Six Years after Tao’s Car accident

Baekhyun’s POV

I bounce on the balls of my feet, my insides all jittery with excitement and anticipation. I use these few free seconds I have to peek through the small viewing panel out onto the audience. I run my eyes over the people seated; the hall is nearly full now, and it takes me a long moment but I eventually confirm that Chanyeol isn’t here.

I dismiss the nagging worry that floats in the back of my mind. He’ll be here. He’s always here.

I step back, turning to examine the models starting to receive the finishing touches to their makeup and hair. I’ve lucked out on the perfect selection for this show.  These models are precisely what I’d envisioned when I was working on these designs and looking at them now, they make my outfits work exactly the way I want.

A staff member calls out a time check and suddenly the pressure raises a notch. My team starts filtering up to me, standing patiently as I fix their outfits, making sure everything’s perfect. As the time starts to run out, I feel the stress building.

People are still running about in the background sorting out last minute problems and I press my fingers to my temples when I hear someone cursing loudly. I turn in trepidation and feel irritation spark in my chest when I see a makeup artist frozen at her table, model standing to the side, thankfully appearing to have dodged the mess of water and makeup that’s now dripping off the table.

They turn towards me, eyes wide in horror as I clench my jaw and stride over. This is a big show and we don’t have time for these mistakes. I bend down and snatch up the shoes placed precariously close to the mess spreading on the floor, then jerk my head impatiently, heading over to another table where the current occupants are just leaving.

“Work here and do it fast. We don’t have time for this.”

The girl nods rapidly, reaching out and grabbing a brush as the model takes a seat silently and leans his body forward, eyes closed expectantly. I head back to my previous spot, cussing under my breath and trying to force back the stress as I focus on turning this rabble into perfection.

Miraculously, by the time the next and final time check is announced, I’m staring at a long flawless line of models, all shifting in anticipation of stepping out onto the runway. I do one last check and then back away, observing them proudly.

I turn to peer through the viewing panel as the last minute is announced, and an involuntary smile springs onto my face when my gaze falls onto Chanyeol on the front row. Of course he’s here. Why did I ever doubt it?

Whirling round to face my team, I smile through my nerves. “It’s all down to you now everyone. Do me proud.”

We hear the music change and the people quieting in the hall. We wait a moment with baited breath and then I clap my hands, “okay people. Just like we practiced. Let’s go!”

I back away as they start filtering through the door, and rush to watch through the viewing panel as one by one they make their way down the runway. I’m breathless as I gaze out, fixated on the sight of my designs being so well received by the people watching. There are numerous big names here tonight and the appreciation on their faces feels like validation for all the hours I’ve spent slaving over this work.

By the time the last model has returned to me I’m trembling with exhilaration. The feeling I get after a successful show is indescribable. I flit around, cramming the short time I have until I’m expected at the after party with words of praise for my models and excited chatter.

I quickly change my clothes as time runs out, replacing my casual outfit with a suit and making sure I’m presentable for the reception. As I stride out of the room and through the corridors towards the reception hall I check my personal phone, feeling warmth spreading in my chest when I see the text from Chanyeol congratulating me on a job well done.

I know he’s waiting for me in the reception hall but it’ll no doubt be a while before I can speak to him; there will hopefully be lots of important people from the industry waiting for me too.

I text him back an excited response before slipping my phone into my suit pocket as I step into the room. I focus on maintaining a calm exterior as I accept the praises and congratulations from the people gathered here. I try to subtly scan around for Chanyeol but eventually give up when I can’t spot him in the crowd; he’ll come to me when the timing is right.

I accept numerous business cards, enjoying the attention I’m receiving as I filter through the room, glass in hand and smile fixed on my face.

As usual, Chanyeol’s timing is perfect. The moment stop to look around for him again, I feel a hand on my arm and turn, tilting my head up and grinning up at him, trying to ignore the fluttering in my stomach at the sight of his ecstatic smile blinding me.

“Baekhyun, your work was incredible.” He says, eyes shining with pride.

I smirk, unable to take my eyes of his. “Well I do try.”

He laughs, pushing me slightly before shaking his head in fond exasperation.

I tear my eyes off him when he turns, gesturing to the lady with him. “Oh right, Baekhyun? This is Kang Seulgi. She works in my team.”

I feel the familiar unease creeping up on me when I see how close she’s standing to him.

 I accept the hand offered to me and shake it with my well-practiced smile on my face. I know my eyes are guarded now, but there’s nothing I can do about that; I just have to hope that Chanyeol doesn’t notice.

“Baekhyun, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I really enjoyed your show tonight.”

I thank her, trying to focus on her praise and not on analysing her relationship with Chanyeol; that simply serves to remind me of exactly what I can never have.

We talk politely for a few minutes before I decide that I have to get back to mingling again. As much as I hate to admit it, she seems genuinely lovely; a mixture of sweet, intelligent charm and bubbly humour. She’d be perfect for Chanyeol. Don’t jump to conclusions Baekhyun.

I take a step back, making my excuses, unable to restrain an honest smile when Chanyeol promises to see me later.

I’m almost able to ignore the painful ache in my chest as I watch him smile down at her as they walk away. As sad as it is to say, I’m used to this feeling. How can I compete with a perfect girl like that? It’s my fault for falling in love with my straight best friend.

I turn away, dismissing the hollow feeling spreading through me, having already accepted a long future of this feeling. As long as Chanyeol is happy, I will be okay.

I take a moment to just look around the room, appreciating what I’ve achieved here and putting my depressing unrequited love out of my mind. This isn’t a drama; there’ll be no miraculous happy ending here.

Someone catches my eye and my friendly smile flickers back onto my face. I reach out, shaking another hand and accepting yet another business card, all the while smiling like I’m not crumbling on the inside.

Time passes and eventually people start to drift out. I stand at the door, thanking everyone for coming and smiling and nodding when necessary. My feet are aching when the last people leave. I finally fix my attention on Chanyeol, having ignored him in favour of focusing on my guests.

I’m surprised to see that he’s alone. “Hey,” I say. “Where’s Seulgi?”

Chanyeol smiles, following me as I head off further into the building to gather my various belongings that are no doubt scattered around the backroom.

“Oh, I sent her off in a taxi about an hour ago. She was tired.”

I’m glad he’s walking behind me when a pleased smile sneaks onto my face. This means I can have him to myself for the rest of the evening.

“I’m glad she enjoyed herself.” I say, opting not to reveal my true thoughts on the matter.

It’s silent for a while as we walk. I collect my belongings, grateful that Chanyeol can recognise my stuff otherwise I’d have been searching for much longer. My staff have packed up my work and taken it somewhere safe so I don’t have to worry about that.

The room is a mess when we leave but that’s to be expected after what took place here. The building staff will take care of it so I file the past day away as a success and focus on the present; namely on Chanyeol.

We head out of the building and around to the side where my car is parked. Chanyeol talks enthusiastically as we walk, describing his favourite bits of my show and showering me with praise. His voice is laced with warmth and it makes little tingles of happiness spread through me. Usually I hate myself for being so easy for him, but today I decide to cut myself some slack.

We slip into routine once I’m driving, humming along to the radio, Chanyeol staring out of the window. It’s a comfortable arrangement and I’m loathe to speak and break our peaceful bubble. Chanyeol looks so content sitting there, gazing out at the cars going past, murmuring the lyrics he knows and tapping out the rhythm on his knees.

I shake my head, smiling and returning my gaze to the road. I’d love to drive into forever and just keep him to myself.  

More than once he catches me glancing at him but this is a regular occurrence. I always play it off as me examining what he’s wearing. I am a fashion designer after all so it’s mildly plausible if you ignore the fact that I’m never looking at his clothes but his face instead. Still, he seems to believe me, just pulling a face at me whenever he catches me.

Soon we’re pulling into my driveway and I slide out, grabbing my bag and locking the car when he joins me on the front porch. He seems to prefer my cosy house to his apartment and we usually hang out here rather than at his place.

I slip my key into the lock and open the front door, letting him in first. I watch as he slips off his shoes and hangs his coat on his hook. I follow suit and then trace his path into the kitchen, dumping my bag just outside the door as I lean against the frame and watching him meander around, making drinks.

Its pictures like this that fuel my daydreams. In my ideal life, I’d tiptoe up behind him and slip my arms around his waist, press my face into his back and hold him as he relaxed back into my arms. If I actually did that now, maybe he’d find it weird, maybe not, but he’d put it down to tiredness or the need to be held after a long emotional day. He’d never even consider that I like him any more than a friend.

He turns around, smiling when he spots me in the doorway and lifting up the two mugs in his hands. “Shall we watch a movie?”

I nod, murmuring something about biscuits and heading towards one of the cupboards, blinking a few times to push out the sadness that I know has crept into my eyes, knowing he’ll be too focused on not spilling the hot drinks to notice if I’m acting weird.

I head to my bedroom to change into my pyjamas and when I get to the lounge he’s already picked a film. I smile when I see the menu appear on the screen and recognise it as my favourite film. He glances over at me, smirking when he sees my content little smile.

I join him on the sofa and settle down, grabbing a cushion and clutching it to myself as stretch my legs out. Chanyeol sits down next to me, tugging the cushion out of my hand a putting it on my lap before stretching out and resting his head on my lap, his legs propped up on the arm of the sofa at the other end.

I hope he doesn’t hear the hitch in my breath and shift a little until I’m more comfortable, fixing my eyes on the screen and stubbornly stopping myself looking down at him.

I wait until he eventually, inevitably, falls asleep; his body relaxing as he drifts off.

I gaze down at him, fingers fiddling with the soft ends of his hair, listening to him breathe in little huffs and smile in amusement when he snuggles closer as my fingers move to his hair. Moments pass and then my smile starts to falter, the niggling voice in the back of my mind reminding me that one day I’m going to have to give this up.

I don’t know exactly when it was that I fell in love with Chanyeol, but I do know that I should never have let him get so close, should have kept a safe distance. Still, as I watch him sleeping peacefully, I know I can’t regret it, no matter how wrecked I’ll end up when he finds his dream girl and everything comes crashing down.

I let out a sigh, irritated with myself for once again slipping into miserable thoughts. There’s always someone else out there, I tell myself. I choose to ignore the doubt swirling in my mind and the knowledge that I’m probably going to end up too much of a guarded mess to fall for anyone else.

I return my eyes to the screen, watching as the familiar characters move through their lives. It’s a few minutes later in the film that there’s a plot twist and I suddenly wonder why I’ve never thought of this. I just need to find someone else.

If I put myself out there, meet more people, open my mind to the possibility of being capable of loving someone else eventually, then when Chanyeol finds the girl that makes him happy, I won’t be alone to watch him drift away.

I let out a quiet bitter laugh. Maybe that would work if I wasn’t in so deep already.

It’s worth a try though really; I should try to do something now before it’s too late. Seeing Chanyeol with Seulgi today put things into sharper perspective. Maybe I’ll say yes next time Eunji bothers me about blind dates when she brings me tea at work.

One week later Eunji glares down at me, eyes hard and the edges of turned down a little as she frowns, clearly unimpressed with how I just snapped at one of my interns for being an utter moron, in my opinion.

“What?” I mutter guiltily, shifting my eyes down to the sketches in front of me.

“You know what.” she growls. “Okay, this is the last straw. You’re clearly too stressed and you need to let loose a little. Now I know a great guy who’d get along with you great and I won’t take no for an answer this time, something has to be done about this new temper of yours.”

I shoot her a glare, clenching my fist as thoughts of Chanyeol spill into my mind. My thoughts shift to my idea from last week. I swallow down the painful lump in my throat, wishing I had someone to grant my one wish, but that’s not to be. it. Surely it can’t get worse than this.

“Fine.” I growl.

“You have no choice this time- wait what?” she stutters. “You’ll do it?”

I roll my eyes at her exaggerated shock, “yes I will. Now go do something useful, you’re using up my oxygen.”

She grins gleefully, speeding out of the room, presumably going to tell someone of her triumph, I don’t care. At least she’s gone and left me with my thoughts. On the other hand, that’s not really a good thing.

I hate myself at the faint feeling of guilt that spreads through me at the thought of meeting someone other than Chanyeol.

Oh for sake. You can’t cheat on someone who’s not even interested in the first place.

Hours pass and I don’t move, poring over my drawings and demanding tea and coffee from interns as the time flies by. I apologise to that poor girl I’d snapped at and feel a bit better about myself when she gives me a small smile and says that it’s okay.

It’s nearing the time when I usually go home, when Eunji bursts into the room suddenly, waving her phone in excitement. “Boss, did you have any plans tonight?” she demands.

I open my mouth to say yes, but she cuts me off before any sound can leave my mouth.

“No? Great! I just spoke to my friend and he’s in the area. He’ll be here in half an hour to pick you up. You might want to go freshen up a little or something, though he has the same sort of job as you so he’ll understand if you look a bit ruffled.”

I gape at her, feeling a bit overwhelmed at being shoved into this so fast. I’d expected her to take ages to arrange something. Clearly I’d underestimated her desperation to match me with someone.

I cut myself off just before I refuse. Sure Chanyeol usually picks me up on this day to go out for food, but surely it’d be ok if we missed tonight. I need to think of myself a little more.

“Okay.” I say, “Okay fine. Let me just make a call.”

She grins in approval and gives me a thumbs up. I grumble to myself as I pull out my phone, typing out a quick message to Chanyeol before changing my mind and dialling his number instead.

I listen to the sound of the call going through, hearing it ring only twice before I hear Chanyeol’s voice on the other end. I close my eyes in despair as I feel how the sound of his voice affects me. This is hopeless.

“Baekhyun! I’m just heading to my car. I’ll be there soon okay?”

I speak up before he can start his usual rambling, “Wait Chanyeol, I can’t meet you tonight. Something’s come up.”

“Wait what?” he says, disappointment clear in his voice. I resist the urge to bang my head on the desk when my mind tries to look into that too much. Wow Baekhyun. Desperate much.

“What’s come up?” he asks.

“Um, my friend is forcing me to go on a blind date.” I admit, cringing a little at the raised eyebrow I get from Eunji.

“A date?” He asks, sounding suspiciously put out. “Can’t you say no? If she’s forcing you and you don’t want to go can’t you just refuse?”

“I could I guess…” I say, “But who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone nice?”

There’s a pause on Chanyeol’s end and I wait silently for him to speak up, wondering why I feel so uncomfortable about this all of a sudden.

“Okay,” he says, voice a little flat, “have lots of fun. Hopefully he’ll be a good match for you.”

“Yeah…” I reply.

I look up when Eunji’s phone rings and she mouths at me, telling me to “hurry up he’s here.”

“Okay Chanyeol, I’ll see you okay?”

“Yeah, see you Baek. Stay safe.”

The call ends and I take a deep breath, forcing down the bad feeling that fills me when I remember the weird tone of Chanyeol’s voice just before he hung up. He’s probably just upset that he has no one to go eat with.

Ten minutes later, I’m being introduced to Eunji’s friend Lee Jaehwan.

He’s nothing like Chanyeol, I think to myself, before telling myself off and pulling a smile onto my face.

“Hi,” I say softly, “I’m Baekhyun. It’s good to meet you.”

He grins at me shyly, reaching out to shake my hand before placing a gentle hand on my arm and steering me away towards his car. Eunji gives me a thumbs up when I glance back.

He smiles brightly at me as he steers the car out into the traffic, and I smile back. He’s cute I guess, I tell myself. Let’s just give this a chance.

Six months later

I slip into the seat opposite Chanyeol at our favourite bar, reaching out to take the glass of soju he offers to me. I knock it back in one go and place the glass down with a sigh. I know I look stressed and sad, so I’m avoiding making excessive eye contact. There’s no point in making Chanyeol think there’s more to this than me just being disappointed after yet another date.

“How was it?” he asks, just like he’s done after every time I meet someone new.

I shrug, just like always, “he was nice, just not what I’m looking for.” I keep my eyes fixed on the bottle in my hand as I refill my glass, swallowing down the unspoken words of you’re all I want.

He leans back in his seat, letting out a sigh and says, “Maybe next time.”

“Yeah,” I mutter, fighting to force back the painful despair that’s clawing at my insides as I lose hope. It was hopeless from the start and I knew it. There’s no way anyone will replace him just like that.

I down another shot and slump back into my seat. Somewhere in the back of my mind I’m reminding myself not to drink too much in case I say something I’ll regret, but this whole thing is starting to hurt so much that I’m losing the ability to care anymore.

“While we’re on the topic,” Chanyeol speaks up suddenly, “I’m going on a date too.”

The words hit me like a car and I tense up. I shut my eyes, swallowing down the scream of frustration and pain that’s just waiting to come out. You knew this was coming, remember?

I clear my throat, forcing a teasing smirk onto my face.

“Finally Yeol. I was beginning to think you’d be alone forever.”

I reach out, pouring another shot into my glass, head tilted down, eyes hooded to hide the painful emptiness spreading there.

He laughs, the sound painfully beautiful to my ears.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

I force out a hollow laugh, cringing how blatantly fake it sounds, before tossing back yet another shot. I don’t even care about my staying sober plan anymore, even though I’ve lived by that for several years now. Right now I just want to drink myself unconscious as soon as possible.

Three months later

Chanyeol’s POV

I sigh, fiddling with my tie as I wait until I need to leave. This is my third date with Seulgi. The date I went on with the other girl before didn’t end well, and I ignored Seulgi’s advances for ages. She’s a great friend and colleague and I eventually decided I should give her a chance.

It’s raining today, maybe some sort of bad omen, who knows? I switch to a bigger umbrella as an afterthought and head out. I drive towards my office building; Seulgi decided to stay later than usual to work so I’m picking her up from there.

By the time I get there it’s bucketing it down and I grab the umbrella, deciding to walk from the car to the front door to collect her because, knowing her, she probably didn’t bring an umbrella. Baekhyun is just the same.

I spot her just inside the entrance and smirk to myself because I was right. Her face brightens up when she looks up from her phone and spots me. She gives me a little wave and opens the door, pausing until I get there and then moving to my side.

“Hey,” she says, voice cheery. She links her arm with mine, squeezing gently and smiling up at me. I smile back then look away, wondering why the contact feels so weird. It doesn’t feel bad exactly, but surely I should feel happy to have such a beautiful girl by my side like this. Why does this always feel so wrong?

I guide her to my car, making sure she’s settled before walking round to the driver’s side and getting in myself. I toss the umbrella into the back and start the car up, putting the heating up out of habit; Baekhyun always gets cold easily when it rains.

I take her to a restaurant near the river, one that I’ve been to before with Baekhyun; the food was really nice last time. We take a seat by the window, overlooking the river, and just a couple of tables down from where I’d sat with Baekhyun.

We order drinks and then take a moment to look through the main course menu. I already have a vague idea of what I’m going to get so it only takes me a few seconds to make my choice. It takes Seulgi longer, and eventually she sets down the menu and sighs in exasperation.

“There’s so much to choose from. What do you recommend?”

I laugh, picking up my menu again and scanning through it. “What meat were you thinking of having?”

She thinks for a moment then says, “I think I fancy chicken today.”

I smile, looking through the list and picking something out. “What about Hunter’s Chicken? Baekhyun had that last time and he said it was really good.”

I glance up, smiling when she nods and agrees, wondering if it’s just my imagination or if her gaze seems more shuttered than before.

We chat whilst we wait for the food, and then whilst we eat I end up telling her about Baekhyun’s next Show that he’s working for. “He got so much positive attention for the one we went to. It seems like everyone wants a piece of him now,” I say proudly.

“That’s great!” she says as she finishes off her meal.

We pick desert and I choose the Rhubarb crumble with custard; Baekhyun said it was mind blowing last time we came.

As I eat, I try to think of things we could do next. We could go shopping but I don’t really enjoy that unless I’m with Baekhyun because he knows I don’t like it and always makes an effort to make it more fun for me.

We could go and see a movie; this is a date after all. Xiumin did mention one the last time I was texting him, and although it’s not my usual style, Baekhyun has trained me over the years to enjoy romance movies.

“Hey Baek, do you want to-” I start, glancing up, and cutting myself off when I see the look Seulgi is sending me. I realise my mistake and cringe, “Sorry Seulgi, the wrong name slipped out.” I laugh sheepishly, hoping she won’t be mad.

twitches into a weird smile, and she closes her eyes for a moment. I watch with concern as she takes a deep, shaky breath.

“Seulgi?” I ask uncertainly.

She opens her eyes, meeting my concerned gaze with sadness clear on her face. She shakes her head slowly before speaking softly, “I thought that maybe if you spent more time with me, got to know me better, I might have a chance, but now I see that your feelings are just too deeply ingrained. It’s been so obvious for a while now. I shouldn’t have even tried.”

I frown, confused and worried. “Seulgi, I don’t- what are you trying to say?”

She reaches out, placing a soft hand over mine and letting out a sigh. “You’re clearly oblivious, so I’m going to tell you. Please just listen to what I have to say and think about it properly okay?”

I nod slowly, completely lost by now.

She lets out a long breath and seems to steel herself, “okay. Chanyeol? You’re in love with Baekhyun.”

I just stare at her in shock for a moment before laughing uneasily. “What?”

She sighs and sits back in her chair. “You never stop talking about him; I don’t think you even realise how much you’re thinking about him. I should have backed off when I saw how happy you were when we were at his show, how your eyes shone when you spoke to him, but I guess I thought me liking you could make you like me too. Maybe it would have worked if what you feel for Baekhyun is just a crush but it’s so clearly not. It’s much stronger than that.”

I shake my head, “you’re wrong, he’s my best friend so of course I talk about him a lot. I’m not gay; I like girls, so how can I be in love with him?”

She rolls her eyes, “Chanyeol, you can like both guys and girls, and it’s not normal to talk about your best friend this much. Just think about this properly.”

I open my mouth to deny everything again, to tell her she’s being ridiculous, but stop myself when my mind starts to race. Memories flash through my mind; Baekhyun laughing, how I feel when he’s talking excitedly about something that makes him happy, how being with him makes me feel at home and puts my whole mind at ease, and his beautiful, beautiful smile. Then I think about how annoyed I feel every time he goes on one of his dates.

My head starts to spin as my world gets tipped on its axis.

The moment of realisation must be clear on my face because she just nods and rests her head in her hands. I’m feeling breathless as I sit there, completely amazed that I’ve never realised this before.

A moment passes and then she lifts her head, reaching down to pick up her bag off the floor and getting to her feet. “Okay,” she says softly. “I’m going to go now. Goodbye Chanyeol.”

I reach out, grabbing her hand as she moves to walk past me towards the exit. I look up at her, unsure what to say to express how sorry I’m feeling.

She smiles sadly, eyes looking suspiciously damp, and brings my hand up to her lips, pressing a soft kiss to my knuckles. “It’s okay Chanyeol. I’ll be fine.”

I nod, whispering “Goodbye Seulgi” as her hand slips from mine and she walks away.

I drop my head into my hands, trying not to panic. I’m gay- bi- something, and in love with best friend. ing hell.

It takes a few weeks to fully process the fact that I’ve been in love with Baekhyun for god knows how long and I’ve just been too ing stupid to realise.

I needed someone to talk to about everything when it all started to get too much for me to deal with, so I rang Xiumin, telling him everything, the words just pouring out of my mouth. I picked him because we’re close but he’s not close with Baekhyun, so there’s no chance of Baekhyun finding out; not that I don’t trust Xiumin, but subconscious actions can give these things away.

Xiumin was really encouraging, almost weirdly encouraging, but I guess that’s his role as my friend. I’ve taken his support to heart and have now spent ages planning the best way to go about making Baekhyun like me; I know he loves me as a friend, but it’s a big step to change that love to the type of love I want from him. There’s also the problem of telling him that I’m not quite as straight as I’ve always said, always believed.

Right now I’m seated at a table with Tao, Kris, Jongin, Kyungsoo, Luhan and Sehun. We’re just waiting on Baekhyun.

Tao leans over to me during a lull in the conversation, asking “do you know why Baekhyun is late?”

It feels weird to admit that, as his best friend, I don’t know, and I feel even more uncomfortable when Kyungsoo says, “I do. His date with Jimin probably ended later than he planned.”

I frown, swallowing down the wave of nausea that hits me out of nowhere.

“Jimin?” I ask, in confusion.

Kyungsoo quirks an eyebrow, “you don’t know about Jimin? Baekhyun’s been going on dates with him for the past month now. I would have thought he’d have told you all about him.”

I shrug and shake my head, not trusting myself to speak. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own head that I haven’t even thought to ask Baekhyun how his dating thing has been going. I guess I just assumed he’d tell me if he met someone he liked.

“Hey guys, sorry I’m late.”

My head snaps up when I hear Baekhyun’s voice, and I cringe inwardly and attempt to play it cool when I catch the weird look Kyungsoo is giving me.

I twist round casually to look up at Baekhyun and he smiles at me as he takes his seat beside me. I observe him silently as conversation starts up again. He relaxes into his chair, reaching out to pick up the menu and scanning through the options. I watch as he glances up at Sehun, laughing at something he says.

I sneak subtle looks at him throughout the meal, concluding that he seems happy and more relaxed than I’ve seen him in quite a while. I struggle to decipher the weird feeling that gradually fills me; a mixture of relief at seeing him happier and more relaxed, and sadness at the thought that maybe I’ve missed my chance and he’s found someone else who makes him happy.

Dammit Chanyeol.

As the days pass, I find it harder and harder to be around Baekhyun without failing to prevent my heartbroken gloom from effecting him in some way. I’m struggling to sleep, and I wake up in the night with Baekhyun’s upset and strained face at the forefront of my mind. I’m starting to hate myself more and more every time I upset him.

I roll over, burrowing further into my duvet and releasing a pained, shuddering breath as I come to a decision. Baekhyun’s found someone who makes him happy. I’m making him unhappy. The obvious solution would be to stay away from him and let him live his life without me being there to upset him and stress him out.

I squeeze my eyes tighter shut. It’s not just that though, it’s getting more and more painful to be around him. I’ve always thought to myself that unrequited love surely can’t be that bad, that maybe the films, books and songs are just exaggerating, but this is truly horrible. It’s not the big dramatic things that hurt the most, it’s the small moments throughout the whole day when things remind me of him.

I jump when my phone buzzes on my bedside table. Reaching out blindly, I eventually get hold of it and roll onto my back, lifting it up and peering blearily at the screen. I wince when the lock screen seems too bright in the darkness, and open the message, my jaw clenching when I see that it’s from Baekhyun. My fingers hover over the keyboard, desperate to type a reply. I breathe out in a rush and delete the message and his whole message thread while I’m at it.

I put my phone back and curl in on myself. It’s amazing how difficult and painful such a simple act can be.

The days crawl by. It feels like all the happiness has been out of my life now that I’ve cut myself off from Baekhyun. Even in the office I can’t distract myself because I keep meeting Seulgi’s awkward gaze when I walk into the meeting room and all it does is remind me that I’m in love with Baekhyun.

I stumble my way through to Day Fourteen without Baekhyun. It’s ridiculous how much love can affect someone. Maybe I never realised I felt this way before, but I think that these are withdrawal symptoms I’m feeling and I think I’d have felt like this even if I didn’t know I’m in love with him.

I’ve lost weight, I’m not sleeping well, and I’m working hours and hours overtime at the office and skipping meals as a result.

Baekhyun has called and texted me so many times that I’d blocked his number at one point, only unblocking it when I suddenly worried about what he’d do if he was in trouble and wanted to call me. Stupid really.

I leave the office earlier than usual today, not voluntarily mind you; my secretary ordered me to go home early and rest. I know I need to clean up my act before word of this reaches my father, but that’s easy to say and hard to do. I tell myself not to worry and that he’s probably too busy higher up in the company, confirming the new car prototype designs, to pay too much attention to me; I’ve never caused trouble until now, so he wouldn’t be expecting me to.

I’ve barely spared a moment’s thought about how he’d feel if he learned that I’m in love with another boy. I couldn’t care less. If it was a choice between making him happy and somehow being with Baekhyun, I wouldn’t even hesitate to sweep Baekhyun off his feet.

I’ve just arrived home and kicked off my shoes, collapsing onto my sofa and letting my eyes fall shut. I’m so close to slipping into a much needed sleep, but it seems the world is conspiring against me as I’m jerked awake by the sound of my phone ringing.

I’d usually ignore my phone, expecting it to be Baekhyun calling, but this is a personalised ringtone and so I force myself to grab it from my coat pocket and answer.

“Sehun?” I ask, voice a little rough from sleepiness.

“Hey Chanyeol,” he says, “Yeah it’s Sehun. Are you somewhere I can just talk to you for a minute?”

I shift so that I’m more comfortable, “yeah, I’m at home now.”

“Oh, good.” He says, “I just wanted to check up on you. How’re you doing?”

My forehead crinkles in a frown, “Um. I’m… fine. What’s this about exactly?”

I hear him sigh, “Okay. We’ll, it’s just that Luhan has been fretting over Baekhyun, saying that he’s not sleeping well and he’s stressed and he said that it’s because you’re ignoring him or something.”

I’m stunned for a moment. This isn’t part of my plan. Baekhyun’s supposed to be happier without me there. Him and Jimin.

“Oh.” I say intelligently.

“Okay I’ll take that as you admitting that you’re avoiding him.” He says, “Look, if you’ve had a fight, maybe it’s just something you should talk about? You’ve never fought like this before and it sounds like Baekhyun’s a bit of a mess right now.”

I take a shuddering breath. This is really testing my resolve right now.

“I… I’m sorry, I can’t. It’s better this way.” I say, voice strained as I try to push back a sudden rush of despairing tears.

I pull the phone away from my ear, cutting him off as he starts to speak, before ending the call and switching my phone off.

I roll onto my side and curl up into a ball, fighting the urge to cry.

It’s Friday. I tell myself, trying to focus on something positive. That means the phone can stay switched off for two full days now.

Two weeks pass and it’s Friday again. I go home early again, switching my phone off the moment I get back and curling up on the sofa, watching a horror movie in an attempt to take my mind off anything to do with love.

Tonight is Baekhyun’s next show; the one he’s been working up to for ages now. I watch the minutes go by, staring between the clock on the wall and the ticket on my coffee table. I’ve never missed one of Baekhyun’s shows; I was there at his very first one and at all of them up until now.

I’ve been avoiding him for four weeks now, which is bad enough really, but this feels like crossing into a whole other level of ‘pushing Baekhyun out of my life’. I’m not used to feeling this guilty.

Maybe he’ll stop calling me now. That thought hurts but soothes at the same time.

It’s nearly midnight when I’m jerked awake by angry knocking at the door. I stumble to my feet, disorientated when I realise that I fell asleep on the sofa, and make my way blearily to the door.

I tug it open, not stopping to think about who would be knocking at such a late time. I’m hit with a wave of dizziness when I get my eyes to focus properly and go completely breathless at the sight of a livid Baekhyun glaring at me. His jaw is tensed and his hands are clenched in trembling fists at his sides.

Oh I’m screwed.

He gives me a hard shove, pushing me out of his way and storming into my apartment. I follow him into my lounge, trying to remember how to breathe properly, and cringe back when he whirls around to face me, jabbing a finger at me and spitting out the words, “you tell me what the is going on right now.”

I’m speechless, for once in my life, and I honestly can’t find the words to say to him.

He narrows his eyes at my lack of response. “Oh wonderful. More silent treatment. ing lovely. You need to sort out your Park Chanyeol. You don’t just go cutting your best friend out of your life without any warning, explanation or ing anything!”

I manage to find my voice and rasp, “you don’t need me Baekhyun.”

“No! you Chanyeol I get to decide that not you.” I’ve never seen him this furious before, in fact I’ve never seen anyone this angry in my entire life. “Where did this even come from? One day we were fine and the next you’re pretending I don’t exist.”

My heart is cracking in my chest when I realise that this is it. This is the perfect moment to end everything.

“Does it matter?” I say, voice cold.

He raises his eyebrows sceptically, “yes! Yes it ing matters. It matters to me!”

“Don’t shout at me Baekhyun.” I say, letting words just spill out unrestrained. The aim is to push him away after all. “I don’t have time for this. Why don’t you go harass precious Jimin instead?”

His eyes fill with pure shock and he recoils away from me, mouth falling open, speechless. My stomach twists as I observe his reaction; this seems weird.

He shakes his head slowly, face pale. “What the ’s happened to you?” he whispers hoarsely.

He stumbles forwards, pushing past me and heading for the door, slamming it shut behind him without another word.

The silence he leaves behind is deafening. I don’t even make it to the sofa before my legs give out and I fall to my knees. My vision is blurry and my chest is tight as I fight to draw air into my lungs. Agonised sobs tear from deep inside me as my restraint shatters. I curl up on the floor, crying harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. My head is feeling fuzzy and I can sense myself falling unconscious.

What have I done?

It’s Sunday and I’m woken once again by loud knocking on my front door. I squint through swollen eyes at my bedside clock and see that it’s late afternoon. I’ve slept for a ridiculous amount of time but that’s not surprising considering how much of yesterday I spent crying.

I stagger to the door, head feeling fuzzy, probably because I didn’t eat yesterday or something.

I can do nothing but laugh semi hysterically when I see Sehun staring at me in shock. Whatever he’d been expecting clearly wasn’t as bad as I look right now.

I don’t bother speaking, just turn and make my way to the lounge, taking up residence on my sofa, wrapping myself in the blankets that have become a permanent feature there over the past weeks.

Sehun sits down on the armchair to the side and stares at me for a moment. “You’re really ing stupid do you know that?”

I let out a bark of empty laughter, not even bothering to reply. I’ve wrecked the best thing I had, I don’t need someone to tell me that, I can feel it.

Sehun leans back, seemingly contemplating the best way to go about saying whatever he has to say. When he decides, it’s clear in his expression.

“Baekhyun,” he says, pausing when something, I don’t know what; pain probably, it’s the default these days, flickers in my gaze, “Baekhyun is in love with you.”

My mind seems to freeze for a moment. The implications of this too much to process in one go.

“I’m pretty sure he’s been in love with you for like four years or something insane.”

I feel the blood drain from my face. “Jimin,” I choke out, latching onto the simplest thought I could articulate right now.

Sehun runs a hand through his hair, mouth twisting unhappily, “Baekhyun broke up with Jimin a few weeks ago; you’d have known if you hadn’t decided to ignore him until now. He was in a car accident 11 days ago. He’s going to be okay they think, but he’s still pretty bad. Lots of bones broken and severe physical trauma so he had some pretty bad internal bleeding. No head or spinal injuries thankfully.”

I stare at him, eyes widening in horror as I realise why Baekhyun had been so utterly shocked when I’d mentioned Jimin.

“Oh .”

Sehun sighs, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Yeah, .” He shakes his head. “You didn’t know about his accident so at least you’ve got that going for you, but seriously… Baekhyun was a complete wreck yesterday. You’ve got some serious grovelling to do if you want him to even look at you again.”

“Oh god. I really do just hurt him. I don’t even deserve to get to apologise to him.”

“Well at least you realise you were wrong.”

I look up at him desolately.

“Seriously though, you have to try to fix this.” He scans me over, eyes sad, “for both your sakes. You’ve both got huge holes in your lives that can only be filled by each other.”

I nod faintly. Even if I’m bad for him, I still need to apologise for being an utter . I can forget him wanting to be with me after what I’ve done but I’ve got to at least try to patch up the wounds I’ve given him before I send him on his way.

I fix my eyes on Sehun, “where is he?”

He holds his hands up, “woah there, first you’re going to go shower and put on some decent clothes.”

I nod robotically, trying to stop myself thinking too much, but my mind is racing and it’s beyond my control now. There’s too much information for me to process. Baekhyun’s been in love with me for years and I never realised.

I head to the shower in a daze, and wash as fast as I can.

I fell apart in a few months after realising I love him but didn’t think he loved me back. Was he feeling like that for all that time?

I’ve got a sense of purpose now, even though I’m almost certainly going to my impending doom, and get myself dressed in record time. I spare myself a fleeting glance in the mirror and cringe at the sight of the dark shadows under my eyes, the thin edge to my face, and the pale tint to my skin. I’ve been so wrapped up inside my head that I’ve neglected my body.

I head back into the lounge, grabbing my essentials as Sehun watches me silently. When I’m ready to leave I turn to face him, taking a deep breath and asking “where is he?”

“He’s at his house with Luhan.”

I nod, relieved that someone’s with him. “Okay, let’s go.”

Sehun drives me over to Baekhyun’s place, and the closer we get, the more the nerves start to set in. By the time we arrive, my hands are shaking and I have my eyes clamped shut, struggling to breathe evenly.

Sehun pulls onto Baekhyun’s driveway and cuts of the engine. He leans over, grabbing my shoulders and turning me to face him, my eyes shooting open. “Breathe Chanyeol.” He stares hard into my eyes. “Baekhyun loves you. Remember that.”

I nod, breathing raggedly and fighting to calm down.

He gives me a moment and then gets out, coming round to open my door and tug me out. I stagger slightly, my legs feeling weak. I stare at Baekhyun’s front door, remembering how happy I used to be every time I came here.

I take a deep breath, scraping some self-control together and bracing myself for whatever’s coming.

I glance over at Sehun who’s waiting until I’m ready before knocking on the door. He examines my eyes, glancing back and forth until he’s sure I’m not going to pass out on him any moment.

I close my eyes as the noise of him knocking racks through me. Oh my god.

The door opens and I look up to find Luhan standing there, glaring at me silently. Sehun reaches out, tugging gently at his hand, jerking his head towards his car. Luhan stares at him for a moment before nodding, sending me another icy look before turning and grabbing his shoes and bag from the hook next to the door.

When he’s outside, Sehun gives me a little push. I resist the urge to cling to him and beg him to take me home, and force my feet to move forwards.

It feels weird being here again; I used to spend most of my free time here before I messed up. The house is quiet. I take my shoes off and close the door behind me before walking quietly through the building, checking the kitchen and the lounge, body trembling with nerves, even though I’m pretty sure I know where he’ll be.

I stop in the doorway to his office, standing there and staring at his hunched form. He’s poring over designs on his desk; something he’s always done when he’s stressed. His face is tilted down but even from here I can see the hard shadows under his eyes, the red rim to his eyes making it clear that he’s been crying.

The sight feels like a punch to the gut and I inhale shakily.

He seems to notice my presence and looks up, “Luhan can you-”

His voice trails off as his eyes widen in shock. For a moment he looks so vulnerable, and then his eyes fill with anger.

“What do you want Park Chanyeol?” he says flatly.

My mind is too jumbled right now and I can’t think of the perfect thing to say, so I simply decide to start with, “I’m sorry about Jimin. I didn’t know what had happened to him.”

Baekhyun’s eyes flash dangerously and then he seems to just crumple in front of me, the tense anger draining from him and utter exhaustion replacing it.

He shakes his head slowly, clearly not knowing what to say, so I take the opportunity to step into the room. I stop in front of him, shifting anxiously, and try to straighten out my thoughts.

“Okay,” I say, voice choked with nerves, so I clear my throat and start again. “Okay, um. Firstly, I know you probably hate me now, but I want to apologise for-”

“Being a huge ing ?” he says flatly.

I swallow tensely. “Yes. Yesterday I refused to give you an explanation for all of this, but I’m willing to tell you now if you’ll listen.”

He stares up at me, nodding mutely.

I take a deep breath, trying to push back the mess of emotions that are making me feel a little sick. Baekhyun’s eyes soften the tiniest bit when he sees me struggling and I take strength from this, opening my mouth and hoping the words will just come to me.

“A few weeks back, I went on some dates with Seulgi.”

Baekhyun’s expression darkens considerably when I say this and although it’s intimidating, I take it as an encouraging sign.

“She’s a great person, and I thought she was even nicer when I got to know her better, but there was something weird about it all for me. After a while she broke it off with me, saying she shouldn’t have even tried to make me like her. She said I was oblivious to how I feel, that I never stop talking about you and that I could never fall for her because I’ve already fallen for you.”

I watch the blood drain from his face as I force myself to keep talking. “It took me a while to get my head around the whole idea, but there was no way I could deny it.” I frown, “and then I heard about Jimin. Kyungsoo said you’d stuck with him for a while and I thought I was too late. You’d never been on more than one date with the previous guys.”

He drops his head into his hands as he listens and the words start rushing out now, “it really hurt but I tried not to get involved because you seemed happier than before. Then I started to upset you too, so I decided I should stay away. I never meant for it to mess you up like it did, I just thought that me loving you would just hurt you and-”

He stands up suddenly, breathing unevenly and staring at me intently for a moment before walking carefully around the desk and stopping in front of me.

His fist connects with my face before I even see it move. I stagger back, shaking my head to clear it. Before I can even focus on what’s going on, he’s got two hands fisted in my jacket neckline and he’s shoving me hard up against the nearest wall. I wince at the impact, winded, but I know I deserve it.

“Park Chanyeol, you’re a ing jerk.” He growls, eyes blazing. Then he’s tugging me down and his lips are on mine.

My hands shoot up, clutching him tight to me as my lips move against his of their own accord, my body grasping the situation before my mind can catch up. His hand snakes into my hair, fingers splaying and tilting my head down more, pressing closer.

His every movement is laced with desperation and I’m feeling it too, my hands roaming and breathing becoming more and more ragged as my head starts to swim with an emotion overload.

His lips break away from mine and he pulls back a little, pressing his forehead against mine and panting, breath coming in sobbing gasps.

“I love you,” I rasp out, voice choked with barely restrained tears.

I feel the shudder that runs down his body as he clutches me closer, pressing his face into my neck and groaning, “I love you too” as I feel my skin getting wet from his tears.

I hold him tightly, refusing to let go as my head slowly stops spinning. “I’m sorry it took me so long to realise.”

He shakes his head, nuzzling against my neck. “You’re mine now. That’s all that matters.”

I smile and shut my eyes, pressing my face into his hair and breathing in his scent.

This is where I belong.

I shift Minah to my other hip, smiling as I watch Soohyun run to the door. “Daddy!” he cries, eyes lighting up as Baekhyun closes the door behind him and bends down to pick him up. He nuzzles into Soohyun’s hair playfully, laughing when he gets a tiny hand in the face for it.

I walk over, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to his lips, “Welcome home baby.”

He smiles up at me tiredly and we head into the kitchen where I’ve got dinner keeping warm in the oven. I get the kids settled at the table as he serves up, making sure to give them both the same amounts of everything so they don’t fight about it.

Dinner is eventful as always but we manage to get both of them to finish their food.

Everyone’s tired so we decide to head up to bed early and tell stories in our room. The kids clamber eagerly up onto our ‘grown up bed’ and curl up together in the middle, peering out at us from under the duvet.

Baekhyun runs a hand down my back gently before padding round to his side and climbing under the covers, chuckling when Soohyun snuggles into his chest. I head to my side and join them, shifting so Minah can use my arm as a pillow like she always likes to when we have our special edition story time.

Baekhyun starts today, spinning a tale of princes, princesses and dragons; teasing the little ones with dramatic pauses and tickling them to make them jump when he turns serious and describes the plight of the poor prince, waiting for his princess to save him.

We’re all sleepy when the story is over and there’s comfortable silence for a few minutes before Minah pipes up suddenly.

“Appa?”

“Yes darling,” I mumble sleepily.

“Why did you marry Daddy?”

I open my eyes, looking over at Baekhyun who’s smiling back at me.

I snuggle closer to the most precious people in my life and say, “Well honey, that’s a long story.”

9782 words

Okay guys :D I hope that didn’t disappoint, comments would mean a lot haha…. I’m sorry for taking so long to write this, but University is harder than I anticipated haha.

This is the final chapter to this story. There is a chance of me adding more chapters later on but they aren’t planned so I’m going to mark this story as completed now. I feel really sad right now... like I’m saying goodbye to my child or something ><

Thank you all so much for reading this, it means so so so much to me. I’m going to edit this at some point and possibly post a link to a pdf file if I ever get round to it and decide it’s something I’m comfortable doing.

Okay… um. XD

I’m also posting this chapter as a separate oneshot just like I did with the kaisoo one a while back. I’ll link you to them now so you can find them easily if you want them.

Where I Belong - Baekyeol

Tough Love - Kaisoo

This is my unrelated Hunhan oneshot. Fight For Me

Also I'm kinda writing a Suchen fic with Thatweirdo, mostly betaing but yh, so maybe check that out? It's just been updated. Broken Waves

Okay, please leave me a comment to let me know what you think and also if there are any mistakes. This story might not be updated for a long time/ever so it'd be nice to hear from you. 

Right, I LOVE YOU GUYS. *gets emotional*

P.S Thank you Eleri for beta-ing <3