Junhong paced back and forth in the living room, fiddling with his fingers nervously as he waited for Himchan to come back home.

Last night after Himchan had recovered from his hyperventilation, he’d grabbed his car key and went outside the house, not even changing out of his wet clothes. Junhong had tried calling out for him, trying to get his attention but he’d ignored the anxious boy.

Junhong had become invisible to him.

Junhong couldn’t even sleep. He was dead worried about Himchan. He was afraid that Himchan would do something stupid. He would’ve called him to ask him where he was but Junhong didn’t even have a phone. He could’ve used the phone in Himchan’s house but then again, he didn’t know Himchan’s number.

Agitated, Junhong opened the front door and looked outside, hoping that he would see Himchan’s car pulling over at the driveway.

He closed his eyes and imagined a cheerful Himchan stepping out of his car, one hand carrying his briefcase and the other waving at him. Himchan would greet him and cook dinner for him. Then they would spend the rest of the night playing video games or watching movies while eating Himchan’s homemade popcorn.

Nothing would get in their way and everything would remain the same.

Junhong opened his eyes again and stared at the driveway disappointedly.

Nothing.

No white car. No cheerful Himchan.

Junhong let out a long sigh, worry grew bigger and bigger when bad thoughts came to his mind.

Bbang approached Junhong and greeted him with a long meow, staring at him as if he was asking where his owner was.

Junhong bent down and carried him in his arms, his head as gentle as he could since inside, he was mentally banging his head against a wall. He needed to know whether Himchan was alright.

As he observed the empty driveway longingly, he started thinking about his relationship with Himchan.

They’d grown closer to each other for the past few months. Junhong didn’t realize that time had flown by so fast. It felt surreal knowing that he’d grown fond of the man who’d killed his brother. The first time he saw him, he had sworn to himself that he would get revenge but now that he’d known him, he felt like he would crumble if he left him alone.

If it wasn’t for Himchan, Junhong would’ve still lived at the orphanage like a soulless person. Junhong might even still refuse to talk to anyone.

Junhong wouldn’t have been able to feel warmth again.

Bbang meowed again, bringing Junhong back to reality. Junhong looked down at the white cat and noticed a few drops of tears on his soft fur. Junhong used his thumbs to wipe the corner of his eyes.

He was crying.

It was his first time crying for someone else other than Yongguk. And that someone was someone who’d become important to him— someone whom he loved as much as he loved Yongguk.

Before Junhong could close the door and wait for Himchan inside the house, a black car came to sight and stopped in front of the house. Junhong stared at the driver mutely as he got out of his car and walked over to him.

“W-who are you?” the driver asked Junhong, eyeing him suspiciously.

“I’m Junhong,” Junhong answered timidly. Then he mustered up his courage and asked, “Are you Himchan hyung’s friend? Do you know where he is?”

“Uh…yeah,” the man scratched his head and smiled weakly. “I’m Daehyun. Himchan and I work together—wait—so you’re…you’re that dead guy’s brother?”

Junhong flinched at the callous words Daehyun had used to address Yongguk.

“Y-yes,” Junhong nodded slightly, dropping his gaze to the cemented ground.

Daehyun let out a sigh as he stared at Junhong from head to toe. Then he patted him on the shoulder and shook his head sadly.

“I’m really sorry about your brother…”

“It’s fine.” Junhong replied faintly before he looked up at the man. “Uh, where is Himchan hyung?”

“He’s at my apartment. He got drunk last night and he told me that he didn’t want to go back home because he didn’t want to see…you.”

“Oh,” Junhong blinked. He could feel his heart dropping to the pit of his stomach.

The situation had turned the other way completely.

Now it was Himchan’s turn to avoid Junhong.

“I’m here to get some fresh clothes for Himchan. Do you mind?” Daehyun raised his eyebrows at Junhong, waiting for the boy to let him in.

Junhong nodded and made way for Daehyun to enter the house. Daehyun headed straight to Himchan’s room, making Junhong wonder whether he always visited Himchan at his house. Himchan had never told Junhong about Daehyun.

When Daehyun stepped out of Himchan’s room with a paper bag in his hand, Junhong approached him and stared at him expectantly.

“C-can I meet Himchan hyung?”

Daehyun gave Junhong a remorseful look and smiled weakly as he patted the boy on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry kid, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to see him now. Himchan…” Daehyun stopped for a while and sighed as he gave Junhong a squeeze on his shoulder, as if that would make him feel better. “Give him some time. He needs to recover.”

“Please take care of Himchan hyung,” Junhong told Daehyun as he stepped out of the house. The man turned around to face Junhong and nodded. “And please tell him that I don’t blame him for what had happened to Yongguk hyung.”

“I will.” Daehyun nodded once again, accompanied by an assuring smile on his chapped lips. Then he waved at him before he went into his car and drove away.

♦

 “Hey, what’s wrong man?” Jongup touched Junhong’s shoulder as he sat down beside him on the bench.

“Nothing, I was just thinking about Himchan hyung.” Junhong muttered wistfully, staring at the distance.

“So he still hasn’t come home?”

Junhong shook his head slowly and bit his lips.

“It’s been a week,” Junhong said, his voice quivering. “I wish I could tell him that I don’t blame him for my brother’s death. He wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Did you try visiting him at his friend’s place?” Jongup tried asking but immediately regretted for doing so when he saw the pained look on his friend’s face.

“He doesn’t want to see me,” Junhong blinked back the tears. He didn’t want to cry in front of his friend. He didn’t want to be pitied. “But I’ll try again. This time I’ll tell him that I don’t hate him. I’ll convince him.”

Jongup smiled at Junhong and draped his arm around him, assuring him that everything would turn out alright.

Junhong had really wanted to believe his friend but a part of him doubted what his friend had told him.

What if Himchan didn’t want to see him ever again? What if Himchan decided to send him back to the orphanage and forget about him? What if Himchan left him just like the way his mother and father had left him when he was little?

Who would give him the warmth he needed if not Himchan?     

“Let’s go home. It’s really hot out here,” Jongup fanned himself with the collar of his uniform.

Junhong could only give his friend a small smile as they made their way towards the school gate.

When they reached there, Junhong came to a halt the moment he saw a black car parked in front of it. A man was leaning against the car, his hands folded over his chest. He was wearing a dark suit with his blue tie hanging loosely around his neck and he was sweating under the scorching sun. When he spotted Junhong, he smiled and waved at him.

“Who is that man?” Jongup raised a brow at Junhong.

“It’s Daehyun hyung. He’s Himchan hyung’s friend…” Junhong looked at Jongup and then back to Daehyun. “I’m going to talk to him.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow then.” Jongup smiled and walked away.

“Hey, kid.” Daehyun greeted Junhong when the boy approached him with a confused look. “Do you mind joining me for a lunch?”

“Why?” Junhong blinked, creasing his forehead.

“We need to talk about Himchan.”

♦

Junhong stared at the decorations in the café intently, hands fiddling with the hem of his school uniform. It was quite peaceful being there what with the slow song and bright atmosphere but Junhong couldn’t stop himself from worrying about Himchan. He wanted to see him and tell him over and over again that he didn’t blame him for Yongguk’s death.

He felt insecure all of the sudden. The previous thoughts flashed into his mind once again.

What if Himchan left him? Would he have to return to the orphanage again?

He didn’t want to go there. He liked living with Himchan. The orphanage was cold while Himchan’s house was full of warmth.

He loved staying there.

“I bought you smoothie and a plate of fish and chips,” Daehyun told Junhong as he placed the meal on the table. “I doubt that you would drink coffee.”

“Thanks,” Junhong smiled nervously as he took a sip of the smoothie. It was quite bitter. Junhong looked at the color of the smoothie. It was pink. He assumed that it was a strawberry smoothie.

“Actually I wanna tell you about Himchan’s condition,” Daehyun spoke up after minutes of awkward silence passed by. “He’s been depressed since the day he kil—no—since the day your brother passed away. He felt extremely guilty and he couldn’t even live properly. That day, after the accident…he cried like a lost child, you know? It was really devastating to see him like that. He wanted to go the funeral but he caught a fever so I didn’t let him. He took lots of sleeping pills, drank day and night…I had to watch over him just to stop him from getting worse. He even tried suicide.”

“What?” Junhong’s eyes grew large at the statement.

“Yes, it’s that bad.” Daehyun nodded glumly. “You do know about his childhood days, right?”

 Junhong nodded and Daehyun pursed his lips.

“He was scarred. It’s been a painful journey for him. I’m his only close friend so he told me everything about his past. He’s a cheerful guy actually but since the accident, he changed. He still smiles but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes, you know what I mean? It took him lots of effort to recover from the traumatic event. Even psychiatrists couldn’t make him feel better. Hard to imagine, huh? He’s broken just like you. Both of you suffered after the accident.”

“I don’t blame him anymore,” Junhong muttered, eyes on the table. Tears once again threatened to fall down. “I want him to know that.”

“Do you notice something weird about him?” Daehyun asked. “Perhaps about him forgetting things often?”

“Y-yes…” Junhong nodded. “I just noticed it recently. Do you know what’s wrong with him? I’m really worried.”

“He didn’t want to tell me,” Daehyun frowned. “But I know something was wrong with him. I’ve seen it too often while we were working together. He would always search for his stuff in the office and act all confused. He’s been acting like that since the accident. Maybe he’d hit his head…I don’t know. I’d told him about going to the hospital but he refused. Maybe he’d gone there by himself. But to think that he’s been hiding things from me…it’s not like him.”

Junhong blinked and stared into the distance. He couldn’t remember that well since the accident had happened in a blink of an eye but if he tried recalling maybe he could notice something about Himchan.

Maybe he could remember whether Himchan had hurt himself during the accident.

Junhong closed his eyes and sighed in defeat. The memory was too vague for him to remember clearly. He’d been trying to forget about it anyway so it was impossible for him to relive the situation. It would only mean that he was trying to enter the nightmare once again.

Junhong blinked the bad memory off his mind and concentrated on the man in front of him.

“Can I meet Himchan hyung?”

Daehyun shook his head.

“Junhong, I don’t think it’s a good idea to-”

“Daehyun hyung, I have no one else other than Himchan hyung.”

Daehyun stared at Junhong for a long time, biting his lips. Junhong stared back, determined to get his permission. Daehyun was about to speak up but then Junhong intercepted.

“He’s the only one I have after Yongguk hyung left me.”

The social worker closed his eyes and let out a sigh of defeat.

♦

“Himchan? I’m home,” Daehyun exclaimed as he opened the door to his apartment. He looked back at the teenage boy who was standing behind him and flashed him a warm smile. Then he walked further into his apartment and stopped when he saw Himchan sleeping on the couch. “Himchan?”

“Oh, Daehyun you’re home?” Himchan sat up and rubbed the sleep off his eyes. “You’re early today, I tho-”

Himchan froze when he saw Junhong standing beside Daehyun. He stuttered for a while but then he quickly scrambled to his feet and ran towards Daehyun’s room but Daehyun was quick enough to stop him from locking the door.

“Himchan, stop!” Daehyun grabbed him by the wrist. “Himchan, Kim Himchan! Listen to me!”

Himchan went into hysterics, thrashing around as he tried freeing himself from Daehyun’s grip.

“It’s not my fault! Please don’t kill me!” Himchan cowered in fear, pressing his back to the corner of the room. He had his eyes shut, struggling by himself as the image of the person he’d killed flashed into his mind. “I-I didn’t k-kill him! I didn’t m-mean to do it! P-please don’t kill me…”

Junhong stepped into the dark room and watched as Daehyun attempted to calm him down. Himchan was crying river of tears. He looked broken and Junhong swore he could feel his heart break at the depressing sight of the one he’d only started to love.

“Himchan, please don’t be like this,” Daehyun told him as he enveloped him in a tight embrace, patting his head to soothe him. “Yes, it’s not your fault. Junhong doesn’t hate you, Himchan. You have to know that. No one’s gonna kill you. You’re not dreaming.”

Junhong took a step closer towards Himchan and bent down before him, placing his hand on the back of Himchan’s that was trembling uncontrollably.

“Hyung…” Junhong called out.

Himchan flinched and opened his eyes.

Before Daehyun could react, Himchan shoved him away and ran past Junhong, heading towards the balcony.

“Himchan stop!” Daehyun shouted.

“P-please don’t kill me…” Himchan whimpered, backing away. He leaned closer towards the railing and stared at Junhong catiously, afraid that he would approach him.

Junhong shook his head, refusing to believe that the situation was real. He had imagined what it was like for Himchan to suffer from guilt but it was never this bad. The first time he met Himchan, he’d always created a few scenes where he confronted him about Yongguk’s death.

He would tell Himchan about the accident and Himchan would break down in front of him, apologizing for what he’d done. Or maybe Himchan would let Junhong kill him. Or maybe Junhong would run over him with a car, just like the way he did to Yongguk.

Junhong had always thought that he would be satisfied after confronting him but here he was, standing in front of a broken man, the one who’d managed to tear his walls down by showering him with concern and generosity.

He had never felt so hurt watching someone break down.

“God, just take me away from this nightmare,” Himchan pleaded.

“Himchannie hyung, I don’t hate you.” Junhong took a step ahead but Himchan backed away once again, pressing his body against the railing. If Junhong took another step he was sure that Himchan would jump down. “I don’t blame you for Yongguk hyung’s death. I don’t hate you, hyung. Please look at me. Please, I need you to look at me.”

Himchan sniffed and wrapped his fingers around the railing, training his gaze on Junhong, lips trembling nervously.

His eyes were full of pain and Junhong could understand it completely.

Maybe the reason to their pains was different but it wasn’t hard for Junhong to understand what he felt because he knew that both of them were scarred.

Their hearts were scarred deep and painfully.

And the only way for them to get rid of the pain was by opening themselves up to someone they trusted.

Himchan had reached out to Junhong a few months ago and now this time, it was Junhong’s turn to reach out.

“I don’t hate you.” Junhong said it again, his eyes fixed on Himchan’s. Then he reached out a hand towards him, giving him a shaky smile. “I…I care so much about you, hyung.”

Himchan’s intent gaze softened at the mention of the word. His trembling lips parted slowly, his stiff shoulders sagging and his tears stopped flowing.

“Junhong,” Daehyun whispered beside him. “Grab his hand now.”

“Y-you don’t hate me?” Himchan stuttered, as if he was a child asking his parents whether they could go for a picnic. “You’re not going to kill me?

“No,” Junhong shook his head. Gingerly, he took a step closer and reached out his hand once more. “I don’t hate you. I really don’t hate you, hyung. You have to trust me. This is not a nightmare.”

Himchan lifted one hand and for instance, it seemed like he was going to grab Junhong’s but then he used it to cover his eyes, preventing Junhong from seeing the tears that had formed at the corner of his eyes.

“I’m so tired of this nightmare,” he muttered, his voice hoarse. “I just wanna wake up.”

Junhong blinked.

And that was when it happened.

Himchan leaned back and dropped himself from the balcony.