Minho’s POV

I took a final breath before I went out of my car. “You can do it Choi!” I glanced at my phone, sulli didn’t send me any message, at this time maybe they were still busy with EXO’s event, Ill just contact her later.

I took the flowers that I bought from the back seat and walk towards her. It was very peaceful here, far from the busy streets of seoul, I feel a lot of emotion as I walk towards her, but most of all fear surfaces it. 

Every human has fears, weakness, it can be fear of ghost, water, heights, dogs, cats, or rejection. It come in all sizes and shapes, sometimes its even abstract.

These fears are what makes us less divine from angels. It what makes us human.

As fearless I may seem, as brave people might see me, I may be known as the great Choi Minho. But still I myself have fears. and that would be thalassophobia. Fear of the ocean.  unknown to others, I dont want the feeling of being in an open sea, even being near a beach, i dont like the feeling of being lost on large body of water, everything can happen, my mom told me that maybe its because when I'm still a kid, I almost drowned, but someone saved me. thanks to that person. 

And last two years ago, I started to fear loving someone. Ever since krystal died, I loathed the feeling of loving someone but losing them in the end anyway.

a few minutes after I finally reached her. I can see that she was often visited by her mom, a fresh white roses was placed on the top of her grave.

“hi.” Was all I manage to say to her. I placed the white roses, Her favorite white roses. she like it because of its pureness. 

“I missed you so much” I slowly sat beside her grave.

“You know what, I found someone, she’s very beautiful, she’s bubbly, she’s sweet” I smiled, remembering sulli, her angelic face that I love. 

“I know I don’t deserve to love her, but I want to love her krys, she’s everything for me” I then remember the words krystal said to me.

“Soon, you’ll find the person you’ll love but you will taste the feeling of being unloved. You will not be happy, she will leave you alone and you’ll suffer too”

It’s the exact words she told me when she found out I was going out with some girl, she thought that she’s the reason why t I can’t be with her most of the time, but she didn’t know that it was all because of my work, she never listen to my explainations.

shinee was just in the verge of it’s popularity, of course we’re busy for the promotions, commercials, performances, concerts and etc. and that makes me spend less time with her. She knew I love her, god I love her so much, but she chose to believe the rumors and accused me of having an affair, if only she believed me.

It was one day of October, two years ago, we fought. I thought it was same old thing, that she’s just jealous over nothing, I was stressed from practicing for our comeback, instead of giving me time to rest, she went to our dorm insisting that I’m having an affair,  she even told me that now that I’m famous, I’m neglecting her that I replaced her. She was crying really hard when she walked out of our dorm,  before she totally went out she said those words.

“Soon, you’ll find the person you’ll love but you will taste the feeling of being unloved. You will not be happy, she will leave you alone and you’ll suffer too”

I didn’t chase her, I thought she will be back, that she just needs time. But she never came back. that's because, she was hit by a van, some witness said that she was walking like a ghost and ther she died on the spot. I blamed myself for that, I almost gave up being an idol because of too much guilt.

If only I chase her, if only I chose to lower down my pride, or maybe I should died instead her. It’s my fault. Everyone insisting that its not mine, that it will not happen to her, if she chose to believe me. But no I know that she died because me.

After her death I focused myself into my career, I took many projects to divert my attention, I randomly slept with some women, when we are in overseas. All of that is to forget her, I chose not to fall in love, I don’t want to fall for someone, who will leave me at the end, I don’t want to feel the same feeling when I lost krystal.

When krystal was still alive, she becomes my stress reliever, my therapy when I almost give up being a trainee, she was always there beside me and would often whisper kind and comforting words to me, she’s everything for me, I love her, and  that will remain forever.

But everything ended when I met her. i was attracted with her since day 1, but I chose to distant myself, until luna's birthday. i was drunk, but i was sober when we did it, i even knew I was her first, but I chose to be jerk, I pretend not to care, until we end up with that setup, i was afraid to be honest, not until jongin enter the picture, then I realize, i had madly fallen in love with her, and now I’m willing to face my fear, just to let her know I love her, so much.

“Krys, you know that I love you right? But Sulli.. I love her so much, I want to cherish her like others, I want to let her feel that she’s being love, I don’t want to lose her krys, and I don’t want to think that every day that passed the chances of losing her increases, I dont want to hurt her anymore, I don’t want to be coward anymore, I don’t want to fear loving someone anymore, Sulli is worth the risk krys.” I deeply breathe again,

“I’m letting you go krys…” finally. The guilt I felt, was slowly fading, I’m letting her go.

“Wherever you are now, I know you’re happy, this time I want to make her happy too”

“You’ll forever gonna be here” I pointed my heart. I didn’t notice that there were tears that we’re falling from my eyes already, I wipe them, and for the last time I touch her name engraved on the stone.

hyung was right I should get over with her.

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