If You're Not The One - Daniel Beddingfield

ANGST alert!

An anon left this song suggestion in my Tumblr. So... enjoy?

"Jessi, rest well, okay?" 

Tiffany waited by the door, looking at the brunette, still waiting for a reply from the latter but nothing could be heard except for some occassional sobs and the sound of chair being dragged on the floor as the brunette sat herself in front of the study table.

Tiffany let out a heavy sigh. "Please don't blame yourself for anything that has happened." Still, no words were uttered by Jessica. Tiffany heavy-heartedly walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. She was greeted by the other members who were waiting in the living room.

"How is she?" Yuri asked.

Tiffany was trying to answer the question but grief got the best of her and all her words were drowned by her tears. Taeyeon quickly got up from her seat and pulled the crying girl into a hug. "I miss her already," Tiffany mumbled while burying her face deeper into Taeyeon's shoulder.

"We all do." 

Back at Jessica

The brunette was sitting in front of the study table, staring blankly at the letter in front of her. Her mind was empty. Her body was numb. 

And her heart felt so...

...barren.

Is it guilt that she was feeling? Or is it grief? Or perhaps regret?

She felt empty; as if all her brain signals were conflicting and clashing against one another, creating a geomagnetic storm in her head; forcing it to shut down. As if someone had mixed all the beautiful shades of colors in her mind, that it finally turned black and useless.

It took awhile before her hand was moving on its own and slowly pulling the letter on the desk closer to her.

"Sica-chu <3 Open me :)"

was written in front of the envelope. Her eyes were struggling to fight the tears that were threatening to fall.

She was about to crumple and throw the letter away when she heard a familiar, playful giggle playing inside her head. "Yah, Sica-yah. It's my birthday, you can't reject my offer this time. Pleaseeee~ Please, Sica, Pleaseeee."

An image of Choi Sooyoung clamping her hands together and showing off her aegyo was projected in her mind.

An image that she will never get to see again now.

She smiled to herself, bitterly, as she remembered the Shikshin and her dorky acts. 

Unhurriedly, she opened the envelope and took out the handwritten letter.

"So cheesy," she mumbled outloud, "A handwritten letter? You hopeless romantic." She smiled but her lips quivered right after, unable to hide her sadness.

Holding back her tears, she began to read the letter in front of her.

***

"Dear Jessica Jung Sooyeon,

YOU MUST READ THIS LETTER BECAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'LL BE VERY SAD IF YOU DON'T.

You must be wondering, why am I writing this letter, right? Well, first, because I'm just scared nervous  embarassed to see you. I know things haven't been going so well between us these past few... weeks? months? And it's all my fault. I'm sorry.

Second, I think writing a letter is the best way to convey my feelings to you. 

You know, Sica. I can never speak properly in front of you, especially when it's about US. Because I don't want to lose you ( I can't afford to) but I don't want to be just another friend either, because I love you. Although you already know that very well.

Ppany said it's best if I talk straight to you, like face-to-face, once and for all. But I think some words are better written than said. Because if I blurt it out, you might forget it later or I might turn back against my words, when that happens, it will all be a waste; it will all be just another forgotten episode of our lives. So, I'm writing everything down, so that, in the future, you will remember me (if you keep this letter, of course) and I can never break my promise. Okay? :)

Remember when I confessed to you last New Year eve? I'm sorry about that. I knew I was making the wrong move the moment I saw your face after that dinner. You looked so surprised when I held your hands and asked you to be my girlfriend. But not in a good way though. You looked as if the world has fallen on you. Guilt and uneasiness were painted all over your face (you are never good at hiding your expression, Sica-yah). You didn't want to reject me, but  I know better not to push you for a 'Yes'. That was why I lied to you and said it was all a prank. I deserved that slap. (I didn't sleep for days because of that). I'm sorry.

A week after that, we weren't talking to each other  I decided not to talk to you. Not because you rejected me, but because I overheard your conversation with Sunny. You said I wasn't capable enough to take care of you. I was mad hurt, Sica-yah.

Why?

Because I was always there beside you, and you said I am not capable to take care of you??? I was hurt because somehow, you think that all those jerks that you dated before (and hurt you after) ARE MORE CAPABLE than I am. You gave them a chance, but not me?

I was hurt because you never even bother to ask me why I was giving you a cold shoulder. I was hurt because I felt that I never matter to you. As if my existence is... unimportant to you.

Remember when I was hugging you when you were crying yourself to sleep because Donghae cheated on you, you asked me - why did he put you second when you put him first? I was asking myself  the same question about you.

Why do you put me second, Sica-yah, when you are always my first?

Remember when you said that you felt so lonely because no one was there to love you? That you were waiting for someone to love you but no one seems to care?

I was right there, Jessica. I was right there, hugging you. I was right there, listening to your every word. I was the one who wiped your tears away and took care of you when those s left you. I was right there beside you.

I was right there. I am right here. All the time.

I'm always here, Sica.

But too bad, it's not me you are looking for.

But I can never hate you nor love you less.

I tried. hard.

I guess, it's a somekind of a human mechanism thing. We are always wanting and wishing for the things that we don't have. We are always chasing for someone's heart which doesn't belong to us.

My heart belongs to you Jessica.

But yours, isn't mine.

I ask myself everyday before I go to sleep, if I were to die or perhaps, disappear from your life today, would you even remember me tomorrow? Would anyone even remember me? 

Who will you remember me as? 

Will you miss me like I'll miss you?

I'm sorry again for writing this useless letter. But I'm going to risk it, one last time. I know I might get hurt again but 

In this envelope, there's a ring.

If you think, I have even the slightest chance to be with you anytime in the future, please wear it tomorrow night during my birthday party. 

But if you have NO, absolutely NO feelings, even the slightest tiniest bit, for me, then, don't wear it. Just keep it, or throw it away, or feed it to Prince. Okay?

I'll see you tonight, princess. 

Please be honest to yourself and to me. I stayed strong for you. But even the strongest breaks.

p/s I know this all sounds very desperate and sudden, but honestly, I don't even know why I have a sudden urge to this."

***

Jessica crumpled the letter in between her hands and buried her face in them.

The smell of Sooyoung still lingered on the letter. 

Jessica screamed in as waves of emotions crushed her heart into pieces. Her tears wetting the paper.

Tiffany quickly rushed into the room. "Jessica, are you okay?"

She turned the bawling girl to face her. She was still burying her face in her hands. Tiffany stood in front of her and pulled her close, rubbing the girl's back.

"Sica-yah, you'll be at the dorm tonight, right? For my birthday?"

"No, Soo. I have a date."

"Eh? But, it's my birthday."

"Sorry, babe. Can't be there."

"Sica, have you read the letter I gave you yesterday?"

"Nope. Why?"

"...... That's okay. But can you at least celebrate my birthday together with the girls?"

"Sorry, Soo. I have my own life. Plus, aren't we too old for all these? Aren't you bored? Grow up Soo. It's your birthday."

"She's gone now, Tiff." Jessica said in between her heavy sobs, "And the last thing I did was hurt her."

Tiffany said nothing. She was fighting her own tears too.

"IF I DIDN'T HURT HER, SHE WOULD BE HERE. WITH US. CELEBRATING HER BIRTHDAY! SHE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE!"

"It's all my fault, Tiff. All mine." 

Jessica slowly slipped the ring onto her fingers. 

"Maybe, I do love you, Sooyoung."

If you could just stop chasing what you want and turn around, perhaps you could finally see who is there all this while for you.

Perhaps you don't have to lose something, to gain something more.

Maybe they are right there by your side all this while. Maybe you looked too far, for too long.

Hello!

Sorry for any mistakes or errors.

I'm sorry for the short hiatus and coming back with an angst.

Sorry if that though.

Thanks for subscribing and reading! AND please leave your comments, okay? ^^

p/s I'll go through the song suggestions and see if I can come up with anything, k?