I had no way of knowing if hours had passed or seconds because I was in a state of limbo. It seemed like I had only just cut the call and then there was Jonghyun calling my name from outside.

Slowly, I walked to the door, trying to desperately keep my emotions in check before I saw him. But nothing could have prepared me for what came next. When the door was finally open, Jonghyun didn’t say anything. He didn’t call my name or ask me how I was.

As soon as the door wasn’t in between the two of us, he caught my hand and pulled me to him. My head dropped onto his chest and his arms wrapped around me as he rocked on his heels and cradled me tightly. At once it was as if the barrier which was only weak from his call, was now broken from his touch.

A rush of emotions flooded me as I pressed my cheek against his chest and heard his heart beat. It was erratic, unsteady, fast and heavy. Just like the weight of my emotions made me feel at that moment. I didn’t cry because I wouldn’t let myself. But the sadness was still there along with the pain and frustration my parents had left me with.

Jonghyun gently my hair and I let myself clench his shirt in my fists, trying to have all of him with me.

“I’m finally home.” I said. The words meaning more than any confession ever could. I sensed his smile even if I couldn’t see it as he replied “It gets lonely without you.”My smile turned into a grin at his words. He had chosen the perfect words to say when I needed them the most. He understood what I meant and replied to let me know he felt the same.

“Happy birthday Lee Jinki.” He whispered into my hair and gave me my daily kiss of the day on the top of my head.

It was a little past midnight and the both of us were on the couch and watching movies. Jonghyun was laid back on the couch, my head resting comfortably on his lap. I couldn’t quite remember how we came to be seated in this position but I wasn’t ready to get up even after the 2nd movie came to an end.

Jonghyuns leg would have become numb by now but I was sure he enjoyed our seating position as well. During the entire movie I had my head tilted to watch his face as it lighted up from being engrossed in the storyline. His loud bubbly laughter, his goofy grin or upset frown and watery eyes were a range of emotions he so freely displayed while intently watching the two movies. And I was busy watching him. Though, I still caught him looking down at me from time to time and he even absentmindedly my cheek during a love scene. The lighting was poor but I was sure he was blushing too.

As the credits from the movie started to roll, I lifted my head and sat upright. “Another one or are you sleepy?” he asked while noticing my heavy eyelids. But I wasn’t ready for this night to be over just yet because after I fell asleep he would leave and go back to his place.

Hesitantly, I tapped my lap and said, “Your turn then.” 

Jonghyun curled up his legs on the sofa and rested his head looking up into my eyes. In a moment too overwhelmed with emotions I let my guard down. “Thank you.” I whispered but the quiver in my voice was still audible. He lifted his hand and brushed his thumb against the side of my face with slow gentle movements. I instinctively leaned into his touch.

“For what?” he asked, genuinely confused. “For knowing something was wrong. For always being there when I come running to you. Even when I’m running away from you I always end up back with you somehow. “, I confessed with a slight chuckle. Jonghyun wasn’t laughing but instead wore a serious expression on his face.  “I assumed the worst Jinki. Your voice made me so frightened that my hands shook until I saw you were alright. I thought I needed to take you to the hospital or something. I was scared, so petrified that something happened to you.” He completed with a sigh.

His worry for me made me feel a little guilty for my selfishness. How could he care so much for me and yet believe I didn’t feel the same? Was his heart so open to rejection or had I just hurt him enough to make him believe so?

“I-I hate hospitals.” I said without thinking. His mention of hospitals made me think of the first day we met, we were in the nurse’s office and he had offered me his sweater to wear. Times were different now since we had gotten to know each other but there were parts we also didn’t know.

“No one likes needles and me