"No, I'm not fine" I clarified and waited for Jonghyun to question me. But he didn’t and I was glad for that.

Jonghyun had now scooted close enough to make our sitting position comfortable. My head on his shoulder and his head resting on the top of mine as we looked forward and neither of us spoke. I was a tangled mess at that moment and 80% of it was because of him, regardless of if he knew or not, he was here.

I felt my heart beat quicken at the thought and then realizing our proximity, it only got worse.

"I'm sorry", I hear Jonghyun say as I closed my eyes. He smelled like cinnamon and honey again, I noted. Over the last few days I had come to realize this was due to the fact that he ate cinnamon rolls with honey syrup at the canteen, everyday.

"For what?" I asked when he didn’t proceed. I had a small smile on my face, it was there because of the happiness and peace I felt in this moment. It was bliss.

I could feel Jonghyun's head lift to look at me but I was far too comfortable in my spot to move. "Because I was avoiding you and I feel really bad for that", he confessed. The sincerity in his tone caught me off guard and I failed to form a response.

Resenting it, I moved away from him and gathered what was left of his sweater and raised my hands in front of me. "I guess we are even" I said without turning to look at him, but my voice had given me away, the hurt clearly audible. I was upset that he had indeed ignored me, that I was right to have thought that. My insecurities were near to the surface but I shoved them down.

Not now Jinki, I told myself.

I felt Jonghyun shift, now sitting in front of me and forcing me to look at him. "No we aren’t" he assured me and I blinked at him in surprise. What was he getting at?

I could see him picking his words with care as he continued. "I said we were friends and then just ran away anytime you tried to talk to me. That was rude and inconsiderate of me but I had my reasons. However that doesn’t mean I should have done it, I'm sorry"

As his words sunk in, I repeated them again in my head. There was only honesty in his voice.

"Why?" I heard myself ask before I even realized it. I immediately felt guilty but a small part of me wanted to know. What was it that made him ignore me, but stand to protect me against a bully? There had to be a reason.

Jonghyun averted his gaze and ran his fingers through his hair. He wasn’t ready to talk about it, at least with me. The seconds passed by and I was about to tell him I didn’t want to know, which was a lie of course but he spoke at last.

 "I..I can't tell you, I mean I want to but I can't" he said with a flustered expression. I placed one palm on his knee and smiled as he met my gaze, indicating I understood.