The drive home was uneventful, not to mention lonely. And there were certain crossings and red lights that I just can’t keep myself from banging my forehead against the steering wheel. The party tonight might have been a celebration for some, but not for me, and certainly not for Jihyuk. As soon as I arrived at the apartment, I looked for Jihyuk, wanting to clear out some things and to make sure she was fine. I heard her by the kitchen, but Hyukjae blocked my way.

“Let me talk to her,” I said, pleading.

His expression was grave. “She’s drunk.”

My eyes widened. “And you let her?” I pushed past him, but he was insistent.

“She’s kind of depressed right now, okay?” he said. From where I was standing, I could see Jihyuk downing another shot. “I’ll talk to her so she could let it all out. I’ll look after her, don’t worry,” he assured.

My eyes narrowed at him. “Tell me, honestly. Do you like Jihyuk?” It was a question I’ve had burning in my tongue for weeks.

He stilled for a moment. Then he turned his back to me. “I’ll bring her to your room in half an hour.”

Staring at her for a while, I gave up and sighed. Maybe she did need someone to talk to. I went to my bedroom and changed clothes. When I heard talking outside, I pressed my ear against my bedroom door and sure enough, it was Jihyuk – and the alcohol – talking. Maybe she had no idea I was already home and already in my room, but she was too absorbed in their conversation and each other’s company to notice I was here. Jihyuk started talking, and I couldn’t quite understand the slurred words she was saying.

“You know, there are moments when I think it’s a curse to be a girl,” Jihyuk started. “I know that you don’t understand because you’re a man and being a man is a completely different thing. Somehow, I think it’s easier to be in a man’s place because this is a man’s world. Men are looked up to and treated differently. Men don’t get menstrual cramps or suffer from migraine. When they cheat, it’s just forgivable. When women do, it’s almost punishable by death.”

“It’s hard to be a girl,” she continued. “Especially when you’re in a relationship with a man.” And she paused for a moment – maybe to prevent from crying or to pour herself another drink. I stood there with my ear against the door not knowing what to do, how to comfort her and how to ease her burden. I could just stand and listen and wait. “Sometimes you think he’s too good for you, like if you had just remained as friends, it would have been better for him but then you realize you want to see him always.”

“Sometimes you meet his brother and he hates you. His brother hates you for a lot of reasons and the sadder thing is that you can enumerate them yourself,” Jihyuk said, pausing for a while to cry. “Sometimes you bring him to meet your parents. This is better, you think, because they like him. Your parents like him so much that they hate you. And for the same reasons, they think he’s better off without you.”

Then she couldn’t control the outburst of emotions as she sobbed. Pausing just to breathe, she continued. “Sometimes you feel like he thinks you don’t think of him at all. But you do. He thinks your only dream is to be successful in life. But then you don’t want to sound immature and needy so you don’t tell him that your only dream is to be his wife.

”Sometimes you miss him too much, and you know – from all the movies you’ve seen and books you’ve read – that soaking your pillow with tears at two in the morning is a symptom of being heartbroken. But sometimes you’re just in the kitchen, preparing dinner even though you know he’ll come home late. Sometimes there’s just something about clanking of plates and silverware and the running water that make you miss him so much. But you know better than to call him, because you didn’t want to hear again how his job is the only thing he can be proud of.”

“Sometimes you think he’s ashamed of you—“

“That’s not true,” Hyukjae interrupted. “Donghae…D-Donghae loves you very much.”

“But you can’t blame him. And sometimes you think that’s the reason why he has no plans of marrying you, especially in front of everybody. Marrying you in front of a lot of people and then having children afterwards? That would be embarrassing enough for him. Sometimes you have to even pretend to be his cousin, just so that people wouldn’t judge him if his girlfriend is someone as low and pitiful as you. It’s hard to be a girl, because you have to be quiet always. You have to keep silent whenever he gives you birth control pills to take. It’s so hard to be a girl,” she concluded, crying a little more. “It’s so hard to be me.”

And it was heartbreaking to hear her crying. But all these things she had said, I had no idea. Was it my fault for having no time for the two of us to talk? And I realized this wasn’t a good time to point fingers and blame whoever had the most fault.  Dragging my feet, I forced myself to lie down in bed and pretended to be peaceful inside and out.  

I closed my eyes and tried to let the unconsciousness take over, but the thoughts were too noisy inside my head. How come whenever I take a step towards Jihyuk to reach out to her, she takes five steps away from my grasp? I kept my eyes closed and waited for sleep to come. There was commotion outside my bedroom, but I was too deep in my loneliness to be bothered.

The next morning was an eventful one, unlike the night before. Jihyuk’s side of the bed felt cold, indicating she had been up early or she never slept there in the first place. I walked out of the bedroom without washing my face or fixing the bed. It was awfully quiet outside. Tension hung heavily in the atmosphere, together with the smell of eggs and toasted bread and bacon and coffee.

Jihyuk left the kitchen and set the table. She was wearing an old shirt bearing the name of her high school and flannel sweatpants. There was no trace of last night’s walkout and hangover. When she saw me, she even flashed a smile. And I didn’t know which hurts me more – Jihyuk crying her heart out because of me or Jihyuk pretending like I hadn’t done anything wrong. She pushed a chair back and motioned for me to sit. When I sat, she kissed my cheek and poured me coffee. Instead of feeling relieved, I felt the guilt eating me alive. Her kindness was killing me.

Afterwards, she sat across me and began eating breakfast. I just stared at my food until I couldn’t take it anymore and said, “Jihyuk, I’m sorry.”

She looked at me and popped a piece of bread into . “What?”

“I’m sorry,” and before she could ask again, “for last night. I promised you I wouldn’t leave your side but then I did, so I’m sorry.” She was just staring at me intently, so I continued. “And it’s not as if I’m embarrassed of you.” My words came out desperately, almost as if I was about to cry. “I’m not and I never will be embarrassed of you. It’s just that you know how awkward I am in front of other people but it doesn’t mean—“

“You bastard, why are you making it hard for yourself?” Jihyuk said, almost laughing. “Don’t worry. It’s okay. It’s fine, really.” And the look on her face was enough to convince me, but not enough to stop me from apologizing to her. I took my plate and sat beside her. Although she had forgiven me, I hadn’t forgiven myself. I kissed her cheek more often than I took bites of my food. “Ya, I can’t move properly,” she complained, pushing me away, but I only cling to her more tightly.

It took almost a few minutes for me to notice. “Where’s Hyuk?” When Jihyuk only shrugged, I stood up and walked towards his bedroom door. “Hyuk?” I began knocking on his door. “Wake up and eat breakfast with us.” I waited for a few moments. When there was no reply, I knocked again. “Hyukjae, get your lazy up and ready for breakfast.” But still, I got no response – not even a groan.

When it was nothing but dead silence who answered me, I twisted the knob and entered the room. There was no Hyukjae anywhere. I returned to Jihyuk and asked, “Where did he go to so early in the morning?”

But she looked at me as innocently as ever, and said, “He left home last night.”

When I asked why, she shrugged. It didn’t look like she was playing a prank on me, so I went back to Hyuk’s room. Opening the drawers, the closet, and the bathroom, I found no trace of him anywhere – no clothes, no toothbrush, no perfume, no comic books, no Hyukjae. Sure, there were a few of his shoes and baseball caps, but I’m sure he’ll return to retrieve them later on. “Where is he?” I asked Jihyuk as I returned to the dining table.

She sipped from her coffee. “I don’t know,” was her only reply. I could only stare at her, knowing she was the only one with Hyukjae last night. After almost a minute of silence, she spoke. “When you were dragged to your colleagues last night, I was left alone, so I called Hyukjae to come and fetch me. And he did. He even paid for the soju I bought. We went here and I drank. We were just talking.”

I thought she was going to say more, so I waited for a while. When after a few minutes and she wasn’t talking, I picked my plate up and went to the kitchen sink. “He kissed me last night,” Jihyuk said all of a sudden, and I almost dropped the plate. I looked back at her, but she was still busily eating. “When I pushed him away, he told me he loves me.” She said it like it was no big deal. She said it like it was the most normal thing in the world to hear. “And then he told me that was why he had to leave. So I guess he really did leave.”