“Taem-Taemin’s mother passed away 2 years ago and you’re telling me this only now?” I uttered in disbelief.

The day had started off with a blur and I had somehow found myself in this moment. My mother at the doorstep, hand extended towards me with a wedding invitation. I had had short visits from my parents from time to time but this by far was the shortest.

My mother rang the doorbell and demanded I hand a wedding invitation for my father’s wedding to Taemin directly, inviting his family. After this I insisted that in no way was his father going to let any family member attend the occasion. To this she replied that things were left on bad terms after Mrs. Lee Minjae’s (Taemins mother) funeral.

And that’s a sum up as to how the bomb was dropped.

“I can’t possibly send the invite through the mail that would seem rude” she pondered. I threw her an incredulous look and tried to pry into the subject. “Did you even attend the funeral, how did she die?” I asked.

“It was 3 years ago Jinki, cant you leave things be?” my mother was clearly not in a chatty mood today but I didn’t care. “Mom...” I called with a desperate surge of sadness, one I felt for Taemin.

“She was ill but her passing was sudden” my mother begun to tell. “She was a beautiful women and sadly she was what kept your uncles head on his shoulders. After she passed your father and I attended the funeral. Taemin was there but I didn’t get a chance to speak to the boy, his father chased us out before that. It was quite an ugly scene and I don’t want to recall it. Also Jinki dear, you were young and you only met Taemin twice in your life. We didn’t want to drag you into it all.” She confessed with a heavy sigh.

I didn’t ask any more questions but simply accepted the job of handing over the invitation and on cue she left the house.

With a heavy heart I walked over to the couch and lay down my head on the arm rest. My mind was running a mile per minute, piecing together the puzzle. Taemin was quiet on the subject of family and I had the misfortune of assuming he was lucky. There were countless times I imagined Taemin and his life, a happy family and a huge house..really picture perfect. But I had done what the ancient proverb had advised not to; I had judged a book by its cover. From the outside Taemin seemed to have had everything I dreamt of, only now did I know it was probably the other way around.

By gaining this piece of knowledge it also made sense that my uncle disliked if not hated me. Here I was, a child for whom his brother gave up being part of their family, now losing his wife by choice and not fate. If I were him, I would have hated me too.

Just as I began drowning myself in deep thoughts, my phone started to beep signalling an incoming call. I didn’t have to check the ID to know it was Jonghyun since he had a separate caller tune. I immediately turned my cell to silent mode and placed it face down on the table.

I questioned my actions for a while but I just didn’t feel like talking to him.

It was quite out of nature for me considering the fact that Jonghyun was what I needed at the moment. But in a rare occurrence like this one, with such a huge blow to reality regarding Taemins mother, I almost felt undeserving.

A week had passed since my discovery of Jonghyuns first love. Even if it provided to be a major shock, since his first love was Kibum but I still managed to conceal my insecurities. And again there was only Jonghyun to thank for that. Every day he would arrive in the mornings and walk me to school and then walk back to my place after school was over. He would stay at my place till he left for work and then come back once more after his work left. It was only around 10 o’clock every day that he left my place.

I felt a little foolish each time I thought of my bubbling insecurities, my childish jealousy because there was always a possibility of things being worse. But yet I let it bother me, I let myself be concerned with the small things and the worries that didn’t exist. I pushed them down instead of dealing with them because deep down in a dark part of my heart I knew there would be a reason for our relationship to end.

The irony of it all was that being with Jonghyun was my biggest happiness but also my biggest worry and uncertainty.

It was with these thoughts that I lulled myself into a peaceful slumber as time ticked on by.

I had no idea what time of day I had woken up but only that there was someone knocking on my door.

and groaning, I got up and reluctantly walked to open the door. “Jinki” I heard him say before Jonghyuns arms were embracing me. “I’ve been waiting 20 minutes!! Why didn’t you answer my calls?” he questioned, slightly annoyed. “I fell asleep. You should have left instead of waiting in the cold” I say while stepping away from his welcoming arms, already setting off his internal alarms.

“Jinki, is everything fine? You don’t seem too happy to see me” he asked, noticing my peculiar behaviour. I shook my head dumbly and walked over to the kitchen. “Bad day is all. You’ve been waiting out so give me a minute to fix you something to eat.” I chatter aimlessly as I open several cabinets and pull out the safety stash of noodles I have.

I continue to busy myself and barely notice Jonghyun sneaking up behind me. His arms are around my waist as he pulls me to him, my back against his stomach and lips near my neck. “Come on Jinki, what’s the matter? You look...shaken.” he somewhat awkwardly concluded. I let my body instinctively lean into his, mulling over the slight sensation of guilt accompanying my resent doubts about our relationship.

Slowly I put aside the cooking items and turned around, not breaking away from his hold this time. His hands were now on my back and we were face to face. I smiled at him apologetically and leaned in for a kiss.

I let my eyes fall shut and let my heart speak for itself. One of my hands was at the base of his neck, softly brushing his exposed collar bone. The other was clutching his shirt as I pulled him to me. Just like every kiss, this one started soft and innocent but it quickly hastened its pace. Ever since we got together, Jonghyun and I had gone a little further. My lips mimicked his in movement as I gave him entry, leading to a make out session.

An embarrassing sound escaped my lips as the heat and intensity of the kiss grew.

Jonghyun stopped and blushed to my astonishment; I on the other hand was dying of embarrassment. I released my fingers which had somehow woven into his hair during the kiss and turned back to busying myself in cooking.

“Wow!” Jonghyun exclaimed and that had me chuckling like a giddy teenager. “Th-That was really something. I hope you have bad days more often..” he said accidentally. I turned around to face him, a slight look of alarm in my eyes. Jonghyun covered his mouth with his hand. “I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean that. It was dumb of me to say”

I smiled softly and looked him in the eyes. “I forgive you, you are quite dumb after all” I say jokingly and proceed to laugh. Jonghyuns sweet laughter soon joined in. “Well if I’m dumb, then that makes you dumber” he claimed expertly. “Best couple names ever!!” I proclaimed between fits of laughter.

Time soon passed on by as we snacked on our noodles and made idle chit chat about anything and everything. I noticed Jonghyun was waiting for me to breach the topic of my bad day but instead waited patiently until I brought it up myself. My eyes floated up to the living room clock, we still had an hour to go till 10 o’clock.

I walked into the house and emerged with the binder. This binder had been what Jonghyun had tried to give me when he confessed in his house, the day I ran away. Now after we were official as a couple, he gifted it to me to keep safe for him. Of course a silly binder wouldn’t seem as much but in fact it held more of the Jonghyun I knew.

In the starting he didn’t write much at all, the initial pages of the binder consisted of bad and mindless doodling however adorable none the less. Further in there are diary entries, well sort of. More like a line or two about how the day was. Then finally, those lines turned into paragraphs and then into pages, about me..

Jonghyun was never around when I read from his binder. It felt like an invasion of privacy and neither of us could ever stop blushing enough to say something.

In his writing he mentioned the small things I failed to notice. The crescents my eyes form when I smile, the small hint of pink that graze my cheeks in the winter, my uneven chestnut brown hair that sometimes cover my eyes when I’m reading, my baby soft palms and so on. It made me feel so loved.

The binder also consisted of songs, poems, love letters..each of which I knew by heart. And each time I read it I was flooded with a rush of emotions and also with the sinking feeling that everything was going too fast. Stupid, some may consider because I had it all, but that was frighteningly the scariest part. I had it all which only meant I stood more to lose.  

Jonghyun noticed the binder in my hand and got up from his seat. I caught a hold of his arm and together we wal