Taeyeon came back home, still mulling over what she and Jungsoo has talked about earlier. The choice was simple and she shouldn’t even be thinking twice. Her sister over anyone else. Except Jessica was just something else. She made her sure about everything and she made her happy.

She sat on her bed, not really sure what to do next. She could pretend and tell Jungsoo she finally ended things with Jessica but she knew very well he could find a way to know the truth. She could also confess to Jessica that she has to break things off with her because if she didn’t, the consequences could take a toll on her career and she really can’t have that. Maybe Jessica would understand that she was only doing it because of her sister.

“But using that excuse again would only hurt her. It would only make her think that I don’t care enough about her. I’ve already told her that I don’t want to reveal our relationship to anyone using that same exact excuse,” she thought. She didn’t want to do that anymore. She knew how disappointed Jessica would be if she did.

Taeyeon found herself dialling Jessica’s number and waited for the girl to answer it but she didn’t. Jessica declined her call and invited her for a video call instead. She made sure any trace of her crying earlier was gone before she accepted it.

“Hi.” She waved back at Jessica and refrained from talking, thinking that her voice has gotten hoarse from too much crying. “Have you had your lunch yet?” She shook her head. “Why?”

“Not hungry,” she murmured.

“Don’t skip meals. This is why you stopped growing,” Jessica taunted, laughing at her own joke. “Go eat. Now.”

“Let’s eat together,” Taeyeon said.

“Are you going to come here or should I fly there?” Jessica joked again.

“I want to eat fries dipped in soft serve ice cream.”

“Kim Taeyeon, you can’t have that for lunch. It’s unhealthy.”

“Please.” She bit her lip and added, “And don’t stop calling me Taengoo. I like it when you call me that way.”

Jessica tilted her head to the side, brows furrowing as she stared at the image of Taeyeon on her phone. “You’re odd today.”

Taeyeon snapped out of it and acted as if she was frustrated that Jessica’s more interested in how she’s acting than her need for food. “I just want to eat French fries dipped in soft serve ice cream. What’s so add about that?” She pouted, cheeks blown up and Jessica couldn’t help but find it cute especially because a girl in her 20’s was doing it.

“Fine. Go eat that then.”

“I want us to eat together.”

“How are we supposed to do that?”

“You go get your fries and ice cream and I’ll go get mine and we eat it at the same time.”

Jessica thought Taeyeon has gone nuts but she did it anyways. Both of them had their food delivered and in minute’s time, they were both munching on fries and dipping it in soft serve ice cream.

“Taengoo-ah,” Jessica called out while they were eating in front of their computers, “you sure there’s nothing wrong? You seem sad.”

“Just tired.”

“It’s noon there. How could you already be so tired? You didn’t have any schedule last night.”

“I’ve been thinking about stuff and it got me tired.”

“You shouldn’t be thinking too much. Your small body and small brain wouldn’t be able to handle too much thinking.”

Taeyeon gave her a small smile. “You shouldn’t be teasing me so much about my height. When I’m gone, you’ll miss my small self.”

Jessica pouted her lips. “Why would you be gone?”

Taeyeon shook her head and tried to get those thoughts out of her head. “I was just kidding.”

From then on, Taeyeon has tried to distance herself from Jessica. She tried her best not to call her and when Jessica calls, she’d fight the urge to answer it. Her resolve would crumble when she receives a text message from Jessica asking, “Yah, Km Taeyeon, why haven’t you been answering my calls?”

She would then picture the girl with a sad face and proceed to dial her number and say, “What did I tell you about calling me Taengoo all the time?”

At times, she would make up a lame excuse so they wouldn’t be on Skype for a long time and it would break her heart every time Jessica would buy her excuse and try to pretend that she’s not upset even though Taeyeon could see it clearly on her face. It broke her heart even more to lie to her because she knew she was trying her best to be the understanding and considerate girlfriend.

A part of her wishes that Jessica would get tired of it all and break up with her because she really doesn’t think she’s capable of ending their relationship. A bigger part of her thinks that she should just do it immediately because she doesn’t want to hurt her even more.

“What are you watching?” Jessica, who was still rubbing the sleep off her eyes, asked. Taeyeon wasn’t going to accept the video call but the guilt was eating her. She knew Jessica woke up extra early just to talk to her. It was Jessica’s day off and she should be getting a much deserved rest but instead she called Taeyeon.

“Gag concert.”

“I’ll stream so we could watch together.”

Taeyeon watched quietly but would occasionally steal glances on the monitor while Jessica constantly burst into fits of laughter.

“Aww, that’s a really cute plush toy.”

Taeyeon shifted her attention on the TV screen. “That plushie’s more famous than our band right now.” To this Jessica giggled.

“It’s cute. I want one,” Jessica mumbled but Taeyeon caught it.

“Do you want me to get you one and ship it to you?”

Jessica’s eyes lit up and she shook her head. “I’ll get it the next time I visit you.”

Taeyeon bought her the plush toy the next day and she let Jessica name it. “Mr. Brownie” that’s what she decided to call him.

---

Ever since Taeyeon had the talk with Jungsoo, she noticed how he would watch her constantly and keep an extra eye on her whenever he could. This only made her trust him a little less when it comes to her personal things especially her phone. When she’s on her phone, talking to anyone else but Jessica, Jungsoo would still keep a close eye on her. Nowadays, she would insist on taking a cab home than being brought home by any of the managers.

Yunho would ask her what was wrong but she’d lie and say it was nothing. There was only one time when she couldn’t avoid being alone with Jungsoo and the latter grabbed the opportunity to remind her of what she should do.

“You better do it quickly, Taeyeon.” He didn’t need to elaborate on it more because she knew exactly what he was talking about. “We heard reporters have been asking around and you know that’s never a good thing.”

“Let them do it. It’s your responsibility not to let them know, right?” she answered out of spite.

The van halted in front of the building she lives in and Jungsoo stared at her from the rear view mirror. “Remember, Taeyeon, you’re risking much more important things by being with her. I, for one, don’t think she’s worth it.”

She got out of the car and slammed the door shut. She hurriedly made her way to the elevator and bit her lip to stop herself from sobbing right then and there. She waited to be in the confines of her home before she let her tears let loose.

She found it incredibly unfair that her happiness had to end so soon especially when she was so sure that Jessica was the one she’d spend her whole life with but right now she knew her happiness should only come second. She still had more plans for her sister, more plans for her and her band mates and she couldn’t risk all of that.

She was going to have to break it off with Jessica. That she was sure of. She just wasn’t quite sure how that would pan out but she was still hopeful that fate would eventually lead them back together. She wasn’t one to believe in all that but she was willing to hold onto that flicker of hope that someday the two of them would have their chance again.

---

Jessica woke up later than usual that Saturday. The first thing she did after washing her face was to send a message to Taeyeon asking if she’s already up. After that, she went straight to her kitchen to make brunch. There really wasn’t much to make since all she had to do was pour cereal and milk into the bowl. She ate it on the couch and waited for Taeyeon’s reply. It took a few more minutes before a message from Taeyeon poppe up.

Taeng: yeah?

Jessica frowned a little. Lately, Taeyeon doesn’t seem like she wants to talk to her at all. Taeyeon would give her short answers but she only shrugged it off thinking that Taeyeon was just really tired. They were busy promoting their new single after all.

Jess: i don’t have to go to work today

Jess: are you busy? do you have any schedule today?

Taeyeon started typing a reply but only ended up deleting it halfway. She’s made up her mind. She was going to end things with Jessica. Meanwhile, Jessica was starting to get impatient.

Jess: hello? Taengoo, you still there?

Jess: did your floor magically turn into quick sand? should I be worried?

Taeyeon took a deep breath and mustered up enough courage to say what she wanted to say.

Taeng: we should stop

Jess: stop chatting on Skype? are you doing something?

Taeng: no

Taeng: sica, it’s better if we end this now

Jess: what? end what? i have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about

With Taeyeon typed her reply with shaking hands and hit “Enter.”

Taeng: let’s break up

Instead of giving Taeyoen a reply, she invited her for a video call. Taeyeon didn’t want to accept it. She was afraid that she might chicken out and take back what she’s said. She sent Jessica a message saying she didn’t want to accept it but she was not given any reply. Just a notification that Jessica’s inviting her for a video call so she eventually accepted it.

She gulped when Jessica didn’t speak. She just stared at her.

“You’re serious,” Jessica finally said. She bit her lip and Taeyeon knew she was doing it to stop herself from shedding a tear. She knew because she was doing the same thing. “Do I get a reason?” Jessica asked, her voice shaking.

“It’s...getting tiring.”

“What is?”

“This.”

“You’re getting tired of me?” Jessica scoffed. She looked more sad than angry even though her expression says otherwise. “Wow.”

“You...us being miles away from each other. It gets tiring.”

“That’s not” she paused and lower her voice, “that’s not a good enough reason. We were making it work, weren’t we? You know I could move if you want me to.” She wiped her tears away using her sleeves. Jessica wasn’t sure if she was crying because she was sad or if she’s crying because she was just too angry at Taeyeon. If she could reach through the monitor and strangle the girl, she probably would.

“No. Sica, let’s just stop.”

“I don’t understand! Is it something I did? Did I do something wrong? Is there someone else?”

At that point, Taeyeon couldn’t even look at the monitor. She feared that if she did, she would just end up breaking down. “There’s no one else. I just...couldn’t handle it anymore. You calling every hour. Sending messages every minute. It’s suffocating,” she lied. Those were the things that Jessica did that made her happy. “I can’t do that anymore.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me I could’ve stopped! This is such bull!”

Taeyeon wasn’t able to ignore Jessica’s harsh breathing anymore so she looked up and saw Jessica’s red face and tears falling on her cheeks.

“You can’t even break up with me in person, you ing midget!” Jessica tossed her phone on the other side of the couch and went to her room.

It took Taeyeon a few moments to realize that Jessica was done talking to her. It took a much longer time for her to realize that she’s done something she was going to regret for as long as she lives. It wasn’t until night time that it has finally sunk in. She’s broken up with Jessica.

That’s when her knees felt weak and the tears she’s hold back finally fell. She sat on her bed that night, trying to figure out why it hurt so much. She was sure she’s also in physical pain and there was no one she could tell her problem to which made it all the more painful.

She tried to muffle her cries by covering . That night was the first time she cried herself to sleep.

_____

tadaaa second to the last chapter for verse. i'm sorry if it's not too dramatic. it's only dramatic in my head lol i dunno how to end a chapter omg OTL

Where I stood by Missy Higgins. this song makes me so sad. it gives me feels

excuse the typos and grammar errors don't judge meeee i'm too lazy to edit