It’s been days since I broke up with Jessica and everything has been such a mess. It hasn’t been easy for me and I don’t think it’s any better for her.

A day after I told her that we should end things, I received a handful of voice mails from her. On my end it sounded like she was drunk. It also seemed like she went through the five stages of break-up grief all in one night.

“Taengoo-ah, I miss you. When will you visit me again? Should I fly to Seoul this time?”

A few minutes later, I received another one. This one was a little longer and a lot scarier than the first one. “Yah! You ! Just because you’re a celebrity doesn’t mean you could break someone’s heart via Skype! Who do you think you are, you ing Joe Jonas wannabe?! Why don’t you grow some lady balls and break up with me face to face?” Then came a slur of profanities. A whole ten minutes of it.

The third one was calmer. “Okay...hear me out. How about we get back together and I’m not going to bug you at all. You contact me anytime you want and I won’t... absolutely won’t call or text...or even bother you on Skype. Deal?”

An hour after that voice mail was sent, another one came and I could tell that she was far from being sober. I could barely catch what she was saying. That and it was mostly sniffing and sobbing. “Please tell me you were just kidding...tell me you still want this. Taengoo-ah...please.”

Every time I listen to that particular voice mail, I couldn’t help but feel like the biggest jerk. The one after that pains me even more. “I guess you really don’t want anything to do with me then. I...I hope you’ll be happy then.” I heard her sobbing and I thought that was the end of it. “Don’t eat nuts. P-Pistachio’s a nut.”

I wasn’t sure if I should laugh at that last part or be touched because she remembered my allergy and that one time she had to take me to the emergency room. Even when I’ve hurt her she still cares about me enough to remind me about it.

For the past few days, I’ve been staying at the studio and the only time I come back home is when I needed to take a shower. I thought it was going to help me take my mind of things but it didn’t. Even when I’m staring at stuff that absolutely has nothing to do with Sica I feel like crying. When I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, I’d run to the washroom and cry my eyes out there which isn’t really helping the recording since it’s only making my voice hoarse.

The only reason I’m back in my room and not in the studio is because apparently it’s upsetting to listen to me struggle reaching the notes that I could normally reach.

Great. This just gives me more time to think about what I’ve done. It didn’t even take much time for me to think back to those days that we spent together. Going out on dates and staying up all night because we didn’t have much time since I could only squeeze in a few days to visit each other. Those times I really wished I didn’t have a career to worry about.

I lay down on my bed still thinking about every little detail with her that I could remember. I turned to my side and felt the wet pillow against my cheek. Now I have to change the pillow case again. I’ve been doing that a lot more lately. I’ve also been crying a lot more lately. That or trying to hold it in when other people are present which only hurts my throat and only leaves that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I got up and switched my computer on, something I haven’t done for days, and logged in on Skyper automatically. I need to change that. Sica was offline but she did left me messages. None of it had bad words this time.

Jess: i miss you

Jess: i still wake up every day hoping you’d have messages for me or that you’d be online so we could talk

Jess: i really shouldn’t be doing that anymore

Jess: watching the first ten minutes of UP depresses me

Jess: i feel like if we grew old together i would do the same thing for you

Jess: stay by your side, go on an adventure with you

Jess: or not because we’d be too old

Jess: i would probably have a flying house too and bring it somewhere you love

Jess: but that would require for you to die before me

That one admittedly made me laugh. I’ll miss that about her. She’s funny even she doesn’t mean to be funny.

Those messages were from two days ago. The latest ones are about her contemplating on whether she should come to Seoul so we could talk things through or not. I was going to reply and say that she didn’t need to but I couldn’t put that simple thought in words. I typed a reply but it was hard for me to hit ‘Enter.’ It’s like if I sent her so much as the letter ‘J’, she’d be more upset at me.

I shut my computer off and imagined scenarios in my head. I imagined Jessica actually coming here and knocking on my door, demanding an explanation and slapping me if she wasn’t satisfied with it. Or maybe she’d come here, barge into my house, kiss me and tell me she doesn’t want to let me go.

I shook my head at those absurd thoughts and went to the kitchen to grab a tub of ice cream. Our manager would hang me upside down if he finds out that I’m not taking care of my throat.

“Ah, screw him. This is his fault.”

That’s what I say but at the back of my head, the only one I’m blaming is myself. If I were more careful, he probably wouldn’t have found out and I wouldn’t have had to choose.

I was thinking too much and I didn’t even notice I’ve finished the whole tub of ice cream. It didn’t even make me happy. Not one bit. It was supposed to cheer me up. It’s pathetic that I’m seeking comfort in this cold treat.

I heard my phone ringing and I didn’t bother answering it. Later that day, I received a message from Jungsoo-oppa saying he was going to send me and Yunho-oppa abroad to meet producers. He said they were interested in making music for us but for all I know he was just doing this so I could take my mind off of Jessica. I texted him back and told him I was going. No sense in rejecting that offer anyways.

---

Jessica knew she shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t have acted so hastily. She looked nothing short of a desperate girl that was still hoping to get back with her ex. She was right there in front of Taeyeon’s apartment, ringing the doorbell and waiting for someone to answer.

This was going against Taeyeon’s wish to hide their relationship because her sister could be the one to answer the door but what was there to hide when they’ve already broken up.

One of the Kim sisters’ neighbours passed by and saw her. “No one’s in there right now.”

“Sorry?”She stared at the woman who was in her late fifties.

“The sisters aren’t there. I heard from the younger one that her sister was somewhere in Europe right now and so she was going to be staying at a friend’s house.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what is the older sister doing in Europe?”

“I’m not sure but it might have something to do with her job. She’s a singer, you see? You’re not some stalker fan, are you?”

Jessica showed a tight-lipped smile and shook her head no.

“You could just leave a message if you want.”

Jessica opened to say something only to close it again because all she could think of were bad words, “Tell Kim Taeyeon she’sa douchebag and I still ing love her,” no, she couldn’t say that to this ahjumma. She wouldn’t be held responsible in her blood pressure spiking up.

“No thanks. I’ll get going.”

The lady was going to ask her what her name is but Jessica was out of there in seconds. She was angered by the fact that Taeyeon could just up and leave like that. She was asking herself how the girl could just easily throw things away like that. It’s as if those months together didn’t even happen. She couldn’t stop herself from crying right then and there.

She was inside the elevator when the electricity went out, making the elevator malfunction with her the only one inside. It scared the daylights out of her and it only made her cry harder. “Get me out of here,” she whimpered. The electricity went back and the elevator started working again.

Jessica stormed out of the building and went straight to her best friend’s place. Hyoyeon answered the door and didn’t even ask her anything. She just led Jessica in and hugged her as she continued sobbing.

Sunny, who just got home then, gave her and Hyoyeon time to talk. Jessica told Hyoyeon everything save for the details about Taeyeon being the lead vocalist of a famous band. She didn’t deem it to be important. By the time she’s finished talking, Hyoyeon and Sunny could only offer her a drink that she gladly downed in a matter of seconds.

“Sica, that wasn’t a shot. You were supposed to drink it slowly.”

“Hyo, let her be.” Sunny held her arm and the two of them watched Jessica pouring herself another drink.

“That’s your dad’s old scotch. We were supposed to drink that when he visits us again,” Hyoyeon said.

“Sica needs it more than you two.” Sunny, tired of her girlfriend complaining, moved to Jessica’s side and her back.

“Sunny bunny, if Hyo became a clingy booger, would you have broken up with her?”

“First of all, that girl would never be clingy but if she ever does I know I wouldn’t throw half a decade of our relationship just because she got too clingy.”

Jessica wiped her face with her sleeve and smiled bitterly. “You’re a good girlfriend, Sunny.”

The two girls didn’t say anything after that. They knew that even if they tried, they’d still fail in making her feel better and they knew that all they could do is be there as she drowned herself with a 30-year old scotch that Sunny’s dad would’ve loved to drink.

---

The night Yoona proposed.

Taeyeon went home alone that night because Yoona decided to spend the night at Jessica’s. Even though Tiffany and Yuri suggested driving her home, she had to decline. She needed nothing else but to be left alone. Up until tonight she was so sure she’s finally let go of Jessica but knowing that her sister and the woman she loves, the same woman whose heart she’s broken, are now a step closer to building their own family. It all seemed so surreal. She hoped for fate to bring them closer again but not this way.

Just hours earlier, Kangin and Jaejoong were talking about how a girl isn’t fully committed to someone if they have no ring on their finger yet but now Jessica has that and it was her own younger sister who put it.

Standing there and witnessing her sister be happy with the woman she loves felt like she was being stoned to death.

It hurt her to pretend that she’s happy but it hurt her even more that she can’t be fully happy for her sister when all she’s ever wanted was for Yoona to be this happy.

All her hopes of getting another chance to be with Jessica crumbled that night. She lost her chance and all their plans of getting old together, Jessica was going to do that with someone else. Someone that’s not her and she has to live with it. She was going to have to bear seeing the two most important people in her life be happy would each other.

♫And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to♫

The End.

_____

decided to end it the same way i did to pre-chorus

thank you for reading it guys and i'm really sorry i can't turn it into taengsic. writing an alternative ending is just not what i do. i'm honestly very indecisive irl but when it comes to my fanfics i'd like to pretend that i could make a decision and stand by it. 

again thank you for reading it, for the comments (that has nothing to do with me updating soon) and the upvotes. hope i could still see the taengsic shippers on chorus even though it's not about taengsic. give chance to yoonsic and taeri lol

Title: Breathe by Taylor Swift omg the feels of this song