I called him after I finished my dinner. Beep beep beep. That was the only thing I could hear. I tapped my fingers lightly on table. Finally someone picked up the phone. I was expecting it was him but it was not. The one who picked up my call was Soojung. I could hear a crowded sound in the background. I glanced at my clock. It was almost 8 PM. I frowned. What the heck they were doing?

“Yoboseyo? Yoboseyo!?” shouted Soojung.

I blinked and replied her. “Yoboseyo. Soojung?”

“Yes. Who is it?” asked her, almost yelling at me.

“It’s Yiyun! Where’s Hyunsoo?”

“What? I can’t hear you! Wait!” replied her. “Yoboseyo? Who is it?” asked her again after she moved a far from the crowded sound.

“Soojunggie, it’s me, Yiyun.”

“Ah, Unnie! You already back from LA?”

“Yes. This afternoon. By the way, where’s Hyunsoo? It’s his number, right? Or did I call a wrong number?”

“No, Unnie. It’s Hyunsoo oppa’s phone. He was in restroom now.”

“Ah, I see. Just say to him that this is my new number, okay?”

“Okay. Ah, Unnie, so your phone is really lost?”

“Yeah. That’s why I lost all contacts. I still input all contacts on my new phone now.” I laughed dryly. “So, are you two in the middle of dating?”

“Umm… short of… yeah…” She giggled.

“Aww… okay, I won’t hold you longer then. Go and enjoy your date, Junggie.”

“Yah! Unnie…”

I chuckled. “Don’t go home to late, okay. See you tomorrow at class.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow, Unnie”, said her before I disconnected my call.

“What I’ve done?” I hissed while scratched my head. Stupid me. Why I call him? Why I give my new number to him?

Since he had my new number, he never called me. I was really stupid person alive back then. I always stared at my phone every night, hoping he would call me like he used to. Well, he had Soojung. Of course he would make her to be his first priority.

I feel something is missing, your presence. It fades away. I’m afraid I can’t feel it anymore.

We barely talked in class. We only said hi to each other when we met. I rarely spotted him in library and cafeteria. I never see him doing lovey-dovey with Soojung in any random spot around collage. I should be happy cause I shouldn’t see those painful scenes but what was wrong with me that time. I felt so uneasy. That strange feeling inside my heart, it didn’t want to go out. Worry. Yes, I was so worried about him. I wanted to call him but a voice inside my head forbade me. All I could do was leaving the library around 6-7 PM and passing by his apartment to see his bright window.

Let me see you. You don’t need to see me. You don’t need to do something. Just let my eyes see your real reflection. Just let my brain makes sure that the real you standing there. It’s enough for me.

It was our last semester. All my friends were busy with their thesis, including me. I often spent my free time at library, came home around dinner time, and locked myself inside my room in holiday. This thesis killed my brain and sometime made me losing my sanity. I felt like all my lifetime was for this one. It helped me a lot to forget about my terrible love life, at least, for a while.

“Yiyun ah…”, called a friendly voice.

I saved my latest work and looked up. I smiled. “Annyeong, Mrs. Cho.”

Mrs. Cho was one of librarians in my campus’ library. She was a nice middle-aged woman.

“I remember you looked for the newest catalog for study aboard, right?” said her.

“Ah, yes, Mrs. Cho. Did the newest catalog already come?”

She chuckled a bit. “Oh, Dear, I can see the sparks in your eyes.” She gave me a brand new book.

“Kamsahamnida, Mrs. Cho.” I took it and smiled brightly.

“You’re its first reader, Dear. But since it’s new, don’t borrow it too long, okay?”

I nodded. “Just one day is enough for me, Mrs. Cho. Once again, kamsahamnida.” I bowed.

I borrowed that book. I read it at home. I decided to study aboard and got my master degree. My family supported me.

After my thesis done and I got an A mark for it, I studied to get scholarship in many universities. I told none about it, except my best friend, Kim Jieun. It was a wonderful morning when I checked my e-mail in my phone and I read that good news. I got accepted in Cambridge University as a scholarship student and my mom decided we would celebrate it with a dinner at our favorite family restaurant.

After almost five months I didn’t see him, we finally met in our graduation ceremony. He was a bit skinny and his eyes looked so tired. I could see faint black circles around his eyes. What happened with him? He was talking cheerfully with the boys. I was about to call him but Soojung suddenly appeared from nowhere and sneaked her arm around his. They smiled to each other. I felt my old wounds in my heart opened and bleeding again. It was hurt. I unconsciously grabbed tight the black fabric that covered my torso. I bitted my lower lip. I wished that my teardrop wouldn’t betray me.

That night, our batch booked a restaurant for our farewell party. We talked a lot that time and enjoyed our last moment together. It might be the last time of us to gathering and laughing like this. Some were talking about old jokes, gossips and memories. Some were talking about their future, getting a good job that earn enough money for survive in this cruel world, took over parents’ business, getting master degree, studied aboard, and getting married.

“Let’s promise that we won’t lose contact!”

“Don’t change your e-mail!”

“Invite us when one of you getting married!”

“Welcome to the real world!”

And they shouted other yells before we raised our glasses on air. We laughed and cried when the party was almost done. Few of them already drunk. Few of them still a bit tipsy. They continued eating and drinking and chatting.

“So? When you two getting married?” asked Jinri in tipsy tone. I startled and glanced to them.

“Yah! Jinri!” Soojung blushed lightly.

“Just getting married and have babies!” said Jinri, almost yelled.

Hyunsoo chuckled. “It’s long way to go, Jinri ah. Having a good career is my priority now.” He smiled at Soojung while held Soojung’s hand.

I rolled my eyes and finished a bottle of soju in my hand. “Ah…” I put the empty bottle on table and grabbed a new one.

 “I don’t know that you love soju this much”, said Jieun who sat across me.

I chuckled. “I just want to enjoy this night. Let’s drink again, Jieunnie!”

She shook her head. “You sound tipsy, Girl.”

“Tsk. Tsk.” I waved my finger to her. “I want to be a boy tonight!”

“Did you already announced to everyone?” asked her while took a pepero and chewed it.

I sipped my soju from bottle. “About what?” I looked at her. My head was getting dizzy because of noisy sounds around me and maybe because of the soju too.

She leaned closer to me and whispered something that I barely heard. I looked at movement and I understood what she was talking about. “Your leave to England.”

I shook my head lightly. “It’ll be better if nobody knows.” I gulped my soju again.

I didn’t remember how many bottle of soju I drank that night. I just kept drinking and drinking. It made me feel better. It made me could forget all things I wanted to forget even just for a while. I looked around and everything became blurry in my glassed eyes. Their noisy sounds slowly were getting mute. My eyes were getting heavy, so did my head. Then it was black out.

Once I opened my eyes, it was already morning. A warm and bright light hit my eyes. I moa