Since you're bent on dying, don't blame me for doing this!

I tried one more time to the knife down into my enemy.

But my body just won't listen.

Why?

"....Why....!"

LuHan sit up slowly. His face touches the knife's blade.

I widen my eyes at his action.

The color on his face unfazed as he slowly removes the knife from my shaking hand.

I feel as though all strength has been removed from my body and slump to then ground.

What am I doing?

I've lived for this moment for 12 long years. Its all been for nothing...

"Jiyoon."

I hear his gentle voice calling for me but I didn't respond and started to break down instead.

"I'm so sorry. For all the pain I've caused you...."

"You knee...All of it...!"

"Yeah.."

"And you knew that I wouldn't be able to do it !"

"No! With everything I knee about you.....I thought that you would definitely do it."

"If you really thought that, why were you so damn calm about it all!?"

"That surprises me too,"he confessed. "I must have been waiting for this. For the day I get my punishment.... When In saw that picture at your home. I immediately knew that it was a picture of Kim OK Bin. I couldn't believe it... I was shocked yo find that you're her daughter. And that coincidences like this happen... but it was no coincidence."

"Thats right. I knew everything, decided to be a doctor and I came to your hospital. I was actually going to get revenge on your father, who made a mistake that killed my mother and covered up the facts of that mistake... That's why I wanted to get close to you. But, the one who committee the error wasn't him."

"No, the one who made the mistake is right here. I was a resident."

"You admit it so easily."I said sarcastically.

"Its the truth. I'm not going to deny it now "

"Really huh? For 12 years straight, you hid it!"

LuHan looks at me with a regret look.

" 'Now' you say ..... If you have no intentions of hiding it, then why didn't you tell the truth 12 years back! "

"You're right. I should have,regardless of the consequences. I've always regretted it. The mistake and the cover up. So when I found out who you really were, I wanted to tel you what happened as soon as possible. In the field of flowers."

"So you asked Lay where it was?"

"But in the end, I didn't even have the courage to take you there. I would look at your face and I couldn't bring myself to tell you...."

"...."

"If I told you the truth, I knew you would hate me. Anybody would. But....I didn't wanna lose you.. "

"Stop! I got close to you in order to get revenge! I pretended to over you and worked hard to gain your respect!"

"Really....Is that really what happened?"

For a second, I can't speak.

"....Of course it is. I was never really in love with you. Not even for a second. If you're thinking that you can appeal to my emotions, you can't. Not now!"

"Okay...."

"It doesn't matter what you say or how I feel. There's no way I can forgive you!"

'I know," he said sadly.

The sadness look on his face breaks my heart.

"I won't ask for forgiveness. But I want you to understand one thing. I am truly sorry."LuHan bows his head deeply.

"Stop it! Don't do that!"

But he won't stop.

"Not one day had fine by that I haven't thought of your mother. I've also never forgotten your eyes, swollen with tears...I've always wanted to apologize to that girl...for 12 long years...."

"Then why didn't you come and apologized? There are a  million ways you could have looked me up."

LuHan raised his head back.. "I almost did....many times. I almost talked to you at the cemetery."

He....was there ..... He came.....

"But I couldn't... That's why I decided to carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life and live as a doctor. I told myself that's all I could do to atone for what I've done, is to save as many patients as I possibly can."

"Atone?"

 'You think that helping lots of patients and becoming famous is atonement? That my mother's death wouldnt have been for nothing, is that it?"

"I..." he tries to explain but I cut him short.

"I cant lsiten to this anymore!! Tell me have you set thing right? Do you think you've paid for your crime?"

He looked down in gulit. "No."

"Everything you said is half-hearted. You dont even know the meaning of atonement!"

I rushed out out his apartment.

Without my notcing, it began to rain.

But I keep standing, getting wetter and wetter, unable to move.

Why........?

If he apologizes like that and takes all the blame...

Isnt getting revenge meansingless?

My feeling for you.

And my happiness...I thew everything away for the sake of revenge and yet!

My tears run down my cheeks alongside the rain.

If only my memories could be washed away by this rain........

'Jiyoon!"

I heard his voice calling me but I didnt budge.

I have no more strength to run. I stare blankly at the road ahead instead.

LuHan stood in front of me, blocking my view.

"You're right.Everything I've done had been for my own peace of mind. It was nothing more than an excuse so that I could escape , even for a little bit, from my guilt.I'll atone for real this time."

"Atone for real....?"I said softly as I look up at him.

"That's right. No more half-hearted attempts.I will do it myself. I want you to be satisfied."

"Satisfied?"

"Maybe you wont be. Or maybe you'll say that I'm satisfying no one but myself. But I'm going to try anyway. As a proof of my sincerity."

Prood of sincerity...

LuHan seizes my shoulders with both hands.

He lookes directly into my eyes, while the rain is pouring down on us.

"I dont wanna cause you anymore pain. I cant give you back the past twelve years but I can give you a new life. I'm sure of it. Throw away your quest for revenge. Return to be an ordinary woman."

'Like I can do that.."

"I will make sure that you can. From now on, you're a woman, leading a new life..."

"I tried to kill you. I tried to kill a person. I dont get a happy life.."

"You will forget it. All of it.."

"I cant."

I feel LuHan putting his arms around me."

"You can. Your feeling for me were just for the sake of revenge right? They were lies that you told so you can get close to me right?"

"Thats right," I answered in a strained voice.

"Okay, I'm glad I asked."

He releases me from his embrace and offers me a tired looking smile.

"Now...I'm free to atone for what I've done."

'What are you talking about? Just what are you planning to do..?"

"You dont have to worry about anything anymore."

"LuHan....?"

I stare at him.

"I cant take you home tonight. I'm sorry but could you grab a cab instead."

LuHan turns his back to me, avoiding eye contact and goes back inside the building.

His back slowly disappeared from my line of vision.

Even after all this, I'm still in love with him.

I walk vaguely through the rain.

What is he thinking, saying that I dont have to worry about anything?

I dont know what he's thinking, but this quest was started by me. I'm the only one who can settle this.

Honk honk!

Startled, I look up at the roadway, to see what looks liek a commercial vehicle pulled over up ahead.

A amn sticks his head out of the window. It's Lay.

"Yoonie?"

"Lay..."

"I thought it was you. What happened? Why dont you have an umbrella? You're going to get sick!"

"Here, use this."

Lay opens a bag containing a towel with his company's logo embroided on it.

"You sure?'

"Yeah, Ive got tons of that."

"Thanks."

"What the heck Yoonie. I thought theres no way it could be you but here you are... You're soaking wet...Did something happen to you?"

"Yeah, kind of.."

"What do you mean kind of? Talk to me."

"Its nothing important."

"Thats not what it looks like to me."

My eyes slowly fill with tears.

"Hey? Yoonie? What's wrong?...I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong?"

"No, you didnt..."

"Oh?O-oh...must be the rain. You're just leaking!...Just kidding."

Lay's trying to cheer me up with a joke.

And it does makes me relax, a little.

"I've gotta take shelter"

"Huh?"

"Would you like to have a drink with me?"

He look shocked for a while at my invitation, before giving flashing me a smile.

"Y-Yeah! My specialty."

"Thanks for coming out with me like this..."

"Its fine, its fine. I told you...I will always take you up on your invitations..."

"But I said terrible things..."

"Yeah...I'm not the old me, right?"

 I nod my head in answer.

"Dont worry about it. You did give me a little shock but after thinking about it for a while. I realized that what you said was right."

"It was?"

"Yeah, you...You had to overcome a lot in order to be a positive,happy person. And there I was bringing up old memories all the time.... Even though for you, its not just a fun trip down the memory lane."

Our drinks came and LuHan took a sip from his beer.

"I...since you went to live with your grandmother, I was wondering ...I wondered if you could smile again...."

"..."

"So when I saw you at the hospital...of course I was worried but I was also relieved. I thought, you found your path. You were able to overcome on what happened to your mother and make a good life for yourself..... But lately, when I see you. I just don't know anymore. Maybe you were just putting up a strong front when really...."

"No. The stuff regarding my mother...I'm okay with all that now "

"I see.."

In an attempt to avoid eye contact, I reach for my glass.

"Listen.. There's something I didn't tell you before."

"Hmm?"

"When Dr Lu asked me about the poppy field, I asked him. I asked why he wanted to know. And he said that he had something important to talk to you about."

That's right. LuHan said that he wanted it to be there so he could tell me everything....

"That's when I thought, maybe he wanted to propose to you."

"Propose?"

"Was I wrong?"

"Yes, completely."

"Man, I was looking forward to it."

"Now, why would you look forward to that?"

"Come on, I want you to be happy."

"What are you talking about?"

"I never told you this but when I was really little, I said something to your mother. I told her that I wanted you to be my wife."

"What? I never heard that...."

"No kidding. It was a secret between Aunty and me."

Lay has a proud look on his face.

"So, what'd she say?"

"She told me that if I wanted to marry you. I have to make sure that the smile on your face stayed safe."

"My.....smile?"

"Uh huh. If you can become a grown up who can do that, you can come and pick her up anytime. That's all she said anyway."

Mom said that....

"I think that her dying and taking away that smile from you was her greatest regret. So I wanted to get your real smile back. Soo , otherwise I'm sure your mother would still be worries and unable to find peace."

Mom....... 

I threw away the thing that she wanted for me, more than anything.

On the day, I vowed revenge.

"I mean I wish it was me who can bring it back to you. Anyway, it looks like that role wasn't meant for me. But I thought Dr Lay could do it. Not that I know anything."

I want to be happy...

I want to smile...real smiles with the person I love...

But I've made a mess of everything. 

There's no way that everything will be as the same before...

The next morning.....

My mobile rang. ..

Who could it be....

I get up to pick up my mobile but was suddenly overcome by a splitting headache.

Maybe I did catch a cold...

I checked on my screen and it shows an incoming from LuHan.

LuHan......

I recalled the details of last night, bit by bit.

What could he want?

 I think about it and decided to pick up.

"Yes?"

"Beep....beep.....beep....

He hung up.

Well maybe its for the best, its not as though we have anything to talk about at this point....

Or ever again, really.....

I'll set my mobile to block calls from him.

I start pressing buttons but stopped when the icon pop up telling me that I have a new voicemail.

He left  message....

For a second. I'm thinking of listening to it.

But........ I decided against it and stand up. 

My body feels heavy as lead.

I cant do this.....urghhhh

I get back in the bed and called the office.

"Seoul General Hospital, department of surgery."

" Um, this is Jeon Jiyoon..."

"Oh, Kris here. Good morning."

"Good morning Kris..."

"Is everything okay?"

"Actually I'm not feeling well."

"I can hear that. You sounded pretty bad."

"I'm really sorry. Would it be possible for me to take the day off...?"

"Hmmm."

Something in his voice makes me think that he's wearing a troubled look on his face."

"Is everything okay ?"

"XiaoLu isn't coming in today. I don't know what to do.."

LuHan...?

"He's taken the day off?"

"No, its for work."

"Well, it looks like its not the right time for me to take time off."

"No, its okay. We can take care of things here."

"But..."

"I can't have you pushing yourself when you not well. Don't worry about it. Please rest ."

"I'm sorry "

"Alright, take care of yourself."

We hang up and I stare blankly at the ceiling.

What am I going to do?

With everything that's happened, I can't stay at the hospital 

I have to do something soon before I make more problems for the people around me...

While thinking, I slip into sleep.

My mobile rang again, waking me up.

I reach out for it.

Its the hospital, I wonder if they're doing okay.

"Yes, this is Jeon."

"Doctor, its Gayoon. Sorry for calling. I know you are not well."

"No, that's fine. Whats up?"

"Its Dr Lu.....he's..."