house, I didn't even dare play it. I'm too scared. I wanted this to be just a dream. But as much as I would want to, I can't. Because tomorrow morning when I wake up, I would still feel the same pain in my heart. A pain that no word can even describe.

Closing my eyes, I pressed the play button and focused on what I'm about to hear. A few seconds later on, her voice played. The voice I loved hearing so much. The voice that not even in a million years I would forget.

"Hey baby. Happy birthday." She started. And I can tell by her voice, she's crying already. Just hearing it, made my eyes swell up with tears no. For the nth time on my birthday, I would be crying again.

"Probably, by the time you'll be listening to this, I'm far away from you already. And I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to see me crying because I'm broken because I would be far from you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you anything. Because I'm a coward. I wasn't expecting this, us to happen that it scared me and overwhelmed me at the same time. I'm really sorry. For a lot of times, I've thought of telling you. But my fear stops me. All the time. I haven't been strong enough. I'm so sorry Kris." And the recording paused, all I can hear was her sobs. Just hearing her, made my heart cry too. She didn't like this as well. We're just both victims here of time. She's been suffering all along. 

"I'm sorry. I love you Kris. I love you with my whole heart. What I said last night, those are all true. If you're going to hate me, I would accept it. I won't ask you to wait for me. It would be too much. And if you would search for someone else, I'm going to understand. But I won't stop loving you baby. I won't. I can't love anyone else. Because I left my heart with you. You're the only person who owns it."

I clenched the recorder tightly in my hand, my tears nonstop, just like Hyuna when she's recording her last message. The pain I'm feeling, it must be the same as hers. It's unbearable. I feel like I'm drowning myself with my own tears. And hearing her so broken, it adds more to the pain. 

"Thank you for everything Kris. For those days I'm with you, I was the happiest person. For all the memories you gave me, I would keep those dearly. I would remember them all the time. Thank you for making me happy baby. Always take care of yourself okay? I love you Kris. I love you so much." And the recording stops. But not my tears. They might even be nonstop. Her words, her cries, all replayed again and again in my head. I wanted to tell her how much I love her still. That I would remember her. That I would wait for her. But my mind's too unstable to think yet.