Junhong woke up to find the curtains in his room already drawn apart, letting sunlight stream into the dark room.

With a long yawn, Junhong stretched his arms and got off the bed when he caught a whiff of a delicious scent coming from the kitchen.

He entered the kitchen and saw Yongguk standing by the stove, cooking what looked like chicken stew in the silver pot. When Yongguk noticed him in the kitchen, he greeted him with a warm smile.

Junhong gave him a confused blink.

Weird, he felt out of place. The kitchen was way too bright and he felt like he was floating. The atmosphere itself was light. The surreal tranquility made him feel anxious all of the sudden.

Before he could ask, Yongguk spoke up.

“Had fun sleeping all day?”

“Uh, what are you cooking?” Junhong asked instead, blinking again.

“Chicken stew,” Yongguk answered nonchalantly, returning his focus towards the stew.

Junhong stared at his brother for a long time, unable to say something else. Yongguk looked different. Way different from what he remembered but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Something was off. He approached his brother and touched his shoulder. Yongguk turned around and raised an eyebrow, chuckling.

“What?”

“Hyung, I thought you were dead.”

“Why?” 

“You got-” Junhong stopped talking when he realized that he was staring into Himchan’s eyes.

“Is something wrong?” Himchan asked, obviously confused.

“Hyung, you’re bleeding,” Junhong said when he noticed blood trailing down Himchan’s forehead. He trailed his fingers down Himchan’s forehead and gasped when he felt the sticky liquid make contact with the tips of his fingers.

“You killed me,” Himchan creased his forehead but his lips curled up into a disturbing smile. “I was right, you were here to kill me.”

Junhong recoiled from him and shook his head slowly.

“W-what are you talking about? Hyung…”

“You did it, Junhongie,” Himchan laughed, more blood trailing down his face.

It was like he was crying out blood from his eyes.

“You got your revenge.”

Junhong blinked and when he opened his eyes, he was sitting on a plastic chair.

He rubbed his eyes and stared at the ceiling for a while. When he saw white, he was reminded that he was in a hospital. He heard the sound of beeping machine and looked down to see his right hand grabbing a pale one. Then his eyes moved upwards to see Himchan lying on a bed, head bandaged and face oddly stiff. His breathing was steady and the movement of his eyelids was slow, as if he was reading a book with his eyes closed.

He was safe and alive.

Junhong let out a sigh of relief and leaned his forehead against the back of Himchan’s cold hand.

“You’re awake?” Daehyun asked as he entered the room.

“Uh, yeah…” Junhong nodded.

“Let me drive you home, Junhong. You need to take a shower and sleep comfortably. You’ve been sleeping on that chair for almost a week.”

“But Himchan hyung might wake up…”

“If he does, I’ll make sure to bring you back here as soon as possible, I promise.”

“Alright,” Junhong nodded, eyes on the man lying on the bed.

Junhong the back of Himchan’s hand with his thumb as he stood up.

He could almost feel Himchan squeezing back in return before he let go of him.

♦

The ride to Himchan’s house was hauntingly silent. Junhong realized that and when he turned to look at Daehyun, he could see the said man gripping the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles white. The tension that had settled between them was unbearable and Junhong felt suffocated. It was like being dunk into a barrel filled with icy cold water. He wanted to say something to change the atmosphere but it was hard.

Daehyun looked like he would snap if Junhong were to let out a word from his mouth.

Before Junhong could think of more ways to lessen the tension, Daehyun hit the brake and stopped at the side of the road, causing Junhong to almost slam his ribs against the dashboard if it wasn’t for the seatbelt he’d worn around him.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Daehyun muttered.

Junhong stared at Daehyun and bit his lips. Daehyun was a mess. His eyes were red from lack of sleep and he seemed like he had aged a few years.

Terribly exhausted.

That was what Junhong thought when he looked at the man.

After Himchan fell down the balcony, Daehyun didn’t even have a proper sleep, just like Junhong. He had been going back and forth from his work place to the hospital like he was programmed to do so. The thing was, he wasn’t a robot. He was a human, after all. He could feel tired and sad.

Watching his best friend lying on the bed all broken wasn’t something that he enjoyed.

He was shocked. He never thought that his friend would do something so stupid and unthinkable. It wasn’t like him to do such a thing. He had always thought that Himchan was strong enough to deviate himself from breaking down.

Himchan was lucky. He didn’t kill himself when he fell down the balcony—Daehyun’s apartment was located at the first floor. He’d only fractured his left leg, and maybe even given himself a concussion to his head.

He didn’t die.

That was a good thing but only good to him.

It didn’t do any good to his friend. In fact, Himchan had given his friend the worst memory he’d ever had in his life.

Daehyun couldn’t forget the image of Himchan lying sprawled on the ground, left leg twisted and head bleeding, painting a horrifying background with his blood.

It was sickening. Daehyun had screamed in sheer terror and so did Junhong. They thought that they’d lost him. It wasn’t until a passerby came to Himchan’s side and checked for his pulse to confirm to them that he was still breathing, barely alive.

“I can’t stand watching him in that terrible condition,” Daehyun leaned his forehead against the steering wheel.

Junhong could only swallow the lump in his throat as a reply. This is the first time Daehyun had confessed his true feelings in front of him. He didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like he could make things better by telling him that everything would be okay.

Nothing was okay.

“I feel so guilty for not reaching out earlier,” Daehyun muttered, more like he was talking to himself. “I feel like I should blame myself for what happened. I shouldn’t have let you come with me that day. I should’ve waited for him to calm down.”

A heavy sigh escaped from Daehyun’s lips.

“But to tell you the truth, a larger part tells me that I should blame you instead.”

Another lump made its way to Junhong’s throat.

Daehyun turned to look at the boy and gave him a broken smile.

“If you hadn’t entered his life, he would’ve been better. He wouldn’t have remembered anything. Why…just why did you meet him? Why did he have to meet you? He had suffered enough from the guilt, why give him another thing to be dealt with? And I can’t stop thinking that you did it on purpose. Like…you’d planned for this to happen.

“I hate seeing him like that. He didn’t deserve it. He was supposed to live normally. He’d changed after the accident. He’s not the Himchan I knew anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Junhong hung his head, fiddling with the seatbelt.

“No, no,” Daehyun heaved a sigh, running his hand over his face. “I’m just tired. I apologize. I shouldn’t have started this conversation. Let’s just forget about what I said. It’s not your fault.”

“But I can’t help to blame myself either,” Junhong said, earning a confused look from Daehyun. Junhong stared into his brown orbs and cleared his throat. “I was the one who approached him first. I was the one who turned him this way.”

“Junhong…”

“I have thought of revenge,” Junhong confessed. “I even thought of killing him the way he’d killed my brother.”

Daehyun’s face contorted in horror. He opened his mouth to say something but he wasn’t sure how he should respond.

“That’s why I followed him around in the first place. I was planning for revenge. I tried finding ways to torture him, to make sure that he could feel what I felt. But then he lives alone. I have no one to steal from him. I was desperate to put the guilty look on his face.

“But I was too depressed to think of ways to torture him. I had no soul in me. I was a zombie. All I could do was follow him around…and that was when he noticed me. I’d clearly made a mistake by letting him step into my world. I didn’t plan for him to worry about me and take care of me.”

“I didn’t know about that,” Daehyun muttered, eyes on the empty road.

“I hated him back then,” Junhong continued. “I hated him so much but he kept trying new ways to approach me. The next thing I knew, he’s replaced my brother, the one he’d killed.”    

Junhong closed his eyes and leaned his head against the headrest.

“I don’t hate him anymore. I can’t. He’s important to me now.” Junhong opened his eyes again and looked at Daehyun straight in the eye. “I assure you that I have abandoned the plan long time ago. There’s no more stupid revenge. I didn’t mean for this to happen to us…to him.”

Silence ensued. Both of them stared straight ahead, not meeting each other’s eyes.

“Well,” Daehyun smiled sadly. “What else can I say? I have no choice but to trust you.”

“When he wakes up, I’ll be there for him.” 

♦

Junhong adjusted the strap of his backpack as he shuffled through the hallway, heading towards Himchan’s room in the hospital. School had absorbed a large part of his energy and he wasn’t really in the mood to attend school—knowing that Himchan was in the hospital, unconscious. He’d been a bit depressed recently. He just couldn’t focus on school and it was hard to listen to what the teachers were explaining when all he could hear was Himchan’s last sentence before he dropped himself off the balcony.

I just wanna wake up.

Junhong felt hurt knowing that Himchan had thought of him as his nightmare. He couldn’t think of other ways to convince the man that he wasn’t going to hurt him…or kill him. He had gone through the thought several times now. What should he do when Himchan wakes up? Should he apologize again and again? Should he stay quiet and wait for Himchan’s reaction? He was afraid that when Himchan woke up and saw him, he would start to hyperventilate again, just like last time.

Just the thought of it scared him. He didn’t want to be left alone anymore.

“Please do something!” Daehyun’s voice rang throughout the hall, jolting Junhong out of his miserable thought.

“Stay calm sir and please stand back,” a nurse told Daehyun. “We’ll do our best to help him.”

Junhong quickened his steps and strode towards Daehyun when he saw him stepping out of Himchan’s room, face darkened and jaw clenched tight as if he was preventing himself from breaking down.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Junhong asked, forehead creased.

Before Daehyun could answer, Junhong looked into the room and gasped.

Himchan was shaking uncontrollably on the bed, as if he was being electrocuted. Two nurses were holding him down by the wrist and a doctor was ordering another nurse to bring him some medicine. Junhong tried entering the room but then the previous nurse who talked to Daehyun held him back and shook her head.

“Sir, you can’t enter now. Please wait outside. Mr. Kim is having a seizure because he lacks oxygen. Everything will be okay.” The nurse patted Junhong’s shoulder before she reentered the room to help the doctor.

Junhong leaned against the wall and stared down at the floor with Daehyun standing beside him, wearing the same expression. Both of them stayed silent, waiting as patiently as they could. After what seemed like eternity, the doctor came out of the room and informed Daehyun that Himchan had become stable.

“Things like this happen often to people with head injury. His concussion is severe. We might have to perform an MRI later.”

“Thanks,” Daehyun smiled sadly, shaking the doctor’s hand.

When the doctor had left the scene, Junhong walked into the room with Daehyun.  

“I thought we were losing him,” Daehyun muttered. “I was just talking to him but then he suddenly opened his eyes. I thought he had woken up but he started shaking furiously.”

“Do you think he’ll wake up?” Junhong asked, sitting down on the plastic chair and grabbing Himchan’s hand.

He could feel Himchan squeezing his hand. Or maybe it was just his imagination.

“I don’t know, Junhong,” Daehyun sighed. “Let’s just pray and hope for a better tomorrow. I’ll drive you home-”

“I’m staying,” Junhong said without looking at the social worker. “I wanna be there for him when he wakes up.” 

“Alright,” Daehyun nodded, heading towards the door. “I’ll come back tomorrow morning.”

♦

Junhong saw Yongguk in his dream that night.

Yongguk was waving at him, all the while smiling like a little boy. He was excited about something but Junhong couldn’t figure out the reason behind it. Junhong tried approaching his brother but the more steps he made, the further he was from him. It was like walking backwards while facing forward.

Junhong even tried running but it made no difference.

When he reached out his hand to grab his brother’s, a force held him back, forcing him to stay rooted to the ground. He tried moving his legs but couldn’t do so. When he looked down, he realized that the ground was swirling around his legs, like a whirlpool. He could feel himself being pulled downwards. He started panicking, thrashing wildly but it only worsen the situation. The ground was swallowing him.

He cried for help but no one came.

By the time the ground had dragged half of his body into the earth; a hand grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him out with ease.

Junhong coughed out dust and kneeled on the ground. Before he could thank the person who’d helped him he found himself sitting down on a chair, in a hospital.

He let out an exhausted sigh and shut his eyes tightly.

Another weird dream.

He knew he had woken up from his dream but he could still feel someone holding his hand, tugging it slightly. He creased his forehead when the tug on his hand became stronger and when he looked down at Himchan who was lying on the bed, he let out a soft gasp.

Himchan stared back at him, looking perfectly fine.