Gut instinct.

It’s not always there, but when your loved one suddenly goes emo mode on some stupid hallyu star who probably couldn’t care less about how he feels, you know you have to do something.

It’s not like Jongin has a choice. Babysitting Sehun is his calling. It’s not a chore, not a commissioned work, and definitely not charity. It’s like Mother Nature created the life that is Kim Jong In so that one day he would be the wingless angel walking on Earth to save Sehun from his first heartbreak.

Jongin was already dragging Sehun, somewhat involuntarily on the younger’s part, out of class by third period.

Well...Hauling the lightweight body onto his back and running out of the school when nobody notices would be a much more accurate description of what happened. Sehun didn’t say a thing, didn’t even kick Jongin’s face/stomach/crotch or pull or his hair. He had kept the straight-face ever since he walked into the classroom that morning, pictures of Chanyeol with his arms around some SM model - what’s her name again, Sulli? -  thrown all over the place. To be frank, it hurt Jongin more than it should.

“Hyung, I’m pretty sure this is against the law,” Sehun said monotonously as he stared out the windows of Jongin’s car, feeling dizzy from the row of apple trees that passed by so fast.

“No. I am taking my baby brother to the amusement park. Nothing’s wrong about that!” Jongin chuckled, and Sehun’s face fell. Jongin didn’t see the disappointed look in Sehun’s eyes when he let out those hurtful words.

So you only see me as a baby brother...

“Oh really. And you think it’s going to help?”

“Damn sure it will.”

Sehun likes Jongin like a friend, loves Jongin like the first love. He feels greedy because he likes Chanyeol too. Chanyeol is his sunshine, his energy water, his vitamin. Chanyeol is the reason he is still alive and breathing because when Chanyeol said there is always hope in that cheerful song, Sehun naively believed him.

But there is no hope for Chanyeol.

Chanyeol’s a hallyu star for crying out loud! Chanyeol has millions of fans who worship him like a God and shower him with lavish gifts like cellphones and iPads and macbooks. And the most Sehun was able to give him thus far was an incoherent fan letter that sounded like it was written by a third-grader. Sehun wouldn’t be good enough just to stand next to him and feel like he should be by his side.

“Eat this. You’ll feel better.” Jongin handed Sehun a cotton candy. But Sehun’s face didn’t light up at the sight of the fluffy pink treat like it always did. Jongin’s heart sank, but that didn’t mean he would stop trying.

“Take the unicorn, Sehun. Isn’t this just so fluffy you could die!” Jongin beamed as he shoved the huge- stuffed animal that he won into Sehun’s face. He spent half an hour at the claw machine to win the damn doll, and his fingers hurt like hell, but Sehun’s still not smiling. Who could smile when your crush is seen hugging another girl who is ten times prettier than you and seemingly his new girlfriend?

“Come on, let’s go on this ride. Pleaseeeeee,” Jongin overused his puppy eyes to cajole the little one into going on a roller coaster with him, and he could care less about missing work right now. Sehun is his joy, and if Chanyeol, that bastard, is Sehun’s joy, then Jongin is making sure Sehun stays happy.

Holding hands with Sehun will leave him with enough happy thoughts to last an eternity - never will he wash this hand!

And then Sehun thought,

There is no hope for Jongin either.

Jongin’s a prodigy. Jongin’s a genius, born with an outstanding brain and incisive eyes that see through everything. Sehun is this stupid kid that hangs off Jongin’s sleeve like a tail. And Jongin’s old. Too old for Sehun to reach. So close yet so far away. It’s like he’s there one second and the next he’s gone. Sooner or later, Jongin would be off to his next challenge, his next adventure, going to med school or something, living his American dream, and then Sehun will be left alone in the corner of his bedroom, still trying to read the whole passage without stopping to go through the alphabet in his mind.

And Sehun feels greedy as hell, wanting both males to notice him, to love me, choose me, pick me, while unknowingly breaking both their hearts in the process.

“Come on, let’s go on the carousel!” Jongin chirped as he took Sehun by the waist and pulled the younger onto the white horse with him. They fit perfectly. But Sehun’s still deep in thought, not saying a word.

There is something about carousels that freak him out. It’s like it will never end. It keeps going round and round, feeling as if you’d get stuck forever if you don’t jump out soon enough. The fantasy-like music deludes you, momentarily, into thinking that miracles exist, which, mind you, do not. It spins and spins and spins, spinning into eternity, spinning into happy-ever-afters and before you know it, you’re not getting off.

And that’s where they’d both be, stuck in the carousel of time and their own feelings, neither of them voice out what they want to say.

///

Luhan-ssi. Drink some milk. It will do you good. - Suho hyung.

Pain comes in all forms.

Pain is when you fall the first time you stand on your own two feet as you make baby steps toward your mommy. Pain is when you get punched by that kid in preschool for being too lanky, too weak, too small. Pain is when you lose your most important soccer match, the match that will get you into the national team if you try hard enough. Pain is when you realize that no, Daddy won’t notice you, Daddy won’t be here seeing you grow up because he’s too busy over there, screwing his es and meeting with business partners.

But then Luhan realizes, he’s never walked the baby steps toward his mommy. Even if he has one.

And he’s never went to preschool. Homeschooled till he decided to go to Korea for good.

And he’s never lost a soccer match. Not a single one.

And he hates Wu Yi Fan in the guts.

The only thing that manages to break Luhan. The only person to get to the ice prince Luhan’s cold-heart. Is Oh Su Ho.

Pain is when you wake up one day, in the bed of the man you flirted with in a bar, knowing fully well that he’s seventeen years older than you. It hurts more when his son is your classmate, and that you punched him in the face the first time you met. But that’s what love is about: wanting someone so out of reach.

Luhan groggily got out of bed, yet to be sober. He reached up a hand to touch the bandage on his forehead, feeling the pounding headache coming at him full force. His clothes are not what he remembered wearing, and the Volkswagen watch he had on last night was long gone. The last thing he remembered was getting back from the club Suho worked at, which, he heard, was being turned into a strip club by none other than his lovely father Wu Yi Fan, and then a bunch of delinquents cornered him in a dark alley, beating the out of him. Everything else was a blur.

Luhan looked up as the door creaked open, revealing the man who made his heart ache.

Junmyun held a tray in his hands and put it on the bedside table. His smile was so kind, that Luhan almost forgot that this man had a son who Luhan loved torturing at his house. This man before him had a family, and Luhan was ruining it with his childish heart that hpaid no attention to its master.

Junmyun ruffled Luhan’s hair. The younger winced as the wound on his head started to throb.

“I found you in an alleyway on my way home from work. W-”

“No need to explain. I know what happened.” Luhan diverted his gaze from Junmyun. There was no way his heart would be intact after this. So he switched his attention onto the walls of Suho’s bedroom, covered with pictures of Suho and Sehun, all smiling. Like a real family. Like a family Luhan never has.

“I wanted to call your parents but your wallet was stolen and there was no ID card or contact number for me to reach out. So I had to bring you back here.”

“Does Sehun know?”

“What?”

“Does Sehun know I’m staying here?”

“No. Absolutely not. He went to school first thing in the morning. Still mad at me for yelling at him yesterday night I guess.”

Suho scratched his head. Luhan didn’t know why but the smile on the older’s face sent rays of warmth into his heart. It’s wrong on so many levels but at the same time it feels right.

As long as there is hope...

“Hey! WHere’s your wife?” Luhan asks bluntly, regaining his snotty, rich-kid composure. Junmyun looks like he’s about to cry, and it reminds Luhan of Sehun so much he suddenly burst out laughing. Like father like son.

Must be dead. Or divorced. Should I take my chances?

The smile on Junmyun’s face faltereds as he mumbled a, “It’s not your business,” before standing up to leave. Luhan stood up at the same time, ignoring the sharp pain pounding against his skull, clutching at the hem of Junmyun’s white shirt for dear life.

“Hyung...Are you going to leave me...just like my mother did?” Luhan said with teary eyes, the spasm of grief hitting him like tidal waves. Flashes of memories went through his head, and before long Luhan’s shirt was already soaked with fresh tears.

Junmyun, out of sympathy for the boy, couldn’t help holding back his tears.

“I’m not leaving you, dear. I will never leave you.”

There is this connection he can’t explain. There is something about the boy that makes him want to protect, want to cherish. It’s inexplicable how Luhan catches his eyes so easily and tugs at his heart so fast, and then the next moment Junmyun finds himself pulling the younger into a tight embrace, holding that heaving chest into his arms while running circles on the younger’s back.

And it’s not love.

“Oh Su Ho. Listen to this and listen well. My full name is Wu Shi Han. I am seventeen, clearly not old enough to drink but I do so just because I can. I was born in China but I lived here because I hate to look at my bastard of a father’s face on a daily basis. I am the star player of every soccer team I have been on. My mom left me when I was a child. I have a stepbrother who clings to me like a plague. I don’t give a flying about studying, but apparently my father, Wu Yi Fan is a control freak. I don’t do drugs, I don’t sleep with hookers. And...I like you very much, Suho-ssi. I, Wu Shi Han, love you like crazy.”

And it was the last straw.

The last drop of water, spilled.

Junmyun pushed Luhan away as far as he could, trembling as the information sank in.

Wu Shi Han...

The name played itself in Junmyun’s ear, taunting him. Junmyun couldn’t take all of it. Junmyun coudln’t believe what was being said. Luhan looked hurt when the oder pushed him away, but Junmyun could no longer bring himself to hold the younger in his arms.

The one he left behind.

“Please, go, Luhan-ssi. I told you already, I am married. I am old enough to be your father. Heck, my son goes to the same class as you. The last thing I need is some weird kid having stupid crushes on me.” Junmyun turned away, afraid that those doe-like eyes will bring him back to the verge of tears. He ignored the sharp pain in his chest as Luhan slumped into a sobbing mess on the floor, a seventeen-year-old mess that Junmyun was clearly at fault with.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such a failure. I can’t...You can’t know the truth. I messed up. This is all my fault. And I deserve all the hate from you, Han, but please don’t make this more painful than it should.

“Hyung! Am I not good enough for you? Where is your wife? Is she prettier than me? Is that what this is all about? Because I will be good for you, Hyung. Please. Choose me. Love me. Only me...”

Junmyun felt like dying when he threw Luhan out of the door, the epinephrine rushing in his bloodstream. Even when he collapsed onto the floor with a crying Luhan embedded in his mind, the pain wouldn’t go away.

Please go. I am not good enough for you. You deserve better than this failure as a father, Han. You deserve to be with them.

You belong with them, Han.

Not me. You’re not mine anymore.

a/n: so its really late now and i can almost feel my brain shutting down on me, but fck that cup of coffee its preventing me from getting any sleep tonight ><

the main image has nothing to do with this chapter, as you might have noticed, but yeah i just wanna put a picture of luahn's MANLY hand on sehun's BEAUTIFUL waist okay

this is probably one of my favorite chaps T__T