“Hey, look!” a teenage boy with red hair pointed a finger at Junhong who was sitting by himself on the swing. “What’s a hobo doing here alone?”

The red haired boy laughed, joined by his other friends.

“Scram, hobo!” a boy with a piercing on his nose told Junhong. “This place is ours.”

“Your name’s not even written on the swing,” Junhong glared at the boy.

“Do you need us to assist you out of the park?” Red hair pushed his head.

“Do that again and I’ll kill you.” Junhong narrowed his eyes at him.

“What? This?” Red hair pushed his head again, harder.

With a growl, Junhong jumped on the boy and started beating him. The others kicked at him and tried getting him off the helpless boy but Junhong stayed firm in his position.

“Get off him, hobo! You’re going to kill him!” the boy with piercing shouted at Junhong.

“Jello?” Yongguk called out the moment he entered the park, carrying two ice creams in his hands.

When he saw Junhong beating up a kid, he quickly dropped the ice creams and rushed to his brother.

“Jello, stop!” Yongguk grabbed him by the arm and lifted him off the red haired boy with much difficulty.

Junhong screamed in protest and flailed his arms around like a madman, spitting profanities at the other boy. His friends helped him up and ran away immediately after giving him useless threats.

“Jello, why did you hit that boy?” Yongguk placed his hands on Junhong’s shoulders.

Junhong averted his brother’s eyes and kept his mouth shut, panting and sweating.

“Fighting’s not good, Jello.” Yongguk told him in a careful tone. “It’s not worth it. It’ll only turn you into a bad person. You know I don’t want you to be like that, right?”

“But they were mocking me!” Junhong exclaimed, his fists burning with rage.

“I told you, it’s not worth it,” Yongguk frowned. “Listen to me, Jello. I need you to promise me that you’ll never fight again, okay?”

“Whatever,” Junhong grunted, folding his arms.     

“I need a clear answer, Jello,” Yongguk smiled, messing his hair playfully. “Promise?”

“Fine, I promise.”

“Pinky promise?”

“Hyung, I’m not a kid anymore!”

♦

 “Junhong, wake up.” Himchan opened the door to Junhong’s room to find the younger boy lying in his bed with his back to him. Himchan let out a light sigh and walked over to him, patting him lightly on the shoulder. “Hey, wake up. You need to go to school.”

Junhong turned around and stared at Himchan confusedly, rubbing his eyes with his bandaged hand. Himchan had brought him to the clinic after the big fight with Baekho. Junhong’s hands were bruised and blistered. It had made Himchan feel guilty for seeing him all broken like that. He could’ve stopped the fight if he came to school earlier.

“I got suspended…” Junhong told Himchan.

Himchan blinked back to reality, staring at Junhong with wide eyes but then laughed it off.

“Oh, yeah,” he scratched his head in embarrassment. “I forgot. Since you’re already up, why don’t you have breakfast?”

Himchan smiled and made his way outside the room, leaving Junhong to ponder over the fight he’d gotten himself into two days ago.

He’d beaten Baekho out cold. It was hard to believe that he could do that to the big guy.

Junhong stared down at his bandaged hands and frowned. He’d broken his promise completely. He thought he wouldn’t let himself get drifted away but he was dead wrong. Aron was right. They were no different from each other. Junhong felt ashamed of himself. Yongguk would’ve been disappointed at him if he were to find out about it. Junhong could just imagine the look on Yongguk’s face.

He would frown and shake his head, discontentment filling his sad eyes.

Junhong buried his face in his palms and bit his lips, cursing at himself mentally for being an idiot.

He couldn’t even keep a simple promise.

He was useless. How could Yongguk be proud of him? How could he keep on living after knowing that he’d broken his own life?

Junhong decided to push the thoughts away and got off the bed. Then he took a quick shower and pulled on his jumper and jeans before he walked into the kitchen to be greeted by the tempting scent of breakfast.

“I took the day off,” Himchan told Junhong as the teenage boy stuffed the breakfast into his mouth absentmindedly.

The food was delicious but Junhong couldn’t enjoy it wholly for he was drowned in disappointment and sorrow.

Junhong nodded in reply at Himchan’s statement.

“Do you wanna go somewhere?” Himchan asked, eyeing him expectantly.

Junhong shook his head, eyes downcast.

“Junhong, I know you feel guilty for hitting Baekho. It’s…not your fault.” Himchan let the silence take over for a couple of minutes but then continued when he saw the pain in Junhong’s eyes. “I wish I can help you, Junhong. But you need to open up to me for me to be able to help you. I don’t know why but it feels like you’re holding a grudge on me. Do you…hate me?”

Junhong gazed up to meet Himchan’s eyes.

Did he hate him?

If Himchan had asked him on the first day they met each other, Junhong would’ve said yes without hesitation but now that Himchan had attached himself to Junhong’s life, the boy started doubting himself.

Why couldn’t he be sure of what he felt towards him?

Junhong closed his eyes as a thought dawned on him.

As much as he wanted to deny it, he knew very well that his heart wouldn’t let him because it was the truth that he himself had acknowledged in the first place.

Himchan reminded him of Yongguk.

It sounded weird because Himchan didn’t look anything like Yongguk.

Yongguk was stern and straightforward while Himchan was gentle and cautious around Junhong.

What was it about Himchan that made Junhong see Yongguk in him?

“I don’t hate you,” Junhong muttered after a while. Himchan didn’t respond, instead, he kept on staring at him. “But I don’t like you either.”

Himchan gazed down at his hands and pursed his lips. His forehead creased as he built up the right words in his head.

“Then…is it possible for me to change your mind?”

Junhong pondered over the question.

Was it possible? Did Junhong want this? Himchan had been taking care of him this whole time and not even once did he abandon him. He was there to help him. He was true to his words. Was that enough to make Junhong change his feelings towards him?

“Maybe,” Junhong said after a while, clasping his hands together and looking at Himchan. Then for the first time, he gave him a small smile. “But I will try to change my mind.”

Junhong had made his decision.

He wouldn’t hate Himchan.

He would open up to him because he’d made a promise to Yongguk.

This time, he intended to keep that promise.

♦

 “I’m home.” Himchan said as he entered the house.

Junhong got up from the couch and watched Himchan as he took off his shoes and coat.

“Hey, Junhongie. What do you want for dinner?”

“Anything,” Junhong answered, his eyes not leaving Himchan as the said man walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, peering inside.

“I need a specific answer,” Himchan folded his arms and stared at teenage boy who stood awkwardly in the living room. “Well? I don’t know how to cook ‘anything’.”

Junhong rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Spaghetti?”

“Okay then,” Himchan smiled as he opened the cabinet, only to be hit by a box of cereal as it fell down.

Junhong laughed but then covered his mouth when Himchan shot him a glare. When Junhong averted his eyes and sat down on the couch again, Himchan gasped.

Confused, Junhong craned his neck to find Himchan standing behind the couch, looking at him as if he’d seen an alien. Junhong raised his eyebrows at him.

“You laughed…” Himchan pointed at him. “You should do that more often!”

“Wha-?” Junhong creased his forehead and blinked several times.

“It’s good knowing that you’re willing to help yourself.” Himchan’s features softened as he said the words. “I’m really glad.”

Junhong blinked again, unsure how to respond. Himchan only gave him a nod before he walked away. Ignoring the show on the TV, Junhong observed Himchan as he bent down to play with Bbang.

Yes, Junhong couldn’t deny anymore the fact that Himchan reminded him of Yongguk.

Both of them were willing to stay by his side and both had helped him to strive further in his life.

Junhong was starting to see Himchan in a different way. And that different wasn’t something bad to Junhong.

It was a good thing.

“Oh, I forgot to buy your milk!” Himchan slapped himself on the forehead, apologizing to Bbang.

“Let’s go together,” Junhong said before Himchan could get his car key. “And maybe we should stop by a park or someplace where we can have fresh air.”

Himchan stared at him wide-eyed, surprised that Junhong had suggested such a thing. But then he composed himself and let out a content sigh.

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Himchan smiled at him.

Junhong smiled back, and this time, it came to his lips naturally.

He was slowly opening up to him.

Step by step, he was moving towards his promise to Yongguk.

♦

Junhong stood at the front porch with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Himchan was taking a freaking long time to prepare himself for their outing that day.

He’d told Junhong that he would bring him to a new park last night.

“I heard there are a lot of ducks in the lake!” he’d said excitedly. “Maybe we should go there to feed them.”

Since Junhong had nothing to do on weekend, he’d agreed to Himchan. He thought that it was the only chance for him to get rid of the awkwardness between them. Well, he might be the only one who felt uncomfortable since Himchan was always friendly.

“Sorry, I couldn’t find my favorite scarf.” Himchan said as he closed the front door and unlocked the door of his car. “I thought I’d kept it in my closet. Funny how things seem to disappear just like that.”

“Maybe you misplaced it.” Junhong made an assumption.

“Yeah, maybe.” Himchan narrowed his eyes, trying hard to remember where he’d last placed his favorite scarf. “Man, it’s so frustrating to be forgetful.”

Without another word, Himchan started the engine and drove down the road slowly. From time to time, Junhong would glance at him surreptitiously while he drove. Himchan could sense the boy staring at him so he let out a soft chuckle and raised his eyebrows.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Junhong muttered, quickly tearing his gaze away from the man. 

“You should talk more, Junhong. If you wanna say something then say it. I won’t get angry.”

“Never mind, really.” Junhong shook his head.

“Fine…” Himchan huffed disappointedly. “I guess it’s really hard for you to open up to me, considering that-whoa!”

Himchan pulled the break just in time before he could knock over a little girl who was running after her dog. Her mother rushed to her immediately and bowed to Himchan as in apology, her face contorted in worry. Junhong could see her scolding her daughter as they walked off the road, heading back to their house.

When Junhong turned to face Himchan, he could see the man breathing hard, his hands trembling as they gripped the steering wheel tightly. 

“A-are you okay?” Junhong asked.

Himchan seemed to be in a trance but then he blinked and looked at Junhong. He gave him a shaky smile and attempted to laugh.

“I’m fine. It’s just that the little girl surprised me…” He started driving again, eyes restless. “There’s the park. I can’t wait to feed the ducks!”

Junhong could only nod at him as he parked the car at the entrance of the park. Himchan’s hands were still trembling as they made their way to a stall where an old man sold breads and snacks. Junhong couldn’t keep his eyes off Himchan’s hands.

Was Himchan that scared at the thought of knocking over the little girl?

Junhong bit his lips when something dawned on him.

Of course, he should’ve known. How could he almost forget about it? The previous incident must have brought Himchan back to when he ran over Yongguk. Junhong could feel his stomach lurch as he recalled the bad memory.

Yongguk lying on the ground lifelessly with blood trailing down his head. Junhong’s breathing echoing in his own ears.

 He shut his eyes and opened them again when Himchan called for him.

“I bought the bread.” He smiled at him. “Let’s sit down on the bench and feed the ducks.”

Both of them settled on a bench located under a tree near the lake. Himchan tore the bread into tiny bits and tossed them into the lake. The ducks swam towards the food and started quacking, fighting with each other. Junhong only stared at the ducks blankly.

“Here,” Himchan placed a handful of bread crumbs into Junhong’s bandaged palm.

Junhong tossed the bread crumbs one by one and the ducks quacked at him, as if growing impatient and demanding for more. Junhong smiled at the ducks and Himchan noticed that smile. Without a word, Himchan took Junhong’s left hand—the one without the bread crumbs—and the bandage. Junhong’s hand looked so broken that it had given Himchan a lump in his throat.    

“I feel so guilty for letting this happen to you.” Himchan muttered, eyes on Junhong’s hand. “I even promised that I would protect you.”

“It’s not your fault.” Junhong told him. “I was careless. It was my fault for not able to control myself.”

Himchan swallowed hard and shook his head wistfully.

“If I could turn back the time, I would’ve come to help you earlier.”

And if I could turn back the time, I wouldn’t have let Yongguk hyung retrieve that ball. None of this would happen if he didn’t walk down that road. I wouldn’t suffer. You wouldn’t feel guilty.  

“I don’t blame you.” Junhong said.

Himchan looked up at him and blinked. His eyes were so full of regret. Junhong could just see it. Maybe Himchan had misinterpreted what he meant as him forgiving him for not reaching school earlier but it was enough for Junhong to tell him that. He didn’t want to tell Himchan about Yongguk. He’d already decided to forgive him. Junhong didn’t want to hold a grudge against him anymore.

He didn’t want to resent him.

Maybe Himchan really was the one who could give him warmth despite the irony of their relationship.

With a genuine smile on his face, Junhong took Himchan’s trembling hands in his and held them securely—just like the way he would when he was with Yongguk.

Himchan’s hands stopped trembling.