"Why wouldn't you talk to me last night?"

Jihyuk shrugged, looking down at her feet walking one step ahead of each other. "I'm sorry. I was busy all night."

"It's okay. I'm with you again today," I said, clasping her hand tighter. One torturous week of not seeing each other was hell. I turned to look at her. One entire Donghwa-free week should've brought more color on her cheeks, more being-herself to do, more life in her eyes... there was none. She rakes a hand through her hair and notices me staring at her.

"What?" she asked consciously.

I shook my head, still looking at her. "Did you sleep well last night?"

"Of course I slept well. No one was bugging me over the phone," she said and chuckled. "I just have lots of things to do right now – teaching and all."

Maybe she thinks I don't know and maybe she thinks I still don't have a clue, but I know. That day Hyukjae and I saw her waiting tables, we started sleuthing. Not stalking. There was a clear, bold line between knowing how she's doing and knowing what she's doing. I just kind of wanted to find out the former. More than once I was tempted to get inside and tell her that I know, but Hyukjae said it would only make her feel worse. And God knows that's the last thing I would want to do.

And besides, how could I expect her to tell me everything when I have secrets myself? How could I just call her and say, "Hey, you know what? My brother's been introducing me to different women these past few days and I don't know, maybe you should help me pick what I should wear to impress the next woman I'll meet?'

"I missed you," she said all of a sudden, now walking closely beside me that our shoulders were touching.

"I'mseeingotherwomen," I blurted all of a sudden.

She stopped walking, so I did too. "What?"

"Not like dating but... you know, just meeting. I'm sorry I told you only know even though it started last Monday. I was looking for the right timing and– It's not like I'm cheating on you, okay? It's just..."

"What?" she asked again, more confused than before.

I felt my cheeks burning in shame and guilt. "It's Donghwa," I exhaled. "He's introducing me to his friends and colleagues back in the hospital. I don't know, I'm a little bit lost myself."

“Why are you telling me this?” she asked with a pained expression.

“Because,” I shoved my hands into my jeans pocket. “I don’t want you to see me with other women and misunderstand and think I’m cheating on you.”

Turning away, she started walking briskly. "Jihyuk, please don't be like this," I pleaded, walking faster to outpace her.

"Don't be like what?" she asked, eyes wide and innocent. "I thought we were going out to eat? So we're going out to eat." And she grabbed me by the hand and pulled me wherever she went. She leads and I just follow. At first I thought that wasn't a good thing. But then again, I realized I would have wanted to follow her anywhere, anyhow. She didn't even have to drag me. I would just absentmindedly follow.

When we got to the restaurant, she watched as I sat down and then motioned for the waiter to come over. She ordered so much that I had thought I would be electrocuted afterwards. And when the food arrived, she pushed everything towards my side of the table. "Eat," was her only instruction.

"What about you?"

She shook her head. "I'm not hungry." Then she propped her elbow up the table and rested her chin on her palm while she watched me intently. "I'll just forget you ever told me that," she said out of the blue. Thinking it might be a trap, I looked up, only to see her looking at me in amusement. "What?" she said, smiling. "I can forget easily. It's a special talent." And she tapped her forehead with her forefinger. "Now eat or else I'll leave you here."

With my mouth full, "Do you love me?" I asked.

Jihyuk was taken by surprise. Her eyes were panicking, looking everywhere except me as if there was another way out.  I thought maybe this was it. After how many months, she will confess to me. But she picked up the bread knife on my right and let it fall from her grip to the floor. "Oh look, your knife fell. I'll pick it up for you," Jihyuk said and ducked down to get the knife.

It's not fair how I could be completely honest and she be so secretive and guarded. In the end, as always, I kept my mouth shut, remembering the consequences Hyukjae had told me about. I kept silent and acted like the feelings of worry and concern didn't bother me.

"What if, like, I started seeing other guys, too?" she asked all of a sudden.

The piece of meat I had in my mouth got me choking. "What?" I asked, immediately pouring water into a glass for myself.

Jihyuk had her eyes intently on me while she rested her chin on her hands. "What if I started seeing other guys–"

"I got it, I got it," I said, waving my hands in front of her face. "You didn't have to repeat it. Meet other people? Why?"

There was a faint gleam of amusement in her eyes. "And why not? You're allowed to do it and I'm not?"

"Well, I could stop if you wanted me to but since you told me you'll forget about it..."

She smacked my arm. "What are you saying?" she said, laughing now. "That's not how it goes. You do what you want, then I should do what I want too."

"Then why would you ask permission from me?"

"I was just asking what you think about it," she said, sitting smugly across from me. She flashed this weird smile of hers that had the right corner of twisting upward like she knew something I don't.

I sighed and shrugged. "Well if that's what you want." I picked and poked on the portions on my plate without much enthusiasm now. I had lost my appetite.

"Eat," Jihyuk ordered.

I shook my head and pushed my plate away from me.

"Aish, this babo. I said eat."

"I'm not hungry anymore.”

"Well, you have to learn how to be hungry again or else..."

"Or else what?" I challenged. "You'll leave me?"

She was silent. A combination of surprise and worry and humor flashed across her face in a brief second. Then she let out a laugh that was both pitiful and amused. She opened , as if to speak, then closed it again. Shaking her head, Jihyuk snatched the chopsticks from my hands and began feeding me.

After eating, she paid for everything. "What?" she asked when I glanced at her worriedly.

"Come on, you don't have to."

Jihyuk didn't respond. We walked out the restaurant in silence. "How's Sunmi?" I asked. It had been a long time since I last saw her.

She stills and freezes. "She's fine." And then she started walking briskly. Faster and faster as if she's running away from something. Or rather, towards something.

"Hey! Wait up," I called out.

"I really have to go." And there was no stopping her. She left me in the middle of a busy street. Have I said something wrong? I began walking counter flow with the crowd. The fear of feeling so alone in a place full of people crept up again.

Now a week after that incident, I have never seen nor heard from Jihyuk again.

***

OMG SS5 in 5 days gah